A message out of the blue

[WhatTheHellsGoingOn]

NC’d.

I had a pretty weird experience yesterday evening.

Someone I deleted from my fb friends sent me a message in the morning, which I realised was a scam and not sent by her, then in the early evening I received a message request by a deleted ex BF.

This person dumped me over a decade and a half ago via voicemail (long distance relationship) then blocked me and deleted me from fb. I then got an email a few weeks later apologising for how he went about it etc, which I replied to, but he made no attempt to u-turn or rekindle the relationship, which was short, around 6 months.

Within a year or 2 I got random message requests on another platform which I would accept, then nothing. I felt like he wanted me to make the first move communication wise, which I was not prepared to do as I’d already accepted the requests, but then he’d do nothing. I suspected he was too cowardly to initiate conversation at the time in case I was angry, but who knows. He’d also done that weird poking thing on fb a couple of times, I can’t remember if he tried to request being friends again, like I say it was a long time ago.

A year or two after we split I noticed he’d put an ultrasound up as his profile picture on fb (back when that was a thing) and assumed he’d obviously happily moved on.

Anyway, no communication attempts for over 15 years. Then I received a message on fb today asking if I still have the same email address, saying he still had his and giving me his phone number and asking if we could talk on something other than fb. It was a short message but sounded like it may be urgent. I wasn’t sure if it was another scam but after speaking with a friend and wondering whether this was a cry for help I said yes I was using the same email and he replied straight away asking me to check my messages.

He’d written me an email a few hours earlier apologising for how he’d ended things and said that he’d written this message a hundred time over the last x amount of years etc. That he wanted to make sure I was ok and when you care about someone, that’s important. I mean ?

He said he just wanted to make sure I was ok and gave me his number again.

I’ve had messages by ppl who have dumped me before, (admittedly not almost 20 years after the event!) but this was seriously weird. I was going to ignore, but then I thought maybe it was one of several scenarios -
he had an STI he’d been told he needed to inform his exes about (I know this was unlikely and it hadn’t affected me),
he was newly single and looking up ppl from his past,
he had a daughter who was being treated shittily by a bf which had finally made him reflect and feel ashamed,
he or a close relative was dying or seriously ill and he wanted to make peace with events from his past,
or, as my friend suggested, he was drunk or high. But he’d first emailed at half 5 in the afternoon.

I also thought maybe he was suffering from MH issues and was at risk of self harm or suicide so I responded by text message to ask if something had happened. He’d suggested text or WhatsApp and I didn’t want him knowing when I was online etc so text seemed the better option.

He messaged straight away again, thanking me for responding. He then sent me a series of short messages saying he must have drafted the email a hundred times over the last x amount of years, he knew it seemed sudden to me but it wasn’t for him. He then asked me for ten minutes of my time - THIS WEEKEND! He asked if I still lived in the same place I did when we were going out and that he was available Saturday evening or the whole of Sunday.

He said he’d really appreciate 10 minutes to explain and afterwards I could walk away, yell at him etc. anything. But he said he’d waited 15+ years, he couldn’t wait another weekend and he didn’t want to say it over text.

I didn’t reply and 20 minutes later he sent a longer message asking me to pick a spot I’d feel comfortable and saying that if I’m in another country he’d buy a plane ticket, on another planet he’d build a rocket, that he’s dying to speak to me for ten minutes anywhere.

He signed off saying he’d buy me a coffee, a three course meal or the whole damn cafe. Wherever and however I wish.

I mean WTAF?

Why the urgency to move off Fb and onto email etc? Sounds weird

Well, it’s irrelevant either way, surely. He isn’t her friend, they haven’t been in contact in a decade and an half, and he doesn’t get to have ‘ten minutes’ of her time for any purpose.

This screams of mid life crisis, anxiety and depression. Dwelling on guilt over things you have done and determined to do anything to put them right.

But, it's not about making the other person feel better, it's about making yourself feel better. It's a purely selfish act on his part. He wants to see you smile to know that what he did to you didn't wreck your life forever.

Don't bother, no situation could need the help of a 20 year ex friend that doctors or a therapist cannot fix.

It’s not women’s job to fix men.

What I mean is it's his problem, he needs to work through it himself without involving anyone else as collateral.

Or recovering addict. Also could be this.

Even if he genuinely wanted to get back in touch, by barraging you with messages and insisting you drop everything to meet when he says suggests he's a bit unhinged.
I wouldn't reply at all. If you do reply, say "I'm not interested, thanks, and you can stop sending me all these messages" so there is no question that it's unwanted.

Don't contemplate anything else. He doesn't care about you. Nothing in his messages suggests he even realises you have your own agency.

He’s testing OPs boundaries.

He’ll want her number to start texting or ringing her more.

Messaging on a phone is more intimate than over FB so he’s pushing OPs boundaries to see how far she’ll go.

That’s why he only wants to ‘meet for 10mins’.

Theres no way anyone meets for just 10mins.
He knows that’s but he knows that if he can get OP to agree for 10 mins, he can push her to agree to 1 hour and keep pushing for more.

Agree with pp. He knows you still like him so is pushing you to see how far he can go. It’s mind games. Normally in these scenarios nothing is wrong at all they’re just single and after a shag and attention.

I think it’s really odd you had the 2 messages from people you cut out of your life within the same day .

15 years ago, say he was 25 - the fact that you were so into him, turned him off, and he wanted the thrill of the chase and went after someone else, unceremoniously dumping you.

