He's been paying for cam girls while I'm pregnant - am I overreacting?

[ThatUmberNewt]

Looking for advice as I feel very hurt. I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and I have been with my partner for 10 years. I have never felt any reason not to trust him, and we have always had a good sex life and strong relationship generally.

Since about 15 weeks pregnant, he seems to have completely lost interest in me sexually. I know some men feel a bit uncomfortable having sex during pregnancy, which I totally understand and wouldn't force him, but even when I have tried to touch him or do other things I know he loves, he turns me down and seems almost grossed out.

About a month ago I confronted him about this, as we have gone from being intimate multiple times a week to not at all. I know my body has changed a lot, I already have a big bump (baby is measuring on the larger size!) and have been unwell throughout the pregnancy, but I am still trying to make an effort with my appearance as I have been feeling very self conscious. I also understand that a baby wiggling around all of the time isn't the biggest turn on. I told him it was upsetting me that he had been so distant, and I felt like he wasn't attracted to me anymore, but he assured me this wasn't the case, and that he just had a low sex drive at the moment, which I was understanding of and said I would leave him be until he feels ready or wants to be intimate.

Yesterday, I found out that he has been paying for live cam girls and entering sexual chat rooms on multiple occasions, and I honestly feel heartbroken. He admitted to it and got upset, and confessed to struggling with porn. I understand this is a genuine addiction, and it is something he hasn't spoken to anyone about before. He promised he wouldn't do it again, and I want to be understanding but I feel like my trust in him has just disappeared. It kind of just confirms to me that he isn't attracted to me at the moment, which is upsetting in itself, but I honestly feel like I've been cheated on. I know he hasn't physically cheated, but it feels like a huge betrayal of trust, and has left me feeling so horrible about myself and my appearance. It is hurtful because I have tried to fulfil his needs sexually, but have been repeatedly turned down, so knowing he has been paying for it elsewhere honestly makes me feel sick. It has also really hurt me as he knows how stressed I am about saving money for my maternity leave, but he has been spending money on this.

It has just planted so much doubt in my mind, what is to say it won't go further than this in the future? What if there is more that he hasn't told me? I'm also confused if I should feel this way, or if I am allowed to feel cheated on, or if I am overreacting. Has anyone experienced anything similar?

It's not a porn video he's put on the tv/laptop/ipad to watch.

Reframe it as 'he's actually interacted via a videocall with women who are masturbating themselves in front of him while he wanks himself off over them'

Ask him what's the difference between doing it with a cam girl & doing it on a videocall with you?
When he says "you & me are in a relationship"
Tell him "exactly, you're not in a relationship with Luscious Lucy are you"
And then tell him if he still doesn't think it's cheating then he'll have no problem with you becoming a cam girl & getting your rocks off for strangers who pay to watch you whilst they're getting off themselves.

There's no way he can argue with that.

You’re nuts if you don’t dump this sleaze ball.

Off topic, I'm genuinely surprised the cam girls are still a thing.
Sad.
Please, get rid of him.

You are not over reacting. What on earth was he thinking?

I’m so sad for you. What a pig.
Pregnancy isn’t easy but it’s not so long that he shouldn’t be able to control himself.
I genuinely think this would be the end for me. What an absolute scum bag.

This is really sad. The facts are that the father of your baby is a complete cunt, and the sad bit is that you’re worried about what you’ve done wrong. You have been cheated on. And worse than that, he’s minimised and acted as if he’s the victim. And worse than that, this man is so deeply shallow, instead of celebrating the changes of your body that is growing his baby, he is upset because you don’t look like a porn doll.

if this was me op, I would have packed his bags for him already. And I would be doing some serious research in to myself as to how you didn’t spot this far sooner.

You have been with him 10 years, he obviously has no respect for you, even a total idiot would know that this is a betrayal of your trust, and is vile of him.
Whilst I was expecting my first child my now ex had an affair, I didn't know until I was 2 weeks post partum. I really feel for you. I always thought a planned pregnancy between two ppl in a long standing relationship would be lovely, I couldn't have been more wrong, mine was awful and he didn't deserve me or our baby. I didn't blame myself, he was a weak, pathetic excuse for a man. I was quite young and very naive and gave him a chance, he let me down lots more times. Don't let this be you, your partner lacks basic morals..
Good luck with your baby💕

It is cheating. If he had done this with a woman from work would you question it as cheating? Just because this woman only engaged in it because she wanted his money doesn’t diminish why he did it. In fact it makes it more pathetic that she’s not even interested in him. Ultimately he was attracted to her and wanted to be sexual with her. And he chose this over you.

If he wanted sex with you but kept getting turned down, and his porn habits spiralled until he ended up watching a cam girl — but sincerely regretted it, proving this by seeking help and making active changes then perhaps it’s forgivable. But that’s not what has happened here. This betrayal is hard to come back from. It’s on him to show you how he’s going to make you feel safe again. If he can’t then you will resent him and the relationship is doomed once resentment and distrust sets in.

My ex-husband had an "innocent" porn addiction. I should have ended things the minute I found out, but we were very newly married and I felt embarrassed about ending my marriage so quickly. So I stuck it out for two years, trying to support him and help him through it. What I learned the hard way is that porn addiction is often a slippery slope—over time, people can need more extreme or darker material to get the same effect. In his case, that escalation led to something I never could have imagined: I discovered he had been secretly filming me with hidden spy cameras because that turned him on. That was when I finally had the sense to end it. Thankfully we didn’t have any children together, but it was still a truly horrible situation. So I really do feel for you, because I’ve been there.

I never regretted ending it for a second by the way. I now have a wonderful family with far more wonderful man.

