Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

The trouble is OP, you are the one posting this issue so other posters can only suggest solutions that are within your control. If your Mum was posting, everyone would be telling her to pipe down and apologise to you. But she isn't. And there's nothing you can do to make her do that - she sounds very unreasonable and lost in this new relationship. Now is not the time to become estranged from her if she is such a fool when she is in love ... it's really not healthy and you might need to be very tolerant of her.

I don't think you are wrong to stand your ground. But you are the one that will need to deal with the fact she could be a nightmare and ruin your day. Or not come at all and you might feel sadness about that. Either way, you need to do what is right for you and the path that leads to the least stress for you.

What's her relationship like with your Dad? Might she feel nervous abut seeing him? Might her boyfriend be kicking off about this in the background? Can he attend with the caveat that he is not in the front aisles, not at a top table (if there is one) and not in any pictures? Or he can just be in a picture with your Mum - no group pics. Just trying to find a way for you that works. You 100% are deserved a massive apology but she won't do that. Try to protect yourself.

She's not behaving brilliantly but it's obviously important to her. Maybe it's something to do with not wanting to look lonely in front of your Dad, maybe she feels awkward attending a wedding single, but she clearly feels strongly. It sounds like you're both as stubborn as each other. Is it worth it to prove a point on your wedding day?

What your mum has said to you is unforgivable really. Shes not sure she can enjoy your wedding day?? Wtf!! And shouting and swearing at you!! Not on at all!! For what it's worth you don't need walking down the aisle by anyone. At this stage I would downgrade her role to that of guest. Do not let her near you whilst getting ready as I don't trust her. Just think what this will look like if they split up before the summer. Also bit dodgy him cancelling your meeting 3 times...The whole thing is mental and I bet she is mean in your relationship in other ways too. Ive been with dh years and I'm still capable of enjoying an event without him

Are you aware that in all of your replies you are not willing to bend at all? If this is how you are coming across to your Mum it's no wonder that you are at loggerheads. I dont mean to sound like this is all on you but your Mum has found someone who makes her happy and wants him to share this memory with him. Of course, it's your decision but I urge you not to create a divide with your Mum. Take a breath, read through all of your replies and just consider if you might be digging your heels in when you dont need to. One day. You may have a child and when they are grown and dont need you anymore, you might just look back and realise that your mum needs a special person to start her new chapter with. As for her overly emotional responses to you could she be menopausal? I really wish you well.

Being menopausal is no reason to tell your dd to fuck off when she can’t have her own way. And it seems she wanted her bf to attend the OPs wedding one mere week after they met!. Not all mothers are nice as and kind.

The mother’s bf had not as yet met op and indeed he has bailed on a meeting three times to date.

Tbh it sounds like, understandably, you feel mum should be putting you above all else on your big day & you've planned for her to be heavily involved in mother/daughter things. Now she's introduced this new partner, youre annoyed & hurt as it throws a curve ball in how you imagined the day to be ie your mum solely focussed on you. Whilst thats not unreasonable, you havent actually compromised ..saying he can come to the eve when actually there cant be an eve guest is of no solution to your mum, she's still missing her plus 1 & probably wants to show him off. Especially if Dad's there with his wife. Personally I'd absolutely be explaining my plans & my hurt with my mum about how she's handling this. However, Id also be looking at what can be put in place before then to mitigate your concerns eg specific plans for who will be with you & when for dressing/hair etc, arranging some meetups beforehand so you feel comfortable with him & hes no longer a stranger. My sense is your underlying worry is that either they'll split & then mum will be 'alone again' & youll be pulled into making sure she's ok on your big day OR youre worried this will become a day of mum flitting between you & him which may mean she is not 100% focussed on you. Its fine to want that but mums have needs too, there is absolutely a compromise here & I think your hurt is getting in the way of seeing that atm. Hope it all works out well.

@Saladbrains

Another option is to meet the boyf soon, and invite him to the wedding.

OP tried three times. He bailed each time.

WE HAVE ARRANGED 3 DATES AND EACH TIME HE HAS CANCELLED BECAUSE SOMETHING HAS COME UP.

OP has tried to meet him. Some posters are not reading this.

I'm gobsmacked at the responses on this thread!

I can't believe a mother would make her attendance at and enjoyment of her daughter's wedding conditional on her boyfriend of 1 week being there with her! What sort of a mother does that?? Maybe one who's been married three times and is onto the next head-over-heels boyfriend...

