Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

OP you are not in the wrong in the least and the posts on here baffle me. Your mother is acting like a spoilt petulant child wanting her own way and throwing a tantrum because she is not getting it.

I believe you when you say you think your relationship with her is usually brilliant but I can almost guarantee it is not the first time she has tried to manipulate you into doing things her way. Sounds like a total DARVO situation and she is being beyond unreasonable. Let her stew and let her sulk and it if means she decides not to go to your wedding unless she gets her own way then hard as it will be you will have to accept that you are not a priority in her life.

I honestly don’t see why he can’t come as her plus one.

That's cool. As long as you're prepared for it, it won't come as a shock and potentially ruin your day.

This Makes no sense OP. What happens if an invitee gets massively delayed and can only arrive at evening time? Will the venue reject them? 😂, no of course not! Go back to venue, add one more place for him but then tell your mum he is only invited for the evening do, 8 pm onwards, or whatever. Means he’s not in photos etc (which I assume matters here). Yes, you will pay for the whole place I know, just suck it up. He can just tell venue he’s been delayed arriving. Then the compromise works. Your mum does sound weirdly OTT about this- she’ll be massively busy on the day as has a major role, if I were him I wouldn’t want to be waiting around like that with people I don’t know. And by the time of the wedding your mum and he will have been together for seven or eight months? Or they may have split up 🤷‍♀️

I agree with your standpoint OP.

• I've been to a few weddings without my DH because we're complete people without being joined at the hip
• if she can't spend a day without her new fella I'd not think much of her anyway so wouldn't want her there
• our litmus test for who came to our wedding was "have we been in their front room or have they been in ours". Each to their own but I don't want to be introducing myself to people at my own weddings

Honestly, tell her to sort her priorities out

Yeah at first it reads like perhaps she's someone who is chronically single so now she has a beau she's desperate to have him there at a family event etc but from your updates she's clearly not, and 7 days is way too early to ask for an invite.

She's making herself the main character and behaving in such an inflammatory way, my mums a bit like this and really banks on us forgiving outbursts, or we'd not have a relationship tbh! Shouting and swearing and using emotional blackmailing "I might not be as present if he's not there" etc is classic textbook narcissistic behaviour and she's treading a dangerous path, as its only through your good will that she continues to have a relationship with you after that!

When my mum made a fuss of small things at my wedding it hurt ten times more than her usual fusses because it is such a special occasion to bring drama into, I really thought she'd do better. So I don't see why you're getting so much flack op. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place and the only person who has engineered both of those scenarios is your mother. It's shit, and people who kick up a fuss like that do bank on people giving in so I applaud you for not.

This.

because after he’s invited it’ll be requesting to be at the top table because “he doesn’t know anyone else”

I can already see how this one goes.

yet another post where the op is being berated for not doing what someone else demanded and it’s the guilt trip “you just don’t care enough about them do you?!”
maybe op has realised her dm Just doesn’t care for her then?

If a mum refuses to attend her child's wedding because she can't bring her boyfriend, in my circles she'd be, best case, a bad mum.

If you can't be selfless on your child's wedding day are you even a mum?

How come you haven't met her new boyfriend yet? Have you asked to meet him?

How come your mum is meant to be giving you away and not your dad?

Yeah, I'm not buying that you're worried about the fire risk. Rings totally hollow.

You've made no concession whatsoever to your mum - you were only too happy, I am sure, to be told that you were not allowed an additional evening guest. You cannot use the argument that "you tried" as proof that you "have compromised", because even though you did enquire, it came to nothing, and you are not prepared to budge in any other way.

As a daughter, I can't imagine not wanting my mum to be happy and feel equally valued on my wedding day. As a mother, if I were to be told I had no plus-one for my daughter's wedding, I would be very hurt and confused.

You are looking quite vindictive, to me. I know you wish to punish her for the swearing and the hanging up, but I'd need to hear the complete to-and-fro of that conversation, and to have some insight as to what would be considered normal use of strong words in your family, before I could determine whether that's justified. In my family, most of us like to have recourse to the full lexicon when feelings are running high, so we make allowances for strong language.

Out of interest, who's paying for the wedding and reception?

I cannot agree that her mother's feelings about attending with a new boyfriend come anywhere near her father's attending with the stepmother his daughter has known since she was 4.

The two situations simply don't compare.

My best friend was getting married and I met someone just over a month before, I asked tentatively if I could bring him and she had already added him to the list as she was delighted for me. It was our first night away together and a memory we treasure as does the bride. We are now married ourselves.

