Am I the only person with a miserable mother?

[Rhiannon]

She lives 3 miles away, has never worked is not rich but lives comfortably. She is so miserable and so tight she nearly squeaks when she walks. We don't have much in common I know but just to get her to come to my home is a miracle. She's a saver me a spender. I like to go shopping, I like my house to look nice and I think my kids are wonderful. I don't think she has ever said a nice word about me or my family. She is always complaining about my son's behaviour, what I buy even though it's often second hand. My son is 6 next week my mother has never been in a shop like Mothercare (2 miles up the road parking right out side)for either of her 2 grandchildren. She has had an unhappy marriage for 45 years but it obviously can't be that unhappy or she'd do something about it. My Dad is obsessed with his two grandchildren and will tuck them in bed whenever he can, may be that's why she stays away.
Constructive criticism only please.

Hedgehog, what a strong person you are, writing into this discussion. No one can imagine the pain you went through, do your parents have any contact with your children?

No, very little. Once I realised that there was absolutely no change, I decided to sever ties.

I know I should have left it all behind, but stupid things bring it back, like me ensuring that my children are always supplied with lots of books.

Yes, Hedgehog, I too find a throwaway word or small incident with your children can prompt all sorts of reactions rooted in your own childhood. Something simimlar happens to me. The sudden emotion can be very powerful. I get the strongest sense of everything overlapping. I can also remember years ago, my mother getting upset over seemingly trivial things.

I was a shy child and had an active dream world. I suppose your extreme circumstances made you take it one step further.

Hedgehog, I wish I had an ounce of the inner strength that you must have had, and still have, to cope with what you went through. It must hurt when your kids complain about such trivial things, but in a way it just goes to show how you have been so courageous in getting on with your life and bring your kids up in a normal, loving environment if all they have to worry about is keeping up with the latest fashion.

Hedgehog - every here has said how brave you are, and I just wanted to say that too. You put all our niggles and gripes to shame. You must be such a wonderful strong person to deal with this, and to have children of your own. Many abused kids become abusers themselves, but you chose not to take that path. I shed a tear when I read your story, not because of sympathy but of admiration for your unique strength of character. Good luck Hedgehog, you're an inspiration to many.

Hedgehog, I'd like to especially echo what Lisa's just said about breaking the chain of abuse and neglect. My mum had a terrible childhood, not as bad as yours, but pretty bad. I grew up oblivious to the fact that she had been driven to circulating the rumour that she had died in her home town to get her father and one sibling off her back, after years of misery. She managed not to pass any of this onto us, but now I'm a parent myself, I am filled with awe over that achievement. I salute you - your children are of the luckiest type, the ones who got away. People like you are real heroes. One day your kids will feel about you like I do about my mum. And yes, I used to moan about my sensible shoes and not enough treats to her, and like you, she must have been thinking !!. But she never showed it.

Hedgehog, so sorry, but so pleased you are able to live your life happily with your four children. What ages are they?

9, 7, almost 5 and almost 3!

Sorry if someone's already covered this earlier - this discussion has been going way back, but It's not just mothers - what about siblings? My mother was great in many ways, and although we get on very well now, I still feel really resentful towards her about her failure to intervene in the abuse I suffered at the hands of my sister. I also can't remember many years of my childhood, because I've spent so long trying to block it out. Although we're only 18 months apart, my sister has been insanely jealous of me since I arrived. I have no happy memories before the age of about 23, when I finaly seemed to get myself together.

She beat me regularly, she stole from me, if friends 'phoned up for me she didn't hang up or tell me, she just left them hanging there, she wouldn't let me be near mum, she manipulated our family against me & convinced them I was the trouble maker, she never once apologised for anything, and would ignore me for weeks (to the point of walking into me, as if I wasn't there if I was in her way). Even when I tried to talk to mum or ask for help she would just ignore it, even when my sister threw me out of the house and I had to go and stay with friends (permanenlty, age 21) she never tackled her, or enabled me to return home. I think my mum has always been scared to stand up to her, so she's just let her treat me like shit all my life.

As young childen (aged 5 & 6) we would get the bus alone together to school, and she would never let me sit anywhere near her, even if there was noone else on the bus, and got off it without me, leaving me, as a 5 yr old, to go to God knows where, and had to get the police to get me home.

She has now ignored me since the day before my grandfather's funeral in 1998. She ignored the pregnancy and birth of both of my sons, and she ignored the invitation to the baptism of my first son. She came to the baptism of my second son, completely ignored me and my sons. I made the effort and went up to her and said "Peter, say hello to aunty Susan" and she just said "we've already met, and Susan will do". That's it. The only words she's spoken to me since December 1998, not a word of explanation, apology, congratulations, anything.

