Am I the only person with a miserable mother?

[Rhiannon]

She lives 3 miles away, has never worked is not rich but lives comfortably. She is so miserable and so tight she nearly squeaks when she walks. We don't have much in common I know but just to get her to come to my home is a miracle. She's a saver me a spender. I like to go shopping, I like my house to look nice and I think my kids are wonderful. I don't think she has ever said a nice word about me or my family. She is always complaining about my son's behaviour, what I buy even though it's often second hand. My son is 6 next week my mother has never been in a shop like Mothercare (2 miles up the road parking right out side)for either of her 2 grandchildren. She has had an unhappy marriage for 45 years but it obviously can't be that unhappy or she'd do something about it. My Dad is obsessed with his two grandchildren and will tuck them in bed whenever he can, may be that's why she stays away.
Constructive criticism only please.

Sml, I am sorry that your parents took that attitude, I cannot believe people do not look beyond the colour of someones skin or their culture. The worst thing is that is it still goes on in the "Great British Empire", what a joke.

Batters, I had a really crap time with my mother. She used to wallop us with implements (wooden spoons, shoes, sticks, ropes, hoses) and was strict to the point of abuse. I felt seriously unloved as a child and can honestly say that from 5 to 18 years of age the only physical contact I had with my mother was violent. If I got a B in school, she always wanted to know why it wasn't an A and when I got a 2:1 at university, she just commented that it was a shame I hadn't worked harder and I could have got a First.
In my teenage years I feared and hated her. She once grounded me for an entire year (I am not joking or exaggerating) for a misunderstanding she had on the telephone with another parent about a party. No rules were ever negotiable.
I will never forget her treatment of me and as a parent now myself I feel more angry than I ever did before.
However, I make every effort to maintain cordial relations with her. We are not close and I cannot see that we ever will be but I don't have a big family in the UK and don't want to loose my relationship with my Dad and brother and sister too.
Would you consider having some counselling? I had some for post-birth trauma and of course they ask about childhood and it all come pouring out and I felt alot better for talking about it.

Having read thiese messages I can only say that I am extremely grateful to have such a brilliant mom (and dad). We always knew we were (are) loved. We were supported, berated, pushed and held back in all the right places and I feel very lucky, possibly more-so now than ever.
My parents operated on a firm but fair basis, yes they were quite strict but never unfair. I hope that as my little boy grows I can be as balanced and even handed as my parents were to us.
My two closest friends had terrible childhoods because of their parents, the fact that they have both grown into such well rounded balanced adults is a credit to their fortitude and not their upbringings. I never cease to be amazed at how awful some parents can be.
I feel like my upbringing is the exception and not the norm.

Hi

I have something to add to the mothers debate: my mother has much in common with some of those here, boasts with pride at the 'left you in the pram at the bottom of the garden all day' style of parenting, very mistrustful of breastfeeding etc

She is an extremely generous person - in terms of gifts - to me and my children, which makes me feel guilty at what I feel about her.

BUT, when I had recently had my last baby she told my husband, in confidence, that I am lazy and he must watch out for this. I am so hurt. I am not lazy, but what she saw was that my husband helps me a lot when he's at home. She doesnt like him getting up to the baby in the night, despite the fact that when I was breastfeeding several times a night after a few months I was so exhausted from disturbed sleep that I couldnt sleep at all.

I had a horrible pregnancy, feeling deathly sick all the time so he had to do all the cooking - I really could not go into the kitchen, instead of asking me how I felt or sympathising if I told her anyway, she always sympathised with him and told him to take no notice of me if I found something intolerably nauseating.

Then for her to be so supportive of him and anti me during the postnatal time it has been a real kick in the teeth. BTW he is very kind and supportive to me and takes no notice of her sexist attitudes.

I have agonised about this, wondering why I feel such antipathy towards my mother especially around mothers day ( I cannot bring myself to say she is one of those mums who was always there for me, although I'm sure she'd like that!!) but I do beleive that some of this harks back to an era when men were revered above all others, when boys didnt have to wash up or clear the table, when coming home was a refuge for the man after his hard day at work and she cannot see that times have changed a bit now, both men and women work really hard and appreciate each other. Or else she is jealous and trying to cause trouble.

