Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

You have always had an amazing relationship with your mum ...yet this is a hill you're prepared to die on ...on your wedding Day? You can be right ...she shouldn't be making an issue about this ...or you can be happy. I would go for happy even if she is being unreasonable 💐

Ah my friend has a mum like this four husbands. Thank goodness she's in her eighties now and has quietened down.

I understand you better now @Bubseybooba .

My rule with our wedding was that plus ones weren't invited if we'd never met them. We were mid 20s. One of my husband's mates split up with a girlfriend so he was down as 1 then got together with someone else. Tough guff, the list's finished, the numbers are finalised and we're full to the brim.

Obvs, a parent is different to a mate. However, your mum sounds like she's being an absolute brat about it.

I've gone to weddings without my husband, especially when we were younger and there were billions of weddings each year - he worked shifts including weekends and had to prioritise leave for family weddings or his closest friends. I still had a lovely time!

His mum has never had a partner in all the decades I've known her for but we invited her best mate to come with her on the day.

If it's a numbers thing, show her that you can't physically fit any more people around the tables. If it's a not wanting a stranger in all your wedding photos thing, tell her he can come but he's not in any official photos.

But ultimately, it's your wedding and you should only invite people who you want to be with you to share your special day, not some random guy who's been in your life for less time than your hairdresser, dog sitter, that lady on the tills at Morrisons who always has a chat etc.

Your mum is in the wrong for speaking to you like that. I can see why you’re disappointed in her.
However, as others have said, even though it’s your big day, surely you want everyone there to be having a good day as well. It sounds like she’s got herself in a tiz about appearing single at the event (which in a way is fair enough for her to feel aggrieved, as she’s not technically single).
I think sometimes the bride and groom (I’m not saying this have a go at you, I just mean people in general) get caught up in wanting the day to be exactly as they want, forgetting that for many of the guests it’s quite a different experience. ie it’s a long day and can be quite stressful for some guests.
My MiL got herself in a big state about having to see her ex (ie FiL) on the day, and her behaviour appeared quite selfish to some - but really she had just got herself so anxious about having to see his new partner and appearing single herself.
I can see why you feel let down by your mum, and I think it would be good to calmly tell her that, to get it off your chest.. but in the same conversation you could agree to have him there for the whole day.
She does sound like she’s being a bit like a giddy teenager, from from what you said about her dropping you and her grandchild because she’s so infatuated by this new guy. It’s annoying, but if you still want her as a big part of your wedding and of your life, I think you need to acquiesce a little.

He's not her partner he's a very new latest boyfriend in an absolute string of previously failed relationships.

Your mum sounds out of order, tbh. If this is new behaviour for her, I would be worried about what kind of relationship she's in. If she has always been a bit selfish and put men first above her kids, then maybe this is just the first time you've come up against it in such an obvious way.

My suggestion: invite the new boyfriend, but downgrade your mum's involvement in the day. So she can spend the day as a guest with her boyfriend, but not be walking you down the aisle, doing hair and make up with you etc. She is just an ordinary guest. If she is happy with that situation, then that seems like a reasonable compromise which keeps the boyfriend at more of a distance from you. If your mum wants to do all the MoB stuff then explain the boyfriend can't come because he doesn't know anyone and will have no one to shepherd him around while your mum is with you.

I don't know if that's a good solution, but maybe worth thinking about?

Jeez, when my DD gets married, all of my focus will be on her, no matter my personal circumstances. It is her day, not mine. Your mum is being a selfish cunt IMO

Quite agree.
The day is about the happy couple. Tbh, I wouldn't care if he came or not if my wedding and regardless of reason why he's not coming (choice/all booked in advance etc) her reaction is OTT and rather... spoiled.

If you didn't want him there that should be your choice, it's your day.

I have to say that being the plus one of someone with a major role in a wedding is a tedious day spent mostly alone while they do their thing. So if new man is champing at the bit to come he is either very odd or very controlling. If he comes, your mum will spend the day checking he is ok, snatching moments with him, popping out to see if he's lonely etc. Presumably he will not know anyone else there. What will be be doing while mum is helping you get ready? Where will he sit during the ceremony? During the meal? Mum will shoehorn him onto top table, front row etc. etc. Or be constantly called/lured away from the centre of things to be with him.

If she's being this unhinged already, who knows how it will be on the day? Best case scenario is that they split before the wedding because otherwise whether he comes or not, your mum is unlikely to be the MOB you are hoping for.

