Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

But just because she's feeling insecure doesn't mean she gets to ride roughshod over the bride's feelings in this way?

OP has said the majority of guests will be her mum's family as her dad's is abroad, so mum could literally have siblings, her son, her grandchildren, probably some family friends there, not to mention OP's friends who she likely knows...lots of people to chat with.

I just don't think your daughter's wedding is the day to demand your new boyfriend is there. You'd think she'd want to introduce him in a lower-key environment herself tbh, rather than parade him at a wedding where she's playing a key part.

Plus ones are frequently people you don’t know, but it’s understandable you don’t want stranger plus ones. However it’s extremely easy for him not to be a stranger - just organise to meet him?

If your wedding is in 6 months and they’re still together then at that stage he’ll be a relationship of 9 months.

I know you feel like this is extremely important and your guest list is “set” and your “rules” are in place, but I GUARANTEE people who have RSVPd yes will end up not coming and pulling out last minute, so you will have space.

It’s your mum, you should (1) ask her to apologise for swearing (2) say that you need to meet him before you can consider he comes (3) push for a lunch or dinner to meet him.

Reserve him a spot and he can come if they’re still together and he’s not awful/evil.

I promise you will eventually forget all the reasons and justifications you have for holding firm on this, but you will always remember upsetting your mum about your wedding and you will inwardly cringe at least once every 3 months about this for the rest of your life if you don’t amicably sort it. (I speak from experience as a former bride who was in a similar situation and held firm on my “rules” as family members literally cried!)

Yes you did originally compromise on the evening guest bit which was nice, but that fell through so you can’t just fall back on “not coming at all”!

Your new fall back position/compromise needs to be that you meet him to verify he is fine/nice/not a serial killer or likely to run down the aisle naked, and that she needs a plan for him while she is on wedding duty and that she doesn’t expect him to be in family photos etc as that would be weird - let her come up with the plan for how he can come but be a very WELCOME normal guest rather than randomly popping up everywhere in the “step dad” role.

They might end up breaking up between now and the wedding so you lose nothing!

Are you in the family? (Or the mum?!) how do you know every other person is in a relationship?

He's not mums partner though
It's her bf of three months that the bride hasn't met !!!

He'd just be a plus one which is very common with weddings.

Well the top table is mother and father of the bride. Not the new boyfriend. Who doesn't seem that keen anyway if he's bailed on the bride to be three times.

The mother seems a bit desperate to be clinging on to this fella and insisting he comes to the wedding after a month. Abusing her daughter who won't fall in to having yet another possible step father to be.

I'm with the daughter not the narcissist

I've read through them again ( I did the first time)

I can't see where it gives the reason for her dad not walking her down the aisle

I also saw that there had been three postponed meetings with the mums new partner, but not why this may be happening

So, if you're not done with your condescending, needless replies with words in capitals, then please enlightening me are point me to the OP's posts that give the CLEAR answers to the questions.

Your mum has been with this man for 3 months and you are not getting married till summer by which time she will have been with him 9-10 months and the relationship will be established so he should be her plus one.
Or they will have split and all this point scoring is for nothing.

I took my partner to my sisters wedding as my plus one, I was a bridesmaid and I had only known him 4 weeks. We married in 10 weeks and that was 25 years ago.

You are both being unreasonable and its not worth ruining the run up to the wedding by driving a wedge. You should be enjoying the time not using it to play an ego war.

Yes.

When I got married, DH had two adult children. They were both offered plus ones. (DH's son was his Best Man.)

His son declined, but the daughter accepted and her new boyfriend accompanied her to the wedding.

This is quite common, surely?

OP said her father is not well enough to walk her down the aisle.

Surely your mum gets a plus one if she's single. You expect her to come by herself, very selfish of you. What difference does it make to you who your mum comes with, would you stop your best friend bringing their boyfriend?

Her father cannot walk that far and the mothers boyfriend is not too keen to meet her.

OP is this outburst unusual for her? Any chance she’s got herself involved in an abusive relationship? It feels like it escalated quickly to being isolated from you and the he’s not coming and then outburst feels alot like “he’ll be angry if I can’t get you to agree so the only way to save myself is to fall out and not come myself”

or is she generally an unreasonable person? Because otherwise I do think you are right to say no to a boyfriend of 3 months. It’s your day.

@Attenboroughsmistress

However it’s extremely easy for him not to be a stranger - just organise to meet him?

OP has tried three times. He bailed each time.

All these answers are in OP’s posts.

It never ceases to amaze me the things that people get themselves so worked up about. I wouldn’t think twice about inviting the guy. It’s just not a big deal, is it.

