He's been paying for cam girls while I'm pregnant - am I overreacting?

[ThatUmberNewt]

Looking for advice as I feel very hurt. I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and I have been with my partner for 10 years. I have never felt any reason not to trust him, and we have always had a good sex life and strong relationship generally.

Since about 15 weeks pregnant, he seems to have completely lost interest in me sexually. I know some men feel a bit uncomfortable having sex during pregnancy, which I totally understand and wouldn't force him, but even when I have tried to touch him or do other things I know he loves, he turns me down and seems almost grossed out.

About a month ago I confronted him about this, as we have gone from being intimate multiple times a week to not at all. I know my body has changed a lot, I already have a big bump (baby is measuring on the larger size!) and have been unwell throughout the pregnancy, but I am still trying to make an effort with my appearance as I have been feeling very self conscious. I also understand that a baby wiggling around all of the time isn't the biggest turn on. I told him it was upsetting me that he had been so distant, and I felt like he wasn't attracted to me anymore, but he assured me this wasn't the case, and that he just had a low sex drive at the moment, which I was understanding of and said I would leave him be until he feels ready or wants to be intimate.

Yesterday, I found out that he has been paying for live cam girls and entering sexual chat rooms on multiple occasions, and I honestly feel heartbroken. He admitted to it and got upset, and confessed to struggling with porn. I understand this is a genuine addiction, and it is something he hasn't spoken to anyone about before. He promised he wouldn't do it again, and I want to be understanding but I feel like my trust in him has just disappeared. It kind of just confirms to me that he isn't attracted to me at the moment, which is upsetting in itself, but I honestly feel like I've been cheated on. I know he hasn't physically cheated, but it feels like a huge betrayal of trust, and has left me feeling so horrible about myself and my appearance. It is hurtful because I have tried to fulfil his needs sexually, but have been repeatedly turned down, so knowing he has been paying for it elsewhere honestly makes me feel sick. It has also really hurt me as he knows how stressed I am about saving money for my maternity leave, but he has been spending money on this.

It has just planted so much doubt in my mind, what is to say it won't go further than this in the future? What if there is more that he hasn't told me? I'm also confused if I should feel this way, or if I am allowed to feel cheated on, or if I am overreacting. Has anyone experienced anything similar?

You feel like you've been cheated on because he has cheated on you.

Absolute red line for me. I could never forgive that. To me, it’s worse doing something like that to a live camera than even a dirty mag. It’s disgusting.

He thinks you are his property now you’re carrying his baby. He doesn’t need to make any effort with you and can go and find others.

OP I am in a very similar situation, and it's absolutely awful. Very very easy to say LTB but facing untangling love, hope, heartbreak, a life together and the crushing responsibility for children IRL is impossibly cruel.

My DP also stopped wanting intimacy when I started showing on our first. Gaslit the absolute shit out of me over it, had me apologising. It never really recovered, and after seeing his phone searches last week I discovered he has spent the last 4 years as a porn addict. Never paid, but watched, chatted and got into extreme categories looking for the next high that quite frankly make me sick.

I also consider this cheating.

I don't have any answers for you. Just solidarity because this is so cruel to go through postpartum and I think it would be hideous pregnant too. I booked in for counselling and would highly recommend - everyone will tell you what you should do online. But if it was their life can they be so confident they would know exactly what to do?

You are undereacting. Massively.

my thoughts (Not in order)

So its an addiction not just shit judgement and poor choices? How convenient....

Morally cam girls are objectionable / antifeminist. I wpuldnt want someone like this as a father to my child.

Imo its a form of cheating

Hes an absolute arsehole of the lowest order (cannoy stress this enough) to do this whipe you are pregnant / vulnerable. He has totally failed you.

You are about to go on mat leave and he is dicking the precious money you have up the wall on cam girls?
Porn is free.

How will you feel going back to work knowing the £200 or so he was spending on cam girls could have meant you spent time at home with your beautiful baby.

Ypu can never ever trust him again. Your relationship is DOA.

He has cheated on you, and you’re underreacting. I’m so sorry. What a pig.

he should be mortified. Do you think he’s blaming ‘sex ‘addiction’ to make you feel sorry for him? Nothing excuses him paying cam girls. Yuk.

Do you think you will be able to trust him again?

Yeah this isn’t ok.

