Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

To be fair we didn't hear the conversation. Maybe the OP didn't come across as well as she intended. Maybe she missed how much it meant to her mother to have someone with her. It isn't unusual for separated/divorced parents to find this sort of thing difficult. Even mother's are allowed to get upset.

Just as silly for you to expect her to instantly change her mind in the face of your dazzling eloquence.

Under the circumstances just let him come, it seems mean not to.

I'm assuming you got married in the 90s when parents still commonly footed a large proportion of the bill and got to dictate the guest list? Or it was a church wedding with ample seating?

"Nowadays" weddings cost an eye watering amount and most couples pay themselves - therefore aren't expected to bend over backwards to accommodate other people.

As OP has said it's a twilight wedding so not traditional church wedding. Venue will have limited seating for ceremony and has already stated addition guests for only the reception are not allowed. I'm sure her husband and she have lots of friends/colleagues/distant relatives they would have liked to invite but budget and numbers would not permit. She shouldn't therefore be expected to invite a man she's never met before. Her mother has already been divorced 3 times so high chance this won't last but he'll forever be in the back of the wedding video and photos which will leave a bad taste.

I was at my sons wedding and I didn’t have a partner. I was very happy for them but it didn’t stop me feeling awkward when everyone else had someone with them, I had my other son but he is autistic so not great in social situations. I think you’re being very unreasonable to expect your mum to come on her own. She may be a little selfish but to be honest you sound even worse. You’ll have your new husband and after being walked up the aisle you probably won’t have much to do with your mum, she will understand this, as I did. But I wished I had someone with me to talk to, to sit with. You will have the happiest day of your life so why not be a little more human?

Pay for the full thing and one guest arrives late.

Did you know know anyone else at your son's wedding though? Surely some of your own family was there?

Just nasty.

Could your mum be feeling like she's spent her whole adult life alone and prioritising your happiness and now you won't prioritise hers on this day? Just trying to get into her headspace...

I suspect that he is the kind of idiot that constantly cancels and will say he's going and not turn up... the mum will be in a state as a result.

OP has given this guy a chance three times. It's not a good sign to have an unknown at the wedding front and centre. One more thing to worry about.

It would be different if she could have a rational conversation with mum about it. Its a family wedding so its not like she won't have people to sit with and talk to.. OP's brother for instance.

But if things calmed down maybe OP and the Mum can find a way. I'm not surprised OP is hurt by the Mum's reaction tho.

...I'm assuming the mum will have her family there?? She's got a 7 year old granddaughter and a son there too? I'd say making memories dancing with her granddaughter would mean much more than with a man who will probably end up as divorced husband number 4.

My mum is widowed. She spent wedding morning with me getting ready, sat next to me on the top table for the meal then dance and chatted with our family for the reception - at no point was she alone.

There’s a chance she might not show up if you don’t invite him.
I smell some degree of control on his part - beware!

So him turning up for the evening would be fine. They book him a place, he arrives late. No need for all the drama.

Erm, where did I say I expected that? OP asked for opinions and then argued that only her point of view was correct. If you actually read on, the OP has thanked people for their insights and different views.

OPs idea of loving kindness doesn't include thinking about her mother's feelings. Maybe it's genetic.

This is the daughter's day. She tried to accommodate her Mum's latest go-around. It wasn't possible. Mum's taken a tantrum. I'd let her. If she misses her daughter's wedding over her latest fling (of three months) then that's on her

This could be the solution. That way he won't be front and centre at the ceremony/pics.... but mum will be happy that he will be there for the social part - which will be fine with 80 people and frankly if he's late or doesn't turn up at all, you would have got the important bits out of the way and Mum will have family and friends on hand.
Venue can't complain to you if he's late as you are too busy getting married to worry about it.

I may have missed this Twilight wedding thing.. at first I thought it was literally when the sun goes down.. then I began to wonder if it means you will all be dressed as characters from the Twilight movies.

Totally weird your trying to "hold firm" on your decision as a punishment for your mother. Grow up.

Of course your own mother should have a plus one if she wants to her own daughters wedding, a friend/boyfriend/whoever she wants to bring. It seems quite cruel you have no interest in letting her bring anyone. So what you haven't met him, thats the nature of plus ones at weddings.

There is bound to be someone closer to the day who cannot make your big day through illnesses or whatever. Could you say he can come if someone cancels . Yes you are probably in the right but isn’t your relationship with your Mum more important than proving a point. If she had been a good mum up until then ?Life gets harder as we age and she could be feeling very vulnerable with things that are not obvious to you

I wonder if he even wants to come?

What has your mum said about his failure to engage?

No it wasn’t any of those scenarios, we paid for it all ourselves and had a conservative wedding. People meant more to us than elaborate buildings or venues.
And so what if the relationship doesn’t last, like her other marriages- are we saying she has to stay on her own and look like a failure - which is possibly what she’s feeling and why she wants someone with her..

It’s a no from me. They’ve only been together 5 minutes and you literally don’t know him from Adam. Why should you have some random at your wedding. Is she always so pushy and self absorbed? Unless there is a drip feed coming that your mum has paid and organised your wedding single handedly

And????

isn’t your relationship with your Mum more important than proving a point.

does the mum ever have to worry about their relationship? Mum thinks it’s okay to swear at her when she doesn’t do what mum wants. I would have thought mum would have realised swearing at her daughter is making it look like mum thinks she is always more important than the daughter.

Blimey, you can't control how anyone else feels! You can choose the guest list for your wedding, but you can't just order your guests to relax and be happy! I'm relieved that I've never hosted a large wedding, as I know that creating a convivial atmosphere and keeping the guests comfortable involves a lot of work. I'm not surprised that some couples agonise over the seating plan, for example.

I'd be OK about turning up to a wedding alone, and I wouldn't expect a new boyfriend to be invited. But some people hate attending social occasions alone and it sounds as though your mum is probably one of them. This might not have much to do with this particular man - she might just feel awkward and self-conscious without a plus-one. Maybe as soon as she started dating this man, she was happy at the the thought that if things lasted, he could be her plus-one for the wedding? And she simply doesn't understand why you want her to come alone instead?