Am I the only person with a miserable mother?

[Rhiannon]

She lives 3 miles away, has never worked is not rich but lives comfortably. She is so miserable and so tight she nearly squeaks when she walks. We don't have much in common I know but just to get her to come to my home is a miracle. She's a saver me a spender. I like to go shopping, I like my house to look nice and I think my kids are wonderful. I don't think she has ever said a nice word about me or my family. She is always complaining about my son's behaviour, what I buy even though it's often second hand. My son is 6 next week my mother has never been in a shop like Mothercare (2 miles up the road parking right out side)for either of her 2 grandchildren. She has had an unhappy marriage for 45 years but it obviously can't be that unhappy or she'd do something about it. My Dad is obsessed with his two grandchildren and will tuck them in bed whenever he can, may be that's why she stays away.
Constructive criticism only please.

I ring everyone first, except MIL, we only have to look out of the upstairs window to see if the car's there, as she only lives 10 doors away! the kids like to go their on their own now, (ages 7½ and 4½ but I wait at one end of the street and MIL waits at the other.

As for my mother, it's not an option for 2 reasons;

1. We haven't spoken for nearly 13 years.
2. I don't know where she lives, apart from about 250 miles away.

However, she does have my address, but even if she wrote I don't know if I'd reply at this moment in time. I might moan about MIL sometimes, but in the time that I've known her she's been more of a mother to me than mine was.

LOL Marina! So unlike you, how absolutely hilarious!

Am I alone in wishing that ppeople WOULD just drop by? - it's a lovely surprise when it happens.

My parents live about half an hour away on the other side of the city. We do sometimes drop by if we happen to have been out for a drive that direction - but usually we'd ring in advance.

My Parents-in-Law live closer but we see them less - and we wouldn't normally go around unless there was a reason to do so (eg to pick up a parcel that was delivered c/o them), so we would normally ring and let them know.

My parents rarely visit the house, although they are always welcome and I wish they would come around more. To be fair, they are always out and about doing things like going for a cyle ride (they are currently on a cycling tour of Cuba), but they are also paranoid about "not interefering". They had real problems with my Mum's parents interfering (very serious problems) and are ultra-sensitive about not repeating that pattern, to the extent that they are missing out on their first, and long awaited, grandchild. We need to have a chat with them when they get back from Cuba, as we would LIKE them to be more involved - they will always help when asked, but don't like to volunteer. They don't know it yet, but we will be asking them to look after ds for a week the week after next so that dh and I can go off skiing and have some time together to do some much needed planning. (SIL has already agreed to share looking after him, so they'll probably end up arguing over who gets him the most!)

I'm with you JanZ, maybe it's a kiwi thing. I remember when I first arrived in the UK and my friends got out their diaries to arrange the next meeting. I was HORRIFIED. My inlaws never turn up without ringing even though they live only 10 minutes walk away, very careful not to interfere I think. I have been known to drop in on them unannounced, but then I'm counting on the fact that the sluglet is their only grandchild and they're always pleased to see her. Sometimes the need for adult company is just overwhelming, I don't want to run the risk that they didn't want to see us.

Slug - whereabout in NZ are you from? I lived in New Plymouth for a couple of years in my teens (back in the 70s). We emigrated there and then emigrated back again!

JanZ/Slug... it's a British thing (sorry ) - a lot of other nations like the unannounced visits.... it's the Brits (As we've seen below - who don't).... please don't hit me for saying this - I mean NO disrespect and I love living here.
I also love the unannounced visits.... don't get any though !
MIL and Mum live in other countries but if they lived here I would go unannounced.

But I'm Scottish and wish people would do it! (... but I suppose I do have a cosmpolitan background).

It's one of the things I miss from my years at Uni (a long time ago!) - you used to drop in on friends all the time.

I live in Australia and I think the "unannounced visit" is pretty rare here too now... everyone seems to phone first to organise a day, time, etc etc. When we were in America a couple of years ago, we dropped in to see some friends (unannounced) and they were horrified!! I told my husband we should call first, but he kept saying they wouldn't mind if we just dropped in. They are a lovely couple and they were very nice about it, but I could tell she was embarrassed - she started vaccuuming and cleaning up the house as soon as we got there. I must admit, I don't like the unannounced visit very much - for the very same reason!! I like to have at least half an hour to make the house look respectable if someone's going to drop in... just my thoughts anyway.

JanZ

I was born in New Plymouth - lived there until I went to university in Wellington in the 1980s. So we may have passed briefly on the streets - although I would guess I'm about 5-10yrs younger if you were in your teens in the 70s?