Probably does depend on family dynamics, but if you normally have a good relationship with your mum, let her have her happiness and the added confidence of attending with someone. Plus, it's still fairly far away, you have time to meet him.

I don't think that compares in any way to plus one of the bride's mother who is scheduled to be very heavily involved with the preparation on the day and the ceremony.

Sorry OP, you are un the wrong. Your mother should be allowed a plus one, I'm surprised its even up for discussion. You're being selfish.

This guy has cancelled meeting you 3 times already! What makes her think he will even turn up on your wedding day? Can she really be so desperate to have a man at her side?
I would be ready for her not to turn up either.
So far she is showing a total lack of respect for you and your husband-to-be on your wedding day. She has had 3 of them after all!!

She is being a bit childish, but I'd let him come as it clearly means a lot to her and it won't really impact your day.

However, I would let her know that I find it odd inviting someone to the wedding who I haven't yet met and see if she organises a time for you to meet him first.

Well, it's up to you, but this wouldn't be my hill to die on. I understand why you can't afford to let everyone bring a plus-one, especially if the plus-one is someone you've never even met, but surely you could make an exception for your mum? Obviously, she shouldn't have sworn at you, but it sounds as though both of you are hurt, angry and unable to understand the other's point of view.

Some people hate turning up to weddings alone, especially if their ex-spouse and their current spouse are going to be there. Will you really enjoy the day if your mum is feeling uncomfortable and awkward?

Can you discuss it again once you've both calmed down?

OP I'm sorry your Mum swore at you and shouldn't have done that. But I imagine she's doing it out of stress and frustration that her daughter is treating her like a teenager with a new boyfriend.

I'd give her a plus one just so she doesn't feel like a gooseberry on your wedding day, her ex has his wife and if she's a multiple divorcee she probably feels quite embarrassed/vulnerable going alone or deemed to have a relationship thats not serious enough to be recognised by family. I'm sure she'll still give you the most attention but when you're mingling with your other guests and having a good knees up, it would be nice for her to have her new partner with her there too.

Maybe at least meet him. Don't fall out with your mum if you've otherwise had a lovely relationship. Xx

Agree. What's the difference between a twilight wedding and an evening wedding anyway?

Just book him and tell him to come later.

You said yourself your mum is acting out of character - this is a red flag. There may be a dynamic with this new relationship that isn't healthy.

I'd tell your mum that he can come - but that she needs to pay for the full package (as per venue instructions) but can't join until the evening.

I'd then have a conversation with her about how he must be very special if she is prioritizing him over her daughter and grandchild and you'd want to meet him before the wedding - so that you're not meeting him for the first time on the wedding day - and neither are the kids.

That will give you a chance to see whats going on between them.

I'd also make it clear to her that you're hurt by hows shes spoken to you and that seems to be a new thing since meeting him...

I can see there are 2 sides to this .
Yours ,as you have clearly explained is reasonable you don't want someone you don't know at your wedding/its not ? possible with venue re numbers.
Your mums, is she has a new partner of 3 months (?9-10 months) by the time of the wedding who she wants to attend her daughters wedding seems reasonable too.
The shouting and swearing at anytime is uncalled for and poor behaviour, (yes she should apologise)particularly on the run up to a joyful important occasion (although its very common!)
You say the main reason you don't want your mum to bring her new partner is you haven't met him and don't know him,could that be resolved?
Could you meet him and get to know him in the next few months?
If it's purely logistics re: numbers at the venue, could that be resolved? Has everyone you invited rsvp'd as attending? Could one more guest be facilitated?
The bottom line is it is your wedding and you decide who attends. Thats your prerogative .
Having said that ,i do wonder if theres more underlying your vehement decision about not inviting him (you said you'd barely seen your mum and your child commented on this since she took up with this new partner) have you got any underlying feelings of resentment about this?
Bottomline is its your wedding and its your decision either way.
I hope you resolve it and you have a wonderful wedding .

Exactly this.

FOR THOSE WHO ARENT READING THE OPS POSTS
Thrice OP has arranged to meet her mums
new boyfriend and thrice HE has cancelled!!

I agree with you op. Sending solidarity. A grown woman isnt allowed to throw a tantrum and get their way. Also who are all these people on MN paying for absolute strangers at their wedding - do they not have enough friends to fill out the guest list???? Weddings are ridiculously expensive and intimate event why the hell would you have a complete stranger who cant be fucked to meet you !! (This man has cancelled on op 3 times to meet her !)