Am I the only person with a miserable mother?

[Rhiannon]

She lives 3 miles away, has never worked is not rich but lives comfortably. She is so miserable and so tight she nearly squeaks when she walks. We don't have much in common I know but just to get her to come to my home is a miracle. She's a saver me a spender. I like to go shopping, I like my house to look nice and I think my kids are wonderful. I don't think she has ever said a nice word about me or my family. She is always complaining about my son's behaviour, what I buy even though it's often second hand. My son is 6 next week my mother has never been in a shop like Mothercare (2 miles up the road parking right out side)for either of her 2 grandchildren. She has had an unhappy marriage for 45 years but it obviously can't be that unhappy or she'd do something about it. My Dad is obsessed with his two grandchildren and will tuck them in bed whenever he can, may be that's why she stays away.
Constructive criticism only please.

You've probably done this already, but does talking to your dad help?

You really need to know why your mother is like this - why she is mean with her affection, time and money. If you don't know what prompts this behaviour, it will be difficult bringing about a change for the better.

Can your dad, with his 45 years of living with her, enlighten you?

Rhiannon, your mum sounds like she is unhappy in some way. Have you ever tried to talk to her about how you feel? Maybe it might be worth asking her to look after your children for an afternoon to see if it would bring them closer? Maybe, for some reason of her own, she thinks she is not welcome? I don't know - I'm really guessing here.
I'm sure, if you could face it, a chat would help get things out in the open.
Good luck

Rhiannon

Are we related?

My mum lives 200 miles away and for me that isn't far enough! I have horrendous guilt trips about the fact that we only see my parents perhaps 4 times a year max and the last time we saw them they were about to have one of their horrendous arguments (something I hated as a child) right in front of our daughter - I went mad and told them to grow up and stop arguing. I apologised for MY outburst a few minutes late but my father hasn't spoken to me since (Christmas!)

My mother is desperate to build bridges but everytime I try too it ends in tears with her saying something very thoughtless or nasty. - I always believed actions speak louder than words and boy her actions deny her 'mend the bridges' words everytime - I could go on but am running out of time here sorry - will join in later.

Rhiannon you are not alone.

My parents haven't had a reasonable conversation with each other in at least 20 years. They live in the same house and have separate bed and living rooms. There is the unspoken word that she cooks and cleans for him and he brings in the money. If you need to tell them anything you have to tell them both separately as she won't tell him anything. They will appear together at social events(often in separate cars).

But why take all this out on me (I have had a problem with my Dad for many years because of the way he treated me as a teenager. Basically presuming I was up to no good all the time, not making any friend welcome in our home etc etc).

My Mum's ideas about everything are Victorian and bigoted. She will happily stand next to a coloured person referring to them as a "blackie" etc. She judges everyone by what she sees (mind you so does my Dad), but I'm going off the subject.

My Mum spends most of her waking hours on walking expeditions and walking holidays (on her own). She is definately a loner and perhaps she just isn't interested in my company.

It must be really difficult to stay positive in this situation. Do you/can you talk to any extended family about this? can they enlighten you at all?

Last year I spent some time talking to elderly family members and friends about my parents. People who had known them for longer than I had. I thought I knew my parents really well, but I found out a surprising amount of new stuff about them. Unless I had asked questions, this information would never have been volunteered.

If you can do some digging round, it might make things more clear and so make it easier for you to do something?

Good idea Tigermoth but my parents married in 1955 leaving one set of in-laws in Dorset and one set in Cheshire. I have no relatives within about 180 miles and no one they are close to. My brother has disowned the entire family for the past ten years so perhaps she's trying to get rid of us one by one! Only leaves my eldest brother now. She is 70 next month and wants no celebration whatsoever. It feels to me like she's permanently trying to punish herself for something, I've no idea what. But she definately doesn't want to smile for anything.

