he "flipped"

[GiItABitMaerWelly]

Looking for a handhold here, I guess..
I am in shock by what happened when I stayed over at my boyfriend's.
We'd argued and he'd just said that he just wants to be friends with me. I was sat on the bed watching TV and sniffling a bit and he was sat on the futon, doomscrolling. It was a horrible atmosphere.
Eventually I said something along the lines of "Oh I wish I was just at home right now". Then he leapt up and just went totally berserk at me.

He started yelling "You wanna leave? Then get the FUCK outta my house, you fucking piece of SHIT! NOW! Right now!" And starts sort of clapping his hands in a really crazy way. And all the time he's saying "Motherfucker! Get the FUCK out!!!!! You fucking piece of shit!" For a split second I thought he was joking but he wasn't.
I have never seen anyone so angry in my life, it was absolutely terrifying.
He started grabbing all my clothes out of the wardrobe and stuffing them into my handbag and I was trying to get changed and also kind of keep out of his way because he was scaring me so much.

It was gone midnight and I didn't have anywhere to stay and he lives in a really rough area so I didn't want to be walking the streets till it was dawn.

Then he stopped yelling and started muttering about how he's an idiot for believing a relationship would work, that he's been done again, he looks at me and told me that I am a really dreadful human, a really horrible person. He kept saying it over and over "you know that? You are really horrible". And just looking at me with total disgust.

Eventually I kind of calmed him down and we went to sleep. Next day he said he'd got upset because I had hurt his feelings because he had brought me a cup of tea and a snack and I'd seemed ungrateful for this by saying I wanted to be at home.

It had all begun when I had said I didn't want to get married to him, he has been pushing this fantasy where we get married but he doesn't want me to tell anyone till we've done it. His other big idea is that we buy doer-upper in the countryside.

Then later on he started saying I have loads of problems, loads of baggage, that he should never have joined Bumble in the first place. He kept saying over and over that I have a lot of problems, too many problems in fact and he can't cope with my constant negativity. He finds solutions and I am just a big ball of negative energy.
Then that was when he said he wanted to help me but as a friend.

I had said I just want a boyfriend at this point in time and not marriage.

He knows I have been in abusive relationships in the past and has got really sulky when he has scared or triggered me because he is not like that. We parted on good terms but only after I had listed all my faults too because it was wasn't fair of me to just say how he had upset me and I was like perfect or something.

There is no coming back from this, is there?

Thank you for the messages all the people who have written them 🫶

It was sort of a rhetorical question in that I know there is no coming back now as he has crossed a line. I know that there is no coming back from this as I can't unsee what he has done.

I am trying really hard to slow-fade but it isn't working. I guess maybe he thinks he has put too much time into it all and is too invested to leave me alone now. I really want him to get bored and move on.

@myotheraccountsa I am really sorry about what happened to you - I think damaging property like that must have been terrifying xx and to find out about the young "girlfriend"

This guy has also wanted to have a baby and has been suggesting this from really early on; ridiculously early on like after six weeks or something.

Neither of you sound right for each other. He’s acting crazy and you’re wanting something casual whilst he’s wanting something more serious. Plenty more men out there.

Because hes an abuser and a child is a tie to leash his control to you. Be proud that you recognised that for the red flag it is

You need to be really brave and do a hard cut off. You think its a slow fade, he thinks youre coming round.

The uncertainty of whether youre under his control or not will increase his paranoia and volatile behaviour and put you in danger.

Despite how it feels, the sensible thing is to cut it immediately dead if there are no ties that need planning for. Please seek advice from women's aid, stay safe

Him saying he doesn’t hit women means nothing, I’m afraid. I know from personal experience “I’m not a woman-beater” but he was a liar, gaslighter, stalker, strangler and had in fact beaten women.

OP my heart hurts for you. There are some comments about ‘giving your head a wobble’ and ‘you’ve been told multiple times to call the police, why haven’t you’. I just want you to know that there are some of us who understand.

It can be that in this situation we are scared - we KNOW we need to get out but there are still niggling thoughts of ‘but he can also be so kind’, ‘I love him’ etc. I wish I’d left at the first sign of trouble. I wanted it to work so badly, I abandoned myself and made excuses for everything. Including gaslighting myself that he could change - that way I wouldn’t have to take the terrifying step of completely ending it.

You know you have to break with him, it's a case of change your phone number, and change your locks (if he ever had access) and tell anyone you live with not to let him in.
You can't let an unbalanced person run your life through fear, you really need to talk to someone about how you form relationships and the standards you set.