It's her wedding day today, and I can't stop thinking about her. Everytime I have any contact with her it just causes me such grief, for all the years of torment, and being hated so much by someone who should be so close, or at least civil. I agree with Hedgehog, what's the point in sticking out your head and asking someone to kick it? It's better to just accept the fact that some people just won't change and won't stop hurting you if you let them.

Bo - sorry to hear about your awful sister. My own family relationships are not great but that's not to say they compare at all to some of the experiences I've read about on this board. I used to think it was terrible when people said they didn't get on with their siblings and therefore didn't see them. But now I've given up completely on one sister and am quite guarded in my relationship with the other. It's a pity because they have 4 lovely children between them aged 5-8, who I love to see. I'd also love to show off to my sisters how successful I am at being a mother myself. My eldest sister has never really got used to the idea that I'm now in my 30s and can make my own decisions about life - she never got over the fact that I dared to marry someone she didn't approve of. After she treated my husband particularly apallingly one day, I vowed never to subject him to that again. Of course, I have done, but it's not so bad now we only see each other a couple of times a year. (I take comfort from the fact that everyone else seems to like my husband, and there are lots of people that don't seem to get on with my sister). It does annoy me though that I'm the one that has to hire a car and do a 400 mile round trip in a weekend to see her, and she has only done the journey once, because her time is so much more important for some reason. Not that it's of any comfort, but she's just a miserable person - in fact, probably medically depressed, as she has everything you could wish for to be happy.

My other sister sends presents on all the appropriate days but has not even phoned or written to see how I am since my daughter was a few months old (she's now 18 mths). I wouldn't mind so much but for the fact that she's always been so boring on the subject of her own children for the past 7 years! I honestly don't know when I'll see her again (She does live about 400 mile away though). My mum's harmless but completely wet. She always makes excuses as to why she can't come and see us, even though she has plenty of money and no commitments to work or other grandchildren or anything. When she next sees us it will be a year since the last time - a long time in my daughter's 18 month life. On the plus side, I have fantastic parents in law who are not the baby type at all, but dote on our daughter and make a 10 hour round trip in order to see us at least every two months. They also have a lovely extended family who treat me like one of the family.

Advice: my own strategy on useless sibling is to write friendly letters with photos a few times a year for a couple of years, then if there's no response give up completely. It sounds harsh I know, but why should you put up with treatment from your family that you wouldn't from friends? I have a small network of friends where I live that I can rely on much more than my own family, and it's much more important to me to maintain those relationships. Your miserable sister is not worth putting yourself through too much emotional turmoil for Bo. Good luck!

Bo - if your sister ever has children herself, she may realise then how important siblings are. She may want your advice on childcare, or to show off her children to you. It sounds like you are her only sister so believe me, the day will come when she will want to get in touch with you, it is up to you whether or not you allow her to. Like Rosy said, you wouldn't let your friends treat you like that.

My family have never been very supportive to me either. My dad lives in the Highlands, and we always have to visit him, he never visits us, always uses excuses. He says there is nothing for him down here, that hurts as he has lots of grandchildren he never sees, not to mention his own children! My own mother is very self-centred. I had an appauling pregnancy and she never supported me, in fact she made things worse. My eldest sister is now pregnant after years of trying, she has miscarried before and nearly lost this one, yet my mother never goes to see her and cracks sick jokes at her expense.

If I want my daughter to see my family I have to make the effort to get two trains and a taxi to my mum's house, then I have to make my own way to see my siblings too, they never make the effort to see me. One of my brothers never phones me at all, if I'm lucky I might see him once a year.

I have had to accept that this situation will never change, so I just put up with it now. I still make the effort to see them, but I don't expect anything in return. Luckily my husband's mother is great and she picks up my baby girl every week to take her to her house.

I don't think that anyone's family is perfect, I choose to put up with mine, some choose to break all ties. You should concentrate on your own family now Bo, and your happiness. Your sister must be a very insecure person and if she chooses to give up her only sister, well that's her loss, you won't be there when she needs you.

Good luck.

Crikey, thought I had problems! Bo has your sister been very jealous all these years? Didn't she invite you to her wedding? What did your Mum say if she didn't? She sounds awful and a 'friend' to avoid but when it's your sister it's worse. Sorry.

