Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

I think as he has clearly avoided even meeting you that it is fair that this guy, who may not be in the picture for long, has no reason to be there.
I think you should ask your mother if Yes, or No, she wants to participate & be happy to be part of your wedding day ?
New Guy may be yet another X in the future, You have never even met him.
He would not be on the top table, or in any photos.

Just proven my point. Mum must focus all her attention on spoilt gen zedder but no doubt bride will spend time with other guests and mum will have to stand around like a lemon waiting on her. Ridiculous.

You sound very like each other to be honest OP.

I know it's your wedding and your rules but you are risking ruining it with stubbornness. If you Mum had previous form for upsetting you and you didn't want her there then this course of action would be fine. I have a parent I can happily not see again and did exclude them from my wedding with no sadness. However is sounds like you usually get on and having her at the wedding would bring you happiness so I would just let her bring her boyfriend and move on from this and start enjoying wedding prep again. It's not last minute you have months to go.

Some of the replies on here are NUTS!

Her Mum asked for a random man (not a partner at one week of 'dating or whatever') and I wouldn't even call him a partner after 3 months and not being involved with extended family, to come to her wedding for whatever mad reason. OP responded no as the places were allocated plus he is a STRANGER. Then Mum tried to bully her into inviting him, it all coming to a head with Mum swearing and shouting. Mum is definitely unreasonable here. I don't understand posters saying they would be happy having a literal stranger at their wedding, in all the photos etc.

FWIW, my Dad had a newish partner, but got serious pretty quick, at my wedding. My much loved Mum had passed away. I included her at the top table so as not to upset my dad as I knew there would be some barbed comments and digs if I didnt. They split up VERY ACRIMONIOUSLY not longer after (very serious issues happened at the time with me and partner and very young child being the main source of support and trying to help my dad. He then went absolutely mad at me for being hesitant when he said they 'may' get back together and I had to be happy and normal. It culminated in him ranting down the phone at me, where I was sobbing and my husband had to physically remove the phone and have very stern words). I still cant bare to watch the video and see photos of her front and centre.

And also, why are people saying Mum would be standing alone for the whole day? Her WHOLE family will be there. Surely she will be with them?!

So the majority of the other guests.. ops mums family.. won’t speak to her?

What about the mums 3 previous marriages?

Its not the same and is disingenuous to say it is. Poor sad old mum with no successful relationships should dance with her 7yr old grand daughter and be happy to do so while everyone else dances with their SO. I really don't see how this is OK. And she's obviously feeling vulnerable.

I would expect that your mum would need to sit at the top table and that you won't want her new friend there, but couldn't he go as her plus one and sit at one of the other tables until after the first dance?

I think you're in the right, but I'd probably invite him as I don't see a good alternative. I would not let him in any photos though.

I know it's not really relevant, but I'd love to hear the new boyfriend's side.

Does he even want to be there, or is he being harangued to meet the adult children and attend the family weddings of a woman he's been dating for less time than most people have cheese in their fridge?

I've been with my OH for 23 years and I didn't even meet his family for at least six months after we met (for an informal lunch, if it matters), nor would I have wanted to.

If I were you, I would organise a lunch to meet him properly, and then decide.

If he’s a nice man and they seem nice together then I think mums of all people get a “plus 1” - she can have a great time and dance and it’s a great opportunity for him to meet lots of other people.

If he seems horrible then you can stick to your guns on him not coming, but I really don’t see why your mum shouldn’t get a plus one if he’s going to be a pleasant guest.

Yes, she has behaved horribly but honestly just be the bigger person here.

What if they end up married and together and he’s actually really cool and nice? You’ll definitely feel silly that you didn’t include him.

Your mum obviously wants to not be a single woman when your dad will be coupled up - I think you can and should help her out here.

Oh sorry! Thought I'd read all of Ops posts! Didn't see that at all. Oops!

Your mum isn’t thinking about your feelings which is really hard. You sound a bit like me and my mum, when we’re both mad we can’t see each others perspectives. Honestly if you and your mum fall out and she doesn’t come it could but a real downer on your memories of your wedding day. Id just try and be the bigger person and make peace. Has your mum paid for any of the wedding? If she says she should definitely get a say in who comes. If she’s not contributed it’s quite different. How about if you say you’ll agree to invite him if you meet him twice. Then he won’t be a total stranger. But don’t change the seats until you’ve met him twice and are happy he’s a good guy. That’s a good compromise and it maintains your relationship with your mum and requires her to make some effort too. Also ask her to make all the arrangements if it’s too much hassle tell her to ring the venue etc.

Vulnerable? Shes making demands of the bride here shes acting entitled not vulnerable.

You are massively unreasonable not allowing your mother to bring a plus one with her.

Your behaviour makes me feel sick and if I was your sibling I wouldn’t be going to your wedding if you treated our mother like this. What does your brother think?

Her mother is being emotionally manipulating and trying to get her own way yet the op is being vindictive? Good god no wonder familial abuse is so rampant when shit like this gets brushed under the carpet.

Oops wrong post

I don't understand posters saying they would be happy having a literal stranger at their wedding

Isn't that what plus one invites sometimes involve?

It’s not her brothers wedding?! So what has it got to do with him?

I think you know that there would be a way for him to be there if you really wanted. If you wanted to add him to the whole day they’d let you right? It is your wedding after all and it’s just one person.

you can’t really say that you compromised but your compromise isn’t possible. There’s been no compromise in that situation.

I get it. Your mom is choosing a boyfriend of 3 months over your wishes on your wedding day. And she's been extremely nasty about it.

You don't know this guy. Her expectations of bringing an unknown she's been seeing for a few months were unreasonable and when you told her that, she went batshit. She sounds extremely self centered, is she usually like that?

Sure, she may want to show off she has a BF when your dad's in a stable long term marriage. But she's an adult and her feelings and insecurities are hers to manage, not you.

That she's gone so nuclear to get her way in this would make me even more disinclined to invite this guy. It also makes me think there's something up, any new bf worth having around wouldn't want to be causing a family rupture over going to a wedding of someone he doesn't know. They would bow out.

Has OP replied the number of questions as to whether mum is usually like this or if this is out of character and what their normally "amazing" relationship looks like?

Not really the main issue, but I think the venue is being a dick. One additional guest in the evening is really not a big deal.