Florenceuk - we may well have passed in the street! You're right - I'm a wee bit older (41 next month). I went to Spotswood College and we lived in Govett Avenue in a house which had a lovely view of Mount Egmont. Dad was a doctor at New Plymouth hospital. I loved my time there - eventually. I was a typical teenager - sulked for nearly a year when we went there, made good friends and was happy and then sulked for more than a year (practice makes perfect!) when Mum and Dad decided to come back. I now understand and respect (and agree with!) their reasons for coming back - but at the time, as a teenager, you only see how it affects YOUR life!

Apologies to everybody else for this but JanZ - you may know my sister! She also went to Spotswood College (was even Head Girl), will be 41 this year, and is now living in Kingston upon Thames - now married to a Scotsman. My parents used to own a coffee shop and icecream parlour in New Plymouth if this rings any bells.

Florenceuk - it doesn't ring any bells with me, but I'll check with Mum and Dad when they get back from Cuba (Mum is always good at remembering people) and also with my brother, who was the year below me. I was effectively a year ahead, because of the 6 months difference in the UK and NZ school years (ie my NZ friends would be 42 this year). I'll also check with the one friend who I do still keep in touch with - she has a farm in the south of Taranaki.

The world is indeed a small place! And made smaller by the Internet.

Janz, I too wish people would just drop in now and again, just a sign they want to visit and dont feel they have to. We sometimes call to see if people are in but if we are passing and see they are in we just drop in, my mum in particular loves the surprise.
Marina, have you seen the Eddie Murphy video Dilerious (sp). He has an auntie in it that the kids dont like kissing because of her moustache, always makes us laugh and brought it back about your MIL.

Sorry to hijack this conversation, but I just have to get this off my chest or I will burst into tears, which I probably will do anyway!

I posted on here a while ago under LisaV, basically telling how my mother was being very unsupportive towards my sister whose husband was in hospital with a major heart scare. Anyway, since then my eldest sister has posted on here as her unborn baby was diagnosed at 30 weeks as having Downs Syndrome and AVD (I can't spell its full name, but it's a pretty major heart defect common in Downs babies). Her baby was operated on just under 2 weeks ago, and he is doing really well!

You can imagine though what emotions my sister was going through. She has no in-laws and lives about an hour away from the rest of her family. She relied heavily on my mum for emotional support, but my mum failed to give it. The week of my nephew's operation, my sister had to put her daughter into foster care as my mum wouldn't look after her for a few days. Even then my mum was moaning about how she couldn't cope and how stressful all of this was for her. My sister was desperate for my mum to be there for her, but my mum obviously had better things to do.

Last week I got a very upsetting phone call from my mum in which she said that she wished she could get on a plane and leave us all. That we were all causing her trouble and making her ill. We expect too much from her and we always blame her when things go wrong. I couldn't believe half the things that she was saying! It's not as if my sisters planned any of these things to happen! Yet I listened quietly and cried to my dh afterwards.

Now my mum seems to have cold-shouldered me completely, and I don't know why! I just found out today that my nephew is home from hospital, he came home on Tuesday. My mum phoned everyone to tell them, everyone apart from me. My sister was wondering why I wasn't calling her. I feel so rejected and hurt. What have I done? She was the one who made the phone call, who said all those hurtful things, not me. Yet I know that if I say anything to her, it will be twisted around and she will tell everyone how upset I have made her and that she is ill because of me. I know this as I did phone her when my other sister was going through her crisis, I asked her to be more supportive of her and not so self-centred. Within a day the whole family knew of the phone call and I got berated from my brother, who had heard only my mum's side. I don't want that to happen again, yet this is eating away at me inside. I just feel so small and lonely, I don't understand why she is treating me like this.

Sorry to rant on, I just had to tell someone. Normally I would tell my sister, but I don't want to damage her relationship with my mum. I just don't know what to do. It is Mother's Day on Sunday and I feel hypocritical buying her a card. I dread speaking to her as I just want to cry. I love my daughter so much, I can't understand how she can not love us in the same way. Any advice would be greatly appreciated right now.

Rhubarb, how awful for you, I'm not sure how much help I can be having not experienced this but want to let you know that I am thinking of you.
Could you perhaps talk to your brother about this? Even if it is just to ask if he thinks you have upset your mum in any way - It doesn't sound as if you have but people can take offence at the silliest things. It sounds as if your Mum wants to be centre of attention and can't / won't help you all as result. Is she perhaps lonely and not coping?
As for Sunday, perhaps you should send her a card it may be the quickest way to build bridges. Not sending her anything could just make matters worse.
I apologise now if I am jumping to conclusions over this, good luck and I hope your sisters families are all back to good health very soon.
TAke care.

