How do I (23f) navigate dating a man (30m) I don’t have physical attraction for?

[Enchilada39]

Matched with a guy whose values, personality, and emotional tone are everything I’m looking for long‑term. We’ve been talking for a week and Im really interested in pursuing it.
The issue: I dont find his pictures physically attractive at all. I’m terrified of disappointing him. Is it “leading him on” to pursue this? How do I navigate this?

Please be careful with responding whilst only reading an op. It’s moved on. The guy is very likely abusive looking for his prey.

Okay, I can do that. I can pull back, but I dont think he will stop texting. I dont think he gets women to talk to him often on the apps based on what he said. Im trying be safe (i know it doesnt seem like it), but i tend to attract the dangerous types and have always run. Which is why i dont have relationship experience. I just hoped this would be different….

Do you just not find him that attractive or do you find him unattractive? I could work with the first especially if they ticked every other box because I find attraction grows for me anyway but if I was totally unattracted then id have to hold out hope the right one was out there for me

Edit- didnt RTFT and I got to update number 3 but I had to come back - in this case, block run and dont look back!

Please read all the OP's posts before responding. The man is dangerous.

Why are you trying to convince yourself to like someone you don't fancy? I have lots of male friends who I have known for donkeys years, they have similar values to me and we get on great etc the reason I have never had anything with any of them is I just didn't fancy them (and they clearly didn't fancy me either). I married someone who had the same values etc as me that I instantly found attractive when he walked in the room. I'm in my 40's so I didn't meet my husband via a profile, I met him in real life and could tell instantly I want to know more about him. I really don't believe in forcing something because they are great in every other way. I was 21 when I met my husband, I thought nothing of rejecting someone I didn't fancy. You are 23, there's no rush to find someone.

Having read all your posts this dude doesn't sound great, I wouldn't meet him. You need to meet someone more organically, if religion is important to you, try to meet someone through a local religious group. It would be far safer given how naive you sound and how new to dating you are. There's no rush, take care of yourself.

Thank you, I was in the process of doing that. Sometimes it would be useful to have a bit more information in the OP especially when the updates change the entire tone of the thread

I can pull back, but I dont think he will stop texting

Then you block him, other immediately after saying no thanks, or after one more "really, not for me".

You don't owe him anything and you are allowed your own opinions, wishes and life.

Okay, I can do that. I can pull back, but I don't think he will stop texting
Why not? And this should seriously alarm you. He'd be heading into stalker territory.

I don't think he gets women to talk to him often on the apps based on what he said
He's lying. He's got several women on the go all the time, seeking a victim.

I'm trying be safe (I know it doesn't seem like it)
Please just block him completely. That's the only way you'll be safe.

................but I tend to attract the dangerous types and have always run
Right. So think about why that is, and run from this one
Fast.

You are only 23, and a very young 23 at that - there is nothing wrong with that.
You are far too inexperienced to be jumping into things like this with any men you don’t know. You don’t owe any man anything.
Forget about meeting someone from another state as well.
Forget about apps. You are too vulnerable.
Here’s a tried and tested measure - make more friends around your own age, female and male. If you follow a religion, go to a place of worship and mix there.
Find something, anything, you like to do, and do that.
Find somewhere that needs volunteers and give some of your time to others. You will meet people of all ages.
You need to build your self esteem and social confidence. To do that you need to mix with other human beings in real time where you live.
Forget about dating for a while and go and live a little.
Block this man. You owe him nothing, he sounds very strange and you know you don’t find him attractive.
Anyone can give ‘values’ they have online. Means nothing.
You need to mix with others to see their values in action. And along the way you will meet the right person.

Responded before reading all the updates, can't figure out how to delete my initial response about looks fading.

I don't understand why you'd even bother with someone you don't find attractive?

He seems lonely and sad? Sounds like a HIM problem. You are not a rehabilitation centre for broken men!

Especially when he's a love-bombing stalker who lives 500 miles away.

And he's probably 50.......

It is not your responsibility to text him just because no other woman will.
If you pull back, just say you need a bit of time to yourself to focus on x, y or z that has come up, you will see very quickly if he respects that. It is worrying that you already think he won’t stop texting. If you cannot say no to him a week in, when you have not even met, how are you going to say no once you do meet?
I mean, you do not find the man physically attractive, he is moving way too fast and he lives 10 hours away. So where is this going to go that makes you happy? It is already obligation and guilt for someone you don’t know.
And it’s okay to block him as others have said.

Why the fuck are you even thinking about pursuing about pursuing a relationship with someone you're not attracted to? It's literally the basis of a relationship.

You can't get a real impression from photos. Arrange a simple no-frills meet. Coffee in a park cafe, pub lunch, something like that. Present yourself well, but as you are IRL, not dolled up like a Christmas tree as if you're off to the BAFTAs. See how it goes. Maybe they're just shit pictures. If there's no spark, enjoy your coffee/lunch, then just say so nicely and leave it there. Simple.

I just feel bad though....…he seems lonely and sad, and we just have a lot in common
You have nothing in common.
He's just agreeing with all you say.
He isn't lonely or sad, either.
He's a conman, looking for a victim.

And he actually sounds like a good guy when I'm on the phone with him
I bet he does. He's had plenty of practice.

I know I sounds ridiculous when I say I feel committed, but somehow it feels like it
He's cleverly reeled you in.

I see…
I only just started online dating in December. I picked a safer religious app that is supposed to be monitored well. But yes I guess you are right. I should just stop before something awful happens…

You can't get a real impression from photos. Arrange a simple no-frills meet. Coffee in a park cafe, pub lunch, something like that

RTFT things are not as they seem.

And this prince among men lives 500 miles away, so arranging anything is going to be difficult.

I don’t think you can know you have something in common with someone after a week of chatting though. And that is not enough anyway, he needs to respect your autonomy and not steamroller over you as well. It is also usually good to be attracted to someone as well as you need to feel comfortable when you want to be intimate or have physical closeness generally.

As a 30 year old, if nobody has been nice to him or loved him by our age that means he’s most likely a weirdo and people don’t love him for a reason. He’s too old for you anyway imo.

It wont be the first or the last time.

There will be people you have to say no too throughout life. Lots of them will be bad eggs too. Sometimes you will feel bad about it. Sometimes they will be sad. But their feelings are their own.

You are not this man's therapist.

It's hard to let people down. But that doesn't mean we owe them to stay in contact if they aren't right for us. Let alone if they are nuts.

'I don't think he will stop texting'. Well he should. No means no. And respectful people accept that. They don't try to bulldoze you into staying in their life.

It's very important to not engage with him after you've told him it's done. Snakes use any window if opportunity to slither their way back in.

Just end it and block him. If be does find a way to contact you, you do not owe him any more replies.

I know its tough op. But in a way its ģood practice. Because its important to be able to say no. And to stand by our boundaries. And recognise when pur boundaries are being disrespected. Especially in dating.
You're going to have to say no a lot. And that's OK. Vital, infact.

Oh my, these dangerous, predatory men seek out women on Christian dating apps.

They go looking there on purpose, trying to find young, impressionable women with no experience.

It isn't the safe haven you imagine it to be.

Im starting to see that. I was just having a good time, and then all of a sudden I wasnt sure. He started saying things like “Im a big proponent of holding hands in public. I want you close and safe at all times.” And he sent his most recent pic where he is bald and looks much older even….idk. Thats why i decided to post here for suggestions.

Good. That was very sensible of you.

Don't forget that Dennis Rader was President of his church congregation in Wichita, and a Scout leader.

Dennis Rader - Wikipedia Link