A message out of the blue

[WhatTheHellsGoingOn]

NC’d.

I had a pretty weird experience yesterday evening.

Someone I deleted from my fb friends sent me a message in the morning, which I realised was a scam and not sent by her, then in the early evening I received a message request by a deleted ex BF.

This person dumped me over a decade and a half ago via voicemail (long distance relationship) then blocked me and deleted me from fb. I then got an email a few weeks later apologising for how he went about it etc, which I replied to, but he made no attempt to u-turn or rekindle the relationship, which was short, around 6 months.

Within a year or 2 I got random message requests on another platform which I would accept, then nothing. I felt like he wanted me to make the first move communication wise, which I was not prepared to do as I’d already accepted the requests, but then he’d do nothing. I suspected he was too cowardly to initiate conversation at the time in case I was angry, but who knows. He’d also done that weird poking thing on fb a couple of times, I can’t remember if he tried to request being friends again, like I say it was a long time ago.

A year or two after we split I noticed he’d put an ultrasound up as his profile picture on fb (back when that was a thing) and assumed he’d obviously happily moved on.

Anyway, no communication attempts for over 15 years. Then I received a message on fb today asking if I still have the same email address, saying he still had his and giving me his phone number and asking if we could talk on something other than fb. It was a short message but sounded like it may be urgent. I wasn’t sure if it was another scam but after speaking with a friend and wondering whether this was a cry for help I said yes I was using the same email and he replied straight away asking me to check my messages.

He’d written me an email a few hours earlier apologising for how he’d ended things and said that he’d written this message a hundred time over the last x amount of years etc. That he wanted to make sure I was ok and when you care about someone, that’s important. I mean ?

He said he just wanted to make sure I was ok and gave me his number again.

I’ve had messages by ppl who have dumped me before, (admittedly not almost 20 years after the event!) but this was seriously weird. I was going to ignore, but then I thought maybe it was one of several scenarios -
he had an STI he’d been told he needed to inform his exes about (I know this was unlikely and it hadn’t affected me),
he was newly single and looking up ppl from his past,
he had a daughter who was being treated shittily by a bf which had finally made him reflect and feel ashamed,
he or a close relative was dying or seriously ill and he wanted to make peace with events from his past,
or, as my friend suggested, he was drunk or high. But he’d first emailed at half 5 in the afternoon.

I also thought maybe he was suffering from MH issues and was at risk of self harm or suicide so I responded by text message to ask if something had happened. He’d suggested text or WhatsApp and I didn’t want him knowing when I was online etc so text seemed the better option.

He messaged straight away again, thanking me for responding. He then sent me a series of short messages saying he must have drafted the email a hundred times over the last x amount of years, he knew it seemed sudden to me but it wasn’t for him. He then asked me for ten minutes of my time - THIS WEEKEND! He asked if I still lived in the same place I did when we were going out and that he was available Saturday evening or the whole of Sunday.

He said he’d really appreciate 10 minutes to explain and afterwards I could walk away, yell at him etc. anything. But he said he’d waited 15+ years, he couldn’t wait another weekend and he didn’t want to say it over text.

I didn’t reply and 20 minutes later he sent a longer message asking me to pick a spot I’d feel comfortable and saying that if I’m in another country he’d buy a plane ticket, on another planet he’d build a rocket, that he’s dying to speak to me for ten minutes anywhere.

He signed off saying he’d buy me a coffee, a three course meal or the whole damn cafe. Wherever and however I wish.

I mean WTAF?

It’s all about him isn’t it? Tell him no thank you you’re not interested, then block him. Or just block him, you owe him nothing.

This guy is obviously a creep, totally obsessed with himself, yet you seem just as interested in him as he is. I feel sorry for your partner tbh

No way this thread would be so polite if the story was about your man being contacted by his ex

Tell him you barely remember him, that you’re in a happy committed relationship and he needs to leave you alone as its inappropriate and disrespectful to your partner .

He’s desperate to move in with you. My bet is on accommodation issues, which are common after a separation, and would explain the urgency and drama of his texts.

I think it would if it was the same pitiful tone of regret and how it had (apparently) blighted her life so that 15 years later she was unable to emotionally move on. I’m under no illusion that he has a very selective memory and he’s attempting to pull on my heart strings, but he appears to be a rather sad and pathetic creature, not suggesting we meet up for ‘Netflix and chill’ or sending me unsolicited dick pics.

Which has happened by other exes in the past!

Have you sent him the message you were planning to send - that you're in an LTR with someone else, acknowledging his apology and asking him not to contact you again? Because otherwise you're just feeding this, and if you want to help him, that's not the way to do it.

So basically his last relationship didn’t work out and now he’s on the rebound and thinking you are right where he left you. He’s not even considered maybe your life has moved on. To him it doesn’t matter who you are now because he’s living in the past rehashing the mess he made of his life and hanging on to a delusion that the mistake was ending your relationship. The fact he’s not even mentioned his children shows you the self centred man he really is.

I would block and delete normally but it almost feels stalker vibes and this could just make him go even further to get through to you.

Send him a short message telling him
you are in a happy LTR and have moved on and no longer see him in that way. Wish him well and then tell him out of respect for your partner you will block him.

I think this is far from unlikely, even if he’s convinced himself that we were love’s young dream. There’s definitely manipulation tactics going on but I also think he’s delusional with a very selective memory.

