Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

Your username is very apt so.

Why not park all wedding chat and concentrate on meeting him somewhere neutral and take it from there. Your wedding isn't until the summer- a lot can change between now and then.

You mentioned that your mum has acted out of character- maybe get to the bottom of that first- is there a health issue brewing, something like that?

You mentioned a few times the "only known for 12 weeks"- my parents met and married in about that time so I think that's a red herring, especially in a few more months time.

Little button there on the side brings you to all the OPs posts where she has CLEARLY already answered both questions.

Yes, but why bother when actual reading posts stops the mn narrative of
”the poor shy wallflower is a victim, op is eeeevvil and cruel for not organising her wedding around what the mum wants, it’s incredibly selfish to have the wedding and the guests you want don’tcha know…”

Well, I didn't expect so many YABU replies, but then , OP, you haven't covered yourself in glory either with the replies.

To me it sounds like mum is one of these that ' needs' a man to escort her to an event of this magnitude.

There's something a bit ' off' about not having met this chap in 3 months though. I wonder what's going on there?.

Why is mum walking you down the aisle and not your dad? that seems a strange choice if there isn't an issue with you and your father.

I actually am flabbergasted at the amount of people thinking that someone should just give in to a tantrum and would be interested to see how all your toddlers turned out if you just gave in to them every time they had one.
Just because this grown up toddler is the brides mother does not give her the chance to make the wedding all about her. Her title to the bride is not entitlement to do what she wants.

You are looking quite vindictive, to me. I know you wish to punish her for the swearing and the hanging up, but I'd need to hear the complete to-and-fro of that conversation, and to have some insight as to what would be considered normal use of strong words in your family, before I could determine whether that's justified.

sorry? you need background before deciding if a woman who is upset that her mum is swearing and hanging up on her is allowed to be upset about it? Your working model of a parent child relationship might involve swearing and hanging up but it clearly isn’t op’s idea of loving kindness, hence her posting here. (I don’t swear at my adult children, I love them to pieces)

Little button there on the side brings you to all the OPs posts where she has CLEARLY already answered both questions.

Can I start by saying that I think your mum has behaved appallingly OP. Firstly asking to bring this man after a week was ridiculous. Her then saying later that she couldn't be fully present or happy on your wedding day without this Johnny come lately being there, must have been deeply hurtful for you.

As a mum with daughters a similar age to you, I just can't think what's going on in her head to behave the way she is. My older DD made some decisions around her wedding that I wasn't fully on board with (main one being she wanted it abroad in the whole Covid aftermath) I expressed my opinion on this once and then totally backed off as it was her decision to make. Younger DD got married recently to someone I thought totally unsuitable, but again having told her all this at the beginning of the relationship - when it came to anything related to her wedding, I basically shut the fuck up about my views, turned up smiled all day and looked happy for them.

In my opinion this is what your mum should be doing too. She's had her say and now she should be respecting your decision and being happy about your wedding. Is it possible that both of you are a bit on the stubborn side and too like each other personality wise, so both of you find it hard to back down?

Either way I think you are clearly in the right here but looking at how intransigent your mum is being. I think you need to brace yourself for her next step being to say she isn't coming at all. At this point you'd need to decide what is more important to you. Good luck and I really do hope your mum gets a grip and stops making your wedding day about her x

You are cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Yes, your mum shouldn’t need him there. Yes, she should just be happy for you.

But, people are complicated. People have insecurities. Sometimes these are irrational but that doesn’t make them any less valid.

At the end of the day you want your mum there and you want her to be happy. You want a drama-free day where everyone is the best version of themselves. Let the boyfriend come so that can happen. Do it for yourself so you can have the day you want.

This!

Sadly this is the attitude of a lot of brides nowadays. “Everything should revolve around me and they should just be happy, whether or not it’s a stressful, horrible day for them. It’s all about me. Who cares about anyone else!” Why do people not care whether their guests enjoy the wedding!?

OP you have frequently come across in your posts as though your seating plan is more important to you than your mother’s happiness. And that your mother should be there to fuss over and help you and forget about her own experience. Can you not see why this might make her feel like crap? And you’re telling her if she loves you she should just suck it up. I invited a whole group of my mum’s friends to my wedding. Personally I couldn’t have cared less whether they were there, but my mum had a great time with them and I have lots of photos of her smiling away with them. Couldn’t you do similar for your mum? The guy doesn’t have to be on the photos at all if you don’t want him on them. Sit him in a corner. Whatever, but do one nice thing for your mum. And yes she shouldn’t have sworn or shouted, and if this hasn’t happened before she is obviously very upset about it. Whether he’s a long term prospect or not, he makes her feel happy and confident- why not let her have that at your wedding? You will be mixing with guests after the ceremony. Why do you need her just standing on the sidelines?
And as for the venue counting people in a fire- as if! People come and go at a wedding. The venue would have no idea who was there. People brought plus ones to my evening reception that weren’t even invited. It didn’t affect my experience. Just tell him to come in the evening! The venue wouldn’t have a clue.