I highly doubt he’ll want to be in the photos or sat at the top table FFS. People are getting really carried away with themselves.

I particularly enjoyed the comment that the OP’s mother should be happy enough dancing with her 7 year old granddaughter at the wedding 😂 (if she manages to get a break from following the OP around, gushing all day, that is).

The OP mentioned in one of her earlier comments that even her daughter remarked that they don’t see grandma as often - God forbid the woman has a life.

OP - you are definitely making your wedding all about your mum’s new boyfriend, no one else.

You appear to be setting some kind of weird loyalty test for her. Life is far too short to be playing these kind of games with people we love. She is clearly happy for you. Just be happy for her in return.

I am struggling to see how inviting your mum’s new boyfriend along is going to cause any issues, ruin or change your wedding.

So much drama over nothing.

This.
I thought it was absolutely normal to invite a plus one to a wedding.
And yet not for your mum.
OP, I highly doubt you are very friendly with all the plus ones of your other guests.

YABU just let her bring her plus one.

I have a mum who pulls on the heart strings to manipulate a situation to go in her favour and it's one of the hardest things to deal with.
I don't think you're being mean or selfish in this situation.
Why are we expected to make allowances that were not comfortable with?
Where is he supposed to sit when seating plans are arranged already? Who is being pushed out to accommodate him? Because mum will want to be with you of course and I am certain she will expect him by her side.
So even if you do relentless, how many more requests will be made? I guarantee she will kick off if he's seated away from her, but he's a stranger who has no part in your life and shouldn't get that privilege when your wedding party come first.
When will it end?

@Bubseybooba you asked for people’s opinions so why are you telling people ‘Your point should be…’ as you clearly don’t think you are in the wrong or being unreasonable in the situation.

I have read through the OP’s posts and some (but not all) of the other posts.

This bit really jumped out at me - this is some dude the OP hasn’t met yet. And he keeps cancelling meeting her. I wonder whether the mum is trying to make the relationship more serious more quickly by getting him to come to her daughter’s wedding.

I remember having a friend ask if she could bring a plus one to my wedding. I said that I hadn’t realised she was going out with someone but if she is then yes, that is fine. To which she said it was someone she’d been sort-of seeing but he was being a bit crap. So no!

The post the OP is replying to here is correct about the choices at the moment.

There is an even larger long-term issue: life after the wedding.

How will things be between you and your mum if you maintain this position, and your mum’s boyfriend of what will be about seven months or so isn’t at the wedding, and your mum is trying to hide her upset (and for her, her humiliation in front of your dad and his wife that your mum is alone)?

That upset your mum will feel, and her perception of you, will be the ongoing template for your and her (by that time, deeply damaged by the no-your-boyfriend-can’t attend-the-ceremony argument) relationship.

Your relationship with her boyfriend will also be tarnished, meaning the chances of you and mum reconciling after your wedding will be even more difficult.

Another option is to meet the boyf soon, and invite him to the wedding.

That way you and mum no longer argue, and mum and boyf no longer have an ‘enemy-in-common’ in you.

If mum and boyf are happy together, and you’ve met him a couple of times. then by the time of your wedding ceremony your relationship with your mum should have gotten past this, and your relationship with mum will be so much better than compared to if you had prevented boyf from attending your marriage.

If by chance mum and boyf don’t do the distance, and their relationship ends before your wedding, then your mum won’t want him at your wedding.

Either way, your relationship with your mum should be better than it is now, and will certainly be better after your wedding than it is likely to be if the current state of affairs continues.

Partner, boyfriend, plus one, mum gets to bring someone surely. And it's several months to the wedding anyway.

Yup.

We met DH's daughter's boyfriend for the first time on our wedding day. (He finished up being her permanent partner and the father of DH's grandchild, but we weren't to know that at the time.)

Get your brother to take you down the aisle, or a favourite family member.
lf your mother turns up, great, if she doesn’t, don’t beat yourself up over it.

As I see it, you can’t change the guest list now and the venue has told you such.

Sounds she trying to steal your day, so don’t let her.
We went a nieces wedding where to our astonishment her mother turned up with the man she was having an affair with. Her parents had separated all of a few weeks before on the discovery.
The niece said although he hadn’t been invited the venue did a head count and charged her for ‘extra guests’.

I hope this doesn’t marr your special day

So many posts advising to pander to the mother who is being utterly ridiculous and quite frankly looks like shes jealous of her daughters big day despite having been married three times herself. Sounds to me like the mother is an attention seeker who cannot just allow the daughter enjoy her own planning and her own day and has to try to take the shine off it with this insistance she brings her new bedwarmer with her. Selfish mothers everywhere.