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I feel so lucky to have a real friend in my mother, especially after having read what all you guys have written.
My problem is my husband and his mother... to say that they don't get on is an understatement. It makes me so sad, when I get on with mine so well. My F -i-law died last year, and there are no other relatives around, so my husband and I have had to pick up the pieces, and he deals with all her paperwork. He is an only child, so no siblings to share the "pain" with. I have tried talking to him about his relationship with his Mum, and I get some pretty lame excuses, but I think that this is the way it has been for years. (he was very close to his Dad)
I am always the peacemaker between them both, and it stresses me out so much. I keep having to remember that she is only my M in Law, and not my Mum! It's always me that talks to her on the phone, and when he calls her at weekends, comes off the phone in such a foul mood, I get the brunt of his anger... it's difficult not to feel real resentment towards her on my part.
I broached the subject of Mothers Day last night, and he said... Oh you'd better get her a card, I suppose. I suggested that she might like a bunch of flowers. Well, if you want to, was his reply, but don't spend too much money.
Oh it's a tricky one! I'd love to have a "reverse" crystal ball, and find out what happened in the past, to try and figure out a way forward, but neither party will tell me, or talk to each other. (I tried shutting them in the same room over Christmas in the hope that, due to tensions running high, there might be some form of communication - or explosion, but the tv just got put on!)
Sorry for rambling... these family problems do hang around your neck, don't they? It's been good just to type this message out to people who are going through the same thing...
If anyone out there has the answer, let us know!

Hooray, my mother just phoned to apologise for rudeness last Friday (it's Wed now took her a few days). She still sounds miserable as sin and isn't bothered about going out on Mothers Day. So MIL phoned last night and we're going there instead - she's another story but far enough away to be kept at arms length.

Reading your descriptions of your mothers - and guessing at the anguish involved in not getting on with a parent, I wonder how not getting on with your various mothers affects your own feelings about being parents yourselves? I think my mother is wonderful - but I do think that it is a slightly uneasy business comparing myself to her when it comes to being a mother myself. Are we influenced by our mothers when we become mothers ? Perhaps some mothers are the opposite of role models? I only understand how difficult it is to be a mother now that I am one. I always assumed I would be perfectly in control and have almost effortlessly good relationship with all my children. It isn't like that at all. And I often feel that compared to my own Mum I am making a poor job of bringing my children up. Any comments gratefully received.

Cicely, I have never thought about motherhood from your perspective before. Perhaps you shouldn't compare yourself too much to your mother. Maybe think about the aspects of your childhood that you loved the most and see if there are ways that you could do similar things for your kids. I am sure that your mum must have had off-days.
I fall into the opposite camp, where I want my children to have a completely different childhood to my own. I want them to feel loved and special and to create a warm happy environment, so that they always know that whatever kind of shitty day they've had, there is always comfort and love at home.

Rhiannon, just another thought. When your mother says or does something you find really table, totally agree with her. Take her side 100% and keep talking the subject over with her, supporting her point of view.

A friend told me to try this with a difficult person I was close to. I did and it instantly took the wind out of her sails. It absolutely threw her, in fact. I keept her talking, and she began to open up, giving me more insight into her way of thinking. At the end of the converstation she then started being nice to me, I suppose because she felt she had an ally.

It didn't last, of course, and I didn't encounter this woman often enough to see if this tactic had a long term effect on our relationship. However, it did provide some temporary relief even if it made me feel like a hypocrite.

I think we all have different levels of parenting ( my parents married because she was pregnant with me 34 years ago - and she is only now considering divorce) and mine wasn't as good as other friends of mine. never making my friends welcome refusing to acknoweldge that I have divorced and remarried (my father regularly calls my 2nd husband by the first husbands name and when 2nd husband asked him to call him by his correct name my father got really cross and said I'll call you what I like! - we've been married and together 8 years now!)

I have always said that I have become the person I am despite my parents and not because of them and strive to be a better mother through that. It frightens me when I recognise things that I do that my mother used to do (she blamed a lot of her behaviour on PMT/hormones and unfortunately I am now battling with a similar problem but I WON'T give in!) She always used to put me down ususally without thinking - so that made it worse as it was what she really thought! She is a Yorkshire woman and very direct.

When my dad stopped talking to me at Christmas my mum and brother came out for Dinner with me and my husband and she asked why there seemed to be such a rift between us - so I asked if she really wanted to know.. I then told her how I'd felt over the years and to be fair she sat there and listened and it couldn't have been easy ( she once told me she kept me because my gran couldn't afford an abortion and that if she had her time again she would do things very differently - I was told all this from a young age like 6! - imagine living with that kind of guilt - I am 34 in August) So you can see why I am not very willing to try anymore. She denied ever having said anything like that then said if she had she must have had PMT at the time...her behaviour since has been half hearted and reverting back to her own crtical way - when I miscarried 3 years ago (first pregnancy) she said 'well it would happen to you wouldn't it' Nice.

