He's been paying for cam girls while I'm pregnant - am I overreacting?

[ThatUmberNewt]

Looking for advice as I feel very hurt. I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and I have been with my partner for 10 years. I have never felt any reason not to trust him, and we have always had a good sex life and strong relationship generally.

Since about 15 weeks pregnant, he seems to have completely lost interest in me sexually. I know some men feel a bit uncomfortable having sex during pregnancy, which I totally understand and wouldn't force him, but even when I have tried to touch him or do other things I know he loves, he turns me down and seems almost grossed out.

About a month ago I confronted him about this, as we have gone from being intimate multiple times a week to not at all. I know my body has changed a lot, I already have a big bump (baby is measuring on the larger size!) and have been unwell throughout the pregnancy, but I am still trying to make an effort with my appearance as I have been feeling very self conscious. I also understand that a baby wiggling around all of the time isn't the biggest turn on. I told him it was upsetting me that he had been so distant, and I felt like he wasn't attracted to me anymore, but he assured me this wasn't the case, and that he just had a low sex drive at the moment, which I was understanding of and said I would leave him be until he feels ready or wants to be intimate.

Yesterday, I found out that he has been paying for live cam girls and entering sexual chat rooms on multiple occasions, and I honestly feel heartbroken. He admitted to it and got upset, and confessed to struggling with porn. I understand this is a genuine addiction, and it is something he hasn't spoken to anyone about before. He promised he wouldn't do it again, and I want to be understanding but I feel like my trust in him has just disappeared. It kind of just confirms to me that he isn't attracted to me at the moment, which is upsetting in itself, but I honestly feel like I've been cheated on. I know he hasn't physically cheated, but it feels like a huge betrayal of trust, and has left me feeling so horrible about myself and my appearance. It is hurtful because I have tried to fulfil his needs sexually, but have been repeatedly turned down, so knowing he has been paying for it elsewhere honestly makes me feel sick. It has also really hurt me as he knows how stressed I am about saving money for my maternity leave, but he has been spending money on this.

It has just planted so much doubt in my mind, what is to say it won't go further than this in the future? What if there is more that he hasn't told me? I'm also confused if I should feel this way, or if I am allowed to feel cheated on, or if I am overreacting. Has anyone experienced anything similar?

You’re undereacting.

Agree with the above poster. I couldn’t forgive this. You’ve also said ‘promised he wouldn’t again’ so it’s not the first time.

just because it’s an addiction doesn’t mean you have to stay. I left an alcoholic because he was ruining my life. He drank so much it killed him in his 40’s

The harbour haven’t kicked his sleazy arse out already says to me you’re underrating.

You certainly are 'allowed' to feel that this is cheating, because he's betrayed your trust when you really need him to support you wholeheartedly.

You’re massively under-reacting.

I’m so sorry 💐 you don’t deserve this.

Damned right.

I'd have completely lost my shit. It's not acceptable in any way. He should be ashamed of himself.

You’re not overreacting. What a pig
im sorry OP

If he is addicted to porn then either he needs to get professional help, as with any addiction, or else he will just continue along the path of addiction and the problems will become more and more extreme.

He has already cheated on you with other women by getting his sexual gratification from these cam girls while you are carrying his child.

I 'm sorry OP but you are living with a deeply messed up man. Do you really want to continue your relationship with him?

Completely out of order from him. You're both preparing for your first baby and he's spending money on cam girls instead of you/forthcoming baby - he really needs to grow up and get a grip. Its normal that sex life may change over pregnancy but really not on that he's pursuing camgirl gratification instead of intimacy with his partner at what should be a special time for you both.

Addicted or otherwise he needs to tell the whole truth and channel his energies into providing for you and baby, and recognise your genuine hurt over the camgirls.

You are under reacting.

What is your situation re the finances and property?.

I would give your child your surname rather than his and raise your child on your own. Once trust is gone it is nigh on impossible for it to return.

This.

You're underreacting.
'Struggling' with porn is he, the poor lamb? What kind of pig makes his pregnant wife feels she's the problem causing him to get his rocks off to cam girls? Grim.