It must be hard for her when her friends daughters are all loving and sentimental around mothers day, and I just cant say the things - like you've always been a wonderful mum to me - which I know she'd love, but she hasnt. She put me down a lot when I was young, never supporting me over anyone else. I know her friends have fostered loving relationships with their daughters all their lives, I feel she has only really tried (in her odd way) since I've had children.

If I were to confront her, she would cry and shut herself away and never say sorry or acknowledge anything. it would be too hard to acknowledge this kind of stuff anyway, a total rejection which she is too vulnerable to face and which I would feel far too cruel to inflict.

But I'm old enough not to blame my parents for everything, and yet I am holding onto this resentment - does anyone have any ways to let it dissipate without bringing it all up and causing family rows?

I have always been really supportive of her and her traumas, of which she has had many, but she seems unable to understand that I too have feelings, unless it is something which she has already had and then she is very concerned.

Also it is easy to avoid the destructive behaviour that your parents inflicted on you that you are now aware of, but some of it must have filtered through subconsciously and probably comes out automatically towards your children without you being aware, it is probably harder to break the mould than we know.

Happy mothers day

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who wants to be a Mum! My Mother is the ice queen and despite living 20 minutes away and being in good health (as is my hen pecked dad)she has seen her 3 granddaughters about 10 times (the eldest is 12). I have never had an offer of babysitting, looking after them for a day during the holidays, coming to school plays etc. My parents are quite well off and we are not despite my husband working really hard. I asked if i could borrow some money to buy an instrument for my daughter to continue her music lessons but was met with a no,'all our money is tied up' which I know to be untrue. i know that when she talks to her friends she pretends to be the doting mum and grandma but that is the last thing she is. After no contact from her for 6 months I received a call on Mothers day thanking me for the card and flowers i sent her, and she spoke to me as if I was some telesales person!! I have now decided enough is enough and will no longer make any effort to contact her or see her.

Stressedout, sounds just like my situation, you are not alone! I too have decided to get on with my life and try not to torture myself about my mother. She likes to refuse any kind of invitation I give her, so why do I keep asking and torturing myself. So that's it, me, my husband and my children come first and if she wants to come round she'll have to phone me (of course she wouldn't just drop in. After apologising for calling me self centred and selfish the other day she (wonders never cease) did apologise but when she came round for my sons birthday she may no attempt to chat or show affection. So that's it I'm going to get all hard.

Daffodil, I appreciate what you are going through. I too have very negative feelings about my mother. She was very strict when we were children, and her style of parenting would today be called abusive. There are a lot of things I remember, like contemplating how would be the easiest way to kill myself, that I feel very angry for, worse now that I have children. i don't believe ANYONE should be made to feel that useless, let alone a child. However, since I have got older she has tried more. She still does things that make me angry, and I too will never send her a card that says she has always been there for me, but I have decided not to let it bother me any more. The negative feelings did not hurt her, only me, as I am careful not to say anything about it, knowing that it would result in a complete break from my parents. Also, as I have got older, I understand a bit more what she was going through, although not condoning it. Four kids in 5 years would probably get most people stressed out, plus a dad who ran his own business & so was never at home. As you can see, it really is mixed feelings, but I really don't have either the time or the emotional energy to worry about what might have been, I just remember it whenever I am tempted to get too cross with my daughters, and hopefully they will have totally different memories! It also helps to find more people here who went through the same thing, who have all got through it. Thinking of you all, and here's hoping we all know better when it comes to our own kids.

To any other mumsnet reader who has not had a happy childhood I would strongly recommend two things. First, try and find someone (possibly professional) to talk to about it all. By discussing how we feel about these aspects of our life it can be a source of great relief. It also is a form of mental processing and sometimes means that certain memories can be laid to rest rather than constantly picking over them.
Second, remember that you are in charge of your own life now. I remember the feeling of relief as soon as I started at university because I knew that I was free. As adults we all can make our own choices for the future. I always think to myself that unless I am being physically coerced (ie a gun at my head) I can make a choice in most situations. Sometimes choices are hard and unpleasant but at least they are our own.
I hope you all had a happy mothers day. Mine was great. I got a card made with sticky glue and bits of paper, which only a mother could love and the Dido CD, which anyone could love - I recommend it.

