To never be a wife

[Whatwouldyoudonow]

I've been with my partner over 20 years since we were young. We got together and had children in our teens, I became a SAHM and he worked hard to support us. He asked me to marry him a few years down the line and I said yes. We had more children and were so busy with life that marrying wasn't a priority for either of us and to be honest I wasn't overly bothered about rushing to get married when I was younger. At that age you feel like you've got all the time in the world. We talked about it a while ago, we're older now and I hoped we would marry in the next few years and he seemed on the same page about it during those conversations. However, he's recently made it clear that he doesn't want to marry me, ever. He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all. I don't want a big wedding, a registery office would be fine. I want a marriage, to vow our commitment to eachother, to be eachothers next of kin, to call him my husband and to have his name for however many years we have on this earth. He doesn't seem to care how upset I am about it but he wanted the same only a few years ago, to get married eventually. I'm sure many people will say this is why you don't have children before marrying, if it meant that much why has it taken over 20 years etc but it happened and I can't change any of what we've done in the past. We can only move forward and change the future. I feel hurt, rejected, embarrassed, resentful even and i'm finding it difficult to feel the same about him so it's really been affecting our relationship. I can't get over these feelings no matter how hard I have tried. I don't want to throw away our relationship, it's been very tough at times, but we've made it all these years and I always thought we'd be together forever. My feelings have surprised me as I didn't realise being married meant this much to me until he decided it was off the table. I guess I just don't know what to do or how to make myself accept and be ok with the fact he doesn't want to get married to me. Has anyone been through similar, how did you get over feeling this way?

The good news is at 38 you still have 30 years to work and build on an income and pension. Please don't opt out of any pension, as it will be needed in future. Contact women returner organisations as they may be able toxhelp you find work. Even if you just get a couple of shifts in a supermarket to begin with, you will then have references and some work experience. No point in dwelling in the past and kicking yourself for believing in him, use the energy to improve your future. Good luck with it all.

"you can have no idea whether they’re married or not" The OP? what?

If he's not prepared to go through with a wedding, even a small one, what about trying for a registry wedding with just the two of you and two witnesses?
No fuss just a formality.

If he's not prepared to do this you need to talk to a solicitor to find out what rights you have as he could already have another life in mind without you.

You’ve allowed this man to dictate your life for long enough. You need to start taking back control.
He doesn’t want to marry you. So screw him!

Your main focus is work. Something that might be easier to get into would being a teaching assistant. Arrange a meeting with your head teacher of your child’s school . Explain that you’ve been out of the work force and would like to volunteer to get a reference. Do three months, then apply to an agency. It’s about £50 a day, but it’s a start. You can do an online distance course :

https://www.thinkemployment.com/courses/teaching-assistant-course-level-2/

https://www.openstudycollege.com/collections/teaching-assistant?tw_source=google&tw_adid=776648291966&tw_campaign=23069981978&tw_kwdid=kwd-297165246858&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23069981978&gbraid=0AAAAAD86sRWmBm3e3N6nVC7KjybxgQzq6&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIkJ_n8v-9kgMVSotQBh0oFyeaEAAYBCAAEgJMmPD_BwE

These are just examples. Your local college may have courses too. You’ll want at least level 2 . Some agencies may want you to have this qualification first. After agency work, you can look for a permanent job.

It’s not a great paying job but the key things here are:

• It’s an easier way into work
• Your partner won’t expect it.

You want to try and set yourself up without your partner knowing. If he knows too much, he could kick you out with no notice. It’s better to make a plan where you control the time frames.

Don’t fall for the Sunk Cost Fallacy. Just because you have given twenty years doesn’t mean adding more to that will be better. Those years are gone. But you’ve got plenty more.

Get a job. Move out. Show your kids that no matter how deep you are in, you can always change things. You deserve so much more than this man.

