A message out of the blue

[WhatTheHellsGoingOn]

NC’d.

I had a pretty weird experience yesterday evening.

Someone I deleted from my fb friends sent me a message in the morning, which I realised was a scam and not sent by her, then in the early evening I received a message request by a deleted ex BF.

This person dumped me over a decade and a half ago via voicemail (long distance relationship) then blocked me and deleted me from fb. I then got an email a few weeks later apologising for how he went about it etc, which I replied to, but he made no attempt to u-turn or rekindle the relationship, which was short, around 6 months.

Within a year or 2 I got random message requests on another platform which I would accept, then nothing. I felt like he wanted me to make the first move communication wise, which I was not prepared to do as I’d already accepted the requests, but then he’d do nothing. I suspected he was too cowardly to initiate conversation at the time in case I was angry, but who knows. He’d also done that weird poking thing on fb a couple of times, I can’t remember if he tried to request being friends again, like I say it was a long time ago.

A year or two after we split I noticed he’d put an ultrasound up as his profile picture on fb (back when that was a thing) and assumed he’d obviously happily moved on.

Anyway, no communication attempts for over 15 years. Then I received a message on fb today asking if I still have the same email address, saying he still had his and giving me his phone number and asking if we could talk on something other than fb. It was a short message but sounded like it may be urgent. I wasn’t sure if it was another scam but after speaking with a friend and wondering whether this was a cry for help I said yes I was using the same email and he replied straight away asking me to check my messages.

He’d written me an email a few hours earlier apologising for how he’d ended things and said that he’d written this message a hundred time over the last x amount of years etc. That he wanted to make sure I was ok and when you care about someone, that’s important. I mean ?

He said he just wanted to make sure I was ok and gave me his number again.

I’ve had messages by ppl who have dumped me before, (admittedly not almost 20 years after the event!) but this was seriously weird. I was going to ignore, but then I thought maybe it was one of several scenarios -
he had an STI he’d been told he needed to inform his exes about (I know this was unlikely and it hadn’t affected me),
he was newly single and looking up ppl from his past,
he had a daughter who was being treated shittily by a bf which had finally made him reflect and feel ashamed,
he or a close relative was dying or seriously ill and he wanted to make peace with events from his past,
or, as my friend suggested, he was drunk or high. But he’d first emailed at half 5 in the afternoon.

I also thought maybe he was suffering from MH issues and was at risk of self harm or suicide so I responded by text message to ask if something had happened. He’d suggested text or WhatsApp and I didn’t want him knowing when I was online etc so text seemed the better option.

He messaged straight away again, thanking me for responding. He then sent me a series of short messages saying he must have drafted the email a hundred times over the last x amount of years, he knew it seemed sudden to me but it wasn’t for him. He then asked me for ten minutes of my time - THIS WEEKEND! He asked if I still lived in the same place I did when we were going out and that he was available Saturday evening or the whole of Sunday.

He said he’d really appreciate 10 minutes to explain and afterwards I could walk away, yell at him etc. anything. But he said he’d waited 15+ years, he couldn’t wait another weekend and he didn’t want to say it over text.

I didn’t reply and 20 minutes later he sent a longer message asking me to pick a spot I’d feel comfortable and saying that if I’m in another country he’d buy a plane ticket, on another planet he’d build a rocket, that he’s dying to speak to me for ten minutes anywhere.

He signed off saying he’d buy me a coffee, a three course meal or the whole damn cafe. Wherever and however I wish.

I mean WTAF?

Why are you entertaining this op I dont get it just say

This was such a long time ago you've moved on and you aren't interested in meeting

Then block

Say you will only meet him if you can bring your partner

im not in AA but in a group for adult child of alcoholics with the same principles and yes I wondered this as ive seen it in the teachings in our group

Youre giving him too much credit. He's just a chancer looking for a shag.

I'd just block him. He's a creep.

This will likely be my ExH digging up the ex’s for a quick shag. Delete it and give it no more of your time..

But, bluntly, so what? The OP doesn’t owe him her time, whether he’s drying out, dying, having a midlife crisis etc etc. He’s not important to her.

He is far too intense and behaving more than a little weird which would make the wall come up with me.. The past is the past, if you're happy to leave it there then just ignore him.
As kind as it is to care about anyone and everyone, he is not your responsibility and because he's making you feel like there may be something wrong in his life is actually another reason to keep away - he is playing games. Anything wrong can be said in an email, don't need the intensity of meeting up and the grand 'I will fly where ever' nonsense is just oddball. I may be wrong in guessing your reaction, but perhaps you'd not feel so out of sorts with him had he just been upfront and less mysterious.

I think this is possibly all an elaborate fantasy of picking up where he left off, but I admit I’m interested to know what these magic ten minutes he keeps mentioning would actually consist of!
In a word: disappointment.