I left home 20 years ago and have a happy family life of my own. But the feelings of frustration, anger, guilt, anxiety, resentment (I could go on) are still always waiting in the wings. The smallest thing can trigger them. The feeling that my parents are too old to change makes it worse. I feel I have missed my chance - we will never have the conversations that I needed to have. I have always been too scared of the explosions and repercussions. The one time I tried resulted in an appalling scene. How could I upset them, say such hurtful things etc. On the whole living with the status quo is easier.

I think i used to idealise my mother, and always used to think I'd have a great relationship with her when I had kids. two things happened around the birth of my Ist child: my Dad died a month later, and then my Mum was seriously ill. since then she has been very different in her behaviour to me, hardly speaks to me or responds, never listens when i try to chat to her. I also feel she queries everything I do , never accepting the need for carseats for example and disliking my friends. I often wonder whther she hates being the grandmother, resents me for being a mother when she was seen as the perfect mother, (although failing to protect us from my father's violence makes that a bit of a joke) or whether the other events, my fathers death and her illness changed her.

I'd love to hear if anyone has any experience of this phenomenon, a once good mother daughter relationship changing, possibly due to the daughter becoming a mother.

Also the issue of contact is a difficult one. I am sometimes tempted to cut off contact with my remaining family. I think if possible, you are best to draw boundaries for them I've had to insist that we don't have contact with my mother and brother at the same time as they have an abusive relationship that is upsetting for my children to witness. But making that request was very difficult and both of them were and are deeply critical of me for it, so it is very hard to do. One thing that has spurred me to assert myself with my family of origin is the need to stick up for my children's rights and my three year old needs me now so probably more later

My mother-in-law is a very negative person, she always has a string of put-downs, and never offers any praise or encouragement, and my husband can't remember having any hugs or cuddles. I don't know how he and his brothers developed any self-esteem. She even behaves this way with her grandsons, and shows no interest whatsoever in their achievements, and is very quick to point out their mistakes. Fortunately we don't see a lot of them, so I don't expect it will have a great impact on my sons.

However, it has inspired us, and I think it should inspire us all, to work harder at our parenting. I always tell my boys I love them at least once every day, especially after a bad day (like today). And I try and give them loads of positive interest and encouragement for their achievements, and lots of kisses and cuddles too.

I have just read through the entire thread on Mothers and on the one hand I find it all extremely depressing in a "I hope our children don't end up feeling like this about us" kind of way. Yet, most importantly it confirms what I've been saying to myself for a long, long time, that many families have bizarre, even damaging relationships, but many people move on and break the cycle. Good for everyone! Parents are not perfect, parents are human. We all make mistakes, however, like many people in this thread I have found it very difficult to let go of the trauma from my childhood (that my parents refuse to acknowledge, so consumed with their own experiences of it), I constantly carry a love-hate relationship on my shoulders with regards to my parents. I have come to a point where I can say I love my parents but I don't like them. Which is sad. The guilt and the obligation that can go with such destructive relationships can be scary! However, having two children of my own I have learnt that parenting is not easy but that neither of my children owe me a thing. They are on loan to us until they are of an age when they can go out into the big wide world independently. Hopefully, if my partner and I have done our job well, they will choose to return to us of their own free will. I do believe the more I talk to my peer group (early thirties) that there is almost an entire generation (particularly of women) who find it difficult to relate to their parents (particularly their mothers). Of course I generalise and I know it isn't across the board but what happened as we grew up in the seventies that meant so many of us would have difficult relationships with our parents? The constant refrain "It is so easy for you nowadays with your washingmachines/disposable nappies/childcare provision/'new' men (you don't deserve)...etc, seems significant somehow.

