he "flipped"

[GiItABitMaerWelly]

Looking for a handhold here, I guess..
I am in shock by what happened when I stayed over at my boyfriend's.
We'd argued and he'd just said that he just wants to be friends with me. I was sat on the bed watching TV and sniffling a bit and he was sat on the futon, doomscrolling. It was a horrible atmosphere.
Eventually I said something along the lines of "Oh I wish I was just at home right now". Then he leapt up and just went totally berserk at me.

He started yelling "You wanna leave? Then get the FUCK outta my house, you fucking piece of SHIT! NOW! Right now!" And starts sort of clapping his hands in a really crazy way. And all the time he's saying "Motherfucker! Get the FUCK out!!!!! You fucking piece of shit!" For a split second I thought he was joking but he wasn't.
I have never seen anyone so angry in my life, it was absolutely terrifying.
He started grabbing all my clothes out of the wardrobe and stuffing them into my handbag and I was trying to get changed and also kind of keep out of his way because he was scaring me so much.

It was gone midnight and I didn't have anywhere to stay and he lives in a really rough area so I didn't want to be walking the streets till it was dawn.

Then he stopped yelling and started muttering about how he's an idiot for believing a relationship would work, that he's been done again, he looks at me and told me that I am a really dreadful human, a really horrible person. He kept saying it over and over "you know that? You are really horrible". And just looking at me with total disgust.

Eventually I kind of calmed him down and we went to sleep. Next day he said he'd got upset because I had hurt his feelings because he had brought me a cup of tea and a snack and I'd seemed ungrateful for this by saying I wanted to be at home.

It had all begun when I had said I didn't want to get married to him, he has been pushing this fantasy where we get married but he doesn't want me to tell anyone till we've done it. His other big idea is that we buy doer-upper in the countryside.

Then later on he started saying I have loads of problems, loads of baggage, that he should never have joined Bumble in the first place. He kept saying over and over that I have a lot of problems, too many problems in fact and he can't cope with my constant negativity. He finds solutions and I am just a big ball of negative energy.
Then that was when he said he wanted to help me but as a friend.

I had said I just want a boyfriend at this point in time and not marriage.

He knows I have been in abusive relationships in the past and has got really sulky when he has scared or triggered me because he is not like that. We parted on good terms but only after I had listed all my faults too because it was wasn't fair of me to just say how he had upset me and I was like perfect or something.

There is no coming back from this, is there?

Um.. he went off his trolley that badly cos you weren't grateful for a bite to eat and a cuppa???? REALLY? And you are considering marrying him??? Love, do yourself a HUGE as favor and do as he says.... get the hell out and stay away from this peice of male dirt forever.

Yep, exactly the same scene with my very abusive ex. He was/is a psychopath. Get out and stay out.

This. I would suggest going to the police too. Any record of this type of behaviour could help others. As he will do this again as he has admitted to you he’s done so in the past.

Good idea about going to stay with a friend. He sounds a dangerous psychopath who showed you his true colours. I’d be very wary. I think I’d be wanting to move if I could.

I know you’re going to be relying his words for a long time. You are bound to. It’s a normal reaction but you shouldn’t feel bad. It’s all on him. He was trying to hurt and goad you. He was testing you. He probably thought he’d “won” as you stayed that night. He now knows that any loyalty has gone (I hope) so may rebound his efforts to get you on his side and isolate you. Don’t let this happen. Block him and don’t go near him. Maybe find out about an injunction. Just be careful.

Get some help and support / training. Read up so any future relationships are positive. Give yourself some time though!

Abuser alert, bin him immediately

If you own your home, change the locks and get one of those CCTV doorbells.

If you rent, try to move.

I'd suggest blocking him on everything after securing your property, rather than slow-fading. When he figures out that you are slow-fading, that is when he will turn the worst. Abusive men turn nastiest when they realise that you are leaving.

How utterly terrifying for you.

I'd actually report this to the police op. That way maybe it'll also help keep others safe in future. You won't be the first person he's done this too.

Also if he's ever had access to your house keys, get your locks changed. Consider a camera doorbell too.

Dump him by text and do not be persuaded to meet in person. You do not owe aggressive men anything. They are most dangerous when they realise you are leaving.

Report to the police. Camera doorbell, change locks, text dump.

Yes I agree that he thought he had "won" as I apologised to him and then the next day listed all my faults as he said it wasn't fair that I was criticising him and not myself. And I didn't want him to flip again.

