How do I (23f) navigate dating a man (30m) I don’t have physical attraction for?

[Enchilada39]

Matched with a guy whose values, personality, and emotional tone are everything I’m looking for long‑term. We’ve been talking for a week and Im really interested in pursuing it.
The issue: I dont find his pictures physically attractive at all. I’m terrified of disappointing him. Is it “leading him on” to pursue this? How do I navigate this?

WTF

Just block him, sister!

Hi OP. It is perfectly usual and acceptable to meet someone who is nice, but not right for you. If you do not feel an attraction, then I would not proceed to meet. As an older mumsnetter my really strong advice to young women is be choosy. If you are looking for a life partner, life is a long time. There will be a man out there for you but make sure you are 100% before you move forward.

Block him and move on! He sounds weird. He's agreeing to everything you want in a man/family, and he already had you doubting yourself. Know your worth!!

If you are going to try online dating set your radius much smaller.
Also if you give away too much information some can use it to their advantage, like him agreeing with you about everything. You owe him approximately zero!

My DS is a year older than you he set his dating age pref a year each side of his own age as he wanted similar stage of life. This man isn’t a lot older than you but at this age worldly experience, money and everything can be quite unbalanced.

So
Many
Red
Flags

Please, please OP just forget about this dude. You are, by your own admission, an inexperienced 23 year old, and this man is bringing far too much baggage. You are already overthinking and stressing and you haven't even met. This is not a good start.
Take time to broaden your circle and activities in real life. Prioritize having fun over looking for a relationship.

I'm happily single now, but back in a long ago life I had to sort of 'force' myself to fancy a guy I met on a weekend away. He wasn't my type, but liked me so I made an effort to chat and see where it went. Flirted for a bit of fun, and gradually really started to like him. Our first date I was desperate for him to kiss me, total butterflies, and we really clicked and hit it off. The relationship grew, and he was the absolute love of my life. Looking back I still laugh that he was totally unfashionable, pigeon chested, ginger and a bit squishy in places, and I'm not much to look at but even so, his mates were stunned he pulled, because he totally wasn't the type to get Girls number. He's older now, bald and even more squishy, but I still get butterflies when I spy photos of him on social media. I wouldn't have thought it, but having been in your shoes there was real chemistry and we dates for about 4 years. He'll always be the one I'm sad things never turned out with.

Give it a go. You never know.

There will be a man out there for you but make sure you are 100% before you move forward.

Also make sure you're not ten hours away from each other............. no relationship is going to survive that.

He has surpassed intense and reached creepy as fuck. I guarantee you there is a reason no 30 year old women want him.

Every update you post makes me feel more uneasy. Definitely do not meet this man.

So he lives about 500 miles away from you?

Never going to work. How would you even pop out for a quick coffee?

No way.

10 hours is the equivalent of someone in Canterbury travelling to Inverness for a date. However desperate I was, I'd pass on that!

It could even mean crossing the Atlantic if we're talking about air travel.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I think you could be right…this might be dangerous. Fun fact: He repeatedly has mentioned that he thinks it would be fun to show me how to shoot, since he loves hunting. I dont how/when he wants to do that, but after what you all said, it sounds sketchy. He is bald already and generally looks “older” by his pics. Like i would have guessed he was 35 at minimum based on his pictures. But I like our conversations so its making this difficult

But I like our conversations so it's making this difficult

That's because he's carefully curating what he says to you, based on what you say to him.

He is bald already and generally looks “older” by his pics

Okay, so he's 50.

It’s getting serious and Im stressing

You. havent. met. him.
He is a stranger. He is not your beshert or anything close to it.

You dont owe him anything.

There are so many things wrong I kind of cant believe this is real....
Your updates are just like wtaf?

Do you have self esteem issues? We're you not academically inclined???
Are you desperate a man / any man?
Why would ypu pursue this?

