Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

Yeah but OP clearly doesn't want him there next to her mum for the whole day, the ceremony, the photos etc. I think that is understandable?

The evening was a good compromise as it still includes him but not front and centre with her mum all day, it's just a shame the venue won't allow it.

You appear to be missing the bigger picture here OP. You say that you and your mother have a good relationship. Don't you think that matters more than just one day in your life, even if it is your wedding day ?

If you trust her judgement, then trust that she wouldn't bring someone inappropriate to your wedding. If you want her to be happy and present, why wouldn't you invite her partner given that she's asked for that ? If your reasoning for refusal was that it was too soon, no wonder she's asked again.

Having an adult relationship with your parents is different from the one you had as a child. It's no longer a one way road with all traffic heading in your direction. She has needs of her own, insecurities, fears, wants etc and it sounds like she's been overwhelmed by some of these and not reacted in a perfect way.

You're getting married - congratulations. It is a special day for you but also for your family. You can be generous with your mother regardless of her less than perfect demand and have a lovely relationship going forward. Or you can stand your ground and this can fester. Will you really enjoy your wedding day if you know your mother is putting a face on for you ?

OP if you mother was posting, people would be telling her to apologise and walk back her position. If, she wants to continue to have a good relationship with you. If, on the other hand she wants to a pyrrhic victory in a battle of wills with you, she should crack on with being stubborn. She isn’t asking for our advice and we can’t influence her. And there is only so much influence you can exercise.

As it is, you need to decide what you really want. Do you want to be on solid ground with your mother after the wedding or do you want do validate your refusal to have this man at the wedding.

It is worth reflecting on how you could have approached this. Instead of an adamant no at the start maybe just walk her through the thought process. He will be in all the wedding photos and if they split it she will have a constant reminder. If they split up she is the one with the empty seat next to her. Having a new boyfriend at such a significant event is a bad idea and not rational. You should have helped her see that instead of telling her no.

We can see she has put a lot of unnecessary pressure and expectation on herself and then transferred that to you. We can also see that you are both digging in and it will damage your relationship unless one of you changes something.

Awful to have such ugliness attached to the run up to your wedding.
It reads to me as if your mother was anxious avout being on her own and he quickly became a plus one.
I can understand your hurt, but I would seriously give some thought to how all this negativity, stress and bad feeling will over shadow your day.

It will remain a very painful association for you on a very special day.

After 3 marriages, wedding could be a very sore point for your mother and she really doesn't want to be alone.

Don't get locked into a position that will ultimately overshadow your day.

Wishing you well.

I understand how you feel OP especially if you have a good relationship with my dm has never sworn at me so if she did over a man she’d met after 3 months I’d think she’d gone mad.

she is in the wrong and is clearly getting caught in her own insecurity about seeing your dad and being single and wanting to prove that she’s well loved on and got someone etc. if that the reason it’s very childish and selfish.

however, I would have one last talk with her and expect her to be honest as to her reasoning and demands for him to attend etc etc. I might acquiesce to him being invited but not in any pictures etc

but then after the wedding I would blow a gasket and let her know she was out of order and that she had disappointed me with her behaviour and strong arming me into it.

the alternative is to not invite him and have the day you want. She’ll get over it. She’s being bloody stupid.

Never one where I got an invite that my bf had to ask for after 1 week of us dating.

Not one where my bf was going to be walking his daughter down the aisle and going to be part of the top table and I insisted my new bf ask for an invite after one week of us knowing each other

Not one where I had made appointments to meet the Bride or Groom and then cancelled the meeting

3 times

This isn’t just getting an extra invite made because Gloria from Accounts want her new bf to come to the wedding

The problem here is that you can't control how your mother feels. Yes, she should be happy to come on her own and respect your decision. But for whatever reason, she doesn't. I agree that she is acting like a child, and I agree that your have a right to feel p*ssed off. But for whatever reason, your mother feels very strongly about this, to the point she was incredibly rude to you, which you say is very out of character.

So. You now have two options. One, stick to your guns and don't invite him. This will lead to a lot of tension between you and your mother in the run up to the day and on the day itself. All the little things that you might be looking forward to - hen night, making decorations, dress shopping (if that's not done yet), discussing colour choices - whatever - will now have to done without her. She may well be looking for sympathy from relatives who will likely approach you to try and make you compromise. This is going to add a lot of sh*t to your prep and your day.

Now, maybe you absolutely feel strongly about this, it's a total red line and your mother has crossed it. Perhaps your mother regularly crosses boundaries, and this has been the straw that has broken the camel's back, and you feel like you absolutely MUST draw a line in the sand otherwise she'll run roughshod all over you in the future. If you can project yourself three years down the line, and still feel comfortable with your decision even if your mum is still going out with this new guy, then I say stick to your guns. The memories of your wedding will always be tainted by this argument, but kind of so be it if you feel you have stood up for yourself.

The other option is to invite him. It will be galling to do, and you are absolutely right that your mother shouldn't get her way just because she had a tantrum. But you will remove the stress this will inevitably place on the run up to your day, and there is a chance that your relationship can be mended if you are very honest with your mother. Meet her, face to face, don't do this over text. Somewhere neutral if that helps, like a coffee shop, so that she has to behave herself. Ask her not to interrupt while you say your piece. Tell her how upset you were after your last argument, and how shocked you were at the strength of her feeling, and that what she said was totally out of order. Tell her that for a while, you considered uninviting her to the wedding (not true, but it should give her something to think about). However, you have decided to invite X because you don't want to look back on your wedding and have it tainted by memories of her sniping or being cold in the run up. But make it clear that you are still very upset with her and that right now, you don't want her involved in the prep. And make sure you say that her granddaughter misses her.

