Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

Oh come on! It's not common at all for the partner of the mother of the bride, who has been given a pivotal role in the day, to be a man she barely knows herself and who her daughter doesn't know at all (and has broken 3 appointment to meet! )

Controlling my arse.

You can't seriously be suggesting that someone she's known almost all her life equates to someone even her own mother barely knows and she doesn't know at all?

Not all plus ones are equal.

Her father was not invited "plus one". Her father was invited and her stepmother was invited in her own right.

OP be careful listening to people calling your mum a bitch and telling you not to invite him, they won't be around in the future when you miss your relationship with her, they won't be there when you need your mum when times are hard. Your relationship with her is worth more than an invitation.

I'm saying her mother's feelings are just as important as her father's.

sitting on her own with no one to to share how proud she will be feeling of the beautiful woman standing in front of her

if only the op’s mum could have other family there, like her other adult children or other people she has known a long time. No one should make a single woman sit at a family function without a male body next to her. You might as well tar and feather her. It’s not his fault he has cancelled meeting you three times. He’s very important. And who else will be able to appreciate the mums pure joy at her daughter’s nuptials more than Mr Flakey.

Flip the genders on this and no one, absolutely no one, is on the side of a dad who wants to bring his new partner of 12 weeks.

The swearing at the OP, if done by the dad, would have everyone saying, ban him from the wedding and go no contact for rest of life.

Your crystal ball is letting you down. If the mother has a plus one I'd say the father should have one as well.

Why would you have a stranger?

Sorry, see he's cancelled meeting you

Couple of red flags flying there?

OP be careful listening to people calling your mum a bitch and telling you not to invite him, they won't be around in the future when you miss your relationship with her, they won't be there when you need your mum when times are hard. Your relationship with her is worth more than an invitation.

I know right. Imagine if the op is ever going through something stressful and needs a kind loving hand to gently support her through. Like a wedding.

Hi had a similar issue with my “d”m.

But she also wanted him on the top table…. Same as you, didn’t know him. but met him once briefly.

as it turned out with all the agro and the grief it caused the relationship was over by the time I got married.

Personally, I feel like your mum sounds like a petulant child in this…. You don’t know him. But maybe I’m harsh as it’s my own lived experience.

I noticed you said you hardly seen her since meeting this man, could it be a case of he is controlling her? Doesn't want her to go unless he is there and so on? Can you ask her?

I meant using the phrase 'your point should be' was controlling. Apologies; wasn't clear.

If you think marrying the man you love is one of the hard times when you need support you've lived a very blessed life.

Some of these replies are crazy. OP had already agreed he could come as an evening guest, despite not meeting him ever, and it was the venue that said no?

OP I think your mum is being totally unreasonable and it's sad that she's basically saying she can't enjoy your wedding because her boyfriend of 5 mins can't be there too. I wouldn't expect to go along to a wedding a new partner had already been invited to before we were even together, and certainly not if it was his child's wedding where he likely had a major role/would be greeting family/sitting at the top table etc.

OP

re your mother's newest boyfriend of three months

"we've arranged 3 dates and each time he has cancelled because something has come up?"

What reasons did he give for cancelling on you?. How did she react to him cancelling on seeing you?.

I think you might need to be the bigger person here. Tell her that you are really upset by the way she spoke to you and won't be giving her a second chance. Tell her that you want an apology, and tell her that you want to meet her partner well in advance of the wedding and if they cancel again, he definitely won't be getting an invite.
By the time the wedding comes round, they will have been together for getting on for a year (depending on which end of the Summer you are getting married)...... or they could have split up.(Tell her she needs to reimburse you the cost of his meal if this happens)
It sounds as if you normally have a good relationship and it would be a shame to spoil it further, but I also wouldn't want to just give in to her after the way she has gone about this. Make it clear it's on your terms.
It will blow over if everyone swallows their pride and your Mum does what you ask.
Hope you get it resolved and have a lovely day.

I would be smelling a huge red flag about this guy

I think you need to meet your mum on her own away from him and explain that she sounds unhinged for saying that this new relationship after 1 week meant more to her than you did.
I would say to her he sounds like a walking Red Flag and she comes across as someone who is in fear of being abused.
What is he going to do if he doesn’t get an invite. Is he going to be texting and calling her all day. Is she going to be so fearful of not spending a minute without him and worried about his reaction when she gets home.
Doesn't he have friends he hangs out with or something to do. Does he have a job or is he mooching off her for money and he thinks if she spends a day without him it might bring her to her senses and she might see that their relationship isn’t that great.