Do yourself a favour.
Ask yourself how many people here think he sounds like a great catch...(hint: zero)
Then end it with him and go to a church mixer or whatever

10 hours away sounds like a lot of effort for someone you’re not even attracted to.
And the hunting, for me, would be a massive turn off. The bloodlust is disgusting. IMHO.

Oh, pet. Honestly, you don't have to feel bad. If the other girls genuinely ghosted him, then there is a reason for it. Or not...and he just encountered a normal online dating behaviour. Either way, you are not here to make up for other women. He makes you feel unsafe, he makes you feel guilty and he is not even anywhere near you. Just block and don't engage with this nonsense. He is a big boy (bigger than you thought, evidently), he'll just have to cope.

He's a bullshitter and a manipulator.
He's reflecting back to you what you've indicated is important to you.
Genuinely, disengage and move on before he completely takes over your head space.

Everything else aside, if Im not fully sure if I fancy someone from their pics but think it might be different in person for some reason and like the conversation then I usually try a date asap. If by the end of the date i still don't feel much attraction then I don't see them again. It's best not to waste our time or theirs.

I think we know whether or not something is a non starter pretty early and should trust our gut instead of dragging things out. I get that there are exceptions bit usually I find we know pretty early.

BUT If I 'dont' fancy someone in their pics (like, not even a "potentially") then that's a no.
No need to be meeting the 'no's' at all. They might be someone's else's yes. But they aren't yours.

Values and emotional tone (whatever that is) are hygiene factors - irrelevant without phwoooar...

I have only read your posts, but please put the brakes on and take care.
It would be better to meet someone close by you can have a coffee with and see how you get on. And take it slowly. You say you are new to dating and introverted but this man is pushing past any normal boundaries with talking of ‘us’ after a week and making suggestions of taking you shooting. He’s planning a whole future when you have never even met.
Honestly, it would be so much better to meet someone nice and gentle near you. Get to know them naturally.
This guy, it is easy to say online that you align with values, but you learn that by spending time, seeing how someone pays attention to your preferences in real life, and if they are kind and considerate. I am afraid this man might steam roller all over you. You sound so gentle and lovely.
You do not owe this man anything. You are allowed to say something like it was nice talking, thank you, but I am going to take some time to think a bit more about what I want. You should not be rushed into anything and this is what it sounds like.
Oh, and if you don’t find him attractive, then it’s fine to walk away. You are 23. You will meet someone who aligns with your values, is kind and gentle and wants to get to know you slowly and in person. This is your first foray into dating, this man is not the only option.

Just meet him assuming he’s not a nutter and see how you get on.

When I met Dh, he was probably the opposite of my type. I didn’t find him unattractive, but I didn’t find him as attractive as other guys I’d dated.

He was absolutely lovely though, we had so much to talk about, he was genuinely interested in me and a great guy with values and ambitions similar to mine. 18 years on, I find him very attractive now and he’s still lovely.

You've read her posts and presumed he's not a nutter?

Thank you DaffodilTuesday!
I just feel bad though…he seems lonely and sad, and we just have a lot in common. And he actually sounds like a good guy when im on the phone with him…idk it gets all jumbled in my head. I know i sounds ridiculous when I say I feel committed, but somehow it feels like it

Please believe us op. There’s nothing in it for us to lie. Many of the women responding have read this script before. You are naive, you have owned that which is fab. He has spotted it and is upping his game, because you are vulnerable. You don’t have to block him, just pull back. See how he responds.
if you’ve never dated anyone before, you are the equivalent of a 15 yr old (and I don’t mean that unkindly, I mean it factually) in terms of emotionally in regard to relationships with doey eyes excitement that a man is giving you his time. He knows this, he’s playing a game and it isn’t pretty.

I presume you haven't read all her posts, because not only is this bloke a nutter, he lives 500 miles away from her, so "just meeting him" would take a good deal of planning, and expose the OP to great risk. If she wanted to get away from him, she'd be ten hours away from home and safety.