Being dumped by someone in a particularly upsetting way tends to stay with us. Be careful you don't get pulled into engaging with him because having him beg forgiveness and chase you feels like compensation and closure, because he sounds unstable. Block him and forget him.

From what you say about his tone, I think it's probably that his relationship has fallen apart, he's feeling lost and looking back at your time together through rose tinted glasses. It sounds like he's idealised you and your short relationship and is using it as some sort of coping mechanism.

Nothing good will come from continuing your communication with him and if he really is struggling, it certainly won't help him. I think youd be best off, saying the past is in the past and that you wish him well.

@DexterMorgansmumwho are Celine and Jesse? It’s driving me nuts trying to work it out (I’m assuming they must be from a fairly popular tv show as the way you referenced them was if you expected people to know who they are).

OP I’d be curious too. Part of me would want to go just to stop my mind forever wondering what it was all about (I’m someone that doesn’t deal well with ambiguity), so I’d arrange to meet somewhere convenient for me, and ask my partner to be in the same venue but nearby to start with rather than at the same table. I’d agree a signal if I wanted him to come over (eg if the guy is clearly unstable/weird/making me uncomfortable etc). But you don’t owe him anything - so if you can say not interested, block him, then never give it a second thought, I would do that. If you’re like me where you’d forever be wondering, I’d either ask for a video call or do the meet up. Whatever you do though, make sure your partner knows EVERYTHING. The last thing you want is this causing you trouble there!

I know it’s none of our business… but if you do ever find out what he wanted it would be great if you updated us. I’m a little bit invested now lol.

Whatever you decide to do though, do it for YOU and what you need, not for him and his needs. You don’t owe him anything.

Sounds to me like he has something he wants to confess as to why he ended things with you. Which would relieve his guilt, but you don't have to hear it if you don't want to. Presumably you have happily moved on with your life?

I reckon it's MLM

"Have you been thinking about your life? Do you know what a difference correct nutrition can make?
Let me tell you about these amazing supplements that have changed my life!"
😆

It is very important part of th programme in taking accountabiliy for past actions.

Step 8: Made a list of persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

He has shown his willingness to do this by reaching out to the OP.

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

The programme doesn't expect anybody else to play a role or react in a certain way, hence the part of step in bold.

He may have to accept that the OP does not want to engage, if that is the case.

It is very important part of th programme in taking accountabiliy for past actions.

But do you need to resurface in someone's life uninvited after xx years to do that? What if they don't want you to? If they're not expected to play a role, why are they contacted?

But multiple things can be true! He may also be having a MH crisis.

OP can meet without giving information about her life.
She can meet because she is curious, to reaffirm her boundaries, for her own amusement or of course not meet him.

She can shout or say “this looks like you are trying to keep Pussy Options open, which I personally find gross.” Or You know I haven’t thought about you in years, or The fact your behaviour has troubled you for years seems lesson enough not to behave dishonorably in the future, or she can say nothing.
It certainly doesn’t seem as if her peace is going to be disturbed, regardless of what he says.

The OP didn't have to engage.

It may be important for him. That's irrelevant to the OP. She's not a bit part character in his Addiction Journey.

If that was the case, and he was genuine, he wouldn't be so pushy.

Making amends involves having respect for the person - pushing from message to email, to text, badgering the Op for the famous 10 minutes is all about him, not about atoning for anything.

I would tell him that you don’t want to meet up, you have moved on, and if he has anything he wants to say, then he can put it all in an email.

Yes, I imagine in that case his sponsor would have a discussion about whether or not it was appropriate to contact someone in those circumstances, what are the possible harms/disadvantages to the person.

And if contact still seemed like a good idea would suggest a brief message offering contact, no follow up if not taken up.

But she was disturbed! And saying "she didn't have to engage" places a responsibility on her.

Eugh. So many of us have unfortunately dated creeps like this before.

They are absolutely only ever fully interested in themselves. He's not interested in you or rekindling anything, he just still wants to see if he's got any kind of hold over you - which you've proved he does, given the extreme over thinking. You should have just blocked him instantly or at most said "thanks for the message. I'm enjoying a very happy relationship, enjoy your life" and then block him.

If you told him you were abroad I can be 100% sure he would not have booked a flight anywhere - he's just getting a kick of out playing with you, seeing how far you'll go.

Sorry if it sounds harsh but you're also being very disrespectful to your current partner by continuing to engage with him. Delete and block. Do not give him a second thought. I'd be very surprised if he wasn't messaging more than one ex with a similar self pitying waffle about how bad he feels. Men like this are losers who should not be given the energy.

That was my first thought ...or hasn't even split but is just cueing up the replacement.

Just block him. This isn't worth your time at all. I don't know why you're entertaining him.