A message out of the blue

[WhatTheHellsGoingOn]

NC’d.

I had a pretty weird experience yesterday evening.

Someone I deleted from my fb friends sent me a message in the morning, which I realised was a scam and not sent by her, then in the early evening I received a message request by a deleted ex BF.

This person dumped me over a decade and a half ago via voicemail (long distance relationship) then blocked me and deleted me from fb. I then got an email a few weeks later apologising for how he went about it etc, which I replied to, but he made no attempt to u-turn or rekindle the relationship, which was short, around 6 months.

Within a year or 2 I got random message requests on another platform which I would accept, then nothing. I felt like he wanted me to make the first move communication wise, which I was not prepared to do as I’d already accepted the requests, but then he’d do nothing. I suspected he was too cowardly to initiate conversation at the time in case I was angry, but who knows. He’d also done that weird poking thing on fb a couple of times, I can’t remember if he tried to request being friends again, like I say it was a long time ago.

A year or two after we split I noticed he’d put an ultrasound up as his profile picture on fb (back when that was a thing) and assumed he’d obviously happily moved on.

Anyway, no communication attempts for over 15 years. Then I received a message on fb today asking if I still have the same email address, saying he still had his and giving me his phone number and asking if we could talk on something other than fb. It was a short message but sounded like it may be urgent. I wasn’t sure if it was another scam but after speaking with a friend and wondering whether this was a cry for help I said yes I was using the same email and he replied straight away asking me to check my messages.

He’d written me an email a few hours earlier apologising for how he’d ended things and said that he’d written this message a hundred time over the last x amount of years etc. That he wanted to make sure I was ok and when you care about someone, that’s important. I mean ?

He said he just wanted to make sure I was ok and gave me his number again.

I’ve had messages by ppl who have dumped me before, (admittedly not almost 20 years after the event!) but this was seriously weird. I was going to ignore, but then I thought maybe it was one of several scenarios -
he had an STI he’d been told he needed to inform his exes about (I know this was unlikely and it hadn’t affected me),
he was newly single and looking up ppl from his past,
he had a daughter who was being treated shittily by a bf which had finally made him reflect and feel ashamed,
he or a close relative was dying or seriously ill and he wanted to make peace with events from his past,
or, as my friend suggested, he was drunk or high. But he’d first emailed at half 5 in the afternoon.

I also thought maybe he was suffering from MH issues and was at risk of self harm or suicide so I responded by text message to ask if something had happened. He’d suggested text or WhatsApp and I didn’t want him knowing when I was online etc so text seemed the better option.

He messaged straight away again, thanking me for responding. He then sent me a series of short messages saying he must have drafted the email a hundred times over the last x amount of years, he knew it seemed sudden to me but it wasn’t for him. He then asked me for ten minutes of my time - THIS WEEKEND! He asked if I still lived in the same place I did when we were going out and that he was available Saturday evening or the whole of Sunday.

He said he’d really appreciate 10 minutes to explain and afterwards I could walk away, yell at him etc. anything. But he said he’d waited 15+ years, he couldn’t wait another weekend and he didn’t want to say it over text.

I didn’t reply and 20 minutes later he sent a longer message asking me to pick a spot I’d feel comfortable and saying that if I’m in another country he’d buy a plane ticket, on another planet he’d build a rocket, that he’s dying to speak to me for ten minutes anywhere.

He signed off saying he’d buy me a coffee, a three course meal or the whole damn cafe. Wherever and however I wish.

I mean WTAF?

I had an Ex from years ago do this once. Sent me a Facebook friends request out of the blue that I ignored. Then he bloody turned up at a class he knew I went to. I ignored him. When I left he literally ran across the car park after me and opened the door of my car to talk to me. I just told him there was nothing to talk about. Then drove off ( after he closed my door!).

I have no idea what he wanted to say and had no interest in finding out.

Sounds like he thinks you’ve spent the past 15 years yearning for him. It’s very narc-y to think your toys power down and cease to exist until you want to pick them up and play with them again. I would delight in taking the wind out of his sails with one of the previously suggested messages.

I'd meet him. Wouldn't be able to help myself! I think he's probably going through a midlife crisis and has pinpointed breaking up with you as the moment it all went wrong. He's trying to time travel.
This happened to me once with a guy I was mad about. We met and it was so cathartic and enjoyable to watch him make overtures and not have any interest in them. The worm had turned, the shoe was on the other foot and it was very satisfying turning him down and treating him like a pitiful creature.

You’d be crazy to meet him. What possible good could come of it? Even if he is in some kind of trouble it’s clearly not your job to fix it and how could you from hundreds of miles away? I bet if you tell him you are happily in a long term relationship he will quickly rethink a long journey or buying you a whole cafe!

I would reply saying that you are happy in a long term relationship and do not want to meet. The way he behaved all that time ago was hurtful and wrong but you accept his belated apology and it hasn’t affected your life in any way so he doesn’t need to feel guilty. You aren’t interested in any explanation he might want to give you as it was so long ago you’ve moved on in life and suggest he does the same. Then block him from everything.

He was a knob back then and he still is now. Best keep well away.

You should never look back over your shoulder in a race, or in life.

This.

Why are you giving someone who is essentially a stranger the oxygen of your attention? The whole thing sounds deranged and riddled with drama. It’s been 15 years, block him and move on.

