Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

I don't understand why you wouldn't let her bring him. It's normal to have a plus one anyway. Definitely not worth this fall out.

It's completely normal at weddings to:

• invite long term partners but not casual or very new boyfriends or girlfriends (no ring no bring is an actual rule some people work with)
• only invite partners that you have a personal relationship with. Or have at least met!

Not many people have a wedding of 80 and invite partners of a few weeks that they've not even met before

And as a very new boyfriend, the latest in a string of her mother's failed relationships, he is less entitled to be present at her wedding as a "plus one" than a "partner" would be.

Plus op's mum sees her dad every week at the pub, so it's not to save face regarding him.

Also since when was it normal to bring a plus one? The only weddings I've seen people with plus ones are where the person doesn't know anyone else there at all (eg a work friend when all the other guests are family friends).

I think the fact that the mum is saying she can't be happy / focus on her daughter for one day, on her daughters wedding day surrounded by family etc, because she is apart from her boyfriend of a few weeks, is really pathetic. Yes most people would prefer their shiny new boyfriend to be around, but would understand that other people who haven't met him don't feel the same, and suck it up

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Even parents are human and can have the odd emotional meltdown. We've all been there (well, those who have kids)!

Don't start the whole 'she's so toxic, I'll go NC' business in this situation, if you've always had a good relationship with her.

Also, depending on your age, be mindful that you're mother may be suffering from the menopause and associated symptoms. It's very common to suffer extreme mood swings (some get weepy, others angry). Plus, once you're past 50/55 you often as a woman feel 'sod it then' - at least I do! ;)

Agree. I definitely had not met some of the plus1 at our wedding.
My Mum had her own table with her friends (Dad had died a few years beforehand) and she had a fabulous time . Just how a wedding should be .

And this is why coercive abuse is always overlooked. I suspect the OPs lovely mother has a habit of shit like this.

No, not because the bride wants her mum to spend the day focused on her. Because she doesn't want her mum to bring some random man she's never met to her wedding! What kind of a woman asks her child if she can bring her boyfriend of ONE WEEK to her wedding? How disrespectful to the bride is that? Fine, if it's a random work colleague sitting on one of the fringe tables who you'll probably only get to actually speak to on the dancefloor or as you do the rounds. But your own mother? Walking you down the aisle, sitting in the front row, maybe making a speech, meeting and greeting everyone? One week - and then manipulate and blackmail by saying "I'm going to be moody and stroppy on the day if you say no to me!". I mean, come ON.

OP: did you ever take a boyfriend of one week or three months or 6 months to any of your mother's weddings?

My first reaction, that I didn't post earlier, was that the mother has purposely go herself a partner just to have someone to attend the wedding with. So that is why she is spectacularly throwing her toys out of the pram.

@LadyDanburysHat the mother is far too used to being the bride and constant focus and cannot see beyond her own wants for her own daughter to have one day in the spotlight instead.

Coercive control, my arse. The OP has stated that she has had a good relationship with her Mum up until now. When it comes to a guest list, the bride's mum should be at the top of the tree. And to say that she can't bring a plus one sounds far more akin to coercive control

So basically it doesnt matter what the OP wants on hopefully her one and only wedding day she needs to pander to her over dramatic mother at all costs and keep her happy instead?

OPs mother wanted to bring along her new boyfriend to ops wedding after just one week of knowing him. That suggests ops mother has poor boundaries. Her response to op when she was told no is very telling.

And op had not met this person because he’s cancelled meeting up three times.

Well it’s only her wedding… surely she realises that it’s not as important as her mum getting what she wants… 🙄

Just let him go to the wedding. She doesn't want to attend alone.

@EvangelineTheNightStar I see now how abusers get absolved and victims get blamed. Honestly some of the comments... just pander to you THRICE married mother and dont worry about your own personal happiness on YOUR special day. Always about the mother. Crazy shit.

Aww diddums. I guess it explains why shes been married so many times then cos she just cant be without a man.

OP has she a best friend that she can have as a plus one? I mean then she doesnt have to feel 'alone' in a room FULL of her own family the poor woman. I mean if all she wants is someone with her then a friend is reasonable request I think instead.

It does appear that some women regard mothers as a form of sacred cow to be worshipped and or appeased at all costs.

Ah OP, that sucks and unless she splits from him, I can't see how you can resolve this without bad feelings for at least one of you. Regarding the venue, unless you are having a very intimate wedding, I don't think 1 person will make much difference or even be noticed. There is usually always someone who doesn't turn up or people who leave to go to their rooms or to get changed or get food from somewhere etc. If you are having a sit down meal then he may not be able to get food or be able to sit next to your mum, so I understand that the logistics are more complicated than just saying he could join later on. I also understand that the way it escalated makes you very reluctant to give in to her wishes now.
I think you need to decide what you want from this now. You won't be able to get your way aka her coming sans boyfriend and still be a breaming MOB, so what can you realistically expect now and what would be a compromise/possibility/dealbreaker for you.

I actually lolled at this. Pathetic.

I agree the evening invite was the ideal and accepted by mum compromise. The venue have let you down here. you need to go back to them and find a way around this . It is not a normal evening invite and they should be more flexible in this situation.
why is mum giving you away and not dad is this also a reflection of her controlling personality?
I do agree you must meet them together first and if he is still not willing to do this no invite at all
I do hope you come to an agreement with mum and the venue so you can get on with enjoying looking forward and excited for your special day

Her two best friends for school are coming and multiple of her cousins who I am not close to

Nope and I wouldn’t expect to either