More to the point, I can't believe a mother would swear at and hang up on her own child whose only crime has been to say no she can't bring her boyfriend of x weeks to HER WEDDING. What sort of a mother treats her daughter like that? Maybe one who thinks weddings aren't a big deal, they never last, they're just an excuse for a party,

Sounds like you're being forced into taking a stance with your Mum, OP, before you're ready to. I think your priority should be not allowing this to ruin your wedding: your mum's doing a great job of it, seeing as she's meant to walk you down the aisle, threatening you with being in a bad mood because she can't have her boyfriend there, meant to be going dress shopping with you, swearing at your down the phone, arguing repeatedly over the same thing, hanging up on you. I'm sure it wouldn't be easy but I'd move on to finish up planning and getting married without her. You can't let her spoil this - I say this is someone who had singular moments (my wedding day and my very first hours as a mother) absolutely ruined by one person. Instead of remembering the joy, all I remember many years down the line is the sheer misery that woman caused and how she made everything all about her. Don't let that happen to you.

oh please...everyone needs to get a grip. if you decide to view life through a lens of constantly being a victim of other peoples relationship status then sure.
A wedding which is full of her entire extended family is not shining spotlight on her singleness. No one cares. it is not about her and the solution to that is not inviting a man you've met after one week to your daughters wedding.

Op said her father has trouble walking

It doesn’t matter what anyone says here .. you’re determined and digging your heels in that he’s not coming, you refuse point blank to see anyone else’s point of view, you openly argue with everyone here .. what exactly do you want from this thread? You sound like a spoilt brat. Enjoy your wedding, I hope you can enjoy your life going forward without your mum in it.

So you’re happy for your dad to be there with his wife but your mum will be alone because you don’t want her boyfriend there ? Wow. I can’t imagine doing that to my mum. I get the feeling there’s more to this than you’re letting on.

@Bubseybooba

Why would any daughter deny their mum a "plus one" on her wedding day? How fucking petty. No wonder she lost her shit. You're being unkind and stubborn and quite frankly a bridezilla. I'd be so sad and confused if my son did this to me. This man's presence won't spoil or impact your day one teeny bit (despite your faux concern about fire regulations at the venue - what bullshit!). I expect your wonderful relationship with your mum has endured because she never challenged you before. For god sake get over yourself.

If your DM is not normally like this there is obviously something going on in the background with and the latest fella. To have asked about him coming to the wedding so soon after meeting him is very strange. Do you think OP he is manipulating your DM and she is trying to placate him?

hit a nerve there Gina with that pile of vitriol?

I suspect the opposite.

Just an idea focusing completely on the practicalities as you were kind enough to agree to an evening invitation for him. Pay for him as a day guest then on the day give someone the task of letting the venue know that one guest will be delayed until after the meal. If he’s already history by the time your wedding comes round just amend the numbers.

Who is your Mum going to dance with at the wedding OP? It sounds as if she is not allowed to have any emotions other than those which focus on you. Whether it lasts or not, if she has a BF who makes her happy, you should be happy for her too. If not for her, you would not even be in this world, and thus not having a wedding at all

Some posters have already suggested that she dance with her 7 year old granddaughter and that she should be thrilled to do so!

No, not personally. I've only got one child (a son who is 50) who's disabled and never likely to marry. But I just can't imagine he would ever be that unkind to me and I can't imagine doing it to my own (long deceased) lovely mum either.

The responses on this thread are absolutely fucking batshit.

On what planet is it acceptable to shout and swear at your own daughter for not inviting someone you've only known a matter of weeks, and that has never met your daughter, to a (not massive) wedding where you a. Know most of the guests as they're family and b. Going to be part of the wedding party and busy most of the day anyway

Oh let him come. You might not like him but that doesn’t really matter, it will make your mum happy. Think of the bigger picture, in years to come I think you’ll regret it if your mum misses your wedding.

If not for her, you would not even be in this world, and thus not having a wedding at all

ding-ding-ding!! We have a winner for the most manipulative comment so far!

”if it wasn’t for MEE you wouldn’t exist!! Accept whatever I do to you!!”

I don't think anyone is excusing shouting and swearing, although we're obviously just getting OP's side of the story. People are just looking at the situation that a mother of the bride wants a plus one and the bride says no because she wants her mum to spend the day focused on her. I don't think it's unreasonable to have plus ones for people the bride and groom don't know that well if they're important to their loved ones. Also while it does seem premature to ask for an invite when you've just been seeing the guy for a few weeks, when the wedding comes they'll have been dating for about half a year.