Am I the only person with a miserable mother?

[Rhiannon]

She lives 3 miles away, has never worked is not rich but lives comfortably. She is so miserable and so tight she nearly squeaks when she walks. We don't have much in common I know but just to get her to come to my home is a miracle. She's a saver me a spender. I like to go shopping, I like my house to look nice and I think my kids are wonderful. I don't think she has ever said a nice word about me or my family. She is always complaining about my son's behaviour, what I buy even though it's often second hand. My son is 6 next week my mother has never been in a shop like Mothercare (2 miles up the road parking right out side)for either of her 2 grandchildren. She has had an unhappy marriage for 45 years but it obviously can't be that unhappy or she'd do something about it. My Dad is obsessed with his two grandchildren and will tuck them in bed whenever he can, may be that's why she stays away.
Constructive criticism only please.

Sorry to go on about this, but typing it all out does seem to help. Fluid is still getting onto Billy's heart so the possibility of open heart surgery looms ever closer. My sister is finding it hard to keep his spirits up (as a nurse, he knows what the operation will entail and he is petrified) and she is becoming increasingly depressed too. She is relying on friends to look after the kids, her MIL has guests this week so cannot help out as much. My mother is still on holiday and thinks that by phoning my sis twice a day, she is doing her bit. I just cannot believe that she could do this! She only lives down the road from my sis, there is so much she could do to help, instead my sis is having to carry this burden alone.
I have said I will spend some time with her this week, though I have a baby of my own and no transport. If my mum was around, I wouldn't have to do this. I feel so angry right now and am dreading having to speak to my mum for fear of what I might say to her, my sis is so emotionally drained I want to cry for her.
How can my mother be so selfish? Why does she insist on putting herself before her own children?
I want to cry as I'm writing this, she has never been there for any of us and it is hearbreaking to see my sis going through this on her own. I have one other sister who has also been badly let down by my mum, and she has put her own life on hold for a while to help out.
Sorry, I don't know what else to say, I think I'll just go and scream at a wall or something!

Dear Lisav and all others out there who find themselves in similar relationships,
the only advise I feel that I can add to this rather deep discussion is to record what you've divulged here. At some time in the future your relationships may heal (miracles do happen - not as often as we'd like though!) and you may be able to share these raw feelings and emotions to them then. The other more realistic situation you will have to acknowledge and face is that one day your children will question your lack of relationship with the "problem" person in your family - parent or sibling.
I am one of the lucky ones. My Grandmother hated her MIL (for reasons no one knows) and her own mother died when she was a teenager leaving her to play mother to her siblings. This hardened her as a person and consequently when it came her turn to be a mother herself was so cold and unemotional that my mother never really felt loved. When my mother first entered motherhood herself she made so many mistakes (to the detriment of my older two siblings) but fortunately realised that she was repeating the cycle and with the last four she got a lot better as she went along.
I am the only one who ever asked her directly why her relationship with her mother was so strained and am so pleased that I did and that she answered me honestly and openly.
I can't give any advise on how to relate to your "problem" individual but all I can do is to remind you to be careful how you relate these issues and feelings to your own children until such time as they are able to understand more fully the situation. They learn to a small extent how to respond to their parents and siblings in adulthood by how they see you respond to your parents and siblings. So be aware that although their eyes and ears are always open - they may not yet have developed the understanding to see the situation from your side.
It's a really tough situation to be in. But this (mumsnet) is a great forum for you to tap into - that our mothers and grandmothers would have probably killed for!

Message withdrawn

Lisav, it might be worth your sister speaking to her health visitor. I'm sure that Health authorities offer help to people in your sister's circumstances. ie support with children etc, look into it for her if she hasn't got the time or energy.

Hi Bloss

I just got back from my sister's. Billy came home for the day on Thursday, but looked pale and tired - he was only allowed out because he is a nurse himself and knows how to give himself intravenous antibiotics. It will be a week yet before they decide to operate or not.
My sister - well what can I say? She visits him in the morning, takes the kids in the afternoon and then visits him again in the evening - and she will have to go back to work this week. She is exhausted, emotionally drained, worried, etc. My mother is still on her holiday and will not be back until Sunday.

Thanks for your concern, I will keep you posted, but so far there is still a 50:50 chance he will have to have surgery.

Thanks Rhiannon, I might just do that.

Okay this is going to be a long one, so apologies in advance. I have changed my name for this (sorry) as I am fairly ashamed of a lot of it.

I have always had a really difficult relationship with my mother. From a very young age we got on badly and she physically and emotionally abused both my brother and I. By the time I was in my mid teens she was an alcoholic (still is, though refuses to admit it), and I think, also stole prescription drugs from her workplace. She got sacked from at least one job because of her drinking and the fact that she didn't get on with colleagues.

She also had a terrible relationship with my father, where there was a great deal of verbal violence, very, very nasty personl stuff and a fair bit of physical violence. At the same time, she never ever showed any love towards me, nor ever encouraged me in any way. She called me ugly, and compared me to other children constantly, always saying they were better than me in some way.