I think YABU. She shouldn't have shouted at you like that but it obviously means a lot to her to have him there. I don't understand why it needs to be a big issue that she has a plus one. Also I think if you're telling how she should feel and act then that can really rub people up the wrong way.

I know weddings are supposed to be all about what the bride wants and everyone else be damned, but this is just the result of that. You have to have some give and take.

Maybe she wants support if your dad is there?

I think there is still a compromise to be had. Why don't you have him down as a guest for the full wedding with the venue, but agree with your mum which bits he will / won't be there for - e.g. he could arrive after the ceremony and photos?
I think given you have always had a good relationship with your mum, it's worth bending a little and compromising so you can both move on and not have the negativity of a fall out hanging over you.

She's had two other husbands in between.

I guess everyone is coupled up. Even you are coupled up now. She doesn't want to be perceived as unsuccessful in the relationship stakes.

It's really difficult being an older woman.You are discarded and unlistened to. You are unimportant, always an afterthought, never the main event. You feel unattractive. Menopause is a pig, And your daughter getting married heralds a changing of the guards, a new matriarch is on the way, taking your role in the family. That's really tough.

You'll be an older woman one day yourself and will experience it yourself, so cut her some slack. If it's important for your Mother (who gave you everything) to have this one thing, just give it to her. It costs you nothing.

Believe me, some middle aged man is not going to upstage you.

Well her first, second, third husband meant a lot to her at the time.

Mum I suspect is a middle aged selfish child/woman which the OP has started to see. They're bloody exhausting.

Are you prepared for your mum not to be at the wedding at all, as it seems that’s the way it’s going, with you both so entrenched in your positions.
That’s what you must decide. How far are you prepared to go OP?

Would it be possible to get round it by adding him to the guest list (but not telling your mum that) and then only inviting him after the dinner and speeches, for the later part of the evening.
The venue can’t object to that, you can just tell them on the day that one guest is turning up late and doesn’t require food.
At the same time, you can tell your mum that you spoke to the venue and they have relented on the evening guest rule.

It’s a way out, - but will cost you of course. Is it a price worth paying?
Only you and your fiancée can decide.

As to wanting an apology, I doubt you will receive one. Your mum doesn’t exactly sound like the shy, retiring, insecure, person who is worried about being on her own at her daughter’s wedding.
Her verbally abusive behaviour and her continued insistence at upsetting you is not good. I don’t think she will back down, at least not until this new relationship is over, which could well be before your wedding anyway.

I do think you may have to give way a bit and fork out a bit more money to shift this impasse if you want to have the nice run up to your wedding that you are so desiring.
Good luck!

Wow Gen Z really think everything is abuse. The most self absorbed entitled generation ever. The comments about the mum here are horrible.

It sounds like she’s got herself in a tiz about appearing single at the event

is that what we’re calling swearing and hanging up on people? And getting in a tiz is okay if it’s about our ego? So mum is just being daft and harmless whereas op is unreasonable?

Does nobody else see the red flags in there having been three arrangements to meet this man before deciding whether or not he could come to the wedding, which were all cancelled by him?

It doesn't matter if he's only a fling rather than a partner. It would have been polite to give mum a +1 invite in the first place. Let her bring a bloke, or her next door neighbour, it's a reasonable thing to do.

The most self absorbed entitled generation ever.

I know right. The op’s mum is behaving extremely selfishly. Fancy demanding your new boyfriend comes to your wedding even though you’re going to be busy all day with the bride. It’s so sad when older adults are still controlled by their ego. Terrible waste.

No her mum should be treated the same as her dad, invite plus one.

I’m sorry but you need to think a wee bit further into your wedding day. Your mum is helping you dress , walking you down the aisle , then sitting in the front row on her own . Once you reach your groom and are in your lovely bubble , you’re not going to care who is at your wedding . what’s your mum doing in the meantime? sitting on her own with no one to to share how proud she will be feeling of the beautiful woman standing in front of her about to become a married woman. Please reconsider your decision .

'Your point should be'? It's not really acceptable to tell people what they should think or express. You seem quite controlling. It is very common for guests to have a plus one; you don't have to know them.

""partner" is a bit a stretch isnt it.

Someone you've known for 3 months is not your partner.

Imagine if hes there and your mum starts insisting he's in all the family photos.

Imagine she'll want him set next to her at top table.

And if the dad is bringing a wife of 26 years surely she can be grown up about.