To never be a wife

[Whatwouldyoudonow]

I've been with my partner over 20 years since we were young. We got together and had children in our teens, I became a SAHM and he worked hard to support us. He asked me to marry him a few years down the line and I said yes. We had more children and were so busy with life that marrying wasn't a priority for either of us and to be honest I wasn't overly bothered about rushing to get married when I was younger. At that age you feel like you've got all the time in the world. We talked about it a while ago, we're older now and I hoped we would marry in the next few years and he seemed on the same page about it during those conversations. However, he's recently made it clear that he doesn't want to marry me, ever. He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all. I don't want a big wedding, a registery office would be fine. I want a marriage, to vow our commitment to eachother, to be eachothers next of kin, to call him my husband and to have his name for however many years we have on this earth. He doesn't seem to care how upset I am about it but he wanted the same only a few years ago, to get married eventually. I'm sure many people will say this is why you don't have children before marrying, if it meant that much why has it taken over 20 years etc but it happened and I can't change any of what we've done in the past. We can only move forward and change the future. I feel hurt, rejected, embarrassed, resentful even and i'm finding it difficult to feel the same about him so it's really been affecting our relationship. I can't get over these feelings no matter how hard I have tried. I don't want to throw away our relationship, it's been very tough at times, but we've made it all these years and I always thought we'd be together forever. My feelings have surprised me as I didn't realise being married meant this much to me until he decided it was off the table. I guess I just don't know what to do or how to make myself accept and be ok with the fact he doesn't want to get married to me. Has anyone been through similar, how did you get over feeling this way?

If you still have dependent children, they don’t mean much to him, either, as rather than ensuring there is enough money left in his estate to ensure they are cared for, he is making no arrangements to formalise who should hold their share of his estate in trust for them and use it solely for their benefit until they are old enough to take legal responsibility, and hasn’t bothered to appoint executors, and is happy for what is left to be carved up amongst his children, dependent or otherwise, leaving the main carer of his dependent children high and dry. Any chance he has other children by other women who might come out of the woodwork on his death? They would obviously inherit over and above you, too.

Is there anything you would like to do OP?

Many training providers offer L2 TA courses, and additional L2 courses in SEND, Autism and children's and young person's mental health. In person, usually with similar women wanting/needing a change. If that is something that interests you?

Are you definitely on the mortgage? I'm not asking because I doubt you, it just sounds like he has been gaslighting you and protecting himself.

OP I wrote a long post talking about how your situation mirrored my own life and giving advice and somehow it disappeared, even though comments tend to stay around. So I'm just going to be brief now.

All your feelings of disappointment, resentment, hurt etc are valid. Don't be gaslighted into thinking differently.

In the past you were young, naive about the emotional spend a relationship (especially with kids) takes. Naive in uncoupling financial security from love and commitment. They are absolutely tied together, which I think you see now. Because you were young you concentrated on the wedding. Now with maturity you realise it's chiefly about the value of the marriage and the deeper values and insurance it symbolises.

Your partner does not.

So, do not. DO NOT waste more time hanging on, hoping for a change. You are 38, but it flies fast and before you know it you are 48 approaching 50. Your partner does not appreciate you and all you have contributed towards his happiness and the happiness of the family the way he should do. You are not appreciated. Your feelings of rejection, resentment and insecurity will grow as you age if you keep the status quo.

Start slowly gaining your own independence. I'm not saying leave now, that would be unrealistic, but start detaching your dependency and start getting angry about the way he is undermining you.

Gather your strength in the background. In addition to the excellent advice here, it's crucial that you go out and get an outside hobby. Something. Meet people or socialise with friends more and when men approach you whilst out and about talk to them (I am not suggesting you swap numbers or anything, just engage in friendly convo). Start getting your confidence up. How is your self care? Treat yourself to new make up and a few new fashion items. Go to the gym or swim, or jog. Do it for yourself. You need to nurture yourself.

Also, this is crucial: DO NOT ASK HIM TO CONSIDER MARRIAGE AGAIN

Nothing signals desperate, can't live without you, and you are the prize, than a woman begging a man to commit (as unfair as the situation is)It will actually shift the dynamics and cause him to withdraw even further away at a faster rate. You need to be signalling that YOU can pick and choose if you want. The man has forgotten who you are.