Rhubarb - no need to apologise. You need some support and we will try to provide it.

Your mum sounds like a very demanding woman who is draining you of energy. You may need to "ration" contact with her (and that includes phone calls) to those times you feel strong enough to deal with her. It sounds strange, but when you do talk to her, it may be worth visualising a bubble (an unburstable one!) or a bell jar protecting you - and that while your own positive thoughts and messages can get out, any negative vibes from her can't get through to you.

You need to stop expecting her - or wanting her - to give support, to you or your siblings. You can only take responsibility for your own actions. It's sad, but some people are totally self-centred and can't "give" of themsleves. At the end of the day, they will sow what they reap - but don't let yourself be caught up in that pattern. (You obviously aren't, as you talk of your love for your daughter)

It may also be worth talking to your siblings and saying that, for whatever reason (ie not judging you or her), you and your mother are not able to communicate at the moment, and that you think it might be best for both you to take some time out. That way, they have had the message direct from you before your mother puts her own spin on it. Also, have you told them that your mother was talking about wanting to take a plane away from you all?

Then it might be worth having a chat with your mum to say the same thing - turning the tables slightly on her and saying that you don't want to feel that you are being a drain on her, so that for a while you think it might be worth just having some "time out", so that she doesn't feel any pressure from you.

Or if you don't feel you can talk to her, how about writing a long letter to her about how you feel? What do you want from her? Do you WANT a continued relationship with her? And if so, what are you getting from that relationship? What do you want to get from the relationship? It does have to be a two way thing.

My Mum had a very fractious relationship with her Mum and the problems with the family have spilt over into the relationships with her siblings - even though her Mum dies a number of years ago. She resorted to letters - in particular recently with her sister. Some of it was forced onto paper, as my aunt lives in Oz (and my grandomther lived in South Africa) - but it did also help take the heat out of things, and my dad or I could "proof read" what was said. It caused my Mum a lot of pain - until she could acknowledge that it wasn't her problem to deal with.

Rhubarb - I echo JanZ.
Speak to your own siblings about it - don't expect more from your mum.... do you have any idea why she might be feeling this way ? Where is your dad in all of this ?
What is the relationship between your mum and your daughter ?

Or....could it be menopause? Hormones can play merry hell with a woman's moods...not trying to make excuses for her behaviour mind, but she does seem a little irrational...hope things get better soon, and I'm glad to hear your nephew is doing well too. Keep us "posted".

Rhubarb,
I've had a few similar experiences with my mother, and can appreciate how upsetting it is for you. I did get worried at one time that she might be getting ill, as I couldn't recognise the person I thought was my mother in all that meanness. But she doesn't seem to have Alzheimers disease, though she does suffer from diabetes - can that affect someone's character, does anyone know? I asked my doctor this question after one bout of meanness from my parents, but she didn't even seem to understand what I was concerned about.
In the absence of any evidence to the contrary, I eventually came to the conclusion that my mother has simply ruled the roost and done exactly what she wanted for about 40 years, and she has too much time on her hands. A fatal combination. One of her little weaknesses is to want to control those around her, and since I married the man of my choice instead of her choice, she's never really forgiven me for my selfishness and generally dreadful behaviour, so I guess that is the source of some of her meanness too.
I would be very interested to hear any more about how illness can affect someone's character if anyone knows more about it.

Thanks for all your replies. I am fairly confident that she doesn't have Alzheimers or going through the menopause (she's been there and done that). She has been depressed for many, many years. But it is a self-obsessed depression. She has seen various counsellors and taken lots of anti-depressants, but whilst she expects lots of sympathy and support, she never makes any moves to help herself. I don't think she wants to be better and lead a normal life as then she won't be able to play the sympathy card with us.

I appreciate what you are saying JanZ about the letter, I know that I have to talk to my mum about this but I just don't know how to approach it. It's like walking on eggshells. I know that she is waiting for me to tell someone about the phone call she made to me, so that she can be all upset that I betrayed her confidence. That's why I've not told anyone, and besides I don't want to hurt my sisters by telling them what she said, they've enough to worry about at the moment. So this phone call has been preying on my mind every minute of every day, and I've not known who to talk to.

