Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

I agree with you this is no longer about the partner but about how you’ve been treated by someone who is suppose to be excited and happy for you. Weddings bring out the worst in some people, I got married over 10 years ago but I remember after an argument with my mum about some of her friends not being invited I rudely told her that she has had her 2 weddings and this was mine and that she would be uninvited if she didn’t pack it in. Luckily it got the message across and never had a problem since, I think people are very quick to lose sight of what’s important when a wedding is mentioned for some reason!

Lots of people on this thread have been groomed to tolerate abuse. Some people on this thread think giving birth to another human renders you incapable of cruelty. Some people on this thread think that what things look like to outsiders is more important than how we behave when no one is there to see.

op has realised this can’t go away. Even if she capitulates she now realises the profound disconnect with her mum. Op do you have some good people in rl you can talk to. Safe people who can hold your best interests? People completely unconnected to your family? This is a painful situation to be handling in the run up to your wedding and I hope you’re being gentle and compassionate with yourself (mumsnet can’t offer a safe space anymore, there’s too much unresolved trauma here)

I’ve read all of your responses and it is totally irrelevant what any of us strangers think it is very clear that you are not going to budge on this decision and are willing to damage your relationship with your mum over this. So, with this in mind I would like to offer a few suggestions that might help to at least do some damage control.

1. You are clearly hurt by your mothers words and actions so why not write her a message explaining what you have said here that it’s not about him and that you are hurt by saying she can’t enjoy the wedding day if he isn’t there. That you find it hurtful that she is basically saying that she can’t put you first for one day and that this new guy is her priority. By putting it in a message you can make sure you explain your position without getting emotional or fumbling over words like we all do when talking on the phone. It also gives her time to think and process what you are saying.

2. Could you not talk to the venue and explain the situation and ask that they reconsider you having ONE evening guest! You are spending loads of money with them and they should be bending over backwards to make you happy. I had an issue over food with my venue (I am an awkward eater and asked for a slightly different main meal and they said no…so I said they could explain to any guests asking why the bride wasn’t eating then….they backed down!).
   If they really won’t budge then why not add him as an extra guest BUT tell you mum he is not to attend until Xpm of the evening. That way he is still an evening guest essentially and will miss the photos ect. You could also ask your mum to pay for him as it’s at her insistence.

I think there is a way you both can “win”
but you both need to be a little flexible. I think from reading your posts it is more important for you to feel heard by your mum and she understands your point of view that anything. So the message could be a good way of doing that.
Good luck

@Bubseybooba I think you have had a hard time on this thread. Your Mum is acting outrageously, and the swearing at you is really not on.

I wouldn't want someone at my wedding that I didn't know. Next she will be trying to get him in all the photos. This is a hill I would choose to die on. Clearly other MNers are so much kinder, although I think if it was their own wedding they might feel differently.

you wouldn't let your divorced mum, who has been divorced for 20 odd years, to bring a plus one? That's a bit harsh.

She’s been married 3 times… divorced for 2 years from wedding #3. I love how people act like they know the facts

Divorced for 20 years lol. She's been married 3 times. Her latest boyfriend had cancelled meeting OP 3 times. RTFTFFS!

Sorry, cross posted!

you are not going to budge on this decision and are willing to damage your relationship with your mum over this.

Sorry where are we with swearing amd hanging up on people in terms of what is and isn’t damaging? Or is it only situations that might make the mum look bad that need to be magically forgotten about? How often do you swear at and hang up on your daughter? It’s mind boggling the gymnastics people will do. If op said her groom was doing this would you just be waiving that behaviour off?

Don’t say you offered a compromise of evening guest when a venue is not allowing evening guests. You should have checked before offering- it looks like you lied to her. Even if you didn’t.
in reality you offered no compromises at all.

why can’t you get to know him before the wedding? Is there more to it that you are not happy that she’s dating someone anr disapprove and she senses that (from your comments that she’s spending less time with your kids)? Why haven’t you made an effort to meet him?

why can’t you talk to her why it’s so important to her? I agree that she probably doesn’t want to feel like a loser when your dad comes with his wife. Why can’t you give her that one thing?

yes she behaved badly but you treating this like a tantrum of a 2 year old when you can’t give in is also unreasonable. With adults you can be more flexible

Oh let her bring him fgs.

Both of you need to just calm down, make up and enjoy the run up to the wedding. Good luck.

I honestly cannot believe how many people are siding with the mum.

Mum should be so focused on her daughter on the wedding day that she shouldn't even have capacity to think about her new partner. It's not like giving a normal guest a plus one who would spend the whole time together.