Finally returning to the point at the beginning of my message; thank goodness that so many parents are so aware of the potential damage they too could be doing to their children if they choose to continue feeding these destructive relationships in front of our children. Walk away and let it go. It's sad, even heartbreaking, but as parents ourselves our priorities change and we have to let go for the sake of our own children as well as ourselves.

I have just been scrolling through all the correspondence about mothers, and it makes really sad reading. I think the problem is that there is now so much information around and "relationships" are top of the agenda, that all young mums are forced into introversion about their relationship with their mother.

I was a mother in the 70s and I admit that some of our parenting techniques now seem archaic. But we did not have the plethora of advice which is now available and some of us perhaps misinterpreted dear old Dr Spock. But what I would say in defence of 70's mothers is that we all did our best in our admittedly pathetic way and merely followed the current trends. Of course, looking back we would all like to have had the knowledge which today's mums have, to say nothing of the disposable nappies, etc.

May I therefore plead for a little more understanding and tolerance on the part of the 21 century mother towards her mother - 99% of whom I am sure wish to be not only good mothers but good grandmothers also.

And canI recommend a book which mums might want to give to grandmothers? "Grandmothers of the Revolution" available from the Institute of Community Studies", which is a series of essays written by famous and not-so-famous women on their experience as a grandmother. It could help
both parties.

I hear you Liza. My mother has gone on yet another walking holiday. She told me 24 hours before she was going and that she wouldn't be home for her 70th birthday (6 days later). This left me no time to sort out cards or anything from the children. This behaviour makes me so cross. It's like she's playing a game all the time. She calls me selfish for some strange reason when the only person she looks out for is herself. I refuse to carry on playing these 'games' and I won't now contact her unless I need to. I know nothing of her life, her friends (unless she's dumped them) etc. I'm fed up with it and from now on like I said in a previous message, my husband and children come first and I won't put myself in a situation where she can keep letting me down and making me miserable.

Hello Star

No, my relationship with my mother was not a good one and she did not do much to help when my children were small. But that is one of the reasons I try to help my children now - because I know what it's like not to have much help or support with young children.

Rhiannon - I can imagine how bitter you are feeling about your mother, but do make sure that you are reading the vibes correctly. My daughter and I went through a very bad period recently because we both got hold of the wrong end of the stick and it was not until my other daughter intervened and spoke to both of us separately that we realised we had been reading things into remarks and actions which were not the case. It is vital to talk, however difficult this may be - perhaps over few glasses of red wine like Star!

my mother died when i was 21 but up to then we had had a fairly mediocre relationship; she was critical and more concerned with "what will the neighbours say?" than with how anybody was feeling...
but she was born in 1922, had a fairly brutal father who drank and womanised, was bright but had to leave school at 14 to work in an office, was the eldest daughter of 3 and watched her 2 younger sisters having a somewhat better time than her; discovered that the man she married (wartime relationship) was lazy and unambitious and not the way he had seemed - i think most women of her generation had a pretty lean time and just had to get on with it, talking about feelings and relationships the way people do now just didn't happen.

and even the younger ones, who were children during the war and teenagers in the austerity years, even up to the late 50s, must find it frustrating that the following generations had so much more freedom, and also that the way they were told to raise their kids turned out to be wrong after all.

i think many of them are carrying a lot of emotional baggage which has messed them up but which they just can't deal with. if my mother were still alive she would be coming up to 79 - her 2 sisters are still alive and they are pretty strange (one will not speak to the other and hasn't for over 20 years. when her husband died she didn't want her sister to know) so i don't suppose i would get on with her much better now than i did as a teenager!
i feel so sorry for the mothers, and the daughters, who are missing out on what should be such pleasant years with grandchildren.

I think we all have to accept our mothers for who they are - after all, they're hardly likely to change now are they? Instead perhaps we should concentrate on not making the same mistakes with our children.