He's had this fantasy that you've been pining over him all these years, and now he's ready to act on that fantasy.

Your reality doesn't matter all to him, I imagine.

I had an ex from 20 years ago message because he was dying of cancer and wanted to apologise for his crappy behaviour (cheated on me). I did reply to that one as it seemed harsh for him to go to his deathbed with it. That of course opened the door for some more contact which again I thought would be OK in the circumstances (DH fully aware). Well the cancer and the terminal prognosis were real but he has somehow beat the odds and is still surviving a few years later and now I have to try to phase out unwanted contact from a man with cancer. There’s a lot of maudlin regrets expressed about what might have been if he’d stayed with me that I don’t want to hear (his subsequent marriage ended in divorce and he cheated on her as well. He is charming and has a lot of good qualities but also extremely untrustworthy) I rather wish now I had never replied.
The past needs to stay in the past.

As someone who treated an ex badly - I think he's only in touch with you to assuage his own guilt about what he did.

I have thought about sending a similar message - but realized that's for my benefit, not his, so I haven't.

I get the impression he still has some sort of 'hold' over you - you need to block and move on.

Reaching out with an apology was nice.

This level of intensity is crazed. It's unbalanced.

Back away fast

"Dear Ex

It was nice of you to reach out but I'm afraid that at this point wanting to meet seems to have become very intense very fast to pick over a relationship that finished over fifteen years ago. I've been happily settled in a relationship for a long time now and honestly, while I appreciate that you've acknowledged you could have ended things in a different way, it's all in the past now.

Let's leave it here now, please. I wish you well in the future.

Good wishes
OP"

Steer well clear. Red flags all over this. Why is he withholding information that he wants to release to you on a slow drip feed? Why is he dictating the terms and conditions - when, where, how long. Why is he trying to pump you for personal information - where you live etc. He is controlling and self absorbed. He also sounds obsessive. The fact that you have replied to him and he's got you wondering will be massive boost to his ego - not your fault, that's how he is. Get yourself removed from his sightlines asap in as safe and low key a way as possible. "I'm not going to be available to meet you. I wish you well." Then block him.

It is a scam in a way, he is messing with your head and is wasting your time and you're twisting yourself trying to guess what he wants. Get angry and tell him to get lost, you don't give a crap about him and aren't interested in anything he has to say. then get on with making plans for the weekend. I can't believe people are advising you to meet this twat.

I would respond and say that what happened in the past should stay in the past as you have moved on and are happy with how your life has turned out in the last 15 years or however long it has been and have no wish to rehash the past.

Wish him well and then block

OP i would also want to know what it was all about!

I think you should get back to him with honest direct questions saying you'd need a lot more detail before you'd be prepared to do this - it might feel vital to him but it doesn't to you, so seems motivated by his own needs rather than a desire to be truly aware of yours, and that his insistence is raising lots of red flags for you.

what emotion is driving this?
Why is he feelinig that emotion now?
is he in recovery
is he having therapy?
is he struggling?
Where is he living - alone, with parents?
Has he recently come out of a long term relationship

Maybe he is in recovery and you are on his ‘ ammends-list?’

‘It’s very sad indeed that you’ve been agonising over your poor behaviour all these years, especially as I realised very quickly that I had wasted my time with you.
If you have something that’s so important for me to know, please have the courtesy to put it in an email rather than expecting me to meet your request for my time.’

ugh. block and forget. he’s lost his marbles

I had something a little similar last year. Guy I'd been with more than 30 years ago, now lives abroad but was back here to visit his elderly parent in a care home. He was going to be in my home town for a couple of hours and asked if I wanted to meet for a cup of tea.

I did go and meet him (dh knew I was going). He said that with his parent being near the end of their life he was back in UK to sort out belongings. He also went to a school reunion (his, not mine). He came across photos from our past, and I think he was in reflective mode. He said he just wondered how I was.

We had a nice couple of hours reminiscing, but we have nothing in common apart from 2 years of our shared history. He went back to the country he lives in shortly afterwards (to his partner and family) and I doubt I will ever see him again.

However it left me feeling very unsettled. Despite being in a very happy long term relationship, the intensity of reminiscing left me with a bit of "what if..." I don't think he had any nefarious intention, and nor did I but i do think meeting up took us back to a time when we were both much younger. I think that can be a dangerously heady feeling. I am very glad he lives far, far away.

I think it’s just a thing some people do when they are having issues in the current relationship or have split up etc. So want attention to soothe themselves or get an ego boost.

You don’t owe him your time, and the likelihood is he’s just fishing with a number of people to try and get responses or attention so it’s not authentic.

so good on you you didn’t cross that line again Ada!

It's difficult to know what his true motives are for wanting to meet up, but i can be fairly sure its not for your benefit.
I would reply saying thank you for the apology but i don't see any benefit in meeting up, good luck.

This is a total waste of time on your part.

It's not up to you to fix him if he's broken. My guess is he's single and looking.

So much navel gazing for the chance of getting laid with an ex... Christ.

Just block the daft twat.

I had therapy after treating an ex rather horrible(emotionally) and I wrote them a letter via e-mail as a healing process for me maybe 4 months ago and i moved on.

Its normal but he seems a bit hung up on this