To never be a wife

[Whatwouldyoudonow]

I've been with my partner over 20 years since we were young. We got together and had children in our teens, I became a SAHM and he worked hard to support us. He asked me to marry him a few years down the line and I said yes. We had more children and were so busy with life that marrying wasn't a priority for either of us and to be honest I wasn't overly bothered about rushing to get married when I was younger. At that age you feel like you've got all the time in the world. We talked about it a while ago, we're older now and I hoped we would marry in the next few years and he seemed on the same page about it during those conversations. However, he's recently made it clear that he doesn't want to marry me, ever. He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all. I don't want a big wedding, a registery office would be fine. I want a marriage, to vow our commitment to eachother, to be eachothers next of kin, to call him my husband and to have his name for however many years we have on this earth. He doesn't seem to care how upset I am about it but he wanted the same only a few years ago, to get married eventually. I'm sure many people will say this is why you don't have children before marrying, if it meant that much why has it taken over 20 years etc but it happened and I can't change any of what we've done in the past. We can only move forward and change the future. I feel hurt, rejected, embarrassed, resentful even and i'm finding it difficult to feel the same about him so it's really been affecting our relationship. I can't get over these feelings no matter how hard I have tried. I don't want to throw away our relationship, it's been very tough at times, but we've made it all these years and I always thought we'd be together forever. My feelings have surprised me as I didn't realise being married meant this much to me until he decided it was off the table. I guess I just don't know what to do or how to make myself accept and be ok with the fact he doesn't want to get married to me. Has anyone been through similar, how did you get over feeling this way?

People who are generally honest never assume others are liars. It takes time to be so realistic/cynical life teaches harsh lessons. We were all young and fooled by a man at one time. You're not in the wrong to have been trusting and loving and honest.

At least you've got a huge chunk of life ahead of you, you didn't come to this conclusion in old age, and your kids are not toddlers.

It's going to be hard, get some support in your corner, you're going to feel grief and loss. But if you leave him to his own devices, the relationship will go down the toilet anyway, and he will set the terms. At least this way you get to take back some control.

I wish you a lot of luck.

Of course you deserve kindness and compassion. You haven't killed or harmed anyone. You have done what you thought was right, you were very young and likely didn't have family support.
It's him that should be ashamed.

Just because he doesn't want to get married doesn't mean that he doesn't love you

I would read up on this part of pension benefits, so you fully understand the situation and can appreciate how you and your children fit into the financial situation that he's making . I know you have a lot to consider. Moneyhelper website might be useful for gathering information. Look after yourself.

Yes, it does. Because he has lied to her and led her on for 20 years dangling the carrot, even proposing at one point, and only now admitted he doesn't care at all how she feels and that marriage is off the table. He won't even write a will.

You can set the bar low for yourself if you like, but you can't pretend someone who behaves like this loves the other person.

It would actually be best if OP learned a trade. A lot of jobs that require a degree are going to be swallowed up by AI in the next few years, and I think the general public simply aren't prepared for it.

It does when he knows how important it is to his partner, how vulnerable their relationship is making her and the children, how much she wants to marry him, and how deeply he is hurting her. You don’t do that to someone you genuinely love.

I agree. You’ve nothing to be ashamed of, OP. You were young and naturally trusting at first. Later you still had faith in him because you loved him. That’s not being stupid. People who are honest and fair tend to expect the same in others; those others are at fault if they let you down.

I hope you aren't cooking and washing for him. Let him wash his own skiddy pants.

I would have left long ago.

You said it all when you said he didn't care how upset you were.

You are not stupid @Whatwouldyoudonow and you deserve kindness and compassion. I second the comments about giving yourself a week to let things sink in a bit. Say nothing to him and then start looking at your options moving forward. He's not your friend and you need to play your cards close to your chest and think about what's going to be best for you.

@Whatwouldyoudonow please talk to yourself kindly op, I trusted a man who I shouldn't have for far too long, and honestly, it sounds like you spent a long time building a family and raising children in good faith. Innocent maybe but not stupid (I have to tell myself the same thing, starting over at a similar age).

Tomorrow:
Take yourself off for a coffee tomorrow, or the library/citizens advice and take some paper/ your phone notes app and do some brain storming. Some solicitors do 30mins free and citizens advice sometimes have family lawyers for a free 30 min appointment.