Look at single mum accounts for inspo. I like this one here
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DHttYo5uGZu

OP, everything has already been said.
What isn’t clear to me is whether you have had this very open discussion with him outlining all the reasons why a marriage or CP at least would be needed in order to put you in a safer place. Does he fully understand this, have you had this discussion?
I am just trying to understand whether he is simply being very selfish and ignorant about this or whether he fully understands the implications and still deliberately choosing not to do it.

Regardless of this, I agree with everyone else’s advice re getting a job asap. You are still young!

Have you asked him what’s changed? I don’t want to fearmonger but is it possible that he’s having an affair or gearing up to leave you?

with you being a SAHM wife you need to get some measures in place to protect yourself. Are you on the deed to your home? On the event of a break up will you be left homeless, no income, no pension. Do you have any insurances to protect you?

does he give you money or access to back accounts as a SAHM?

Great to see you’re looking at career options and courses. Did you get any qualifications in school/college? Could you set up your own business?

The marriage is awful and the no wills too. If you’re not married it’s imperative you have wills in place as he would die intestate and the money etc may not go to you as next of kin. You need a proper chat with him if you are staying together. If you leave you’ll get housing benefit and other benefits. What are you claiming already?

I agree with all of this. I have a friend who’s a SAHM/W she has worked just doesn’t now.

Her DH makes sure she has what she needs in the way of clothes, makeup and other things and if she goes out and runs out of money he transfers her money straightaway whilst she’s out. She also has 3 dogs one a puppy that she adores and walks.

Funny that. Are worth the paper they're written on.

If he dies intestate you get nothing, you are not his next of kin. He knows this. Is why he hasn't married you or made a will.

Okay, the next of kin are your children, but you'd have to hope they give you some of it.

Upon marriage, if you are in england all wills are revoked and everything passes to your spouse.When you die.

Never understandPeople who say they don't see the point in getting married or don't have time.It costs a couple of hundred pounds down at a registry office with two witnesses.Does it not?

Weddings are a big deal.You don't need a big wedding. Marriage is pretty easy to do.

We got married 5 years ago in our late 50s because DH had a cancer diagnosis. We had been together 36 years at that point. We would definitely have been hit by IHT plus he had some dubious relatives who since then have been making life difficult.

You will be eligible for most apprenticeships as they don't have age restrictions so worth looking at these. For eg link below for NHS but you can look at civil service and local council https://www.jobs.nhs.uk/candidate/search/results?contractType=Apprenticeship&language=en#
Seems like your partner may not want to step up and share childcare and housework to support your return to work but it's a battle you'll need to fight to reclaim some financial independence
Good luck

Is she a child or a grown woman?
"Her husband makes sure..."
At least she is married but a grown woman should not need to be dependent on husband s transfers she should have full acess ro joint accounts etc

Or do you mean
She makes sure she has full access to joint accounts

I think I wouldn’t say another word but I’d look for a job now and one I can start at the bottom in the train and move up ( civil service, maybe care work, maybe NHS etc) and once I had it would tell him we need to sort out picking younger child up from school and a cleaner and he will have share shopping cooking and chores. You’re only 38 I radically changed careers at that age it’s not too late for you to start one. On top of gaining financial independence you may actually enjoy meeting new people and new horizons. Check your mortgage / deeds and then shrug your shoulders and and think its his loss. You don’t need to be loyal to him if he isn’t to you.

.

It’s shocking how you didn’t know this.

This is correct.

Even with a will other relatives can claim and cause huge problems by delaying probate and taking them to court. Happens quite often.

It’s sad OP, but you have to take your head out of the sand and it sounds like you are doing so. He needs to be given a clear rationale for what comes next and you need to remain strong.

For what it is worth, I am the main earner for my family. When my DH (then boyfriend) gave up work to look after our baby, I immediately said we needed to get married. I wrote a will to make sure that his daughter from a previous relationship was fairly included in the division of our assets after death, and making sure the execution of the will would be the responsibility of someone not emotionally/practically paralysed by my death, I made sure my life insurance would enable him and my child to continue living comfortably should I die. This to my mind is the bare minimum that any breadwinning spouse should do, it is part of your responsibility as the wage earner to think about how you will protect your family in all scenarios, not to selfishly plan so you do not have any responsibilities should you wish to leave on a whim. Who would honestly think it is ok to create a scenario where they die in a terrible accident and their spouse gets nothing/has to get into a protracted legal battle with others vulturing around the inheritance?

