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Original poster

A message out of the blue

270 replies

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 30/01/2026 05:07

NC’d.

I had a pretty weird experience yesterday evening.

Someone I deleted from my fb friends sent me a message in the morning, which I realised was a scam and not sent by her, then in the early evening I received a message request by a deleted ex BF.

This person dumped me over a decade and a half ago via voicemail (long distance relationship) then blocked me and deleted me from fb. I then got an email a few weeks later apologising for how he went about it etc, which I replied to, but he made no attempt to u-turn or rekindle the relationship, which was short, around 6 months.

Within a year or 2 I got random message requests on another platform which I would accept, then nothing. I felt like he wanted me to make the first move communication wise, which I was not prepared to do as I’d already accepted the requests, but then he’d do nothing. I suspected he was too cowardly to initiate conversation at the time in case I was angry, but who knows. He’d also done that weird poking thing on fb a couple of times, I can’t remember if he tried to request being friends again, like I say it was a long time ago.

A year or two after we split I noticed he’d put an ultrasound up as his profile picture on fb (back when that was a thing) and assumed he’d obviously happily moved on.

Anyway, no communication attempts for over 15 years. Then I received a message on fb today asking if I still have the same email address, saying he still had his and giving me his phone number and asking if we could talk on something other than fb. It was a short message but sounded like it may be urgent. I wasn’t sure if it was another scam but after speaking with a friend and wondering whether this was a cry for help I said yes I was using the same email and he replied straight away asking me to check my messages.

He’d written me an email a few hours earlier apologising for how he’d ended things and said that he’d written this message a hundred time over the last x amount of years etc. That he wanted to make sure I was ok and when you care about someone, that’s important. I mean ?

He said he just wanted to make sure I was ok and gave me his number again.

I’ve had messages by ppl who have dumped me before, (admittedly not almost 20 years after the event!) but this was seriously weird. I was going to ignore, but then I thought maybe it was one of several scenarios -
he had an STI he’d been told he needed to inform his exes about (I know this was unlikely and it hadn’t affected me),
he was newly single and looking up ppl from his past,
he had a daughter who was being treated shittily by a bf which had finally made him reflect and feel ashamed,
he or a close relative was dying or seriously ill and he wanted to make peace with events from his past,
or, as my friend suggested, he was drunk or high. But he’d first emailed at half 5 in the afternoon.

I also thought maybe he was suffering from MH issues and was at risk of self harm or suicide so I responded by text message to ask if something had happened. He’d suggested text or WhatsApp and I didn’t want him knowing when I was online etc so text seemed the better option.

He messaged straight away again, thanking me for responding. He then sent me a series of short messages saying he must have drafted the email a hundred times over the last x amount of years, he knew it seemed sudden to me but it wasn’t for him. He then asked me for ten minutes of my time - THIS WEEKEND! He asked if I still lived in the same place I did when we were going out and that he was available Saturday evening or the whole of Sunday.

He said he’d really appreciate 10 minutes to explain and afterwards I could walk away, yell at him etc. anything. But he said he’d waited 15+ years, he couldn’t wait another weekend and he didn’t want to say it over text.

I didn’t reply and 20 minutes later he sent a longer message asking me to pick a spot I’d feel comfortable and saying that if I’m in another country he’d buy a plane ticket, on another planet he’d build a rocket, that he’s dying to speak to me for ten minutes anywhere.

He signed off saying he’d buy me a coffee, a three course meal or the whole damn cafe. Wherever and however I wish.

I mean WTAF?

OP posts:
CheeseSconeGirl · 30/01/2026 10:16

JustAnotherWhinger · 30/01/2026 10:06

If that was the case, and he was genuine, he wouldn't be so pushy.

Making amends involves having respect for the person - pushing from message to email, to text, badgering the Op for the famous 10 minutes is all about him, not about atoning for anything.

