To never be a wife

[Whatwouldyoudonow]

I've been with my partner over 20 years since we were young. We got together and had children in our teens, I became a SAHM and he worked hard to support us. He asked me to marry him a few years down the line and I said yes. We had more children and were so busy with life that marrying wasn't a priority for either of us and to be honest I wasn't overly bothered about rushing to get married when I was younger. At that age you feel like you've got all the time in the world. We talked about it a while ago, we're older now and I hoped we would marry in the next few years and he seemed on the same page about it during those conversations. However, he's recently made it clear that he doesn't want to marry me, ever. He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all. I don't want a big wedding, a registery office would be fine. I want a marriage, to vow our commitment to eachother, to be eachothers next of kin, to call him my husband and to have his name for however many years we have on this earth. He doesn't seem to care how upset I am about it but he wanted the same only a few years ago, to get married eventually. I'm sure many people will say this is why you don't have children before marrying, if it meant that much why has it taken over 20 years etc but it happened and I can't change any of what we've done in the past. We can only move forward and change the future. I feel hurt, rejected, embarrassed, resentful even and i'm finding it difficult to feel the same about him so it's really been affecting our relationship. I can't get over these feelings no matter how hard I have tried. I don't want to throw away our relationship, it's been very tough at times, but we've made it all these years and I always thought we'd be together forever. My feelings have surprised me as I didn't realise being married meant this much to me until he decided it was off the table. I guess I just don't know what to do or how to make myself accept and be ok with the fact he doesn't want to get married to me. Has anyone been through similar, how did you get over feeling this way?

If you can’t be helpful then why bother to comment. Let’s hope you aren’t in a vulnerable situation with children and not working and not married.

@SPQRomanus yes. That is why I said we would probably get married one day for tax purposes.

OP you need to take control and responsibility for your own financial future. The best time to have learnt that was before you stopped working, the second best time is right now.

Even if you do get married you are only 38, it won't be long before your children are grown up and have their own lives - do you want to be financially dependent on someone else for the rest of your life? it is a long life and anything can happen - you need to build your own financial independence for your future.

Take this as an opportunity to change things.

You are young. You need to get yourself into work asap. There will be support for adult skills / adults joining the workforce. Get yourself down to the Job Centre and find out what help there is out there for you.

You need to start thinking and planning as a single mother now. Protect yourself financially and put your security and wellbeing first.

Well yes, he’s had everything he wanted out of a wife. Children, house kept, bed warm, 20 years of commitment. Now, the only thing he stands to lose is that if you break up you’d get half of the money and house etc. Right now you wouldn’t be entitled to anything financially except child maintenance….

It’s not ‘sadly’ the whole point of marriage is you’re opting into shared finances. Imagine living with a boyfriend for 5 years and then discovering he had 50k debt but because you hadn’t opted out you’re liable!

The only way to deal with finances is through contracts and going in with eyes open. Aka marriage or civil partnerships

I agree @MungoforPresident

Yeh they had a kind of verbal Contract for op to be nanny housewife etc for decades....but no signed contract (marriage) no back up to protect her financially for doing that ...

Please don't beat yourself up too much, a lot of people don't think about this legal and financial side of marriage.

Maybe he's thinking that you'll get the marriage and then promptly leave him, and then be entitled to half of his assets. That would explain why he doesn't want to do it.

At least your name is on the mortgage. Citizens Advice should be able to explain what your options are.

Good point. I’m wondering if in fact he has signed ‘pieces of paper’ protecting his own interests and possibly directing his money (which if they married would be equally OP’s) to someone else.

I think the assets would just go to his children if he died. She would get none of his assets as she is not married to him. At least she has half the house as her name is also on the mortgage.

His children would get a claim but so could a zillion other relatives who could make a case. Intestacy is a nightmare. There's something so wrong here. Even selfish vampiric men who don't love their partners enough to want to secure them in life will often allow them some money when they're dead and can't use it. Why won't he?