Yes that was a bit of a dumb comment from me! Don’t know why I assumed he’d be telling the truth. I was just wondering what he could have done to the previous girlfriend/s that he described as evil and OP described as horrifying, but it wasn’t violent

@Parsleyforme I think it shows how the first instinct is to believe, to be honest! I’ve tied myself in knots trying to reconcile what I’ve been told with what I’ve seen with my own eyes or felt in my gut x

He’s Fucking nuts , stay miles away from him !!!

I’ll give you some advice going forward, never speak of past relationships with someone you are dating , going out with , whatever ..

From your post you sound vulnerable, you were with an abuser , this guy is the same as the last ..
I’m saying this very kindly .
I wouldn’t be getting into any relationships with anyone until you work on yourself OP .
Counselling , be confident & happy in yourself before you invite a man into your life , otherwise you will keep getting involved with the same pricks ..x

Would you even want to come back from it? Jeez start running and don’t stop, he is mentally unstable.

First post nails it again…

He may not have hit you but he is an abuser cut all contact move on never go back Spend some time single work on your self worth and build yourself a happy life

Thank you for writing this. It means so much.
Yeah there is niggling doubts on occasion that I have felt over the last week although I definitely know it needs to end.
I think that is such a great phrase "I abandoned myself" because that is exactly what I have done, I have allowed myself to be gradually cut off from friends and family, missed meeting up with friends so I could see him etc. Not gone to my hobbies or meet-ups etc.

@GiItABitMaerWelly

Please check out the freedom program online course, it’s very affordable.

He is manipulative, abusive, and controlling. All the flags are there….

If you’re too scared to end it, please seek advice from Domestic Abuse services, and do what you can to protect yourself and to be safe from him. Report to the police. And please never see, and ideally have any contact with, him EVER again!

Good luck and stay safe!

Have a nice time away.

Yeah it was a real red flag and I wish I had listened to my gut as no normal man would say that. He was comparing himself to his parents.

Dont look back

in anger

Eee that's so creepy!
I would have booked it for the hills right then and there! You know in future. They shouldn't be bringing that up for YEARS. Tbh I'd find it insulting if they hadn't put a ring on my finger first. Imo that's a red flag as it's disrespectful AF. But maybe some people would disagree. But they definitely shouldn't be talking about having babies with you, as in 'let's do it's, for a couple of years.

Just a heads up too, try not to mention that your previous partners have been abusive to new partners. Even if you add that you removed them, it doesn't make you seem tough to anyone abusive, it just makes them think ',hmm she could still have hang ups I can exploit from those times'. If they ask about your ex's in dating you say nothing more than 'Oh they just weren't right for me. I don't settle for people that aren't. Life is too short'. You make it clear you have high standards. If they ask specifically about abuse, run, they are fishing to see if you are a suitable victim.

Forget boyfriends.
Start looking after and finding out about you by yourself .
You will only find happiness and confidence in yourself by learning to be by yourself.
Gain back your confidence set your standards higher .
Then you won't give the time of day to idiots like this one you've told us about.
They won't even be on your radar.
A peaceful calm life is way more happy than putting up with the above.
Whatever issues are there in you , you can work through them if you want to x

Often early on there will be a literal tell like 'i would never hit a woman'. Where they are actually telling exactly what they WILL do. Because no normal person needs to implicitly state such things.

They may say 'my ex says I'm xyz (a narcissist/that I hit her) etc... to see if you'll go 'oh that's awful, you're not like that' too.

Or they'll tell you about sone past drama that just doesn't...flow right. Like they've changed something. Or even that they are actually behaving like a jerk in but acting like the other person has wronged them for calling them out/retaliating or whatever it is. Expecting you to take their side. The narcissist in them showing through where they genuinely believe they can do no wrong.

Yeah he is really keen to have kids. It is weird. I guess we are both getting older. But I found it a bit weird and insulting as it wasn't very romantic although on the apps people are generally a bit more forthright about what they want and don't want.
Also with the wedding he hasn't even like proposed or anything. Says expensive wedding rings are a waste of money!

Yes exactly it was a very odd thing to say he hadn't done and I should have had my guard up a bit more.
He has hinted at past misdeeds before, and then there was the thing with the ex which was really shocking and then also the other thing he won't even tell me about.
He has told a few stories where I have thought he was in the wrong but he tells them like he is the hero / martyr / good guy.