A message out of the blue

[WhatTheHellsGoingOn]

NC’d.

I had a pretty weird experience yesterday evening.

Someone I deleted from my fb friends sent me a message in the morning, which I realised was a scam and not sent by her, then in the early evening I received a message request by a deleted ex BF.

This person dumped me over a decade and a half ago via voicemail (long distance relationship) then blocked me and deleted me from fb. I then got an email a few weeks later apologising for how he went about it etc, which I replied to, but he made no attempt to u-turn or rekindle the relationship, which was short, around 6 months.

Within a year or 2 I got random message requests on another platform which I would accept, then nothing. I felt like he wanted me to make the first move communication wise, which I was not prepared to do as I’d already accepted the requests, but then he’d do nothing. I suspected he was too cowardly to initiate conversation at the time in case I was angry, but who knows. He’d also done that weird poking thing on fb a couple of times, I can’t remember if he tried to request being friends again, like I say it was a long time ago.

A year or two after we split I noticed he’d put an ultrasound up as his profile picture on fb (back when that was a thing) and assumed he’d obviously happily moved on.

Anyway, no communication attempts for over 15 years. Then I received a message on fb today asking if I still have the same email address, saying he still had his and giving me his phone number and asking if we could talk on something other than fb. It was a short message but sounded like it may be urgent. I wasn’t sure if it was another scam but after speaking with a friend and wondering whether this was a cry for help I said yes I was using the same email and he replied straight away asking me to check my messages.

He’d written me an email a few hours earlier apologising for how he’d ended things and said that he’d written this message a hundred time over the last x amount of years etc. That he wanted to make sure I was ok and when you care about someone, that’s important. I mean ?

He said he just wanted to make sure I was ok and gave me his number again.

I’ve had messages by ppl who have dumped me before, (admittedly not almost 20 years after the event!) but this was seriously weird. I was going to ignore, but then I thought maybe it was one of several scenarios -
he had an STI he’d been told he needed to inform his exes about (I know this was unlikely and it hadn’t affected me),
he was newly single and looking up ppl from his past,
he had a daughter who was being treated shittily by a bf which had finally made him reflect and feel ashamed,
he or a close relative was dying or seriously ill and he wanted to make peace with events from his past,
or, as my friend suggested, he was drunk or high. But he’d first emailed at half 5 in the afternoon.

I also thought maybe he was suffering from MH issues and was at risk of self harm or suicide so I responded by text message to ask if something had happened. He’d suggested text or WhatsApp and I didn’t want him knowing when I was online etc so text seemed the better option.

He messaged straight away again, thanking me for responding. He then sent me a series of short messages saying he must have drafted the email a hundred times over the last x amount of years, he knew it seemed sudden to me but it wasn’t for him. He then asked me for ten minutes of my time - THIS WEEKEND! He asked if I still lived in the same place I did when we were going out and that he was available Saturday evening or the whole of Sunday.

He said he’d really appreciate 10 minutes to explain and afterwards I could walk away, yell at him etc. anything. But he said he’d waited 15+ years, he couldn’t wait another weekend and he didn’t want to say it over text.

I didn’t reply and 20 minutes later he sent a longer message asking me to pick a spot I’d feel comfortable and saying that if I’m in another country he’d buy a plane ticket, on another planet he’d build a rocket, that he’s dying to speak to me for ten minutes anywhere.

He signed off saying he’d buy me a coffee, a three course meal or the whole damn cafe. Wherever and however I wish.

I mean WTAF?

Yes, he's clearly not taking the hint, so the kindest, and most supportive, thing to do here would be to tell him your situation, to wish him the best, and to say goodbye.

Thanks. I drafted a brief message last night on my phone when I’d read his text. I think given the tone of his latest message, he’s not psychotic, he’s just in a sad and lonely place and I think he may be in therapy. He’s possibly been advised to reach out to get it out of his system, which I understand, but who knows. I could just leave his messages unanswered, but it feels a bit cruel given how honest and open he’s been with his emotions. If I do reply I’ll make it clear that there’s no chance of meeting up or anything else but will try to clear a few things up so he can understand the reality but hopefully be at peace with it. I’m in no way going to gloss over things or be his therapist, but there’s no point rubbing his face in it now, particularly when he sounds like he’s struggling and a bit broken.