When I left home as early as possible to go to college she showed very little interest, and in fact refused to travel to the halls of residence I was in. I know part of this was jealousy, as she never had the chances that I did, but at the time I felt very upset by it.

As time went on visits home became more and more unpleasant. My mother and father argued constantly, and showed little interest in me (although they were different with my brother to a point). There came a time when I decided I just didn't want to go through this nastiness any more, so I stopped contacting them. They phoned me half a dozen times, and sent me a Xmas card and that was it. So there was no real effort on their side either.

This went on for over 3 years, and then my dad died of a heart attack very suddently. Of course my mum contacted me and, well, it was a nightmare. I felt and still do feel so guilty even my best friends don't know what happened. I will never ever forgive myself. I went and looked after my mother and really tried to start a new relationship with her, but I couldn't. I had my dd a year after my dad died. The morning I phoned my mum from hospital to tell her, she called me a selfish bitch for not breast feeding. I had tried, and just couldn't manage it.

As my dd grew, my mother visited several times a year and we also saw her. The relationship was still not good, but sort of staggered on. I wouldn't let her babysit because she is still an alcoholic. We had one discussion which was a very calm one. SHe asked me why we couldn't be friends and I must admit I was gobsmacked. I explained how unloved in childhood I had felt, and how the violence in the household had really upset me. She pooh-poohed it all, and tried to deny everything. She admitted she loved my brother more, because it is natural for women to love their sons more! She also said I was a very difficult child to love.

A while later my brother's wife became pregnant and my mum started saying things to my dd like "are you going to be jealous now that there is a new, cuter baby in the family?". She also started criticising her appearance - "its such a shame your hair is brown now" - which is exactly the sort of thing she said to me.

After my brother's son was born, my mother stopped contacting me. She visits my brother who is 10 mins drive away from me to see her grandson and never bothers to come and see us. It has been nearly a year now. I have phoned her and she has slammed the phone down on me.

So the question is - do I just let everything go? My dd has a wonderful grandmother already so she will grow up knowing it is possible for women to get on. Also, what happens if my mother starts treating my dd as badly as she treated me? Should I make one last ditched attempt to salvage something from this awful relationship or just let it go? I love my dd so much I feel that I should be protecting her from people like my mother. Any advice, please?

dear upset, what a sad story. I feel for you as I have also had a very traumatic relationship with my own mother.

I have to say that my immediate feeling is that you should try and create a life for yourself and dd without your mother. She is clearly a very confused, jealous person. It must be horrible to think that she might treat your dd as she did you. Perhaps in time you could meet once or twice a year, but for now I would concentrate on healing yourself and raising your dd without this poison in your life.

Don't feel guilty. You have clearly already tried to salvage the relationship and your efforts have come to nothing. You have your dd to think about now. Try to move on and face the future positively. Lots of love and good luck.

Dear Upset, I agree with Enid, sometimes you just have to 'let go' of relationships and accept that they aren't (for the time being) going to work out. This has happened with my brother & I who used to be very close, now we barely speak. I used to get very, very upset about it but now I accept that I have done as much as I can & concentrate on all the other wonderful relationships I have with families & friends.

My advice would be to try & remain 'polite' - ie: sending birthday cards etc and don't 'bad-mouth' about your mother to anyone (except Mumsnetters!) because these sorts of all things always get back to people.

Concentrate on the positive things in your life & building your relationship with your own DD. Good luck.

Upset, you poor thing, sorry to hear it. Yes I agree with the others. You must build a wall (an invisible one obviously) around yourself to protect yourself from this kind of verbal assualt. It is basically mental cruelty and it sounds like you've had enough to last a lifetime. I think she's basically jealous of your happiness and achievements. To admit to loving one child more than another is quite frankly disgusting. Cherish what you already have. R

Upset, lots of sympathy for you and your dd. This awful situation has been going on for so long. I simply don't know how I would have coped with it.

The idea of finally cutting off contact with your mother, the very person who gave birth to you, must raise so many emotions. But then it sounds like you really need to protect your daughter from her damaging attitude.

I have very few living relatives. Of my mother's generation, there is one cousin left. Luckily he is a lovely man. He is the only person who can tell me about my mother's life before I was born and talk to me about other past family members whom I dimly remember. If we had no contact, as an only child, I would feel far more bereft of family. If you lose contact with your mother, will lots of family knowledge be lost for your daughter? Is your mother the only surviving relative who knew you as a young child? This depends on the size of your extended family, of course. You have a brother, Upset, so your daughter already has another good family reference point. I'm certainly not saying keep in contact with your mother for this reason, but I do think it's something to bear in mind before you decide.

I suppose your decision to cut off contact can either be open ended - nothing said, but just not phoning again unless she phones you, or more final - an announcement to your mother that this is the end, and you will put the phone down etc if she contacts you again.

If you go the former route, this makes it easier for your daughter to contact your mother later on, if she wants to. But is that a freedom you want to give her?

