A message out of the blue

[WhatTheHellsGoingOn]

NC’d.

I had a pretty weird experience yesterday evening.

Someone I deleted from my fb friends sent me a message in the morning, which I realised was a scam and not sent by her, then in the early evening I received a message request by a deleted ex BF.

This person dumped me over a decade and a half ago via voicemail (long distance relationship) then blocked me and deleted me from fb. I then got an email a few weeks later apologising for how he went about it etc, which I replied to, but he made no attempt to u-turn or rekindle the relationship, which was short, around 6 months.

Within a year or 2 I got random message requests on another platform which I would accept, then nothing. I felt like he wanted me to make the first move communication wise, which I was not prepared to do as I’d already accepted the requests, but then he’d do nothing. I suspected he was too cowardly to initiate conversation at the time in case I was angry, but who knows. He’d also done that weird poking thing on fb a couple of times, I can’t remember if he tried to request being friends again, like I say it was a long time ago.

A year or two after we split I noticed he’d put an ultrasound up as his profile picture on fb (back when that was a thing) and assumed he’d obviously happily moved on.

Anyway, no communication attempts for over 15 years. Then I received a message on fb today asking if I still have the same email address, saying he still had his and giving me his phone number and asking if we could talk on something other than fb. It was a short message but sounded like it may be urgent. I wasn’t sure if it was another scam but after speaking with a friend and wondering whether this was a cry for help I said yes I was using the same email and he replied straight away asking me to check my messages.

He’d written me an email a few hours earlier apologising for how he’d ended things and said that he’d written this message a hundred time over the last x amount of years etc. That he wanted to make sure I was ok and when you care about someone, that’s important. I mean ?

He said he just wanted to make sure I was ok and gave me his number again.

I’ve had messages by ppl who have dumped me before, (admittedly not almost 20 years after the event!) but this was seriously weird. I was going to ignore, but then I thought maybe it was one of several scenarios -
he had an STI he’d been told he needed to inform his exes about (I know this was unlikely and it hadn’t affected me),
he was newly single and looking up ppl from his past,
he had a daughter who was being treated shittily by a bf which had finally made him reflect and feel ashamed,
he or a close relative was dying or seriously ill and he wanted to make peace with events from his past,
or, as my friend suggested, he was drunk or high. But he’d first emailed at half 5 in the afternoon.

I also thought maybe he was suffering from MH issues and was at risk of self harm or suicide so I responded by text message to ask if something had happened. He’d suggested text or WhatsApp and I didn’t want him knowing when I was online etc so text seemed the better option.

He messaged straight away again, thanking me for responding. He then sent me a series of short messages saying he must have drafted the email a hundred times over the last x amount of years, he knew it seemed sudden to me but it wasn’t for him. He then asked me for ten minutes of my time - THIS WEEKEND! He asked if I still lived in the same place I did when we were going out and that he was available Saturday evening or the whole of Sunday.

He said he’d really appreciate 10 minutes to explain and afterwards I could walk away, yell at him etc. anything. But he said he’d waited 15+ years, he couldn’t wait another weekend and he didn’t want to say it over text.

I didn’t reply and 20 minutes later he sent a longer message asking me to pick a spot I’d feel comfortable and saying that if I’m in another country he’d buy a plane ticket, on another planet he’d build a rocket, that he’s dying to speak to me for ten minutes anywhere.

He signed off saying he’d buy me a coffee, a three course meal or the whole damn cafe. Wherever and however I wish.

I mean WTAF?

I think you need to be cautious. He’s an ex who has suddenly go back in touch because he’s lonely and you enjoy talking to him. Do you really think that’s fair on your OH? You have said he knows all about it and if he asked you to stop you would, but why should he have to ask and make himself look like a jealous partner?

It’s inappropriate to be continually messaging an ex out of the blue. The fact you think this will hurt no one is naive. You have said you enjoy talking to him. What happens in a few months when your OH finally says something but you now feel like you would miss your chats with your ex if it were to end?

What I’m trying to say is most people don’t start off saying that they want an emotional affair but it happens because they don’t put boundaries in place to protect their relationship.

OP is enjoying this, the attention from old flame and random people on the net. IMO obviously. Crack on. IME, albeit indirect, it’s unhealthy and in the words of my wise grandmother, no good will come of it

This! This with bells on.

Agree fully.

@WhatTheHellsGoingOn you are emotionally investing in this friendship with a man who treated you badly. Do you think this is healthy at all? or respectful of your partner? You will soon find yourself looking forward to this twats messages and disappointed if he doesn't. There is something very very seductive about reconnecting with an old flame even if you fully are over them.

If you’re right and he’s in crisis, what’s even the best that could happen, let alone the worst? You’re opening a can of worms.

Why on earth are you engaging with him? What possible good can come from it?

Sorry to sound harsh, but this is how emotional affairs start. You've gone from not wishing to engage, to responding in the night and justifying it as meaningless because you have insomnia.

Oh sweetie, I am worried you are going to hurt again, maybe not now but once you are well and truly his friend again , down the line.....

"But he knows there's no chance" oh come on OP. You can't be that naive? As far as he is concerned, you are talking, you haven't blocked him, you haven't told him to do one. So in his mind, there is a chance.

Also, your current partner is just fine with you "whiling away the hours" chatting to this guy?