I really feel for you. Your mum kicking this off when her relationship was only a week old is batshit. Completely crazy. I suspect a) she's in the first stages of love blindness and honestly believes he's her soulmate - only time will tell - and b) it's very important to her that everyone at your wedding gets to see how loved up they are together. It's largely about validation.

I have no idea, sadly, what the solution is, but your feelings are entirely valid.

Why don't you get to know him, a family meal or a pub lunch, he may be an ok guy, this may help the situation, it is perfectly normal for your Mum to want to bring her partner to your wedding, there is no reason why she still cannot do all the things you want her to do on the day, and after that she gets to have company whilst you are busy doing what you need to do i.e. get married. Life is too short OP, don't fall out with your Mum, no reason why you can't explain to her how you feel but you need to see this from her perspective as well as your own, as does she.

Of course, when it's a friend.

Not when it's your mother (does she want him on the top table? He won't know anyone...)

I'm 100% with you OP. I have a family member who does this to manipulate us into getting what she wants. Others give in for an easy life (I don't) and her behaviour gets worse with them.

If she was your teenage daughter, everyone on here would be urging you to stay strong, don't let her manipulate you, your wedding your choice blah blah blah.

If my mum told me to fk off, she'd be out of the wedding completely immediately. I'm surprised you are still wanting her there, let alone being told on here that you should let her bring her boyfriend. Sod that!

Stay strong!

Maybe try and look past the mother shagging the guy for 3 months to what having “support” or even the pretence of a happy relationship might mean for her confidence in a situation that she is clearly anxious about. It’s very simplistic to reduce it to that.

But for whatever reason, your mother feels very strongly about this, to the point she was incredibly rude to you

i think what you mean to say is that as a younger woman she should back down to any angry older woman?

the strength of anyones feelings will never trump other peoples autonomy and the right to not be controlled.

if op starts shouting, and swearing MORE than the mum, does op automatically get a free pass cos she feels really strongly? What if two people feel equally strongly but one is very wrong? Or the person who isn’t swearing is in the right?

If your mum is great in other ways I wouldn't fall out over this. It's hardly a big deal to allow her to bring him to the wedding seeing as it seems to mean so much to her.

I don't think your wrong OP she's behaving like a toddler stamping her feet.

I think don't argue with her on it have a stock 1 line response of its not possible and leave it as that. If she asks why again or starts swearing another stock response it's been explained already I don't need to rehash old ground it has not changed.

It will be her who loses out should she decide to spit her dummy out or refuse to attend. Stand firm.

FWIW I had a close friend try to behave the same way in relation to plus 1s and a 4 week relationship at our wedding so I understand the upset and anquish it causes at a time when you dont need it.

I simply responded with we would love to have you part of our day but if that's your feelings then we understand please let us know by RSVP and left it at that. She received a reality check from another friend she was comllaining to and attended (the relationship finished 2 weeks after our wedding!)

Maybe she wants support if your dad is there?

maybe op has invited other people the mum knows, like, her own family? People she will know more than the guy she is dating who has now cancelled meeting op three times? Maybe they could support her through the trauma of seeing a man she divorced and has subsequently been through two more divorces and who she sees at a pub quiz regularly but yeah the mum clearly needs to be supported by a stranger when being near a man she knows well and frequently spends time with is wildly uncomfortable for her. (Maybe he was a horrible husband. Maybe he swore at her when she didn’t do what he wanted?)

I’d let her bring him, she’s your mum and you want her to have a good time

I have very little patience with rows over weddings - make it up with your mum, invite him and get on with enjoying your preparations. Or don't, and let it all fester and ruin the run up to your special day.

Why is it a problem if he comes? She’ll still be doing everything else with you and it seems important to her.

I can't for the life of me see the issue in her bringing her plus one to the wedding. Would have liked to see the voting results had OP not disabled polling. I hope, in the same situation, I would want my mum to feel comfortable at my wedding and if that meant bringing a new partner so she didn't feel uncomfortable at coming alone, so be it.

I get the impression this OP is a 'my way or the high way' type person. Quite possible her mother is too. Weddings are not generally known for softening this type of temperament.

It looks like you'll be walking down the aisle on your own at this rate, @Bubseybooba , so I'd settle my mind on the likelikhood of that.

If your mother behaved like this you’d likely feel
the same as the op does. Ops mother has only known him a matter of weeks. Ops mother’s boyfriend has cancelled seeing op three times.

The other thing to bear in mind is even if she invites him he will be on his own for a large part of the day if the OPs mother is helping her get ready, walking her down the aisle and presumably photographs as well.
Surely you can't expect that he would join in with all of these incredibly personal things?
I don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all, but the question is WHY is the mother acting so strangely. Is he coercive and won't let the mother go if he isn't invited. It all seems like a huge overreation to me..

If you’re close to your mum why wouldn’t you listen to her feelings? Honestly you’ll rarely look at wedding photos in the future. He’ll only be in group ones anyway. Part of looking at wedding photos years later is seeing a face and thinking oh yeah remember them?
can you say ok but I’d like to meet him first?

It looks like you'll be walking down the aisle on your own at this rate,

I would rather walk barefoot on broke glass down an aisle on my own than be walked down an aisle by someone who swears at me when they don’t get their own way.

Agreed