I’ve got a busy wknd ahead now tho so I’m not going to give it any more headspace until tomoro evening at the earliest.

Thank you again everybody for your thoughts and understanding x

That sounds pragmatic and fair - you may be right that he's in some kind of therapy, and as you bear him no ill will fair enough to say "no hard feelings, nothing to worry about".

Its sad that so long after the event it's still taking up his headspace.

He's saying that none of his relationships have worked out because of his attachment to you, but your relationship didn't work out either because of him.

So it's safe to say the common dominator in his relationships ending isn't you, but himself.

He's looping back on himself instead of facing his attachment issues.

I'm glad you've moved on OP and I hope he leaves you alone and you can put this to bed.

He’s got you in his groomy web - you said yesterday you hoped he would get the hint from your silence …. but instead he has upped the ante and you’ve fallen straight into the trap.

But sounds like you like all the drama and intrigued. But you will get burned - it’s always self-serving with these types.

There is nothing from you and his past life that will improve his current MH situation. He needs to look into himself and get professional support if he is unwell. You are not equipped.

Can I ask if he was a drinker / smoker etc as I am getting those morose alcoholic / addict vibes where they have run out of road and exhausted the generosity and patience of friends and family - so scratching around for sympathy elsewhere?

His therapist advised him to reach out to someone he dumped over voicemail 15 years ago? To get his feelings out? Like, that's what a therapist is there for.

Sorry, it's him trying to make his feelings your problem and any legit therapist would know that.

He's trying to suck you in. If you won't just block him, tell him you're in a relationship, have a nice life, then block. There is nothing good for you here.

I recommend you read Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie.

It’s obvious that you’re struggling between not wanting this ex in your life and feeling bound to respond to him in case he’s having some sort of crisis. As you and your current partner are able to be so open and mature with each other and it sounds like your partner is very accepting of past relationships, why not suggest to your ex (and to your partner, of course!) that you and your partner both meet up for a coffee with him? You could say you’ve told your partner all about it, and although he’d be fine with you meeting up with your ex alone, you would rather not, because you’ve moved on, are happy in a LTR, and it won’t serve any purpose for you. Mention that your partner is always pleased to meet up with old friends of yours and in fact is very easy to talk to, so might be able to be of some help if there is a problem. That will re-frame things on your terms, even if he takes you up on it, but will likely put him off altogether!

Stay alert and be safe always.

It's really clear from all your posts that you have never gotten over this man, despite what you say. If you were truly over him and in a happy, loving relationship you would have seen straight away what the majority of posters have seen, that he is manipulating you to get sex/relationship as he has failed in his other relationships. You aren't the lost love of his life, you are his fallback when his first, second, third...etc. choices have kicked him to the kerb. You are only entertaining all of his manipulative crap because you have always carried a bit of a torch and it is feeding your ego to think that you were so incredibly special to him (despite the reality that he dumped you, dismissed you and went through numerous other women that he must've at least, at the time, preferred to you). Sorry to seem harsh but you asked for our opinions. I could be totally wrong and you could be Kathy to his Heathcliff, but I suspect you're just the a woman he thinks he can fall back on because you're easy to manipulate.

I have no idea why people keep saying you clearly have not got over this guy. I don’t see that in any of your posts. Maybe as a previous poster said it’s the difference between a complete off switch or not.

I would have been curious, but given that he has told you what it’s about then I would avoid meeting him I think. Initially I thought maybe he was on a 12 step programme or making amends in some way - but it sounds rather as if he expects you to be his therapist for an afternoon. Fuck that.

Has he gone away now?

It's been over 15 years since they spoke and longer since he rather unceremoniously dumped her and went on to other relationships and to father two children. It's beyond an off switch, surely your common sense and emotional self preservation must kick in at some point and realise that it's much healthier for you to let someone go. And it's not about this man using her for therapy, he clearly wants to use her for sex/relationship now that he's on his own and scratching around for an easy target, he has said as much in his messages.

