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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am not able to do any wedding preparations right now.

145 replies

FranBaby · 27/01/2026 15:59

Can I get some advice please. I am engaged to a fantastic man. We don't have any dates set as of yet. He is a good person. He wasn't sto move ahead and view venues and book a date. He booked a viewing for this week without even consulting with me. If he asked me I would have said not right now. You see I am dealing with a lot of crap.

  1. my work is being a pain in the f*cking ass. Simple as that. I will be lucky if I am even allowed a day off this week. I am scheduled for Monday to Friday work as per usual but I am required to stay late on Wednesday night and Friday night. I am required to attend a first day training on Saturday morning. Then go back into work on Saturday evening a do a live in stint into Sunday. So I don't even get a day off.

I am exploring changing jobs into factory work because I can't keep going on like this.

2). My mother is aging and there is a lot of executive functioning issues happening with her. There are so many things and it's all so stressful.

Then there are some other things too. Me and my partner we work two very different schedules. I typically work Monday to Friday. He works in a bar. So whenever I do get days off, they never fall on his days off. Also we don't sleep together any more and sexual intimacy is gone.

He booked a viewing for Friday morning thinking I would be off and I am not and he never consulted with me. I am facing a weekend of exhaustion from my work.

OP posts:
TeenToTwenties · 27/01/2026 16:01

Talk to him.
Talking is important for a marriage.

Original poster
FranBaby · 27/01/2026 16:02

My mother dumped a huge task on me this morning while all she did was harague me on top of it all.

OP posts:
2026willbebetter · 27/01/2026 16:02

You’ve got bigger issues than looking at a wedding venue.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/01/2026 16:03

Don't marry a man you have no intimacy with op.

noidea69 · 27/01/2026 16:03

Have you explain this to him that you currently have too much going on to want to spend time looking at wedding venues etc?

Is there perhaps an underlying issue that means you dont actually want to get married? If someone could wave a magic and all the perfect wedding arrangements were made & wedding was to happen this weekend, would you be pleased or gutted?

Macadamian · 27/01/2026 16:03

So...
You don't communicate well.
You don't spend much time together.
You don't have sex.

I would fix these things first, then get married. The key is the first one!

Original poster
FranBaby · 27/01/2026 16:03

TeenToTwenties · 27/01/2026 16:01

Talk to him.
Talking is important for a marriage.

I did tslk to him kinda. I told him not this week. I am busy.

He knows I am busy but I don't think he can comprehend it. He knows I have concerns about my mother but again he doesn't understand it. I have years of observations that are executive functioning issues and he doesn't take me seriously because it's not a memory loss she's showing.

OP posts:
metalbottle · 27/01/2026 16:04

It doesn't sound like a great relationship - do you want to get married? And (kindly) you need to grow a backbone with your Mum. Put it in writing to her in an email (or F2F if she doesn't do email) that this is the amount of help you can offer (couple of phone calls a week, visit every other week or whatever) and no more.

fruitbrewhaha · 27/01/2026 16:06

But your mother’s declining health isn’t a reason you can’t get married. The opposite really. A lot of people speed up wedding prep in order for aging loved ones to be able to attend.

If you normally have Friday mornings off it’s hardly a big deal that he arranged a viewing for this time.

It sounds like you don’t want to marry him. You probably shouldn’t if you’re not intimate anymore.

Original poster
FranBaby · 27/01/2026 16:07

noidea69 · 27/01/2026 16:03

Have you explain this to him that you currently have too much going on to want to spend time looking at wedding venues etc?

Is there perhaps an underlying issue that means you dont actually want to get married? If someone could wave a magic and all the perfect wedding arrangements were made & wedding was to happen this weekend, would you be pleased or gutted?

I do want to marry him. However there's an issue that I also need to sort out regarding my finances and I need to make an appointment to get a clearer picture of my financial situation. He doesn't know this bit.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 27/01/2026 16:09

Why do you want to marry him?

fruitbrewhaha · 27/01/2026 16:09

So you don’t have sex and you don’t share your financial info with him either.

Why haven’t you told him about your finances?

Original poster
FranBaby · 27/01/2026 16:09

fruitbrewhaha · 27/01/2026 16:06

But your mother’s declining health isn’t a reason you can’t get married. The opposite really. A lot of people speed up wedding prep in order for aging loved ones to be able to attend.

If you normally have Friday mornings off it’s hardly a big deal that he arranged a viewing for this time.