Yabu not her.

This is ridiculous. Why does he even want to come? Surely he would be stood awkwardly all day away from your mum while she’s in photos and with you, that can’t be fun.

Weddings are expensive, we’ve been really selective in who we invite to keep costs down, you would think as someone that’s been married 3 times your mum would recognise that. I’m not even inviting some friends that I would love to have there so I would definitely not be prioritising a stranger.

I do agree there are some red flags though so maybe keep an eye on the situation with your mum and him, but that doesn’t mean she should speak to you how she has and she should definitely apologise.

If it isn’t until summer, she might have broken up by him then anyway.

Your Mum is a nutter! I cannot understand why she'd want her latest squeeze in the wedding photos and at the event, when he'll be out of her life in a year or so 🙄🤡

However, you love her, you want her at the wedding.....give in gracefully. Smile and be an angelic bride full of love and joy for everyone

And try to keep the bloke out of the photos 😖

100% agree.

It's not just a case of him coming along for the day, as OP's mum's date she will want him to sit with her at the top table/them both to be sat off the top table if he can't join her there, she'll want him to be in photos, and she likely will spend the whole time babysitting him since he won't know anyone else present. Will she even want to be with OP as she gets ready if the bf is hanging around on his own somewhere?

It will have an impact on the day for sure, I think most people would want their mums to be present and focused at their wedding. It is one day, she can see her boyfriend the next day!

OP has said that arrangements to meet him were made three times but he cancelled every time.

Yeah,, I get not wanting to give in to your mother's tantrum, but it should never have come to this. Of course she should have been allowed to invite her boyfriend, even if you had not met him. To be honest, you have several months in which to meet him prior to your wedding if you don't like the idea of strangers at your wedding. Inviting 'plus ones' is entirely normal. You are being completely unreasonable.

But, people are complicated. People have insecurities. Sometimes these are irrational but that doesn’t make them any less valid.

yeah clearly the op has never come across the idea that people are complicated. Silly op being upset by being sworn at by her mum when it’s just part of the marvellous and colourful tapestry of people.

I’m complicated and can have irrational feelings, somehow I do all that without swearing and hanging up the phone on my adult daughters.

What if op tells her mum that her soon to be spouse is swearing when he doesn’t get his way. Mum just repeats your above, poorly thought out justification?

I think you’re completely reasonable. As someone who got married recently, it’s your day, an I absolutely would not want someone there I didn’t know well. Weddings are special (and expensive), no one is entitled to a guest, especially one you don’t know.

I do think you're the one who's making it all about him. Personally, I'd let my mum bring a plus one and wouldn't worry too much about who it was - a friend, a boyfriend, whatever. That's the kind thing to do.
I don't understand why you're making such a big deal out of it but weddings seem to do this to some brides. Wanting your mum to be on her own so she can be 'present for you' made me laugh.
She probably feels a bit odd because your dad will be there with his wife. Cut her some slack here.

Smile and be an angelic bride full of love and joy for everyone

aww, and to look around at everyone and see her mum there so full of pure love and joy for her daughter. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel like replies like this are disregarding the fact that it's OP's mum she's talking about and not just a friend.

Inviting a 'plus one' for a central member of the bridal party like that is not the same as inviting a friend's new boyfriend - it will just spiral and spiral as mum makes more demands that he sit with her at the ceremony and meal, spends the morning with them etc. OP could end up with her mum not sat with her at her own wedding due to this, or with a short-lived flame of her mum's in a significant portion of her wedding pics - or mum ends up in a strop on the day if OP asks that he's not in the photos.

I think her mum has been very unfair and put OP in a very difficult position here.

I’m on your side, your mum sounds childish

it’s much more embarrassing for her to bring this man as her plus one then split up with him. Introducing him to all the guests she knows then awkwardly having to admit it wasn’t that serious, him being in your wedding photos awkwardly and in 5 years time no one even remembers who he is etc

It’s a different matter with your step mother because they’ve been together for 26 years. Your mum hasn’t even known him 26 weeks.

I think you are being a bit mean not letting your mum bring a plus one. I can see why it would be odd to meet him for the first time then, but there are months to go yet so meet him beforehand?
You keep saying she "should" do this, "should" feel this, etc. She feels how she feels, it's not for you to allow her to feel a certain way. I agree swearing at you is not good and you're right to pull her up about it.
It sounds like she will be doing a lot for you on the day, perhaps she feels that she deserves to bring a guest.