Show quote history

💯 % this

It shows he hasn't changed at all.
Its called being a Dry Drunk , has stopped the substances but the selfish, self serving Narc behaviour continues

mistymorninglight · 30/01/2026 10:17

TheMoanerLisa · 30/01/2026 09:55

It is very important part of th programme in taking accountabiliy for past actions.

Step 8: Made a list of persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

He has shown his willingness to do this by reaching out to the OP.

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

The programme doesn't expect anybody else to play a role or react in a certain way, hence the part of step in bold.

He may have to accept that the OP does not want to engage, if that is the case.

Show quote history

It is, However, the programme does NOT tell people to be pushy, pestering or super mysterious to the point a woman might be concerned about her safety.

If someone does not want to engage they dont tell you to keep on pushing and pushing until they say yes. That's the complete opposite of making amends.

AdaDex · 30/01/2026 10:19

NigellaWannabe1 · 30/01/2026 07:27

OP, he wants something. Not a shag necessarily but I’m guessing he’s lonely or has MH issues like other suggested, or whatever. Seeing an ex from years ago can add a bit of excitement to a shitty life so maybe he just wants a bit of entertainment.

A cautionary tale. Years ago met up with an ex I hadn’t seen for 15 years. I was in his city for a work trip and it was just a “let’s grab a drink together and catch up” kind of thing. I was in a happy place, it didn’t feel like a big deal.

Seeing him hit me like a train and I was totally unprepared for that. At the time, I was in the throes of child rearing (3 young kids/full-time work). Seeing this man (who hadn’t even aged well!) took me right back to the time I was young and carefree, and to the lazy afternoons spent in bed having sex. A whole world away from my reality. I didn’t understand my reaction bc I’m normally quite rational, but this felt like my body was responding for me.

He’s a lovely man, but wrong for me in all sorts of ways, and it took me months to get him out of my head (nothing happened). It really affected my peace and sense of happiness.

Don’t go there, especially if you have a partner. You stand to gain nothing. Don’t tell yourself he’s in need, because even if it was true, why does it have to be you the one to rescue him?

Edited

I had a similar experience. We met after about 10yrs of no contact. We had a couple of drinks one afternoon. I enjoyed it but the spark was gone.

As we said goodbye, he unexpectedly kissed me. I don't know what happened in my body but the old feelings rushed back in an instant.

For various reasons we never met again but it took a long time to get over it. I regret meeting up with him. I'd been through the pain of losing him once before and went through it again.

A few years after that I was thinking about him. Although I'd always thought he was the one, I knew that if he ever came back I'd have to say no. Upon hearing this, the universe kindly got him to message me out of the blue the very next day. I declined the offer to meet.

No man was worth the tears of losing him three times. I miss him and I always will.😢

treesandsun · 30/01/2026 10:20

I would really really want to know what he thought was so urgent that he simply had to tell you in person but I wouldn't be meeting him. You just know that 10 minutes is going to be much much longer. I'd say I haven't got the inclination to meet but If it's something you really urgently feel that you need to say that you haven't already said then just email it me - But to reassure you I got over you a couple of weeks after we split and that was 20 years ago.

watchingthishtread · 30/01/2026 10:21

The just needing 10 mins makes me wonder if he's in a pyramid scheme. They always encourage people to pull on any contacts they ever had. Whatever bullshit he's selling, you're not buying.

YourKonstantine · 30/01/2026 10:27

Honestly I’d just say ‘it’s cute you care, but I am really really over it, it was a long time ago. All the best’ and block.

bigboykitty · 30/01/2026 10:30

I wouldn't tell him you're in a long term relationship @WhatTheHellsGoingOn . He'll interpret that as you would meet him if you were single. Just tell him there's no hard feelings at all and no need to meet up.

Princessoflitchenstein · 30/01/2026 10:43

Email him and keep it simple

We no longer have a relationship or a friendship. I’m in a long term happy relationship but even if I wasn’t -I wouldn’t want a relationship or friendship with you - again, those moments have completed passed. I wish you peace and that you concentrate on yourself and don’t contact me again. Apologies you said long ago have been accepted - please respect my boundaries now and leave me in peace.