It sounds like you don’t want to marry him. You probably shouldn’t if you’re not intimate anymore.

You have no idea how much stress is happening from her.

OP posts:
noidea69 · 27/01/2026 16:09

FranBaby · 27/01/2026 16:07

I do want to marry him. However there's an issue that I also need to sort out regarding my finances and I need to make an appointment to get a clearer picture of my financial situation. He doesn't know this bit.

Show quote history

You need to be honest & upfront with the guy you are marrying shouldnt you?

Bit of a red flag that you arent honest with him.

fruitbrewhaha · 27/01/2026 16:10

FranBaby · 27/01/2026 16:09

You have no idea how much stress is happening from her.

Show quote history

Are you getting support for her? Social services? Her GP?

Original poster
FranBaby · 27/01/2026 16:10

Every day and every week is different regarding my time off. He just presumed I would be off on Friday morning. Sometimes I am. I am not this week.

OP posts:
justtheotheronemrswembley · 27/01/2026 16:11

FranBaby · 27/01/2026 16:07

I do want to marry him. However there's an issue that I also need to sort out regarding my finances and I need to make an appointment to get a clearer picture of my financial situation. He doesn't know this bit.

Show quote history

Do you have debts?

HHCrochetDiva · 27/01/2026 16:12

So you’re not open about finances, he refuses to understand the issues with your mother, you have no intimacy and your not having sex, you barely see each other and you think getting married is a good idea?!!!…….you need to be able to talk to him and have him listen, you should not be getting married with all these negatives going on. You need to communicate more or you are heading for disaster.

Original poster
FranBaby · 27/01/2026 16:12

fruitbrewhaha · 27/01/2026 16:10

Are you getting support for her? Social services? Her GP?

Show quote history

No I am getting no support. I am coming to realise that she needs a nursing home and can't be at home alone. She is able to get up and dress herself and prepare small light meals but there is a lot of behavioural issues and executive functioning issues. I have a list the length of my arm.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 27/01/2026 16:14

Ok, so perhaps that was the time given by the venue and he was a bit rash to agree to it without checking with you.

Perhaps just tell him you can’t do Friday, if he wants to have a look without you he can other wise it will need to be another time.

Get him to help you work out what to do with your mother. You need outside support? Is there any other family that needs to be involved in the conversation? Speak to social services or her GP. Get a plan together for her care whether at home or moving into a care home. You can’t do it all.

Original poster
FranBaby · 27/01/2026 16:15

justtheotheronemrswembley · 27/01/2026 16:11

Do you have debts?

Show quote history

Yes, I think there was a mistake made in tax. I am embarrassed and ashamed and I need to get help. I want to get a clearer picture of what I am facing.

OP posts:
metalbottle · 27/01/2026 16:16

FranBaby · 27/01/2026 16:12

No I am getting no support. I am coming to realise that she needs a nursing home and can't be at home alone. She is able to get up and dress herself and prepare small light meals but there is a lot of behavioural issues and executive functioning issues. I have a list the length of my arm.

Show quote history

Stop now. Phone her to chat but stop doing any issues around the house etc, stop keeping her safe. Phone social services, tell them that she is unsafe at home, you are unable to do any caring at all and that they need to do an urgent assessment. Do not let yourself be bullied into being part of the care plan.

fruitbrewhaha · 27/01/2026 16:18

FranBaby · 27/01/2026 16:15

Yes, I think there was a mistake made in tax. I am embarrassed and ashamed and I need to get help. I want to get a clearer picture of what I am facing.

Show quote history

And talk to him about this.

Talking about your problems really does help you work them out. That’s what a marriage is about. Working together through problems.

Maybe if you can share more of these issues with him you may find the relationship gets better. Perhaps he feels you pulling away because you’re stressed. Lean into him.

FriendsWithoutBenefits12 · 27/01/2026 16:19

He might be a good person but he's not the right person for you to spend the rest of your life with

End the relationship

Speak to SS about Mum

Sort out your own finances

Incalescent · 27/01/2026 16:20

FranBaby · 27/01/2026 16:07

I do want to marry him. However there's an issue that I also need to sort out regarding my finances and I need to make an appointment to get a clearer picture of my financial situation. He doesn't know this bit.

Show quote history

But why would you even contemplate marrying someone you don't seem to communicate well with, who doesn't understand your key concerns about your mother and work, whose schedule doesn't align with yours, from whom you're hiding your debts, and with whom you no longer have sex?