My mother is self-obsessed, she is a depressive and all I can remember of her during my teens, is her either crying or having a panic attack. She was never there for me when I was getting bullied at school, and later at work. She had six of us and we all feel a little neglected in our own ways, yet she fostered (still does) children and gave them more attention than she gave us. She likes to be seen as 'good' and 'enduring', when she cannot cope with life, she will become 'ill' and depressed, asking us for support. This sounds harsh but her illnesses are all attention-seeking. Yes, she had a pretty harsh childhood and a loveless marriage, but now her kids have suffered too. My sister is just like my mum now, but my mum does nothing to support her, not even when she almost miscarried a few weeks ago. Luckily I am quite independent and expect nothing more from my mother other than love - which I am sure she gives. My daughter has a lovely grandma on my husband's side who gives her lots of love and attention.

I still hurt at my mum's apparent indifference to us and her constant wailing about her life, without stopping to ask about mine. But she's my mum, I still love her, and I can understand why she is this way. I will ensure that I will always endeavour to put my daughter first and not to make the mistakes my mum has made - though I'm sure when my daughter is older, she'll find something to complain about!

Dear All,

I had a very abusive childhood, at the hands of my mother who I am convinced is mentally ill and obsessively jealous to the point of loathing anything female in her immediate vicinity. As a result she used every possible method available to her to alienate me from the family and from school mates. I won't go into details but I was forced to wear foreign national clothing in a school which had a strict school uniform. As a result I was ostracised and bullied. I will not describe the methods used at home, but my father did nothing to protect me or stop the abuse.

I was beaten and starved on a regular basis and although the school saw the bruising, whip marks and my extreme pallor, nothing ever happened because my mother made a point of being seen in church as a "good christian" every Sunday. I was told I was ugly, stupid and that I would go to hell because I was evil. As a result I spent my childhood trying desperately hard not to be a girl
and hid my self in my books (which my mother confiscated as I was not permitted to read as a child).Of course it was all my fault.

I would have forgiven them for all of this had they had the honesty to admit to what they did, but when I attempted to talk to them about it they
acted as if it was all a figment of my imagination. I don't want apologies, I just want to know WHY? and for them to own up to what happened.

Their behaviour towards my 4 children is equally reprehensible. Not once have they bought a new present for the children. Nothing. I had hoped that things would change with their grandchildren and find it hard to express my disappointment. As a result I have severed all ties to these awful people.

I know I should accept them for what they are but that means accepting what they did to me, which I am no longer prepared to accept.

Hedgehog, reading about a childhood like yours makes me ever thankful that mine was relatively peaceful and happy. You must have had great courage and belief in yourself to come through it. I'm not sure I would have been so strong.

Can I ask you a question if this is not too personal? What strategies did you use for coping with your parent's treatment of you, as a child? How did you manage to avoid going under?

Please don't answer this if it is too painful.

Hedgehog, this sounds awful and I cannot imagine the horrors. Have you read the book 'A Boy called it?' by Dave Pelzer, it may be too close for comfort but I found it a profoundly moving book, it is part of a trilogy which ends with a 'Man named Dave' which talks about his success, against the odds, as a parent.

Most importantly you must continue to believe that they are the ones totally at fault through either illness or cowardice and that you are in no way to blame.

Dear Tigermoth,

My survival strategy was simple, I lived in a dream world where nothing could really touch me or hurt me, fuelled by excessive reading! I didn't actually come out of this dream world until I was about 21, several years after I had left home. When I was whipped, I used to imagine that I was a medieval knight and would take the beating without a whimper, which of course spurred them onto greater frenzy. I spent most of my childhood in the middle ages.

Several years of my childhood I have blanked out completely, I really remember very little of those particular years, but I do remember the nightmares quite vividly.

I think this imaginary world probably saved me from drugs and alcohol because I did not need any form of stimulant to enter into my other world. Even now when I hear certain songs from the mid 70's to early 80's I find that they switch me over into my own personal haze.

Even if there had been something like childline in those days, I would have been too scared to use it, for fear of my mother finding out and punishing me even more.

What I find quite upsetting, I know it is stupid, is when my daughters complain about their nice clothes (as all kids do), I can't help thinking how I would have given the world to have had such nice things when I was young and to have been able to invite my friends round. (Friends were strictly forbidden in the house.)I try so hard to ensure my children's happiness and get really upset sometimes by their trivial complaints,(i.e. flares not wide enough!)I know it is silly but I can't help it.