I send you love and many thoughts. While this link may seem a bit much, if you have no savings- building up a wee stash somewhere safe may be helpful and there is advice here that is worth a look regardless while you make your plans. Lists of documents you may want to find and so on. I apologise if someone else has posted this- I’ve read your updates but not the whole thread. Good luck xx

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/de-linking-from-the-abuser/preparing-to-leave-an-abuser/

There are lots of skills bootcamps available at the moment OP which will give you a short course, and some do give you a qualification and guaranteed interview at the end. You should also get some financial advice and try and establish where you stand wrt the mortgage on your house. It seems daunting of course but it's not too late to get some skills and improve your financial situation. He doesn't care about you or respect you and it's time to stick up for yourself. Good luck

Am I definitely not being unreasonable wanting him to marry me when he doesnt want to? I didn't care about marriage when we were younger and he proposed, is it fair I care now when he's decided he doesn't? Maybe it is all my fault for my attitude to marriage back then, he wasn't a very good partner when we were young. The life we've built as we've grown older and more mature is completely different to how things were.

put him and the marriage to one side for a sec op.

Think about your financial and economic position almost as a separate thing. You need your wits about you for this bit, and whether you marry tomorrow or never, you still need to think about getting some decent advice IRL and setting up your future, your late 30s is a perfect time, now that the baby years are behind you

I could almost guarantee that his reluctance to pop the question now has nothing at all to do with you saying no decades ago

You are both allowed to change your minds as time goes on, it's just he has all the eggs in his basket, and none in yours, and he seems not to want to sign any documents, not just the marriage cert, which makes us all a bit 🧐

You're not being unreasonable wanting him to marry you. People can change their minds.
However obviously you can't make him want to marry you and he can change his mind too.
The problem is that you both now want different things. He doesn't want marriage, you do, so it's up to you whether you stay in the situation or not.

Yep you need to stop thinking about the marriage thing for a while and focus on the fact you are a 38 year old woman in 2026 with no savings, no income and no pension. Are you planning to be financially dependent on a man all your life?

What if you do marry and he leaves you? Or you leave him? What if he dies or can't work due to illness or injury?

What if he decides when the kids are older he fancies dialling back the work a bit or changing careers?

There are 2 parts to this, OP.

One is that (I think - forgive me if I’m wrong), you want him to make that commitment to you to show you he loves you.

The other is a separate issue which has come about because of his refusal to meet your expectations on the first part.

Regardless of why you want him to marry you, or what his stated reasons are for refusing, this isn’t just about marriage anymore. He has put you in an incredibly vulnerable position by allowing you to stay at home with no financial security of your own and nothing legal in place to protect you if he leaves or dies.

So the conversation is no longer ‘marry me to show your commitment and that you love me’ - it is now ‘I have realised I have no security and could be royally screwed; so whether you marry me or not, we need to work out how I can have financial security.‘

As it happens; the simplest, cheapest way to do this is marriage or CP, but if he is against that, you can seek legal and financial advice to get wills drawn up and financial matters sorted out so that you are protected.

That is the conversation. You aren’t making him do anything. You’re telling him the position you are in and that something needs to happen to correct it.

Why would you not do this? It’s not an ultimatum to make him marry you - it’s a statement that you’ve realised your frighteningly vulnerable position and, if he cares, he will help you to sort that out in some way.

The fact that he is resisting making wills is also worrying. The whole picture of commitment on his part is not there. I'm so sorry OP. You're not daft or unreasonable.

He wasn't a good partner then. He's still not a good partner, he's just adapted and perfected his technique with age. Presumably when you were young he was outwardly unpleasant in all the standard ways. Now he's denying you financial security and peace of mind. You have no savings. You have no idea about so many aspects of your family's financial situation. That is quieter.....and far, far nastier.

He knows i'm financially vulnerable, ofcourse he does. I just (stupidly) didn't even consider it before, I feel so sad realising everything and not really wanting to believe it at the same time.
Yes, he didn't want to commit to being a partner and dad, he lied a lot, cheated. So he's definitely much better now. He works hard to provide for us all and he is a far better dad now than he was back then. We got together so young and he was my first love. We've come a long way since being young teenagers, I thought we were in it together forever and had eachothers backs.