Rhiannon it sounds to me as if you still want to build a good relationship with your Mum and my advice is if that IS the case go with the very good advice on here and accept your mums manners for what they are as part of a character which will not change. I have tried some of the advice over the years and it didn't work for me but from the sounds of your last message you will have more luck.

I personally have given up trying anymore - I can't stop the guilt but there are too many incidents over the years to mention which means i don't care. And yes I still send flowers etc on mothers day but only because I cannot bear to inflict the kind of hurt I received by doing something like that - I know I would be devastated if my daughter wanted to disown me like i want to disown my mum and I am going to make sure that never happens by bringing her up knowing she is loved no matter what and that she was very very wanted and her friends are welcome anytime and i'll only get my own back for her tantrums when she is a teenager!!

Dear Rhiannon
Your mother is from exactly the same era as mine and she behaves in the same way. I think they are from a time when the way to bring up children was to put them down all the time in case you "spoiled" them. Our generation of course is more enlightened about the psychological effects of constant criticism. However, there is a degree of selfishness on our mothers' part to refuse to move with the times a bit more and also because they need to justify their parenting "style".Maybe they are jealous of our freedom not to conform as much as they felt they had to. Whatever, none of this makes them any easier to deal with and although I don't argue with my mother anymore (I simply point blank refuse to - life's too short) I don't like her any the more.

First sentence of my last message: delete table, add unreasonable. Sorry for confusion.

I realise after many years that I have my Dad's personality more outgoing, friendly(even new NCT members!) etc. Whereas my M picks up new friends and gets rid of them again like you wouldn't believe. "Don't want to see her anyone, all she goes on about is how wonderful her children are". Shame she doesn't think the same about her own.

She recently made curtains out of bedsheets, when I asked her why she said "we had to in the war you know". I've worked out my mother was 9 when war broke out and living in rural Dorset was hardly the East End of London. Where whe gets these ridiculous ideas from 60 years later I have no idea.

It takes my mother 3 trips to go shopping, once to look, once to buy and once to take back. I don't think she's ever been satisfied with anything. You can't buy meat that's tender anymore you know!

I'm torturing myself now.
Anyone listening that's 60 plus that might like to shed some light on all this. Pleeeeeeeeese!

Oh, Rhiannon - my mum is the same regarding chucking out her friends on a regular basis. It makes it so hard to try and get a handle on what they get up to when your well-meant enquiry of "And how is so-and-so" is met with scorn or even rage that you could ask after such a non-person. Even though they were round for dinner the previous week. My dad, like yours, is an affable soul.
I also got into trouble for sending my godmother, one of my mother's few friends whom she is still on good terms with, a photo of our son (at her request). This got given to her daughter, who is the last of us all still living in quite a close-knit suburb and in consequence passed round a few people who knew our family when I was his age. Apparently I shouldn't have done this because it was showing off and "I ought to have known this would happen". Sorry?!
Despite upsetting quirks like this basically I get on all right with my mum and reading your posts has made me realise how lucky I am. Also to have a sister to gnash my teeth with occasionally over our mother's oddities. You don't mention if you have a sibling and I guess you don't but yours and many other comments on this website lately have made me realise that we maybe oughtn't to stop at one for our son's sake.

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No Rhiannon, you are not. My best friend's mum is a right old xxxxx! I cannot believe the cutting put downs she comes out with - even when her daughter had just given birth she made some catty comment about how much weight she had put on. Heaven knows what she gets out of it.

My parents totally refused to meet my husband, and in fact didn't meet him til after our first child was born - did anyone else have that experience?

How horrible, didn't they even come to your wedding? Did they give a reason for it?

Yes - everything they knew about him was interpreted negatively. They just thought I was so stupid that anyone I chose would be bound to be no good. Not meeting him was a way of trying to bully me into not marrying him - no white wedding etc. ha ha.

RobinW - I hope I won't screw up my son's life, I will certainly try not to. But if I become a social or financial liability in later life it might be a problem shared if he has a brother or sister to talk it over with.
Sml, that's awful. I know your husband is Algerian - was this the reason your parents refused to meet him? I'm so sorry.

Probably. Try pointing out to my mother that there is a certain conflict of logic between the views that 1.Foreigners should stay in their own countries, and 2.The British Empire was a Good Thing.

My husbands father didn't speak to me for 6 years, because of an argument he had with my grandmother in the 50's!!!, he only started to speak a few words after we got married in 1991, I started seeing him in 1985!!. I just let it go over my head, although he did make my husbands life hell sometimes because of me.