Oh come on! He gets caught doing something he knows he shouldn’t be doing and he’s instantly played his Get Out Of Jail Free card aka “I’ve got a porn addiction”. I’m calling BS. He’s spinning you this rubbish so that you don’t give him a hard time/dump him/see him for the pathetic specimen he is. The reality is that he has disrespected you whilst you are pregnant with his child. You deserve better than this, and I can guarantee that if you let him off the hook he’ll do the same or worse next time…and trust me, there definitely will be a next time.

Can girls interact with you, so it is cheating

I agree. ‘I can’t help it it’s an addiction’ is the pathetic script trotted out by every man caught wanking on a FaceTime with someone other than his partner.

They’re not addicted to porn they’re selfish lying cheating piece of shit sleaze buckets who think with their dick.

So sorry that you are going through this particularly at 31 weeks pregnant.

I hope you have support irl. I echo what others have said this isn't ok, a quick wank fine but paying for and interacting with sex workers even just online no.

Best wishes whatever you decide .

THIS OP!!

I was married to someone like that, untreated porn addiction that kept getting worse and worse until one day, when I was 9 months pregnant, we got a knock from the police - he had accessed images of children.

spars yourself the trauma

I agree with those saying you are under-reacting! This would be relationship ending for me personally.

You are massively under reacting.

You have been cheated on, multiple times.

And sex addiction is a heap of hooey.

He decided he was entitled to use the bodies of other women for his gratification and has checked out of the relationship with you.

A selfish, entitled, misogynistic liar.

How did you find out??
He will say it’s a problem to get himself off the hook and he will play on it!! There’s no such thing. You can guarantee this isn’t a new thing too.

Agree with other posters. You’re completely under-reacting. Sex/porn addiction is a very convenient excuse for those who get caught cheating and they’ll “never do it again…” translates to “I’ll never get caught again” (and 9/10 they do still get caught anyway they are that stupid and selfish) and they magically seem to be cured of their addiction just by stopping, no ongoing therapy or treatment necessary. Yeah bloody right.

I say this as someone who has had two children in the last 4 years (the youngest is 5 months old). What you go through as a woman physically, mentally and emotionally isn’t even something you can describe to someone who hasn’t been through it. You are so, so vulnerable right now and for a long time after too. What you need more than anything from your partner is someone right there with you, someone who still sees you for who you are under all the changes and loves you regardless, someone who builds you up and cheers you on. This is not it.

I have hard days with my children where I feel like I don’t know how I could manage without my husband, but hand on heart I could say if this happened to me and I found out he’d been doing this then he would be gone. Being a single mum would be so hard, but between my new body, my hair literally shedding, sleepless nights, leaky boobs, other “interesting” bodily changes, and all whilst trying to come to terms with my new identity, I’d be damned before I’d create space in my already hectic life and brain for doubting someone else’s feelings, feeling like I needed to check his devices for further evidence of betrayal, feeling unworthy or unattractive or in anyway “not enough”.
So I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation, but when the trust has been broken so utterly at a time when trust and security is everything, I honestly don’t know how you could get back from this.

He admitted to it and got upset, and confessed to struggling with porn

Dear Lord.

He's not struggling with porn. He's putting his own desires above your emotional wellbeing. It's that simple. Don't fall into the trap of pathologising this. If he wanted to, he could have just masturbated, but he chose to make contact with other women.

I know he hasn't physically cheated, but it feels like a huge betrayal of trust, and has left me feeling so horrible about myself and my appearance

Yes you are allowed to feel cheated on. I call his actions adulterous behaviour. It may not be a singular in-person incident or affair, but it's adulterous behaviour nevertheless.

The reason why it's so damaging to trust is because you suddenly have to totally reformulate the way you think about that person. You know the damage is serious or permanent if someone asked you - 'Based on what you now know about him, about what he was going to do when he was pregnant, would you have consented to being in a relationship with him'? , and your answer is 'no'.

He's not attracted to you anymore, which is another major issue that I'm not sure can be repaired.

Is it a genuine addiction? Is it really? Presumably he’s seen porn before this and hasn’t become addicted so what has changed? All that’s happened is you’ve been ‘decommissioned’ so to speak (because some men do get turned off by pregnancy and I think that is ok, they can’t help that but they should handle it in a respectful, communicative way) and so he’s decided he needs someone else to get his rocks off to. Because his orgasms are more important than his wife’s security and happiness and his child’s financial security.

He sees women as comodities to be bought and traded imo. And if it IS an addiction as he says then he’s unlikely to be able to just stop with ease… so he will just keep doing it.

Nothing about this says genuine addiction, but it certainly will be if you’re going to be so understanding. I’d tell him I’ve tried and tried to be understanding but I’m pregnant and growing our baby and you’ve been rejecting me sexually to go wank with other women and I want you to leave. This isn’t a marriage I want to be in nor a man I want our child to grow up in the same house as his dad and mums partner. You’re not my partner, you’ve rejected me and found someone else at the time you should be most supportive you selfish fucker. Please go, or I’ll tell everyone.

He can't put you first for 5 months whilst your belly grows. He should be supporting you instead he's wasting money youight need for baby on paying someone else for sex you would willingly provide for him. There would be no way back for me from this betrayal. I'd tell him to stick to paying for sex because he won't be getting any more from you. Bin him off. He's shown you who he is and what's important to him and it's not you and his baby.

My god he would be out the door. Utterly disgusting selfish man. Sorry but this man made a baby with you and now shows such little respect. I mean fine him sorting himself out but cam girls and paying too it's cheating and completely disgusting. Sorry but you need to dump him this is dreadful he doesn't deserve a place in your life.

It is cheating though, he's paid for a sex service. Really sorry OP but I agree with others who have said you're under reacting.