I'm just all over the place. I'm so sad.

As others have said, you need to find out some factual information.
Does he have savings? If so, how much?
Does he have a private pension? How much is in it? Has he a completed an option form for who he would like to be paid it if he dies?(if that's possible).
Has he got life insurance, and who is the beneficiary if he dies?
Are you covered for receiving a state pension ie full contributions paid up to date?
Is your name on the house deeds?

There may be paperwork in the house which could give you some answers. If it's online that's harder, unless you know his password to access his phone or computer.

Once you have the information, you are better placed to have a calm discussion with him.

If you can't get a lot of this information then you will have to ask him when you have your discussion.

Write down bullet points so you don't get distracted and forget things.

Write a list for him of key points/questions.

I would suggest dropping the dcs with a friend if you can, or get a babysitter and the two of you go out somewhere, so that you are not distracted by the children.

Good luck 💐

Okay. You've had your time to indulge yourself and be sad. It's necessary and normal to feel that way. Not it is the time to get fired up and do something about the situation you are in.

I don’t mean to be a dick OP but if he was a poor partner/liar/cheater back in the day, why go on to have multiple children? Was that something he pushed for and wanted along with encouraging you to be a SAHM?
Lots of posters have asked about getting a job, is that something you want to do/had planned to do anyway?

You need to think carefully about what has changed- you weren't bothered about marriage even when you had children. Presumably you put wills in place to make sure your children are protected.
So what has changed so profoundly? Are you considering your security in the future if he dies?
why are you suddenly so concerned about being called his wife, taking his name etc- have you had a religious conversion, because changing your beliefs about things like this in later life is rare.
You also need to have a calm conversation with him about how he has so profoundly changed his mind.
Remember there is absolutely no reason why you can't grow old with him just because you aren't married, surely you realise that?

I think you should send a clear message that you will do all you can to protect your own long term best interests. That you will respond to his choices with choices of your own.
What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander- if he can put himself first so can you @Whatwouldyoudonow

My mum and her dp weren’t married. They wanted to, but believed that since her state pension was based off my Df’s contributions, that it would hurt them financially to get married.

anyway. Her DP had her named on his pension(s)
and he had named me as the will executor in case she had died first. He died believing 100% that he’d done everything possible to look after her financially after his death.

he’d had 2 jobs and therefore 2 private pensions. First company (the council) said unmarried so fuck off. She got nothing. Second company (high street bank) fought hard to give my mum zero of her dp’s pension. They’d been together 25+ years. I had to provide all sorts of evidence, essentially a giant dossier with all sorts of proof of every financial spect of her life to prove that she couldn’t manage without a reduced part of his pension. Eventually they paid out, but because they were unmarried, it was not guaranteed and it was a major, major fight that took me months to win. During which time, me and DH lent her money.

also when he was critically ill, all the decision were down to me as I had power of attorney, whereas my unmarried mum was essentially considered to be nobody/irrelevant.

One in three divorces now concerns couples in their fifties or older, usually once the children are raised (or almost). I really think you need to start planning your financial future or you could end up being poor in 5 or 10 years if anything happens to your partner or he decides to hitch up with someone 10 or more years younger. It happens all the time. I have a sister who gave up work to raise two children and twenty years later her husband started a close friendship with another women who had no children but a very nice pension based on 40+ years of well-paid work.

I stayed because I was only young and didn't want to break up our family, he made mistakes and we moved on. I believe in working on a relationship even when times are really tough, I wouldn't just walk away from it without trying. The grass isn't always greener.
We're much more stable and solid now and have been for many years that's why I feel like we're in a good place to finally take that step into marriage. When we were younger we both said when we married we wanted a big (likely expensive) church wedding with the big dress etc and we didn't have that kind of money but now we're older a registery office would be fine.
I'm already looking at what courses I can start and career options so I can get into work, start earning and paying into a pension. I want to get started on that asap.
I just felt really upset and emotional with it all last night, i'm ready to face it today.

Go for it OP.