You have to do what I have decided after the problems with my Mum (see the start of this conversation). I now concentrate on the most important things in my life, my husband and kids. I see my Mother occasionally but as I wrote before I have not put myself in a situation where my Mother could turn me down once again and upset me. I have put up the barriers and she obviously doesn't give 'two hoots' about it as she doesn't contact me to chat or invite me anywhere!

Well I am pleased to report that my Mother seems a bit happier and seems to be engaging in conversation with me!!!!!!!!!! She is still taking my two lovelies on holiday at the end of the month. She has even been round for a barbecue. There's hope for us all yet.

I feel so angry that I just have to let it all out - so I've come onto Mumsnet! I have mentioned on this thread before that my mother is selfish, now I am just finding out how selfish she really is...
My sister (the middle one) is the loveliest person in the world. When my gran was ill and staying with my mum, she went down every day to look after her, often staying overnight, even though she has 4 children of her own, 2 of them pre-school twins. When my eldest sister became pregnant, she travelled down to see her every week doing her cleaning and cooking for her (my sister was a high-risk pregnancy). When I had a birthday bash for my little 'un she came and did most of the cooking for me, leaving me free to entertain my guests.

Now she needs help herself. Her husband has been taken to hospital with a dodgy heart-valve, he is only 35 but has diabetes. She cannot work and is torn between visiting him and looking after her kids. My mum had a holiday booked for 2 weeks and is planning on going ahead even though my sister really needs her right now. My mother only lives a couple of streets away and could have helped with the children, cooking, cleaning, whatever, or just been there for her. Instead she is leaving my brother with me to look after whilst she swans off on her holidays!! I am so angry and so sorry for my sister. I wish I could help her but I live 35 miles away from her and cannot drive. Also I am now looking after my own daughter plus my brother who has learning difficulties, yet I know she would be there for me if I needed her.

How could my mum be so heartless? My sister did all she could to help when my mum had my gran, and now she cannot repay her the favour. I want to help her myself but don't know how. Does anyone have any ideas of how I can help her?

Message withdrawn

I wish I did have the money for that Bloss. My mum and her husband came yesterday to drop my brother off. I had an argument with my stepfather about it, his only response was that he has these 2 weeks booked for his holiday, and that was all that interested him - it's not even as though they will have to pay a cancellation fee, they are going to Wales to a caravan that they own! I don't know if maybe I am expecting too much from her. My dh said that his mum probably wouldn't cancel her holiday either. But my sister is relying on her MIL who is in her seventies and ALWAYS babysits for her, although my mum lives just around the corner from my sister.

I know my mum is depressed and she needs a holiday, she just doesn't seem to see past her own problems. When she told me of my sister's situation she started off by telling me what a horrible day SHE had had! You see, she wants the sympathy first and foremost.

Anyway, I have decided to visit my sister next week and stay over for a couple of days. I feel quite cold towards my mum right now so I don't know what will happen there.

Thanks for listening

Message withdrawn

My sister phoned to say that my b-i-l may need open heart surgery after all, she was really upset as you can imagine. Not long afterwards my mum phoned from her caravan to tell me what a terrible time she was having, she couldn't sleep through worry, etc, etc and I just thought "HOW DO YOU THINK MY SISTER FEELS!!!" I mean - Aaarrghh!
I sympathise with you Bloss, some people can't see past their own problems! But what do you do? Accept and put up? Or speak out and run the risk of upsetting everyone? The way I feel right now, it would be kind of nice to be alienated by my mum and stepdad, I never see them anyway and when I do I just feel like pulling my hair out afterwards.
Who said you can't change your family! They must be the biggest stress on our lives! If it's not them then it's the in-laws - see my eldest sister's post on that!

LisaV, Sorry you mother is stressing you out. This may not apply to you, because your mother may not be that old, however here's an observation made by my MIL, who was a geriatric nurse for many years and also ran an old people's home.

She told me how many perfectly normal old people seem to become a lot less emotional as they get older. She was talking of people aged 65 and over. She said they just didn't feel things in the same way. Not that they became nasty, but they tended to get more self-centered - it was just part of the ageing process.

Lisav, could you offer to help with your sister's kids? Perhaps they could come and stay to give your sister a break for a few days?

Lisav
could you go and stay in your mum's house while she's away, to help your sister by looking after the kids?

How awful for your sister: I hope everything goes well

Thanks guys
I will be staying at my mum's house next week for a few days to give my sis a helping hand. If any of you are religious out there, please say a prayer for my b-i-l!

Message withdrawn

Thanks Bloss - his name is Billy. There does seem to be some improvement in his condition, but they will have to wait 2 weeks before any decision is made. I'll know more when I see them both next week.
I'll keep you posted as to his condition.
Thanks again