He’s hurt me. Now what

[NowWhatScared]

NC for this, though I am a long term poster. I don’t want this to be linked to any of my previous threads or comments just whilst I work through my feelings.

This evening whilst we were eating tea, watching some documentary, I said something as a joke - I honestly can’t remember what I said - and my DP grabbed my wrist and squeezed and squeezed and squeezed. I’m slim, and my wrist is easily wrapped in his entire hand.

I immediately said ow, because it was hurting so much, and tried to pull my arm free which granted may have made it hurt more. I said “ow, ow ow you’re really hurting me ow, ow” before he finally let go.

I said “that hurt so much” and when I looked at my wrist, I could see a red mark (I think that part will bruise) where his thumb was pressing in as well as 3 red lines from where his fingers were squeezing in.

DP got up to take the plates in to the kitchen, and I sat quietly. Usually I am completely non frontational and in the past (previous relationships) I wouldn’t ever mention it again. However, I told him that really hurt. He said he was joking. I pointed out the bruise mark and said you don’t hurt someone that much, squeeze them to the point of bruising, just as a joke. He said he squeezed my hand harder than that upstairs earlier (no memory of this from me) and I said no, you have never hurt me like that.

I wasn’t getting anywhere so I came upstairs. DP eventually came up and said “give me a kiss then”, I said “no, I don’t want to give you a kiss when you’ve hurt me like that”. He said “whatever then”, and went downstairs in a mood.

Now I’m sat in the bath just thinking it over. I don’t know if I have overreacted - I was previously in a physically abusive relationship, my ex partner went to prison and then killed himself with a note admitting his abuse, so I am conscious this may skew my reaction to this incident this evening. My DP knows all of this.

My DP otherwise is the kindest, caring man. He does everything for me, he’s like a big soft teddy bear and until this evening I wouldn’t have thought he’d ever hurt me. I’m spiralling because we’ve just booked the last supplier for our wedding, it’s just a waiting game now, and I’m scared this is the top of a slippery slope down back into abuse. But that could be my past experiences talking.

Until now, I’ve never had an issue like this with DP. But I can’t get over the fact he not only could physically hurt me in such a way to bruise (again, maybe I’m overreacting) but also his reaction - before this, I’d have thought if he’d ever accidentally hurt me he’d have been mortified and try make it right. But instead tonight, he’s downstairs sulking and somehow I’m in the wrong for speaking up and telling me he hurt me, he hasn’t even apologised and I’m not sure he thinks he even needs to.

I’m maybe judging this too much based on my past abuse, but is this normal? Was it just playful and I’ve blown it up, maybe he’s embarrassed. I don’t know if I should be waiting for an apology or making an apology. My arm hurts and I’m sad to even be writing this thread.

and you might find that your own family are not quite as surprised as you expect them to be. people who love you can get a feeling about people and relationships without ever being sure enough to speak opening about concerns.

Why the hell are you desperately thinking up excuses for this POS

This wrist grab is a try out to see if he can get away with violence. Its a massive red flag.
He is basically telling you who and what he is. There is no other explanation for it.
If you go ahead with the wedding it says to him........I will let you treat me badly and will escalate.
You need to tell him the wedding is not going ahead because you no longer feel safe.
Ive been there. I know how it works.

the fact he has any violent bone in his body. It would shock anybody who knows him.

Well that's how they get away with it & why the women they abuse stay.

But your family/friends would support you/believe you/help you to leave wouldn't they?

Yes that’s so true and if they love you the they will support you no matter what you decide

Remember that man that shot his wife and child, and then himself, or the man who killed his pregnant wife in Glasgow. All the 'he was such a nice guy' comments from everyone.

I’d have left already and started looking at house shares. Zero tolerance for domestic violence whether it was a deliberate push, wrist grab or punch in the face, there’s no low level in my book. It either is or it isn’t violence.

What stands out to me is not just that he hurt you (and I'm struggling to see where the humour was in squeezing your wrist? At what point was everyone supposed to be laughing?) but his 'whatever' attitude to being told he had hurt you. He should have been contrite, apologised profusely, tried to make it up to you by bringing you frozen peas for it or the like. Instead he seems to be reacting sullenly. This would seem to indicate that he either hurt you intentionally, or that it was 'an accident' (most likely deliberate on a subconscious level) but he doesn't care.