It's just so you know what your next steps are, and what rights you might have and need to be aware of. I personally would tell your GP too. Sometimes they have ways to help you back into work, and they could put you on the waiting list for talking therapies, (the lists are sometimes long so it's good to start it preempitvely)

Over the next coming week I would:

1. Open a new bank account, do not tell him. Change your passwords on everything, if asked, say the kids got into your stuff.

2. There are free online courses at level 2 if you look up "funded courses" childcare might be a good place to start- they always need staff, you have looked after young children for a lot of years, they can put you through the required training in house and it can lead to things like early years teaching etc, which might fit in with childcare if you are likely to become a single mum. I am not sue what ages your DC are (baby brain) but it sounds like they might range from young adult to some a bit younger, so you might still need a job where you can be around for them. If DC are at primary you could ask them about routes into TA. I am just brainstorming.

3. Go to the Job Centre, tell them what you told us. They are a gateway into everything you can be entitled to, and they have provision for interview prep and funds if you need help with transport to an interview.

If you have family and friends, you could let someone you reallly know and trust in on what's going on, but make sure it's someone fully on Team Op- even if you love his mum/sister/nan you can't bring them in, assume they will choose him.

It's a lot. It is shit. You can do this for you and for the dc x

I never felt the need to be a wife.

This is awful. Something has changed in him, something now preventing him from wishing to safeguard you financially in the event of his death or becoming seriously ill. His words about wills not being worth the paper they're written on is simply stupid, a complete and deliberate disregard for you.

He knows what he is doing. I would wager there is someone to whom he wants to promise his assets and finances. It isn't necessarily that he is having an affair but that's possible.

Equally, he may have drafted a will for himself already, and he's giving these assets and financial accruals to a young person, a son or daughter, or someone else he feels close to. He's lost the sense of emotional closeness to you, Op. Someone else has taken that place in his mind.

I was you once. I decided I was going before I was too old to get a mortgage etc. He CRUMBLED, I thrived and honestly I have never neen more content in my life. If he won't marry you within a set time scale....end it.

That's one explanation.

Or get could be just like you and have no idea about all this either.

If the latter, then you need to tell him so he can do the right thing

It's not just a piece of paper, it's a financial and legal deal, so it actually is important AND he understands that just fine, otherwise he wouldn't see a problem with signing "just a piece of paper".

That's really careless of him. You definitely need a will or your assets will be divided by you and your children rather than just going to you. This can also apply to life insurance policies too, hope you have life insurance to cover funerals/mortgage etc.

In New Zealand we consider any couple who have been living together for 3 years married for monetary purposes unless you sign an opt out agreement. Do you not have anything like this in UK?

In New Zealand we have an opt out option, where you can sign a contract to say you are keeping your assets separate if living together without marriage. Not sure how it stands up after you have children together though.

The not wanting a will would be the red flag for me.

No, we don’t have this in the UK.

I’m sorry OP, this has definitely been a wake up call for you. Not for him, as now you know exactly why he doesn’t want to get married. He doesn’t want to have to share his pension if you split. Meanwhile, you’ve been raising the DC and contributing nothing to your pension.

I’d be reconsidering everything to be honest, as I don’t know if i’d believe he does love me. The fact he once proposed is even worse. OP, whatever happens, you need to get a job. I always recommend the civil service as it’s flexible for family life in my experience and it has an excellent pension. Still time to build that up. Your DP can start doing 50-50 of everything, including picking up Dc from school / wrap around, plus incurring half the cost. I’d tell him today that since he won’t get married you will be returning to work as you are aware that he doesn’t care what happens to you financially then you need to look after yourself. What an arse.

I had this conversation with my 17yr old DD yesterday driving to school, that schools should teach females that its a huge risk giving up a job / career to be a SAHM when you’re unmarried.

Good luck OP. You sound like a lovely lady.

What’s so upsetting is the realisation that the two are actually coming from entirely different places. Lovely op acting in good faith thinking they are building a family together for the good of all of them. The partner looking out for his own interests entirely. Happy to take from the unit but not to protect it..

I had an evil boss in my twenties one of his gems was “you are on my team I am not on yours”. That’s basically this guys position here. At least you’ve realised now op.

Sadly, no.

Do your research into your current and future finances, especially should either of you die. Present these to him as a detailed list of how vulnerable you are financially. It may be that he does not realise this. He may not be thoroughly evil, but simply ignorant.

See what his response is. If it is unfavourable and he seems not to care then you have a clear picture of where you stand and can make decisions on that basis.

You say you love him, and you have built a family with him. There must be something positive there. If you present him with your list and he does not care then at least you have some clarity.