It just goes to the children equally under the intestacy rules. He likely knows that so that is what he wants to happen. The children to have everything leaving you out. That is the end result of his actions. That’s not how you treat someone you love.

I don't know where you've got that information from, but I don't think it's right. As I said yesterday if someone dies without a will and with no spouse or civil partnership the children get everything. No other relative can claim anything.

I wouldn't put it off too long Sorry to be morbid, but death can happen at any time. Thinking of someone we know who died very suddenly at 70 with no previous health problems. Committed relationship with partner going back decades, but not married, no civil partnership. Partner has had to remortgage to pay the inheritance tax. Ten minutes at the Register Office and there would have been no tax to pay at all.

I see this so often it’s so sad. The survivor left with an IHT bill on first death they would have avoided entirely had they got a CP.

Op, I’m so sorry that you have been put in such a vulnerable situation. The positives are that you are young and can make a future for yourself now that you know where you stand.

As well as checking your mortgage details, also check that you are on the deeds of your home. You can do this for a small fee via land registry. If you are only on the mortgage and not the deeds too, you run the risk of having all the debt without any of the assets!

Do you have any savings or access to joint savings?

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g despite being in London we are not really much over the current IHT threshold - not all MN posters live in houses subject to IHT!

But I do take your point!

I mean nothing to him then

I don't have any savings

First things first OP before you go at him with an ultimatum… you need to find out your situation. Find out your position on the house, how much you own, what equity is in it. That might be your only asset. So find out the details.

Then look to getting a job or some qualifications.

I can’t imagine my other half refusing to marry me after I laid out all the reasons why it’s not a piece of paper alone. So if he does refuse after a big, long talk with full discussion of possible outcomes then, yes, it seems you don’t mean much to him any more for some reason.

Personally I’d also be asking for my ISA allowance (20k) to be filled from the savings that should be joint but he seems to be hoarding.

In which case you need to be looking to enter employment, sell the house and move elsewhere.

I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry you are in this position. Don’t feel bad, it is easily done. I can see how it happened. But the good news is this is salvageable. You are only 38! I would tell him when he says he wants to stay with you forever that that is what you wanted too, unfortunately it looks like you cannot afford to. You are currently at risk of ending up homeless and penniless should anything happen to him.

Therefore for you own well being you need to go back to work full time. Suggest if he really wanted to stay with you forever he needs to take over all childcare and home duties in order to enable you to work. It’s what he expects of you so should be good enough for him too right?

Obviously he will refuse and personally, I would not be prepared to be chief cook, maid and childcare to someone who does not care about my well-being so even to my own detriment I would leave (after putting plans in place). Why should he have a personal maid in addition to all the advantages of working and having access to his children each day who are cared for by someone else? The injustice I could not live with.

It might be that faced with the implosion of his comfy little life he will be forced to do the right thing (if indeed you WANT to marry under those circumstances). If not, well, at l3st you are no longer being treated like a serf.

I don't disagree with anything people are saying except.... before you go nuclear, based on what you've learnt/realised/considered from this thread, I would encourage you to properly talk to him again. Laying it all out and asking for a) transparency and b) ways to reduce your vulnerability.

Men are socialised to believe their way of thinking is right and that if they're not worried abotu something, no one else should. It's not an excuse but I'm just saying that you should at least be 100% certain that he's not behaving this way through sheer cluelessness. For example, I know a couple where he doesn't want to be married after a bad divorce. They don't have children. She would have liked to be married. The compromise they came to is a very clear breakdown of finances and a structure that ensures they're both protected should the relationship end.

And he does presumably? And pension?
If he dies tomorro what do you have access to in your own and joint accounts?
How do you pay for your toiletries?
Is there joint account for bills and groceries and kids?

You need to set wills urgently and a savings buffer account for you in your name

If all his accounts are frozen eg death what can you access? Or he incapacitated eg accident?

Remind him you have provided childcare etc as agreed for x years. Needs to be recognised if he so loves you...