Friendlygingercat · 30/01/2026 10:46

I am old and probably nearing the end of my life. Ive been trying to reconnect with people from my past by text/email just to find out how it went with them. But I dont think I would wish to get involved with a physical meet up.

In your case I would suggest a phone call but nothing physical (meeting) and then take if from there.

Shedeboodinia · 30/01/2026 10:47

Delete, block and report. I think this is all too weird.

Mauvish1 · 30/01/2026 10:49

Not read the full thread.

An ex contacted me on FB a couple of years ago. This was someone with whom I'd had a significant relationship for a few years but we'd had no contact for nearly 40 years!

I did a bit of poking around and discovered that he was once again single, no children; but both his parents and his only sibling had died in fairly short succession.

So he was alone, and told me he was no longer working due to ill health, so I imagine he was quite socially isolated too.

I can understand someone in that position looking back to happier times and wanting to make contact with old flames and friends. But what would be the point? Our paths diverged many years ago (that's why we split up) and I had nothing to offer him. So I turned him down gently. Unlike the OPs ex though, mine was respectful enough not to contact me again. I hope he's ok, but I'm not going to try to find out.

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 30/01/2026 10:51

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 30/01/2026 06:37

I can see why you’d think that but I feel nothing for him romantically, I’ve been in a relationship for almost the duration I split from this guy and I told him about the messages. He knows I’m not interested, if anything I felt pissed off and cringed when I read them, but I did feel strongly about him at the time and I never thought I’d hear from him again, so I’m wondering why not only has he reached out now, but in such an intense and urgent way.

Most ppl would drop a casual ‘hey, how you doing?’ type of message, but it sounds like he’s desperate to meet me in an extreme way, which is odd, and the fact he’s suggesting this weekend is mad. If he’d written at 2am it would make more sense, or around Xmas or NYE.

He’s not asked if I’m single so if he is after a shag it would be a wasted very long journey. It’s just weird and I was after peoples thoughts.

Show quote history

Mate, they don't care if you're single or not when they're looking for a shag.

WildLeader · 30/01/2026 10:54

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 30/01/2026 05:51

I think you’re right, or it’s some kind of midlife crisis

Either way, after 6m, neither is your problem

this has gigantic mistake written ALL over it.

WildLeader · 30/01/2026 10:55

“I don’t think meeting up is a good idea, let’s leave it. I wish you well”

Dgll · 30/01/2026 11:00

A few of my exes have contacted me. I always assume they're going through a dry patch and reaching out to someone who was once willing to have sex with them.

Your guy sounds a bit more pushy. Short of money? Having a breakdown? I would definitely stop contact. He had his opportunity and, like you say, you don't owe him anything.

MayaPinion · 30/01/2026 11:01

Someone I dated 30 years ago and hadn’t heard from since messaged me a few months ago. I deleted it. What good could come from it? I love my partner and wouldn’t consider a single thing that would jeopardise that - and that includes opening the door to men who are getting in contact for their benefit, not yours. A genuine, stand up, man would respect your relationship and leave you alone.

Kate8889 · 30/01/2026 11:07

" Hi Ex,

If it's something that I really urgently need to know, please just send a voice message or email and I'll look at it when I can. I wish you the best and have moved on with my life.

Cheers"

VioletandMauve · 30/01/2026 11:07

Good grief I think you’re reading far too much into this and probably enjoying the attention from him which is understandable. You know nothing about him now and are making potentially false scenarios. Either arrange to meet him and have done with it or block and ignore.

apeaceful2026 · 30/01/2026 11:09

It seems like life hasn't turned out how he wanted and he's desperate to go back to a time when the future felt full.of more possibilities than it does now.

Nicaveron · 30/01/2026 11:12

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 30/01/2026 05:07

NC’d.

I had a pretty weird experience yesterday evening.

