Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

Not sure why you’ve posted.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of this, which you have explained from your point of view repeatedly, the current status quo is that both you and your mother have dug yourselves into intractable positions.

It's stalemate and you really need to think carefully about what matters to you most in order to break the deadlock.

You don't want to ruin the run-up to the wedding and the day itself by allowing this to rumble on, unresolved.

Don't wait for an apology - it may never come. It's a damage limitation exercise now so take charge of the situation.

You want your mother at your wedding without this man - but ask yourself the question, if it came to 2 stark choices, which is better?

1. Your mother coming accompanied by this man; OR
2. Your mother not coming at all?

Don't let pride & stubbornness make everything worse, for either of you, but particularly for yourself.

Good luck resolving this as well as is now possible

Just let her bring him as a plus 1. Your Mother probably just wants to be part of a couple.

I honestly think you could lose a whole lot more by your stance, your relationship could be ruined, she may not come, it could cause your brother to feel uncomfortable in the future because of this fall out.

It seems to be all about your hurt, let her have her plus 1 and enjoy the day. Is it worth years of upset, only you can decide that.

I also feel get the impression that you are judgemental sbout her being married three times.

I meant divorced from the op's father.

This

Why can’t you just sneak him in, in the evening. How would they notice one extra person?

I'm with you OP, you don't have to have anyone at your wedding that you dont want. Simple as that. Getting yelled at and hung up on would make me dig my heels in further

I especially enjoyed the post that said 'I was pressured into inviting people to my wedding I didn't want there and I did it to keep the peace. I didn't enjoy my wedding. You should do the same'.

You are both being unreasonable - you are clearly both very stubborn people.

I would have said yes the first time she asked tbh - you had plenty of time to meet him before the wedding, and I'd care about my mum feeling comfortable at my wedding.

Both you and your mum sound childish. Her for having a tantrum and you for saying he's not invited now anyway and how it's not fair.
She won't have been with him for 3 months when you get married will she? And why don't you invite them over for a drink or something so you can get to know him?
Not quite the same but I had someone at my wedding who I had never met and hadn't invited (my cousin phoned up to ask if she could bring her boyfriend). I didn't mind.
I don't understand why you didn't let him come in the first place tbh. It's your mum, not some random woman asking.
Up to you but I think you risk spoiling your wedding if you don't invite him but obviously up to you.

“Not sure why you’ve posted.”

im not sure why you posted the above? I’m happy for you to elaborate unless it was just a meaningless aside and some sort of shoddy ad hom?

Especially in view of this, I would not accept a man who I don't know and who is very likely not to remain my mother's partner to be in my wedding photos.

It would spoil the memories of the day forever if (when) she falls out with him and there he is in your photos and your memories.

I also don't think you should have somebody at your small and intimate wedding whose behaviour you have absolutely no idea about. He could easily spoil the whole thing if he behaves inappropriately. Inappropriately ranging from being obsequiously nice to you to getting drunk and picking a fight.

Plain no from me, your mother is being unreasonable.

I do agree that your Mum has behaved poorly towards you. The fact she asked to bring her boyfriend after knowing him for a week makes me think it's more about her showing off a relationship, rather than him as an individual. For whatever reason she clearly feels very strongly about this, but has gone completely the wrong way about communicating it to you.
If you were feeling generous (and were able to get your Mum to acknowledge her response has been unreasonable) you could add him as a day guest but insist he only attend after a certain time, if you felt this would be respected.
It would appear that the partners come and go, but you would hope your Mum will be a more permanent fixture in your life, you don't want or need this being the thing the ruins your relationship with her completely, and overshadows what should be such an important day for both of you. For that she needs to at least meet you halfway.

You're being too rigid with no leeway at all.

You said you gave your mum a compromise in letting her partner come to the evening do, but it isn't a compromise as it's not been allowed .

Perhaps your mum feels a bit lonely having to come without a plus one . I know you don't know him yet but surely there are other people's partners coming, who you don't know?

You've always had a good relationship with your mum , is it really worth your refusal to let her bring him? It could end up a permanent estrangement .

I don't understand why you didn't let him come in the first place tbh. It's your mum, not some random woman asking.

But that's the point. It's her mum. Her mum is supposed to be walking her down the aisle. Her mum is supposed to be concentrating on her daughter's big day, not cuddling up to the latest in a string of relationships that there are good signs won't last.

If you don't want to accede to her wishes, that is your choice.

Equally, it is your mum's choice whether or not she attends your wedding. It sounds like she doesn't want to go on her own.

If you want your mum to be happy on your big day let her bring her partner. She doesn’t want to be on her own. Can’t see why it’s a problem unless there’s something you’re not telling us

It’s also the mother being stubborn
what’s more important to her, helping her daughter with her wedding or holding hands with her very new bf?

Aw hell no.

Your mother sounds toxic af. You tried to accommodate her latest fling. It didn't work out. Concentrate on your wedding. Without her.

This is my point. It shouldn’t be dependent on someone she has known for 12 weeks and that is my issue.

but it's the principle of the thing isn't it, she asked a question and you immediately shut her down without any consideration from your side.. so now she is showing no consideration either, everything that has happened since has happened BECAUSE you shut her down like a naughty child who has stepped out of line.

If she asked to bring a friend with her on the day, would you still say "no, absolutely not"? It seems harsh to shut it down without even considering it or spending some time getting to know him IMO.. saying "he's a stranger" when the wedding is 10 months away was really rude, you would have had almost a year to get to know him and decide, you could easily have batted it into the long grass, but you've obviously already made your mind up about him and wanted your feelings to be known, it was a bold move and now you have to live with the consequences of that.

The daft thing is you had the capability to add him as a full guest later down the line and tell them he was just invited to the evening do only, but you blew that as well in your haste to find an excuse for him not to come.

What’s stopping you from meeting him?
I’m sorry, ignore me, I’ve just seen that you’ve tried to meet him and been cancelled every time. That’s actually quite worrying..

As your mum’s plus one he would automatically be part of the bridal party. Someone you’ve never even met.

I don’t blame you for not wanting him there.o

Your mum is being unreasonable and selfish. I would be concerned about her but I wouldn’t relent.

my mum is walking me down the aisle, she is helping me get dressed, sitting in the front row of the ceremony ect.

Yeah, maybe not anymore. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face - invite him, what is the big deal. You have until summer to meet him, she doesn't want to go on her own. Why shouldn't she get a plus one, your dad did, regardless of whether you know the woman. You don't punish people for being single or decide where their plans lie, the sheer arrogance of how the plus ones are doled out at weddings today. Where I am from, everyone gets a plus one.

yup definitely BUT the OP can't change what her mother does so she has to decide what matters to HER and that includes the consequences that she is prepared to accept.

I'm really thankful that I come from a generation that didn't make such a fuss about weddings. Op, I'd have given my mum a +1 invitation from the start and let her bring whoever she wanted with her.

It doesn't matter if he pops up in a few photos of the day. Just ask mum to make sure he's not in actual family photos - just as she would have done if she'd had a friend with her. If they break up later it doesn't matter, there will be others in the photos who vanish from your life over time.
He doesn't go on the top table. Just put him on a table with people you think he might get on with. Break the bonds of conventionality - ask your mum whether she still wants to be on top table or sitting with him. Be kind to her, it sounds as if she's doing a lot to support you on the day.
Set out with the intention of enjoying the day, even if everything doesn't follow some sort of 'perfect' wedding template.