Scummy bastard. I'm so sorry OP. I know the sheer pain and betrayal of this only too well, except I wasn't pregnant. He's unlikely to change so don't believe all the bleeding heart, grovelling promises he will undoubtedly make. And don't make it your mission to try to "cure" or understand his so called "addiction" (yeah right). Is there anyway you can kick his sorry arse out, or leave yourself?

He’s betrayed you. He’s kept secrets from you. He’s spent money when you are trying to save for mat leave. He’s disrespected you. He’s only promised not to do it again because you found out. He’s made you feel rejected and question your relationship while you’re vulnerable.

i couldn’t forgive this.

id be telling him to temporarily leave while you consider whether you want him in your future.

it’s time to rally round your friends and family that you trust and who will support you through this.

Vile and I would definitely class this as cheating. Your DP is a pathetic pig of a man

He HAS cheated on you. He’s had his sexual needs met elsewhere and left you feeling unattractive, insecure and rejected. And he’s spent money that would have been better saved for when the baby arrives.

You say you have been stressed about saving for mat leave - has he been saving too, or was he just going to leave it all to you?

You also talk about things not being a turn on for him, the things you’ve tried to do that you know he loves - it’s so sad that whilst you’ve been tying yourself in knots trying to please him and be understanding and giving and all those things, he’s done this.

It’s a massive betrayal, don’t listen to any more of his poor me I’m struggling bullshit - it’s self serving nonsense.

It would be the end for me, I know it’s not straightforward when you’re pregnant but this is who he is, it really doesn’t get better after something like this. You don’t have to make that decision now though, you do need some time and space on your own and some support from someone who has your best interests at heart - is there somewhere you can go for some space? Or will he leave and you get someone supportive round - your mum/ sister/ friend?

I would leave him solely for the financial problems he will cause you further down the ljne if this continues. There is a section in Rebel Finance School which discusses the problem of partners over spending. (I think it is week 4)

Who diagnosed him as a sex addict?

These guys who get caught cheating and claim addiction are a dime a dozen and do a real disservice to those that actually do struggle with addiction.

He's just a guy who spent money getting off to cam girls and I would consider that cheating.

There are men who aren't attracted to their partner when they're pregnant. But they take care of themselves if they're decent guys, not go run off and spend money on getting off on cam girls and in sex chats leaving you to save for your maternity leave. He was financially unfaithful too.

Do you have family or close friends nearby for support?

You're right to feel cheated on. And he has been withholding sex from you, unilaterally making that decision while ignoring your physical and emotional needs and causing you a lot of stress and unhappiness. It may not be at LTB level, but it is physical, he's interacted online, and it's definitely cheating.

What you do is up to you; this isn't an easy decision, especially given how far along you are. I'm sure someone will be along with resources, but I hope you can book a therapist to help you now, and to look at what your future options might be. If you decide to let him try to rebuild your trust, make sure he knows there's only one chance. Make sure you have somewhere to go and that he knows it. I wouldn't do it without lots of effort from him, and joint counseling, even it it's virtual.

And please, talk to a friend or a family member. You need support and it's HIS shame, not yours to bear. I'm so sorry he has done this to you, but remember you don't have to make permanent decisions now; there's time for that later.

Good luck with your baby. 🌹

This find your anger. Kick him out.

Massive under reaction. I would have no hesitation - the relationship is over. He's betrayed your trust at a time when you should expect the utmost loyalty.

And he's sleazy, frankly. I'd be so utterly filled with contempt for him that I couldn't look at him again.

It's not an addiction 🙄 and it is cheating. I'm sorry this has happened while you're pregnant and feeling particularly vulnerable. He should be looking after you, not paying to wank over sex workers. If I were you, I'd be walking away now otherwise you've got years of unhappiness ahead of you. Have you got good family support? Good friends?

sorry, I don’t believe in porn addiction

he’s a twat and it will only get worse now he feels that you’re going nowhere

This is horrible, he’s made you feel so rubbish about yourself during a time you should feel excited.

I agree with a pp, is he diagnosed as a sex addict? If not then is he willing to go to a gp to discuss it. If not then to me that relationship is over.

I would find it so hard to trust him again over this, I would doubt him and believe that he would go back to it as soon as he thought it was okay.

You need to focus on you and the baby just now. Have you to anyone irl who you can speak to? I would ask him to go stay elsewhere whilst you have time to think.

This is cheating to me, I don’t think I could ever get over this.