Someone I deleted from my fb friends sent me a message in the morning, which I realised was a scam and not sent by her, then in the early evening I received a message request by a deleted ex BF.

This person dumped me over a decade and a half ago via voicemail (long distance relationship) then blocked me and deleted me from fb. I then got an email a few weeks later apologising for how he went about it etc, which I replied to, but he made no attempt to u-turn or rekindle the relationship, which was short, around 6 months.

Within a year or 2 I got random message requests on another platform which I would accept, then nothing. I felt like he wanted me to make the first move communication wise, which I was not prepared to do as I’d already accepted the requests, but then he’d do nothing. I suspected he was too cowardly to initiate conversation at the time in case I was angry, but who knows. He’d also done that weird poking thing on fb a couple of times, I can’t remember if he tried to request being friends again, like I say it was a long time ago.

A year or two after we split I noticed he’d put an ultrasound up as his profile picture on fb (back when that was a thing) and assumed he’d obviously happily moved on.

Anyway, no communication attempts for over 15 years. Then I received a message on fb today asking if I still have the same email address, saying he still had his and giving me his phone number and asking if we could talk on something other than fb. It was a short message but sounded like it may be urgent. I wasn’t sure if it was another scam but after speaking with a friend and wondering whether this was a cry for help I said yes I was using the same email and he replied straight away asking me to check my messages.

He’d written me an email a few hours earlier apologising for how he’d ended things and said that he’d written this message a hundred time over the last x amount of years etc. That he wanted to make sure I was ok and when you care about someone, that’s important. I mean ?

He said he just wanted to make sure I was ok and gave me his number again.

I’ve had messages by ppl who have dumped me before, (admittedly not almost 20 years after the event!) but this was seriously weird. I was going to ignore, but then I thought maybe it was one of several scenarios -
he had an STI he’d been told he needed to inform his exes about (I know this was unlikely and it hadn’t affected me),
he was newly single and looking up ppl from his past,
he had a daughter who was being treated shittily by a bf which had finally made him reflect and feel ashamed,
he or a close relative was dying or seriously ill and he wanted to make peace with events from his past,
or, as my friend suggested, he was drunk or high. But he’d first emailed at half 5 in the afternoon.

I also thought maybe he was suffering from MH issues and was at risk of self harm or suicide so I responded by text message to ask if something had happened. He’d suggested text or WhatsApp and I didn’t want him knowing when I was online etc so text seemed the better option.

He messaged straight away again, thanking me for responding. He then sent me a series of short messages saying he must have drafted the email a hundred times over the last x amount of years, he knew it seemed sudden to me but it wasn’t for him. He then asked me for ten minutes of my time - THIS WEEKEND! He asked if I still lived in the same place I did when we were going out and that he was available Saturday evening or the whole of Sunday.

He said he’d really appreciate 10 minutes to explain and afterwards I could walk away, yell at him etc. anything. But he said he’d waited 15+ years, he couldn’t wait another weekend and he didn’t want to say it over text.

I didn’t reply and 20 minutes later he sent a longer message asking me to pick a spot I’d feel comfortable and saying that if I’m in another country he’d buy a plane ticket, on another planet he’d build a rocket, that he’s dying to speak to me for ten minutes anywhere.

He signed off saying he’d buy me a coffee, a three course meal or the whole damn cafe. Wherever and however I wish.

I mean WTAF?

I think I would meet him. Somewhere safe like a coffee shop. I’d be concerned that something in his life has triggered this and he needs to make amends. Maybe he’s had a health scare and feels he must put his house in order.
only you can decide this.

katepilar · 30/01/2026 11:13

One email with apology is enough and he should not harrass you further. I would ignore as hard as it may feel.

Jenkibuble · 30/01/2026 11:17

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 30/01/2026 05:07

NC’d.

I had a pretty weird experience yesterday evening.

Someone I deleted from my fb friends sent me a message in the morning, which I realised was a scam and not sent by her, then in the early evening I received a message request by a deleted ex BF.