Try to imagine this incident hadn't happened between you 2 at all, but between your mother and her other half, or your daughter and hers, or your best friend and hers. What would you advise them to do?

Op, what’s your line in the sand?

How much do you tolerate before you say ‘enough’?

it isn’t bruising
it isn’t ignoring you say owch clearly while still hiring you
it isn’t denying your experience

so what is it?

I promise you, this is just the start. You’ve been in an abusive situation before so you know this is true.

Partners love their abusers. Fact. So your love doesn’t mean anything here.

If you ignore this, your future will look like this:

1. more abuse
2. worse abuse
3. if you have children in the future, they will be scarred by witnessing the abuse or receiving it as well

You feel trapped by wages and housing, and what people will think.

I ended a relationship and felt so worried about money. Yet 2 years on I’m much better financially - I still don’t really know how. It looked grim to start with though. You’ll be alright. People always are. If you feel trapped now, imagine how much more with children.

And as for what people think? The sooner you learn to put that one down the better for you (and the children you haven’t got yet).

Weddings cost a lot. Use the money to get out of debt. Life goes on. You’re going to be ok.

For all the reasons you have ignored in OP’s post

he is usually kind and lovely/nowhere to go/people would not believe her etc etc

Having been through trying to protect a pregnant mother and child from someone who

blocks mother to be’s phone so she cannot call him in an emergency to control her - and when she has suffered many miscarriages and was going through a high risk pregnancy.

The mother to be said she could not let him help with hormone injections because he was always so angry with her, she feared he would hurt her

She said she cannot talk when he shouts at her

She had an incident (which I will not repeat here) where she said he made her feel humiliated, dirty and degraded.

The gorgeous baby was born and bully boy was shouting at him plus he said his week old baby hated him.

etc etc

I said leave (obviously) and was helping in that - and told bully boy I was going to tell the world which I did. The police arrested me for harassment. Page after page of what a wonderful guy this is. I have texts etc but these have been ignored.

So, to summarise, if he really is kind and caring and this is the first incident then OP needs to make it clear it never happens again. It is weird and worrying behaviour I agree and I hope she confides in someone.

If, after this one incident she leaves him and he tells everyone it was a stupid joke that he bitterly regrets (come on you know me I’d never hurt her), her supporters are likely to back off and blame her.

My sympathy for the mother in my story evaporated and now apparently he is husband/father of the year - yet they are subjecting poor child to a relationship with supporters/perpetrators of child/young adult molestation.

I like to believe the truth will out.

Meanwhile, maybe you would like to offer to pay for a nice flat somewhere if you are so concerned OP needs to get out now.

I have been pushed around in the past and treated appalling,but I know if my partner did something nasty like that for no reason I would know, that it was to be horrible for whatever reason,and I would walk,that is the start of it,and god knows what else to come.get out while you can,you are worth so much more.all the best x

This! He's testing your boundaries to see what you will put up with. Nip it in the bud now otherwise it will escalate. If you haven't already, take a picture of it. And please don't marry this creature, he isn't kind, kind people don't do what he has.

The first time is always a one off. It can’t be anything else. He assaulted you, and he then tried to gaslight you. All at a point he thinks you’re “ trapped “ It’s classic abuser behaviour. However nice he is, whether he is aware of it, whatever the “ reasons/excuses “ may be.

He may be the nicest man in the world , the world might agree. He has physically assaulted you, and no, you’re not safe. It’s easier to pretend, to appease, to ignore etc . But it’s not safe, and in the longer term much more difficult than getting out now.

Please speak to WA, do the Freedom Programme ( again if needed ). Don’t let it go, or you’ll be right back where you were before. Not all abusers present in the same way, remember that.

Put all thoughts of weddings , housing difficulties, money and family reactions put of your head for now. They will keep.

What you really need to get to the bottom of, is no so much the act itself but his reaction to your reaction. It's possible that it started as a joke and he then got some sort of kick out of hurting you or holding power over you.
It's possible his reaction is one of embarrassment or denial.

I don't see any element of overreaction on your part. If you'd never been subjected to violence in the past would your reaction be that different?