This is a good point. It made my skin crawl when he got in touch. All I have are negative memories of the time we were together and he seems to be the opposite. It’s bizarre how the brain works. I view him as quite pitiful now and slightly desperate. The main reason I am engaging is he’s venting about his ex who he split with a few months ago and he has no one else to talk to - he hasn’t asked me to do this, people tend to over share with me and that’s what he is doing. He lives a sad life and I do feel sorry for him.

The romantic aspect is well and truly dead in my side and I view him as I would an old ‘friend’ who I’ve good out is in a sad way. The only negative I see is that he’s preventing himself from moving on by talking to me, that’s up to him. I’m concerned for him and his kids, and his ex, tho there’s not a lot I can do and I wouldn’t get involved even if we lived in the same area. My partner is fine with me occasionally talking to him. I hide nothing. He knows how unhappy he made me and that I view him as a rather sad and pathetic creature now. It sounds like he received a healthy dose of karma, which he deserved, but there’s no need to deliberately make him feel any worse now.

Thank you for this lovely message. I can understand the idea that my feelings may be rekindled as I cared so much about him once. Thank you for caring, both those ppl are long dead now. I feel nothing but pity/concern for him, which is probably a lot more than he deserved. It sounds like he’s paid for the shit he threw my way tho. It could all be a complete con, I have no idea, I don’t care. He’s not gaining anything but a fraction of my time which would be spent watching something or reading, I’m not emotionally investing, or letting it affect my headspace, but if I can help I will.

"there’s no need to deliberately make him feel any worse now."

He's doing that to himself. You have no obligation to provide him with free therapy sessions. You don't owe him anything. He could hire a professional to talk to. If he has no one to talk to, that is entirely of his own making.

You have no obligation to fix random men.

Look up The Drama Triangle, because he's very much created one - his ex is the persecutor, he's the victim and you're in fixer/rescuer role because you feel responsible for being his listening ear because he's apparently got no-one else.

There are people he can reach out to, therapists. But he won't because he's using you as a free service instead.

You could easily say "I understand you're struggling, but I'm not able to be there for you in this listening capacity"
In the kindest way: people will over share with you if you allow them to do so by not giving a boundary of NO.

I wish you well, but honestly this man has you exactly where he needs you... He's the pitiful victim and you're the empathic over-giving listener.

The fact it made your skin crawl and now you've been manipulated into being there because he's got no-one else (allegedly) is bonkers ☹

Maybe he needs to reflect that his loneliness is because he’s unpleasant. He’s not your problem to fix, and I’d anticipate your current partners patience wearing thin if you try.
I realise you’re trying to be kind, but that might end up being at the expense of your own happiness. Personally, not a risk I’d willingly take.

That’s a good observation about the drama triangle - I expect OP has found herself in the ‘rescuer’ / codependent role in the past by facilitating over-sharers. But the most important point about the drama triangle is that it’s emotionally unhealthy, unstable and the victim (your ex) will flip to the persecutor role and at some point attack you. Hurt people, hurt people.

A compassionate approach from you for him and his children would be for you to signpost him to a professional who can help him directly (and ultimately the children involved indirectly) with his complex emotional needs at this crisis point in his life. You are inadvertently facilitating his bitterness, downloading and entrenching his victimhood which will not help his children in the short or the long term. You need to reflect and check your motivations here - is it karma - are you getting a kick out of this? You sound delusional when you say it has no impact on your life when you are prioritising considerable headspace, time and energy ruminating on it all as well as posting on here and continuing your involvement with a broken man (whether he deserves to be in this position or not) - he has children that need him emotionally balanced and your behaviour is not enabling that. You are out of your depth here - if he had a broken leg you wouldn’t say come here and sit with me for months and I will pat it with Dettol - you would signpost him to an orthopaedic surgeon. You are getting in his way of healing with professional expertise - no matter how much he wishes to sit in the bitter echo chamber.

Honestly he sounds dodgy as fuck. I can't even remember the names of people I dated 20 years ago, let alone even consider their wellbeing.

He sounds like either a nut job, mid-life crisis, absolute narc using you for attention and emotional dumping, or it's some sort of scam in the making.

You know he's withholding pretty major information from you regarding his life, and frankly, after 15 years of no contact, you know absolutely nothing about him. He could be a complete psychopath!

And from his point of view, why on earth does he think it is appropriate to contact you after nearly 2 decades with pointless information about his 'feeling' that could significantly affect your life/relationship etc.

Men generally aren't that deep. I would be very careful and stay safe!!

I fully admit I’m only here for the goss but meet him! And report back! If you don’t care and he’s coming to you, it’s literally 10 minutes and you’ll always wonder if you don’t!

He sounds a bit manic and desperate. He doesn't seem to have thought through how his approach might have an effect on you.

I'd resist meeting him, tell him you don't have any unresolved business with him, wish him well and block.

I agree that he sounds manic and desperate, which makes him unpredictable and volatile. Why on earth would you want to keep in touch with someone like that? never mind the fact that he's treated you poorly in the past

He is dodgy
and he is after something.
No idea what, sympathy, restarting relationship.

He treated you really badly, yet you are listening to his victim chat and worried about him, his ex and his kids.

You said that people often come to you as a listening post.

Please listen to what people are saying. You hav eyour own life, your own family - listen to them. Spend more time listening to YOURSELF... what are your hopes and dreams... think about that instead of listening to the self pity of a loser ex who hurt you badly in the past.
Youve been kind and now you can honourably tell him to Tell him to sling his hook and stop using up your oxygen.