You should have called the police. Women who mainly question themselves rather then behaviour of the abuser and who focus on being hurt rather then getting out are at risk of staying in abusive relationships. What he did is deal breaker. It's not a behaviour that is easily changed either because people who act like that either have a dangerous personality disorder or their nervous system is deeply programmed that way (although in second case they do regret their outbursts, not the case here). Someone who doesn't even realise the extent of their harmful behaviour has zero chance of changing and 100% chance of escalating in the future.

Use all your energy on getting out of this toxic relationship and staying safe OP.

Also to add it's obviously not your fault, I know you were acting out of self preservation but when you apologise and blame yourself you're actually teaching him that his abusive behaviour is justified and effective. That will make him more likely to use abusive tactics not just on you but in his future relationships.

The only way forward is to leave this horrible distorted man ASAP. And I don't say it often.

You’ve had a lucky escape from him.

Stay away.

I am really hesitant to dump straight away as he has made veiled threats and that is why I want to slow fade him. It feels scary to me to just block him. I did block him on everything before but he started messaging my sister and she didnt know him and didnt really like it. She has her own struggles.

Please block him and dump him now. There is no way to soft break up with likes of him. Most abusive men are intelligent and have great people-reading skills. He is a lot of steps ahead because abuse to them is a high. Go to the police and find a way to protect yourself from him

All the more reason to block him and notify everyone to either block him or just hang up/end contact instantly.

No I don't agree here. It might re-enforce that THOSE specific abuse tactics work but, if they didn't, he would find others. Abusers adapt to whatever tactics are needed for breaking their victim.

It actually sounds like op might have de-escalated the situation by acting defeated. Which could have saved her ass because if he thought words were not working...

Abusers are abusive and nothing we say or do changes that fact. It's innate.

The only problem with agreeing to their list of accusations etc is how it affects our psche. Of course I'm sure op knows he's talking shit but it's still awful to hear these things and a little part of us can be like 'what if there's some truth'. And that's....poison. It's the sort of stuff that even when they are gone can cause us pain. Can lead to us repeating cycles of abuse.

But, it can be worked through and overcome.
For now the primary focus, I think we can all agree, is removing the bastard from her life, safely.

The slow fade doesn't work with narcissists unfortunately. And certainly not volatile ones you are in a relationship with. Surely also it would mean meeting him again, which isn't safe.

You have to show strength. Ideally also that you have back up. That's why the police would be wise. Abusers attack anything they view as weakness. That includes: kindness and, compromise. It includes slow faders and people who are not firm in their boundaries.

You need to prewarn your family.
Read up on 'the narcissist hoovering tactics' and the 'narcissist smear campaign' (what they do when you break up with them. The second one he already started for you with that list of put-downs).
'Narcissist flying monkeys' is a good search too. To show you how they use other people.

Multiple people have advised you to go to the police. You are not even acknowledging this advice. Why? This man had threatened you, you are frightened of him. What are you waiting for?

Absolutely vile behaviour and a pathetic excuse for a human being. Don’t “fade him out” - run and never go back. He is an abuser and things will only get worse the more control he thinks he has. Leave and never look back.

Do you really need to ASK?! Girl give your head a WOBBLE! Surely nobody can be that desperate to have a man by their side that they'd put up with any crap they throw at them?

I'm so pleased you're not dead. But you should stay that way. Avoid this guy. There are much better people out there. Don't see this guy again.

Lovely, run it by the police. Just to tell the you have ended a relationship beckase he did X and you are scared as he did X to previous end of relationships and you want to log it eoth then/get advice incase he escalates

Got yourself yet another abuser there.

Sack this cunt off right away.
Worthless piece of shit needs swilling down the drain, then get on with your life x

This is precisely what I meant - reinforcing particular tactics. Not that she has a power to make him or not make him abusive. Unfortunately behaviours do stick when they are reinforced and pleading, apologising and making excuses for the abuser NEVER has a lasting positive effect. That's all I meant.

This guy is nuts. Slow fading isn’t going to work with this type of guy. He’s spent time investing in getting you where he wants- he’s isn’t going to give that up easily.

You need to send a clear message that you want to end things as you aren’t comparable and want different things. You also will
not be spoken to like he spoke to you.

Be firm. If you just say you aren’t compatible, he’ll try and convince you otherwise. If he thinks you have boundaries, he’s not going to be able to reel you back in.

Get a ring door bell. I’d also change locks if he has keys.

No way! He sounds like a complete nutter.