15 years on, he is now 40 and possibly out of a LTR or still in it and looking to have side hook ups, either ways - the thought of how intensely you were into him , the memory of it, is now a turn on - an ego massage that he now craves.

He knows you may well be in a secure LTR and hence is creating fake drama to get you to hook up rather than a straightforward approach to whether you might want to meet again on a date - which you may well decline off the bat.

The fake drama appears to be that in ten minutes he will explain to you how you were the love of his life, but a tsunami, earthquake, grandma dying, parent ill, anything made him walk away then and how it was all a mis understanding (think Celine not making it to the meeting spot where Jesse was waiting, cos of her grandma dying, in Before sunset). He hopes this love bombing will lead to some shags /a hook up - maybe even more, till he gets bored again and dumps again.

Don't strain your current relationship to go through this hoop again with this ex. He is bad news

If he’s having a crisis or some kind of mental health issue it is not your responsibility to assist him nor quite frankly would it be appropriate.

He must have family and friends who would be better placed to assist him than a woman he knew briefly 15 years ago.

If he is having a crisis then 10 minutes isn’t going to help and you will then find to impossible to walk away.

After 15 years there’s nothing he can say face to face that he can’t put in a text message.

Say no to phone calls and meetings. If you are very concerned about him reach out to any family members you know and ask them to check on him.

If he makes any threats to harm himself call the police. And block him (which you should do anyway)

Exactly. His intentions here are very clear.

OP- I think you need to examine why this is bothering you so much and why you say you were worried he was having a mental health crisis. Even if he was (which he isnt) why on earth is it your responsibility to help him? noone having a genuine mental breakdown would choose to seek help from someone they haven't spoken to in 15 years.

You seem so overly concerned about his welfare and yet he doesn't give a shit about yours.

I definitely wouldn’t see him. I’d maybe message along the lines of thanks for the apology, it was a very long time ago and I’ve long since moved on. I’m happy and settled in life, so have no wish to meet up to rake over the past.

and the I’d probably block him.

Why don’t you just FaceTime him, that way it’s face to face

Just tell him that your break up is not the big deal in your life that it seems to be in his, and if he wants to explain it all he should put it in writing or a voicemail.

What have you decided to do ?

Hmmm this has he needs cash vibes written all over it.

Just block and delete

That’s really weird and it would really unsettle me. I’d just message him and say it was a long time ago and you’ve moved on.

He might have something urgent to tell you but he is still being a self- absorbed arse because he is pressuring you to see him in his time frame. If it is something that is really time critical he should tell you over the phone or by email, rather than you having to arrange time to meet him for ten minutes. And it won't be 10 minutes, it will take that long to say hello and order coffee or whatever.

I would be inclined to say that I wouldn't be able to meet him for at least a couple of weeks and as it sounds so urgent and dramatic, I don't want to wait that long so he needs to call or email to tell me in the next day or so, rather than leave me on tenterhooks.

If he won't do that then I would say that it can't be that important so you'll leave it and never know.

I haven't read all the other posts. Has someone suggested he has got involved with multi-level marketing. That would make sense of the non-specified urgency.

What was the dynamic when you were together? As I noticed from your post that there's quite a lot of anxiety around his mental health/if he's in crisis etc.

Even if he is... And without sounding harsh... It is not your responsibility to fix or rescue him. It's not like it was a recent friendship/relationship.

I'd be wary of the fact he seems to be trying to love-bomb you also (offering to buy you the whole cafe) ... It have narcy red flags about it.

Personally I would just explain you are happy with your life and not looking to ressurect old connections and that you have no interest in meeting in person, see if he'll explain over message?

I would be very very wary. The fact he's tried to gauge where you live etc... Weird.

Unless you have any residual feelings that mean you would get something out of hearing what he has to say, don’t bother. You don’t owe him anything.

This is extremely odd and I would not meet this person. They sound possibly unstable. Say thank you for the explanation, I forgive you, wishing you all the best.

Thanks so much for all your replies. I think as some have suggested I’ll thank him for his latest apology, tell him I won’t be meeting up as I’m in a LTR and wish him well. My thoughts were, as others have mentioned, that he might be in recovery for something and this confessional apology was part of the program. I googled him as a friend suggested (he told me he’s not on SM, which is why he wanted to check I was alright this way) and he is still in the same profession and looks to be doing well. He also mentions his 2 sons.

He’s messaged me this morning to acknowledge more context was probably needed and more chat would have probably put my mind at ease, then repeats he’d just like the opportunity to catch up after so long face to face about everything that’s happened in between. He assures me he’s still very calm and sane, not in a relationship, not a bad guy, he’s just live to speak to me and catch up.

I think I may need to block if he continues or wont take no for an answer. Not once has he asked if I’m single as well, I think he assumed I must be and still living in the same place, possibly with my parents, and I haven’t moved on at all since he ended it. I think this is possibly all an elaborate fantasy of picking up where he left off, but I admit I’m interested to know what these magic ten minutes he keeps mentioning would actually consist of!

Adding my voice to say no.

Even if this is true- the way he's doing it doesn't ring true for therapy.

If a therapist suggested this they would have told him that he would need to respect boundaries and be open and honest about his reasons, not try to pressure someone into meeting him or be weirdly mysterious about his motives as that would make the other person feel unsafe. If someone didnt want to meet then he can apologise over email. But he hasn't done that.

He wants an easy shag and I suspect OP you aren't the only ex he's contacted.