You need to really hold firm and make it clear that life will not be returning to normal and this will not be glossed over or dropped until he has at the very least explained himself (and maybe not even then). He needs to tell you why he did it, what he was thinking, why he didn't stop when he could see he was hurting you, and most importantly why he wasn't sorry.

I'm not suggested that the answers will provide justification or a reason to stay with him, but if you are going to take an informed decision as to your future and not be second guessing yourself you need to understand what was going on.

He really needs to understand the seriousness of this. If he doesn't or can't, that's very important for you to know.
Inflicting violence is never a joke.

For all the reasons you have ignored in OP’s post
he is usually kind and lovely/nowhere to go/people would not believe her etc etc

I would have thought that the first & last reasons are immaterial.

The 2nd isn't insurmountable especially with Op's salary.

Haven't read full thread as rushing but didn't want to not reply....

I really hate the posts that tell the OP to LTB because their husband breathed wrong and similar rubbish - but honestly this is NOT that ... You need to seriously consider your future. Your gut knows what to do - please listen to it. Leaving might feel insurmountable but staying with someone who would knowingly hurt you and then not even acknowledge it or apologise is much much worse. Good luck x

All of this. However, I think it's absolutely irrelevant whether the deposit(s) are refundable or not. I would rather lose any amount of money than be tied to a man like this.

A partner who knows your past should not be behaving this way, period. You know this. You know it.

Not only the wrist squeezing / being scarily physical / trapping you, but the gaslighting and refusing to take accountability.

Either he's testing to see what he can get away with now that you're on the track to marriage, OR he's simply embarrassed and doesn't want to admit any wrongdoing in case you think of him as similar to your ex and leave him.

But either way, definitely do not let this slide. Whatever you decide to do in the long term, you absolutely need to make it clear that two things are absolutely unacceptable to YOU, as a person, and that is: 1) any kind of forceful, painful, restrictive physicality; and 2) lack of sincere apology and validation when you express upset.

Do not let these things slide. Seriously.

Also, as someone who has also been in an abusive relationship in the past myself, I'm well aware that I might be more sensitive about certain things. But because of this, I can only do well with a partner who is high on gentleness, empathy, and accountability. I do really badly with partners who invalidate, and I have left people over it before, even when I love them. So you have to make sure that if you are going to stay with this man, let along marry him, he is capable of taking accountability when he does something bang out of line.

It's NOT your previous abuse making you "too sensitive". Your reaction is completely valid, irrespective of any prior abuse; and given that you were abused in the past, your partner should be someone who behaves in a way that makes you feel completely safe. Nothing else will do - point blank, period.

Remember OP that the man you love doesn't really exist. He was wearing a mask and that mask has now slipped to reveal the real him.
The longer you stay, the harder it'll be to leave, so start prepping right now. You can get a room in a shared house while you figure out your long term options.
Keep us posted. I have an idea we're all rooting for you.

I am sure they would be even more shocked in 3 years time when you are in hospital when he has harmed you more or a future child taken off you as you are not in a safe environment.
But you do you. If he is so wonderful and you are so in love go ahead and marry him. He is 'human and makes mistakes right'?
Bollocks. Leave him today. Forget about what other people think and get yourself to safety.

This is physical abuse snd you know it

a joke is where both of you are laughing and if an injury is sustained he is extremely apologetic and you don’t feel conflicted afterwards

he was not sorry in the slightest and added moody into the bargain which in itself is a form of control and deeply unsexy

"If, after this one incident she leaves him and he tells everyone it was a stupid joke that he bitterly regrets (come on you know me I’d never hurt her), her supporters are likely to back off and blame her."

Well then they're not supporters, are they?

OP, it DOES NOT MATTER what he might say about the incident to others.
It DOES NOT MATTER what others might think about it.

YOU are the one in danger.

It might seem impossible to call off a wedding, or find somewhere else to live. But people do it every day - and it's a hell of a lot less difficult than trying to do it AFTER you're married.

You do not deserve a single instance of abuse. Even a one-off is one too many.

Please OP - find the courage to leave him.

Except he DOES have a violent bone in his body because he’s been violent to you!

ffs woman listen to the people on this thread and get out!

Agree- the wedding deposits are NOTHING compared to what you could lose being married to a violent man.