80 is a fairly small wedding to adding in a stranger that won't know anybody could really have an impact on the dynamic.

I'd be very clearly telling her this is not her day. She's had her day - 3 times by the sounds of it? She can either completely drop the subject or just not come.

Why are so many people stuck on its all ops fault?
make me think they’re either abusers themselves or have abusive back grounds. It’s basically
”the problem is you’re not doing what I want and what you’re being told, if you’d just do what I want everything would be ok” !

You are coming across a little immature. Yes, your mum was weird to ask if someone she'd been dating for one week could come to your wedding in several months time. But have you tried to see where her anxiety (and hence she keeps raising it) is coming from? Its sounds as though it really matters to her to not be single / 'on her own' on your wedding day. She may feel she's failed and will be seen as a failure in love. Your dad is happily long-term remarried, and she has a couple of failed attempts behind her. On a day when everyone is loved up, focussed on relationships and marriage, she is perhaps worried about looking like a spare part.

I'm not saying that's right, but her feelings would be entirely understandable, and very real to her.

It's a huge day - her daughter's wedding - and this worry is spoiling her enjoyment of the run up to it.

By the time you marry they'll have been together xx months and you may well have met him and got along with him. There will come a point when it will be more odd that he isn't there.

Her actions come from a place of anxiety, and would it really hurt you to help your mum feel less anxious. Please don't be bridezilla - it isn't only your feelings that matter on your wedding day.

I caveat what I've just said - if your mum has form for being unreasonable / demanding / selfish / rude, then you have a bigger problem, and I can understand your concerns. Equally, her bf may turn out to be awful. But those things aside, treating your mum like a naughty toddler and trying to punish her for being rude to you is really immature.

Even more so, she clearly doesn’t want to be seen as a total failure on relationship front.

With this lol you generally sound a bit disrespectful towards your mom, I REALLY doubt you have an amazing relationship.

Not sure why people are taking her side here, she is being a selfish fucking bitch. I reckon she sees weddings as her thing, having had 3. Now it's your wedding she's making it about her and this random boyfriend you have never met. I'd seriously uninvited her completely, she'll fuck up the day somehow, cos she's more important than her own daughter. Have your brother or a friend walk you down the aisle. The reason she's never acted like this before is, I bet, that you were always compliant and weddings are a major trigger for your childish, selfish mother. Tell her to fuck off. Your wedding, your rules.

Does your Mum usually need to make everything about her?!
Absolutely ridiculous.
Stick to your guns, she should be a pillar of support for you right now as you deal with wedding organisation stress.
She sounds like a nightmare- I’m guessing you usually get on well because she gets her own way all the time!

This. Also one who thinks the mum should be completely focused on her daughter.

Oh give over. Not every conflict in relationships is abuse.

Your mum should have always been factored a plus one. Yes your mum has behaved badly. Yes she should apologise but I think you both are similarly stubborn (your account of her actions and you from the tone of your responses on here). Just speak to your mum. Say you don’t like the way she spoke to you and take it from there. Surely your mum not enjoying the day would be just as upsetting for you?

By the time summer comes she will be with him 6+ months, if they are still together surely he can attend?

You have asked for opinions and are not happy when the opinions opposing your view are shared.

Your mum is wrong for how she has spoken to you and she should apologise. From your mums perspective, is there a reason why you are refusing? You’ve cited you’ve never met him, go for a family dinner? Make the effort for your mum.

Are you max’d out on your numbers included with the fee? Could she foot the bill if necessary? Twilight wedding, my understanding is that they don’t include a sit down meal (I may be incorrect) but if the case this may mean seating isn’t an issue. You haven’t really cited a justified reason for his exclusion.

Clearly a lot of this will be down to your dad’s wife being there and I personally would not commit myself to a point of view if it meant upsetting my mum.

For the sake of your relationship, invite your mums boyfriend but ensure you have plenty of pictures without him in just in case their relationship doesn’t last.

Because it is damaging their relationship so sometimes it is better to just fall on your sword. Does it matter if he comes, I had plus ones at our wedding I didn't know.
It's her dm, she clearly feels more comfortable with someone with her, the ex will be there so insecurities tend to be heightened

I agree that she probably doesn’t want to feel like a loser when your dad comes with his wife. Why can’t you give her that one thing

give her what? The pretence of being in a long term relationship?

also you are saying that it is okay for me to swear at you and hang up on you if you don’t help me manage my ego. You are saying that if my ego is feeling threatened I then get to control people instead of growing the fk up like adults do.

Sorry your mum is out of order here - I would feel the same and wouldn’t budge on the new bf - you don’t know him! He literally could be anyone/anything.