The mere fact that he thinks he can drop such a ridiculous message (I'll by a rocket or the whole cafe) and she'll come running after dumping her and crapping on her feelings over 15 years ago, shows what he really thinks of her. In his mind she's been dangling on a thread waiting for him all this time and pandering to him is just confirming this. She should of responded that she's always wanted to run a little cafe or bistro, so when he acquires the deeds of the one she wants she'll get back to him.

This man is clearly an egocentric chancer. Surely you can still have a pang of longing for someone you were once infatuated with but have emotional common sense to realise when you're being used.

One final thanks but no thanks message and then block, or just block

Nothing good will come from continuing to engage

If you feel like continuing, ask yourself why and to what end

She’s sent three more or less one word replies.

Thank you. He hasn’t gone away now no but he’s sounding far less of a psycho, not to be politically incorrect. His language was very odd in the first few messages, but without being too outing (not that it makes any difference really) he and I were on a uni course that was for ‘artistic types’, so while a bit weird to most ppl it’s not that weird given his background and the fact he works with younger kids, if that makes sense.

I was going to blank him, but while he was so open to answering questions and stuff I asked him some and he was very candid (but who knows hey). I was very cagey and put any fantasy of us running off together to bed straight away and told him I was in a very happy LTR. I’ve been sharing updates with my partner and told him if he wants to look at the messages he’s more than welcome. There’s absolutely no threat there and he knows this. He’s very secure and pities this bloke, as do I. He hurt me a long time ago but that was simply by ending things. He didn’t cheat or abuse me.

From his account he lives a pretty sad life and doesn’t have any support networks. That’s absolutely not my problem and I’m not spending any time that’s inconvenient to me on him, but by the same token, we have a lot in common so I’m happy to chat once in a while and be someone he can vent to. He’s not propositioning me or anything and if he starts that’s it, but just bc he’s an ex, I think for now it’s not bullet to the back of his head just for that reason. He lives hundred of miles away still and has no idea where I am so no risk of him turning up should he wish to. If my OH had a problem with it that would be that, and if he does, the same thing applies. He’s my priority and always will be .

Sounds like he's desperate for a shag and is contacting all the women on his socal media & old girlfriends etc hoping someone will oblige.

I think you’re kidding yourself. Even if you were single it would not be healthy to expend one iota of energy on this idiot. The healthy response would be to wish him well and block.

Maybe. He knows he’s out of luck with me, it’s up to him how he chooses to waste his own time. It’s not causing me any stress now or impacting on my relationship

I totally get what you say. When I have the time I choose if I respond. If I don’t I won’t. It’s not causing me any grief. If it did, that what the block button is for

We did know one another for 3 years before we got back in touch and started to communicate in the first place all those years ago. We chatted random shit. I think he misses it, particularly as he’s feeling lonely right now. I’m not bothered either way. I don’t mind helping ppl even if they’re not a part of my currently life

What are you getting from this encounter? A lot of posters saying it’s unhealthy.

Gosh you're allowing yourself to be hoovered back in after being so adamant you wouldn't be. it's so subtle you can't see it

Everyone’s entitled to think what they want. I’ve had some misconceptions clarified - I didn’t need them to be, but it was interesting all the same. We share common interests so I don't mind the chat and I have insomnia so it whiles away the time. I’m not encouraging him in any romantic intentions, I know some will say just by responding is doing this. Yes, maybe, but he knows there’s no chance, and there have been men in my life who I suspected carried a torch but have never made advances - I didn’t feel the need to cut them off. I have several male friends from school and uni, some friends of friends. Some are in relationships, some are single. They know I’m not interested but we enjoy chatting to each other when we can spare the time. I have adhd and I enjoy communicating, it’s not a massive chore to me and I like to support ppl if I can, unless they’re massive arseholes.

But I’m not being hoovered in anywhere. It’s platonic. If he wants something more then tough. I’m not stringing him along. If he doesn’t like it he can piss off. I won’t miss him

He knows full well he has a chance- you are replying to him and engaging with him. You’re being very naive here and disrespecting your relationship. How would you feel if an old flame of your partner got in touch out of the blue to wang on about what a mistake she made and how he was the ‘one that got away’?
Opening the door to this guy can bring nothing positive to your life.