I wish you lots of luck. You can get to a place where you control your security and I am rooting for you to do that.

OP, sorry, not read all of the posts, just yours…..no legal protection of a marriage certificate, no protection from Wills (or presumably LPAs), just a joint mortgage but no understanding of which type, and you a SAHM. To be fair, Wills can be changed at the drop of a hat so a Marriage Certificate has a lot more weight.

My advice ? You need to get advice from an IFA (Independent Financial Adviser), Solicitor, and possible Marriage/Relationship Counsellor, not necessarily in that order. If your partner won’t agree to see them with you then see them all on your own, find out and understand your and the children’s legal and financial position if, he leaves you, he dies, he becomes incapacitated, you die, you become incapacitated, or any other scenario you or the professionals can think of.

You must be in such turmoil now trying to understand the emotional side of things but, those aside, you really do need to get the practicalities sorted out.

You’re still young, use your strength for you and the children.

You need proper legal advice because depending on what jurisdiction you are in you have a claim if you separate and you have a claim if you stick with him and he dies. Please go and get some decent advice before you do anything else.

OP, your last post shows you are ready to take action and that's great. Tell him that as you aren't married, you've realised that you are incredibly financially vulnerable and you need to sort that out by focusing on your future and your career. You've picked up the slack with kids so far, he's going to have to do a lot more of that going forward. I think out of your bad situation you have the ability to completely turn it around for the positive. It's likely to change the dynamic between you. Hold onto your hat, there will be adventure aplenty ahead and you will be doing this for you and the kids, no more sacrifices for him.

This.

Feel for you OP. If youth knew and age could and all that. Beyond rubbish after being a great Wife in all but legality for many years he’s decided, unilaterally that he (whatever he says) essentially wants to keep his options open and not fully commit. You’ve every right to feel hurt, rejected, used, disrespected and duped imho. Only option you have is to go nuclear. Not as a plot but genuinely. Give him a reason to evaluate and not just see you as old faithful. Be unequivocally hard in your engagement. He’ll either have an epiphany or he won’t but do not be tempted to let him have his cake and eat it too. If need be (and needs must!) read The Rules…some iffy things but some of it bang on. Be prepared for it to go wrong and lead to separation though as your withdrawal needs to be a genuine… be either a case of out of sight out of mind or absence makes heart grow fonder… Be matter of fact when you tell him…if it is over don’t be a banshee, if it isn’t and he just needs a wake up call, will make you a lass unlike any other to approach it calmly… ala: I care about you and DC but I’ve been thinking about what you said, I’m checking for a bit. As you’ve decided I’m not the woman for you. You lead your life, I’ll lead mine and thanks for good times to date… but I need time to process and get my head round where I stand, I’ve a lot to give, that was not the future I wanted for us, and might be we need to separate as marriage important to me, we can talk when I’ve had time to think but whatever happens, please know together or apart, I value the time we’ve had, no one has died so know even if I do need to walk away we’ll be fine so thanks in advance for the space…

Oh OP, your loving and trusting nature has let you down here. He still isn’t a good partner. He may have changed his bad old ways, but his present behaviour is no better.

Make notes of all the financial and other advice you’ve had here, and check with eg the Citizens Advice Bureau that you’ve got it all correct.

Then, you need to sit down together, at a time when you won’t be interrupted, and have a serious conversation about the future. Don’t let him fob you off with excuses or vague assurances that everything will be all right (it won’t).

If he agrees to marry you, and if you still want to, arrange it immediately, register office, two witnesses, done.

If he still refuses, you will now know what your options are.

Either way, do please seek careers advice, ask friends and families if they have suggestions or contacts that could help. If possible get a job, any job, while you plan training or whatever else you’re going to need to get back into the workforce. As an unmarried SAHM, your dependence on him is your biggest problem at present.

Best of luck, OP. We’re all backing you.

You’re potentially in a very dangerous position financially

I’m in a long term relationship and not married. However I work full time, have savings, invest and I’m growing a pension.

If you split, what would you be entitled too? Half the house if it’s in your name too. Have you got him to invest in your name, put money in your ISA or pay into a pension for you? If not, you have nothing. Marriage isn’t the commitment of love, it’s financial security when you choose a family dynamic of one parent staying home