If I write her a letter, I know she will show everyone, and that's not what I want. I don't want the whole family to be dragged into this, she will make it into another 'family crisis' and it will be held up as another reason why we cause her so much trouble. If I phone her, again she will tell everyone that I have upset her (again) and that I said this and that, and how I have made her ill because she's so upset. That's what happened last time. I told her how I felt and how upset I was that not only was she not supporting my sisters, but that she had never supported me either. I got a lot of things off my chest and I thought the call ended amicably and that it was in confidence. But she told everyone her side of the story so before I knew it my brother pulled me to one side and severely berated me for upsetting her! He had me in tears, and I don't want that again.

I used to have an ok relationship with her. I could tell her about things that were happening in my life. I knew from the start that she wouldn't make much effort to get to know my dd, but I accepted that as the way it was. I am lucky that dh's parents are great with her and make up for any lack of attention from my mum. My sister used to gripe about my mum from time to time, she has never forgiven her for not supporting her, but I tried to keep my distance and accept mum as the way she was. But the phone call has changed all that, I have been dragged into the arena very reluctantly and I don't know how to get out of it. I am dreading talking to her, just the tone of her voice will grate on me, that sigh of despair that she does so well, the sniffle to tell me that I've upset her, the wobbly voice and so on. I don't want to lose my temper, but I just cannot stand any more of this.

One of you asked about my dad. They divorced 20 years ago and he lives in the Highlands now. They don't speak to each other at all. My mum has remarried and her life is quite nice, nothing much to complain about really. I don't get on with my stepdad but that's another story. I don't see what her problem is at all. She hates the attention being focused away from her, so maybe that's it. She can't stand the fact that my eldest sister is getting all this attention, rightly so, for her child, and she feels left out. I've noticed she always tends to bring the conversation back round to her, so if someone is going through a crisis, my mum will get involved so that we have to focus on her too. I think I am beginning to seriously dislike my mum.

sml, I don't know if it's officially classed as a symptom, but yes, IME diabetes can affect mood and behaviour. My mum was diagnosed with adult-onset (type 2) diabetes in her early-50s, and since then my dad has become extremely skilled at gauging the state of her blood sugars by the state of her temper. If she's being crotchety, anxious, whatever, he produces a cup of tea and a snack, and lo, his lovely wife is restored.

So how well controlled are your mum's sugar levels? If they're erratic, that could well be (at least part of) the answer.

At the risk of infantilizing our mothers, it would be a no-brainer re our kids, no?

(I had gestational diabetes in the last trimester of my pregnancy, but you'd have to ask my partner what it did to my moods... )

Thanks, Zoya. It isn't so much irritability as downright meanness, but I will keep an eye out for any possibly diabetes related problems. Rhubarb, She also loves to try and get us to feel sorry for her, but that one's been going ever since I can remember.

Thanks as well for all the feedback re phoning in advance. As you probably guessed, I am on the side of informality. IMO, there is an important distinction between any old visitor, and mothers/daughters. Ordinary visitors phone in advance, one's children do not. I would be embarrassed to admit in my husband's country that my parents insisted on pre-visit phone calls, because people would find it so incomprehensible that parents could behave like that to their children.

Well I phoned mum today. I tried to approach it with a sense of humour and dh was standing by to divert my attention if the conversation got too much to bear! I started off by saying cheerily "Are you not talking to me!" and told her that I was just a bit confused why she hadn't told my that my nephew was out of hospital, she came up with an excuse as I knew she would, but I pretended to believe her. I then asked if she still wanted to get on a plane and leave us all, to which she sighed and told me that I don't understand how hard it is for her. I had to grit my teeth a few times and dh had to make some funny faces at me, but it went well. I just remained as cheerful as I could, even when she was telling me how hard her life is and how I will never understand her panic attacks (I got them too but that doesn't seem to matter, they were never as bad as hers!).

So whilst I will never forget what she said to me, at least we are now on speaking terms. I will just have to swallow my pride and forget the whole thing as best I can. Pity though as I don't think our relationship will ever be the same again. If anything happened to either dd or myself or dh she would be the last to know as I don't want to be blamed for making her ill or causing her trouble. I know there are worse mothers out there, but that is little consolation when it's happening to you.

I think I'm going through an emotional time anyway. My best friend just left to go to Brighton, which is some 5 hours away from me. I've just stopped taking hormonal contraception so feel quite down, and as we are only using condoms, the worry of getting pregnant again is prominent on my mind. All of these things I wish I could talk to my mum about but I can't. Still, I got a lovely email from dh while I was out last night, so I'm not that badly off.

Thanks for the support, that's why I love Mumsnet so much!