Moving to where I am (he doesn’t know where I am) would only be a very last option I think as he always loved where he lives and has been in his job (which he also loves) almost two decades so I imagine it would take a lot to uproot him tbh

I ignored him yesterday, expecting him to take the massive hint that I was not responding and therefore not in the least bit interested. He’s gone on to pour his heart out despite this.

Thanks, I agree this is probably the way to go

But why do you care? The whole thread has been about how you desperately seek to understand the motivations, wondering about his emotions, even talking about whether he'd move near you. Like wtaf?!

You know he's not worth your time / energy, why is your own partner (let alone your own sanity) worth even less...

^This. If you’ve ruled out STIs then you really need to be honest with yourself about why you’re giving attention to him.

OP sounds pretty dispassionate about it all to me. Any one of us would wonder what had suddenly happened if this popped up with us but she's not overly invested and hasn't been responding much ar all. And now she knows, not having asked, she's shutting it down.

I’m not desperately seeking to understand and I’ve shown my partner all the messages. He’s as non-plused as I am but it isn’t bothering him in the least. This all kicked off Thursday night, less than 48hrs ago. I cared about this person years before we got together when I was younger and it was an intense but short relationship which threw me when it ended. I never agreed with his reasons for ending it and was more sad bc I knew there was no way of going back and suspected he wasn’t taking this on board. It turns out I was right and he even mentioned that he wanted to take it back instantly. Whether this is true or not I don’t know, but I’m human and it’s bound to rattle me. I’m not dwelling on this person weeks or months after he’s made contact, it’s not even been a day and a half. I’m entitled to process stuff.

Of course you are, fair enough and sorry if I was being harsh. However, because your partner says they're not bothered doesn't mean they're not thinking about it (now or some time in the future). People have long memories as you say.

Good luck OP

Thanks. I do understand this and am being mindful of his feelings. I don’t want to cause him any upset but didn’t want to hide anything from him. He actually told me yesterday that he wouldn’t have minded me meeting up with him to find out what was behind all this. I assured him that’s not what I wanted to do. I really appreciate that he can look at things objectively, but he is not an emotional type of person. Unlike this ex!

I agree with this.

Everyone can see that he is a creep nudging boundary after boundary but you likely continually responding is because you are fantasising and hoping to hear something magical about yourself - the special one who got away etc. He probs will deliver on that just to nudge into your knickers.

I think your concern for his MH is a wrong headed (assuming you are not a psychiatrist) and is a fig leaf to get your own needs met. You say he was ‘self absorbed’ this is probs some diagnosed or undiagnosed MH issue by now.

Look closer at your existing relationship and work on growth there.

Tell him you wish him well and that you want no futher contact, his explanation to date has been sufficient and then remove him from all contact points.

Step away.

What @OchreRaven said 100%

He doesn't have social media because he wants to mess around without anyone knowing he has children (but you already know) or is still in a relationship. And he still believes you have been hung up on him! No mention of your life. Completely self-absorbed. He will keep pestering you.

Use one of those messages suggested to say "don't be so hard on yourself. You have already apologised for your behaviour and you did me a favour leaving. I realised we were not meant for each other and I am now with my very long time DP. I couldn't be happier".

I have not kept on responding. My responses to his initial message has been ‘yes’ (it’s still my email), ‘has something happened?’ and ‘what’s wrong?’ That was 10pm Thursday night.

That is all

Of course this is bound to rattle you. That's what he wants. His ego is too big. Don't give him the pleasure of believing that you care about him. He made it clear it is about his supposed "feelings" so wants you back in his life. No reason to meet.

OK, so you are not single OP?

In that case, surely its a no-brainer

He obviously has romantic intent in this, maybe he genuinely bitterly regrets dumping you retrospectively and you are the one that got away - or maybe its just a shag.

But, you indicate you are not single, so surely its an easy, no sorry, best of luck to you, take care...

It’s natural for the OP to be interested in what is going on in the life of someone she once was in an intimate relationship with. When relationships end, some people do have an off switch regarding their interest or care in their now ex. Other don’t, which doesn’t reflect anything close to disloyalty to subsequent partners. I think those with an off switch can struggle to understand this.

Whatever is going on for this ex, it really isn’t about the OP. The OP that the ex has in mind is one of his imaginings. To start with, when they were in a relationship, he only knew the parts of OP that she shared and that he noticed. Overtime, the OP will have changed considerably, in line with her life experiences. His imaginings are probably a long way off reality. They likely reflect his idea of the perfect partner - heaven knows what that looks like!

This is it exactly.

There are ppl on here who are saying he’s a total arsehole and not worth any consideration and why should I care what happens to him - I can see their point, but I still don’t want something bad to happen to him. He wasn’t evil. In the same way someone who tries to help a random stranger standing on the ledge of a bridge and talk them down, I couldn’t just ignore him when there was obviously something wrong from his first messages. And he’s not even a stranger to me in that I very much cared about him once. You’re right that some ppl are able to just switch off feelings and move on. Others absorb things and it’s not as easy as turning off a switch or thinking about something else.

By the same token we are strangers now. So much has happened to me since we were together I’m no longer the same person and I’m sure he isn’t either. We’ve both grown in different ways. It’s good he’s grown up enough to acknowledge his mistakes and take some accountability. At least that’s a positive. Thank you x

Given your thoughts, which are reasonable, maybe you could meet him half way and just have a quick catch up on the phone - that way you can be kind, make sure he's ok, but at the same time explain your situation is now much changed and life has moved on, wish him well etc.