This person dumped me over a decade and a half ago via voicemail (long distance relationship) then blocked me and deleted me from fb. I then got an email a few weeks later apologising for how he went about it etc, which I replied to, but he made no attempt to u-turn or rekindle the relationship, which was short, around 6 months.

Within a year or 2 I got random message requests on another platform which I would accept, then nothing. I felt like he wanted me to make the first move communication wise, which I was not prepared to do as I’d already accepted the requests, but then he’d do nothing. I suspected he was too cowardly to initiate conversation at the time in case I was angry, but who knows. He’d also done that weird poking thing on fb a couple of times, I can’t remember if he tried to request being friends again, like I say it was a long time ago.

A year or two after we split I noticed he’d put an ultrasound up as his profile picture on fb (back when that was a thing) and assumed he’d obviously happily moved on.

Anyway, no communication attempts for over 15 years. Then I received a message on fb today asking if I still have the same email address, saying he still had his and giving me his phone number and asking if we could talk on something other than fb. It was a short message but sounded like it may be urgent. I wasn’t sure if it was another scam but after speaking with a friend and wondering whether this was a cry for help I said yes I was using the same email and he replied straight away asking me to check my messages.

He’d written me an email a few hours earlier apologising for how he’d ended things and said that he’d written this message a hundred time over the last x amount of years etc. That he wanted to make sure I was ok and when you care about someone, that’s important. I mean ?

He said he just wanted to make sure I was ok and gave me his number again.

I’ve had messages by ppl who have dumped me before, (admittedly not almost 20 years after the event!) but this was seriously weird. I was going to ignore, but then I thought maybe it was one of several scenarios -
he had an STI he’d been told he needed to inform his exes about (I know this was unlikely and it hadn’t affected me),
he was newly single and looking up ppl from his past,
he had a daughter who was being treated shittily by a bf which had finally made him reflect and feel ashamed,
he or a close relative was dying or seriously ill and he wanted to make peace with events from his past,
or, as my friend suggested, he was drunk or high. But he’d first emailed at half 5 in the afternoon.

I also thought maybe he was suffering from MH issues and was at risk of self harm or suicide so I responded by text message to ask if something had happened. He’d suggested text or WhatsApp and I didn’t want him knowing when I was online etc so text seemed the better option.

He messaged straight away again, thanking me for responding. He then sent me a series of short messages saying he must have drafted the email a hundred times over the last x amount of years, he knew it seemed sudden to me but it wasn’t for him. He then asked me for ten minutes of my time - THIS WEEKEND! He asked if I still lived in the same place I did when we were going out and that he was available Saturday evening or the whole of Sunday.

He said he’d really appreciate 10 minutes to explain and afterwards I could walk away, yell at him etc. anything. But he said he’d waited 15+ years, he couldn’t wait another weekend and he didn’t want to say it over text.

I didn’t reply and 20 minutes later he sent a longer message asking me to pick a spot I’d feel comfortable and saying that if I’m in another country he’d buy a plane ticket, on another planet he’d build a rocket, that he’s dying to speak to me for ten minutes anywhere.

He signed off saying he’d buy me a coffee, a three course meal or the whole damn cafe. Wherever and however I wish.

I mean WTAF?

FWIW I think you should block him. First, give him Samaritans and other MH support details. Well done for potentially identifying suicidal ideation etc.

mmmarmalade · 30/01/2026 11:18

Why can't you just say "If you've got something to say - just say it."

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 30/01/2026 11:24

Well it’s obvious he thinks you’re the ‘one that got away’. I wouldn’t encourage it or say you are happy to meet but you’ll bring your partner with you.

chocorabbit · 30/01/2026 11:29

He didn't even ask about you? Or if you are single? And he also said he spent ages or years rewriting his message to you. Poor man! All about him.

Like others have already suggested turn this around and tell him that there is no need to apologise for his appaling behaviour as he's already apologised and you have moved on. "Oops, time to go as DH/P has booked a table.".

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