Does he have his own place, or was he homeless. What is his history and has she checked that what he has told her is the truth.
Is he so worried that when meeting you that the story he has told to her is going to be exposed as lies.
It’s not normal that 3 times you have tried to meet him and the meetings have been cancelled
Nor is it normal that even your brother hasn’t met him.

She needs to open her eyes to see he is coming across as an abuser or a scammer and no way you are going to have that in your wedding. Has he got access to her bank account? Is he trying to get her to part with money for some big expensive deal that’s going to make her ££££s

I would ask how she is going to perform her duties as MOB who is also walking you down the aisle if she isn’t going to be present and is going to make the day all about her and how upset she is.

My thoughts are that he hinted that he wanted to come to the wedding because then
he could concentrate her mind to them being together in 9 months and it would be harder for her to break up with him.

What is he going to do all day at your wedding. He knows no one.
He can’t be in the front row sat beside her because he is a stranger to you and everyone coming.

She is acting like a petulant teen who can’t get her own way so is going to ruin everything.

I have an awful relationship with my mums husband, they have been together some time so slight difference there, but we don’t get on. In an ideal world I would have preferred him to not attend my wedding. However, in a practical sense, my mother would have been seething and would have spent the day in a sulk (if she’d even attended) and as a result I’d have been upset.

I completely empathise with your situation, and morally I don’t think you’re wrong, but I do think you need to consider the outcomes. If you hold strong on this, she’ll either not come or she’ll come and be in a horrid mood (which are both awful things for her to do, but something you can’t change!). So if her doing those things would upset you then I’d probably bite the bullet and just invite him/put up with him for the day!

Haven't you ever been a plus one at a wedding where you didn't know the bridal couple? I have more than once, didn't think it was unusual.

I bet if they offered to pay full price for him the venue would accept that one guest was arriving late. Of course you'd have to be very petty to pay full price and do that but I suppose we all have different ideas of how you care for your guests.

@TheignT Same ! At least 3 close work colleagues who my partner didn't know, and the other way round. I wouldn't dream of not inviting a friends partner because I didn't know them (not sure about a partner of 1 week though !)

If you think marrying the man you love is one of the hard times when you need support you've lived a very blessed life.

right. So mums are allowed to swear at and hang up on their adult children in the run up to a wedding. When aren’t mums allowed to swear at their adult kids? (Why aren’t I swearing at my adult kids?)

I would make an effort to get to meet him before the wedding, then he won't be a 'complete stranger'. A relationship has to start somewhere, who knows this man may go on to be a life long partner to your Mum. I suppose 3 months into the relationship they are bound to still be in the lovey dovey phase.Are you worried about her focus being on him and not you? This is understandable as it is your wedding. Can you talk to her about this if this is what you are worried about and stress that it is very important to you that she is there and present on the day for you, even if her new partner is at the wedding. Her behaviour ie swearing down the phone and hanging up on you is not acceptable ,and she needs to acknowledge this. Inviting him after that behaviour has to be with the strong caveat that you won't tolerate this again ( but you did say that this was out of character for her) .Sometimes when someone behaves out of character it is because they have a strong emotional reaction to something triggered from the past , which you Mom would gain from exploring ,for instance being left out as a child, or as previous poster said any bitterness left over from her marriage to your Dad. We can all react irrationally when an old wound is reopened. So unless your Mom has previous form for emotional blackmail, I would look at the situation again and invite and welcome her new partner. You never know they might have split up by the summer!

But...the plus one of the mother of the bride though?

I think that would be quite an odd situation, for a mother/father to bring a new partner that presumably no one in the family has met before to such a major event as their daughter's wedding.

It's totally different if a friend has a plus one that no no one knows, but the mother of the bride is a big part of a wedding.

I found out we was not allowed evenings guests as we are having a twilight wedding.

this is why the evening was an ideal compromise as the legal serious bit was done.

Of course you can have him as an “evening guest”, what you do is add him and pay for him as a full guest but then TELL HIM he is only to arrive during the evening; it’s not that difficult and everyone wins. As long as you’re paying the venue and he’s accounted for in their numbers, they are not going to care what time he actually arrives (bar crashing the ceremony); they’ll be used to adjusting for no shows, people ducking in and out, late arrivals, people leaving early etc.

If money for a full guest is an issue, ask your mum to pay for him; this way you’re honouring your compromise but your mum isn’t completely getting her own way either; especially if she has to pay for him.