How do I (23f) navigate dating a man (30m) I don’t have physical attraction for?

[Enchilada39]

Matched with a guy whose values, personality, and emotional tone are everything I’m looking for long‑term. We’ve been talking for a week and Im really interested in pursuing it.
The issue: I dont find his pictures physically attractive at all. I’m terrified of disappointing him. Is it “leading him on” to pursue this? How do I navigate this?

Don't meet him for coffee just to see. For whatever reason, he clearly thinks he is getting more than just coffee. He's talking like its already a done deal that you're going to marry him! I don't think its safe to get this guy to come from another state to meet you

I feel Ive messed up then… I havent given any indication that Im thinking of breaking it off. In fact, I told him I was still really interested last night. And I sent him a recent photo (a normal photo not anything weid) bc he wanted it… sigh…I don’t know how to manage this…I dont want to be a ghost. He said other girls did that to him

He lives in another state. He seems to be everything Ive been looking for…except looks

Another state? How far away is he in miles?
(In the UK another 'state' could be another county and 5 minutes away.)

I think you need to focus on meeting men in real life.
The internet is not the way to practise your already zero dating skills.
It's a false premise - you can't tell anything by talking online.
Men can tell you anything. They can use AI to give you the chat you want.

The whole point of being with someone is aligned values AND sexual attraction.

Even if he isn't good looking you may find him attractive 'enough' but you need to meet him.

If it doesn't work when you do meet, you simply tell him you aren't feeling it.

It's not your job to protect him from dates that don't lead to marriage- he's a grown up and will know that!

He's not a good thing if you don't t fancy him.

Flip it, would you like it if men who didn't fancy you, settled, for you? That wouldn't ve nuce right? So why would you do that to thrm?

You deserve to fancy the pants off your partner and vice versa.

If you don't fancy someone, they are not partner material.

As a Christian...God wants you to do right by yourself. Why would he want you to settle?

You're still a young lass , focus on a stable job or education and forming good solid friendships. The right man will come along in time. And you are more than enough.

I feel Ive messed up then… I havent given any indication that Im thinking of breaking it off. In fact, I told him I was still really interested last night. And I sent him a recent photo (a normal photo not anything weid) bc he wanted it… sigh…I don’t know how to manage this…

I don't get this- had he never seen a photo of you before ?

If you want to end it you just stop chatting to him.
Job done. Easy.

Block, move on and try to meet men in real life not online.

“told me all this stuff about he hasnt been loved before by a girl, and how i seem like the only nice person he has ever met.”

I’d see that as a MAJOR red flag and would forget about him based on that alone, because 1. It’s a weird to be sharing that level of intimate detail when you haven’t even met and it could be a sign he’s trying to manipulate you. Or equally as bad, if not worse, 2. If he’s not trying to manipulate you and is actually being honest - if he’s got to the age of 30 with no one ever loving him, and even worse, no one ever even being nice to him then there’s going to be something seriously wrong with him

You've not even met him yet. You're not in a relationship, there's nothing to break off. A simple "Sorry, this isn't for me" is all that's needed, and then don't reply to any follow ups.

Of course I know he might not like me, but he told me all this stuff about he hasnt been loved before by a girl, and how i seem like the only nice person he has ever met.

That's a load of nonsense.
He's trying to earn your pity.

Sorry to say this but you do sound incredibly young and inexperienced for a 23 year old.

Have you never dated anyone?

Of course I know he might not like me, but he told me all this stuff about he hasn't been loved before by a girl, and how I seem like the only nice person he has ever met

I bet he did.

He's a bad person @Enchilada39
You have almost no experience in dating. Everyone on this thread has said the same thing.

You're being love-bombed by a manipulative loser.

Block him.

Girl, you’re putting waaaaay too much pressure on this.

He is a complete stranger.

You can either meet up for a date and see how it goes. Or you can tell him you’re no longer interested. Why are you making this so complicated for yourself?

I know Im sorry. No never dated. I have a lot of social anxiety and a bit of past trauma stuff. I worked it out though, so Im just starting dating

Woah!
Forget about his looks. This guy is talking about marriage to you before you've even met. He's either love bombing you or he's extremely needy, both are huge red flags.

Kindly, 7 years isn't a huge gap for people in their 40s and 50s ...

But it is for a 23 year old and particularly for a 23 year old with limited relationship experience.

Things I'd be asking myself:

What does he get out of pursuing a woman so much less experienced than him?

Why the rush at 23 to find the one?

Is chemistry important? That quality that you discern in real life when you meet someone? Their smell, their face, the conversation, the feeling of standing close to them? (Not that I think you should meet this walking red flag of a man).

IMO strong attraction is vital! Source? Well I'm still with him 22 years later.

Okay, so how far away is this dude in miles?
You say he's in the next state. That could mean hundreds of miles away.

And that's why he said it. Because other girls have realised he's nuts and had to ghost.

He's trying to guilt you and make you feel "bad" for having to say no to him. That's wrong I him. And what abusive men do.

But this is easily handled my dear. Don't fret. You send him a message. "Hi John, so I've been thinking and I realise I don't want to pursue this further. Its been nice talking to you but you are a little too old for me and want more than I have to offer. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours, all the best -Jan".

Then block him on everything. Do NOT answer the phone to unknown numbers.

Read up on 'narcissistic hoovering' just incase ge tries any tactics.

Do not be convinced you owe him anything more like a phonecall or in person meet if he manages to contact you somehow. You do not.

Your SAFTEY us the most important thing.

You haven't messed up. Predators can trap anyone, especially before we know how to spot them. We live and learn.

Oh dear me, no!!!

There are some people out there who will pretend to have the same interests, values, hobbies everything as you, so as to make you feel that you have a huge amount in common. It is a tactic they use so that you then don't have any excuses to break up 'because you have so much in common'.

This one is too much. There's a reason you think it's weird. It is.

Idk how many miles, but about 10hr away

Oh god, don’t bother! What’s the point?

Meet him. Keep in mind some of the things he has described about himself and his values may not be true.

10 hours away! You must be nuts.

It sounds completely doomed, and weird, anyway.

Why are people suggesting the 23 year old OP meet this nutter she doesn't fancy and who thinks they're getting married?!

Meet him and then decide. Photos tell you very little

This whole thing is bizarre. You've messaged each other for a week. You owe each other nothing. Block and move on.
Or, go retro:

"Hi, it was nice getting to know you, but I don't think it's going to work out. It's not you, it's me. "

At least with him being far away be hard for him to turn into a full blown stalker.

Honestly posts like this make me so happy mumsnet exists. Shudder to think how this could have ended up if you hadn't reached out for help.

Good on you. I think you knew something was up with how stressed you were. Or, your body did but you weren't sure how to interpret it.

Just be careful and aware that your first thought seems to be "how do I change me to fix this". And that's potentially dangerous. Because often they are the issue.

Your light is god given, you never need to dim it for anyone else. The right person will see it. And sometimes, the wrong people too. That's why you need to be on your guard. Always be your own champion.

“Hi James, it’s been nice chatting with you but I’ve been thinking and have decided that a ten hour journey is too far to be manageable in a relationship. All the best.” Then block him.