A message out of the blue

[WhatTheHellsGoingOn]

NC’d.

I had a pretty weird experience yesterday evening.

Someone I deleted from my fb friends sent me a message in the morning, which I realised was a scam and not sent by her, then in the early evening I received a message request by a deleted ex BF.

This person dumped me over a decade and a half ago via voicemail (long distance relationship) then blocked me and deleted me from fb. I then got an email a few weeks later apologising for how he went about it etc, which I replied to, but he made no attempt to u-turn or rekindle the relationship, which was short, around 6 months.

Within a year or 2 I got random message requests on another platform which I would accept, then nothing. I felt like he wanted me to make the first move communication wise, which I was not prepared to do as I’d already accepted the requests, but then he’d do nothing. I suspected he was too cowardly to initiate conversation at the time in case I was angry, but who knows. He’d also done that weird poking thing on fb a couple of times, I can’t remember if he tried to request being friends again, like I say it was a long time ago.

A year or two after we split I noticed he’d put an ultrasound up as his profile picture on fb (back when that was a thing) and assumed he’d obviously happily moved on.

Anyway, no communication attempts for over 15 years. Then I received a message on fb today asking if I still have the same email address, saying he still had his and giving me his phone number and asking if we could talk on something other than fb. It was a short message but sounded like it may be urgent. I wasn’t sure if it was another scam but after speaking with a friend and wondering whether this was a cry for help I said yes I was using the same email and he replied straight away asking me to check my messages.

He’d written me an email a few hours earlier apologising for how he’d ended things and said that he’d written this message a hundred time over the last x amount of years etc. That he wanted to make sure I was ok and when you care about someone, that’s important. I mean ?

He said he just wanted to make sure I was ok and gave me his number again.

I’ve had messages by ppl who have dumped me before, (admittedly not almost 20 years after the event!) but this was seriously weird. I was going to ignore, but then I thought maybe it was one of several scenarios -
he had an STI he’d been told he needed to inform his exes about (I know this was unlikely and it hadn’t affected me),
he was newly single and looking up ppl from his past,
he had a daughter who was being treated shittily by a bf which had finally made him reflect and feel ashamed,
he or a close relative was dying or seriously ill and he wanted to make peace with events from his past,
or, as my friend suggested, he was drunk or high. But he’d first emailed at half 5 in the afternoon.

I also thought maybe he was suffering from MH issues and was at risk of self harm or suicide so I responded by text message to ask if something had happened. He’d suggested text or WhatsApp and I didn’t want him knowing when I was online etc so text seemed the better option.

He messaged straight away again, thanking me for responding. He then sent me a series of short messages saying he must have drafted the email a hundred times over the last x amount of years, he knew it seemed sudden to me but it wasn’t for him. He then asked me for ten minutes of my time - THIS WEEKEND! He asked if I still lived in the same place I did when we were going out and that he was available Saturday evening or the whole of Sunday.

He said he’d really appreciate 10 minutes to explain and afterwards I could walk away, yell at him etc. anything. But he said he’d waited 15+ years, he couldn’t wait another weekend and he didn’t want to say it over text.

I didn’t reply and 20 minutes later he sent a longer message asking me to pick a spot I’d feel comfortable and saying that if I’m in another country he’d buy a plane ticket, on another planet he’d build a rocket, that he’s dying to speak to me for ten minutes anywhere.

He signed off saying he’d buy me a coffee, a three course meal or the whole damn cafe. Wherever and however I wish.

I mean WTAF?

Weird. Maybe he’s joined a cult where you need to make amends for all past sins. I had someone insist on apologising to me many years ago for something very minor. We’d had a mini moment, arranged to meet again, he stood me up, then turned out he had a long term girlfriend and they got engaged shortly after. He must have confessed to her and she made him apologise.

I didn’t like to tell him I’d already got my own back by making up a rumour about him - with the help of a friend - that everyone believed (not a bad rumour & I was 18, I’ve changed since then honest!). I remember saying ‘no no you don’t need to apologise, it’s fine’ and him insisting he did.

So yes, wonder whether someone is making him apologise. Or he’s attending sex addicts anonymous and he’s taking the making amends step too seriously.

Or more likely he’s looking for a shag.

Well unless you actually want to meet him, I think I’d be telling him it’s been 15 years, I’m over it, please don’t give this any more head space or think about it because I moved on a long time ago, the whole thing is really quite unnecessary! And then block and delete.

You’ve said you’re in a relationship OP, so don’t bring drama to your front door. Quite honestly I’d be wondering what my OH’s intentions were if they went off to meet an ex from a short relationship of 15 years ago. It’s weird.

can't you just say something like 'our relationship was a long time ago, I haven't thought about you for a long time, there's nothing to talk about. I'd like you to stop messaging.'

if you don't want to say that, why not?

I think you are dangerously flattered by his seemingly urgent need to see you. That’s not good for your current relationship.

Just ignore this ex from the distant past. He really should be nothing to you.

If he is suffering from bad mental health do you think one visit with you will help him. I don’t. If you’re worried message him and say you are concerned about him because you can’t think why he’d be in touch after all this time. You hold no grudge but you are not the person to support him and please look for help elsewhere. There is no good reason to see this person and your life has moved on. Buying you the cafe, taking a rocket…? Too weird.

Just tell him to say what he has to say in a text, if he has to say anything. Tell him there is no need for an apology or angst, you moved on a long time ago, don’t need the drama, hope he is ok, you won’t be meeting him, and all the best.

He is playing games.
Either just ignore and block, or message back and say 'No need to apologize; it was an inconsequential relationship of 6 months over 15 years ago. I moved on a very long time ago. No need to contact me again.'