I get why you feel this way I did when I was pregnant and my child’s father did this. We are no longer together.

How can anyone think this is reasonable behaviour?
So many women so successfully conditioned that men have their “needs”.
I’m sorry this happening to you.
We are all conditioned to varying degrees and it certainly took me to my fifties before I entirely saw through all the male bollocks which prevails.
You deserve better but it sounds like you won’t get it with this twat.

He’s been really selfish.
ifs easy for people to say you’re under reacting but you’re in such a vulnerable position. I had a partner become awful in a different way (emotionally abusive, controlling, critical, wall punching etc) when I was pregnant and I just didn’t feel like leaving was an option I just put loads of pressure on myself to change and fix things and manage him (he did do his best to convince me I was crazy and illogical too, which I kind of thought might be plausible as I knew I was so hormonal).
he walked out at 8 months pregnant. This was so traumatic but in hindsight it’s the best things that could have happened as I got to be loved and looked after in my postpartum time by my parents.

what you need to do now is make the situation work for YOU. Leave or kick him out if you can if you have alternative help. If you don’t have that option, use this guilt to make him put you in a better position. For a start, finally, he can start paying whatever he paid those girls into a savings account for you. He can make pension contributions when you’re on unpaid leave for you. He can give you a lump sum now to cover lost earnings during Mat leave and sell his possessions to do so if needed. This sounds ruthless but having money helps you feel less powerless. If it suits you to be married (eg if he has a lot more money and assets than you) then get him to prove he’s sorry by giving you this security of a registry office quick wedding before baby arrives. Don’t do this if you have more money than him.

be totally practical - if he will be helpful and good with the baby stay for a while so he can support but if you think you’d get better support recovering form
birth elsehwere go there.

stop worrying about his needs and feelings so much and get in touch with your own.

also please tell midwife. Mine was so so good at helpful me when I told her what I was going through

He is a cheat,turning his back on you,while he pays other women.his secrets have come out,he will not change.

It’s being pregnant you feel like there is no escape and you have to work with who you’re with and fix theme, whereas if you weren’t pregnant you’d leave

People advise women to LTB on here all the time, sometimes very unnecessarily. But in this case, he's taken the time that you're most vulnerable and he's shown you who he really is. His sex drive is more important to him than you are. Taking money that could clothe your baby to spend on cam girls.... seriously, you may be in shock but don't close your eyes to this.

And there is no such thing as sex addiction. That shit is spewed out by emotionally immmature men who think that their dicks will fall off if they don't have sex for 24 hours. Grim. I'm so sorry that he's done this to you.

I agree your are under reacting. He has a full blown porn addiction, these very rarely improve and can even lead into looking at illegal material. Because with addiction it pretty much always escalates into nightmare territory. I know this because I am a l recovered cocaine addict and my teenage son was groomed on the Internet to believe had was trans and fed porn by adult perverts from age 13…. and the police came bursting through the door a week after his 18th birthday. I can’t even begin to explain the horror and trauma this has caused my entire family.

porn is awful and the spike in addictions is directly linked to progression into more hardcore illegal material. It’s also linked to violence and the murder of women. I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man that uses porn or exploits women that are involved in sex work.

i would leave and never ever look back.

I agree with this - my experience is a few minutes ago upthread - it’s so hard to walk away at this extremely vulnerable time where you feel anyone at all is better than no one at all. Only people who have been betrayed during pregnancy understand.

my ex told me ‘I find your personality so unattractive that having sex with you would feel fake’ in the same week as he told me ‘I knew at a biological physical level that I had to make children with you as I was so attracted to you’ it was a confusing time!

Ps op I don’t think it’s about your appearance. Lots of men even have pregnancy kink.
It’s more than likely him having a childish reaction to not being the total centre of your world as you’re rightly giving more attention to yourself and the baby and the world doesn’t revolve around him and his wants (not needs) right now. So the easiest way to have this want met is to pay a woman to pretend to find him super interesting and sexy etc.

my bet is that before pregnancy the relationship revolved around him and what he liked to do, when he liked to do it etc ?

Is he prepared to put all income into a joint account so you can see exactly where the money goes?

Just to say I think it's a really good idea to try swap money for his guilt. Men like this don't hold on to guilt for long anyway, so may as well milk it for financial security while you can. I'm taking this tip and running with it.