What a creep!
Agree with PP.
You’re curious he might be in a bad way because you’re a decent person. The reality is you wouldn’t be the person he reached out to if that was the case. Remember all the things he made you feel before. That’s him.
And if his intentions aren’t romantic, I ask you - are you really that desperate for a new friend? I’m sure you actually have plenty of friends.

I've had this happen to me a few times.

First one wasn't even an ex, he was a co-worker who pestered me to meet up at the pub. He'd lost his wife and was grieving but it wasn't a shoulder to cry on he was looking for believe me, it was very clear what he was after despite knowing I was engaged!! So in the end I relented and turned up to the pub with my fiancé. The look on his face was priceless! It confirmed everything I suspected. I felt sorry for him because he was a widow but he was actually using it to manipulate others and was basically a creep.

During the pandemic, 2 ex's contact me via SM. One was apologetic about how he treated me and how things ended (I actually dumped him and he hadn't taken it well, so he's clearly rewritten everything in his head which was odd) and the other was clearly just popping up bored and looking for a shag. I was polite to the first one but firmly kept the door shut and didn't even respond to the second one. DH and I had a good chuckle.

In your case, just shut it down either by blocking and not responding, or just talk about how your partner/DH will need to rearrange his schedule because he'll be coming with you so you'll have to see what dates you can do. I bet good money you'll never hear from him again!

‘This is too intense for me. We had a 6 month relationship years ago. There really isn’t anything else to say. I genuinely wish you well.’

Suggest that if he really wants to meet that you and your long-term partner would be happy to meet him for 10 minutes. See what he says….

OP, he wants something. Not a shag necessarily but I’m guessing he’s lonely or has MH issues like other suggested, or whatever. Seeing an ex from years ago can add a bit of excitement to a shitty life so maybe he just wants a bit of entertainment.

A cautionary tale. Years ago met up with an ex I hadn’t seen for 15 years. I was in his city for a work trip and it was just a “let’s grab a drink together and catch up” kind of thing. I was in a happy place, it didn’t feel like a big deal.

Seeing him hit me like a train and I was totally unprepared for that. At the time, I was in the throes of child rearing (3 young kids/full-time work). Seeing this man (who hadn’t even aged well!) took me right back to the time I was young and carefree, and to the lazy afternoons spent in bed having sex. A whole world away from my reality. I didn’t understand my reaction bc I’m normally quite rational, but this felt like my body was responding for me.

He’s a lovely man, but wrong for me in all sorts of ways, and it took me months to get him out of my head (nothing happened). It really affected my peace and sense of happiness.

Don’t go there, especially if you have a partner. You stand to gain nothing. Don’t tell yourself he’s in need, because even if it was true, why does it have to be you the one to rescue him?

I’d do as a pp suggested and offer to meet him with your dh.
That way if it’s a scam / just looking for sex / something sleazy you’ll know because he will pull out.
If it’s genuinely something, then he’ll still meet you.

Id be hesitant about just ignoring this too, incase he is suicidal or has an sti or something serious. I think that 12 step programs like aa involve apologising for past mistakes so he might be alcoholic or drug addict or something in recovery

He is breadcrumbing you as he would like to keep you as a back-up shag.

So sorry, please block.

He's looking for a shag, it's not any more complicated than that. Tell him you're absolutely fine, no resentment towards him but have no interest in seeing him again. Leave it at that.

I couldn’t not meet him. The curiosity would kill me. What is the harm in meeting him?

Most people would just think ‘Oh, Thingie? Weird’, and block him without another thought. You sound very susceptible.

An STI wouldn't be applicable as she hasn't seen him for 15 years!

Plus she really doesn't need to be dragged into the situation if it is a mental health issue. It could be dangerous for the OP to let complex problems into her life and she could end up as being the one dealing with the fallout.

If he's an addict she doesn't owe him closure but if she choses to then it can be done remotely.

Nothing in this situation suggests meeting up would be good for the OP or possibly even safe.

Why not just say ‘I appreciate your apology, no need to worry about it all these years later, we’ve both moved on’ and obviously don’t meet him!

He’s obviously hoping to start things up again either because he wants sex or somewhere to live.

I know many men whose lives don’t turn out the way they hoped (eg relationship ends) and instead of moving forward, they think they’ll find comfort in moving backwards.

If you have a DP then you need to tell this man you’re not interested and stop responding.

The fact that you’re putting so much thought and energy into this and are ‘worried about him’ is a bit concerning and he is betting on the right horse because you seem the type to meet up with him and he knows it.

Well I was going to be more generous than the other PPs and say sounds like he’s having/had some sort of therapy and it involves going back over past relationships and making amends. But in hindsight, yeah, probably wants a shag. Either way it’s all about him and nothing about you. I also agree you sound way too interested so do be careful.

I agree.

I always have ex bfs trying to get in contact with me.

I don’t owe them anything and so I’ll either not respond or send a “nice to hear from you, I’m glad you’re doing well etc” type response but it would never cross my mind to meet or worry about them.

I believe that when people try to move you off your form of communication it is a scam . I would block .

i agree with the ithers that hes prob just been dumped and is looking to strike up a relationship with you as he’s thinking she was ok i shouldn’t have dumped her. But ok is not Brilliant.

Id not meet him but i’d message him to say everything’s good, it was a long time ago, i bear you no ill will and accept snd appreciate your apology, we’ve both moved on and all the best to you for the future.

I’d be pretty pissed off if my partner randomly went off to meet an ex from years ago who they had no ties to tbh