If you go the latter route, would it make you feel better to name past grievences, like her alcoholism and threat to your daughter's future happiness, so that she is under no illusion that you are ending it for no good reason?

Or could you say a final goodbye, and tell her if she wants to know why, she only has to ask you.

No answers, I'm afraid, just sympathy.

Upset, this sounds awful, I felt emotional reading your post.

Maybe a question to ask is what can you change? It doesn't sound as if you can change your mother or her behaviour, but perhaps you can change your reaction to it? I don't mean that your reactions are unreasonable because they definitely are not. I suppose I'm wondering if you can maintain some contact but on your terms: you meet somewhere neutral and if/when she makes an offensive comment tell her that you find it unacceptable and that you have to leave now. I do realise though that there are only a certain amount of times you can do that and that you are not responsible for her behaviour, she is.

If she is an alcoholic in denial maybe she's in denial about her past behaviour too? Alcoholism does make people do and say strange things, which is not to excuse her, but just an observation.

I agree that you have to protect your dd and that you should therefore make it clear to your mother that certain comments are unacceptable and inappropriate.

Whatever, try not to feel ashamed - it doesn't sound to me as if any of this is your fault at all.

Dear upset,I just want to add my sympathy to you.
I too agree with everything Enid said.
You have definitly tried your best and each time she slams the phone down it must hurt you deeply.
I would advise you cut all contact for yours and your dd's sake.
What does your brother make of this?
Again , sending cyber hugs your way{{{{{}}}}}}.

Thank you Mumsnetters for some wonderful messages. I really did not expect so much support and thoughtful advice.

I suppose one of the reasons I am hesitating to finally stop all contact is my brother. Poor thing, he has to cope with her nastiness (although she often apologies) on a much more regular basis than me as he is more contact with her. However with him she is less personal most of the time - just ranting and raving.

Tigermoth1, all the thoughts I have of contact bear my daughter in mind, and I have raised the very same questions as you. Yes - if we stop contact with her we will lose a whole side of her family, she has a brother whom is in ill health and I have not a huge amount of contact with, although we get on.

I think I will do as Lindy suggested - remain polite, send cards etc but not encourage contact - why is it this wonderfully simple idea never occurred to me ?! If and when my dd asks about her grannie (bearing in mind she hasn't seen her for a year and has asked about her once) I will ask her if she wants to see her again and take it from there. I will also explain to my brother why I am doing this.

It is strange but I read back my own message after posting it and realised that enough is enough. Once again thanks to everyone, I feel that I am making the right decision

Upset - does your daughter get to see her father's family? Can they make up for the love she will never have from your mother?

I have a friend whose husband's family have been just as horrible. They would constantly pick on her and put her down at every given opportunity. She is very timid and quiet and eventually she got fed up of the snipes and sniggers and so stopped going to the family get-togethers. Then she got nasty phone calls accusing her of taking her partner away from them. His mother started to circulate nasty rumours in the church and around the town about her. They would turn up on her doorstep shouting abuse at her. During all of this she was also going for IVF as she couldn't catch, that failed and so she was desperately depressed.

Finally they both moved home, which meant uprooting from her own family and all she knew. But even then the nightmare did not end. They adopted two children and for their sakes my friend tried to make amends with his family. She took them to the local church to see their grandmother, but she pushed them aside. His mother would even telephone her family to spread untrue rumours and lies. She told the priest and various other family friends that my friend was mentally unstable and an unfit mother. If these rumours had been taken seriously, their children could have been at risk of being taken into care!

Now they have had their own child, and my friend sent her m-i-l a letter telling her that she wanted to put the past behind them and start afresh. The letter she got in reply was downright nasty. They have now decided that enough is enough, they have severed all contact with his family, apart from Christmas cards to one of his sisters. It was a big step to take as he has a large family, but they felt it was the only thing they could do to keep their sanity. My friend was terrified of answering the telephone, every time she visited her family she would be looking over her shoulder in case she saw them. The worst thing is that they still harrass her family, so she can never escape them.

One day his parents will pass away. But they will not feel guilty about it. They did all they could to make amends, and ended up being treated with contempt.

Don't beat yourself up about it Upset. You obviously make your mum so insecure that she resorts to this kind of behaviour, which is damaging for you and your child. I say well done on getting as far as you have, it could have so easily gone the other way. You have shown tremendous strength of character and now you need to be strong again. Do as has been suggested and send only cards at the appropriate times. I am sure that the rest of your family can see what is going on and so they wouldn't ostracise you for limiting contact with your mother. You don't have to put up with abuse, and by taking this stand, maybe you will encourage your brother to do similiar. I'm afraid your mother will probably never change, but you have a clear conscience in knowing that you have done all you can and you have not severed all contact with her, you are still there should she wish to hold out the olive branch.

Good luck.

upset, I started this thread sometime last year. I'm not going to look down as I know I'll only re-read it all again.

The way I now cope is this. I have stopped asking my mother if she would like to come round or to go out with us as I know what the answer will be. Quite often she says she might pop in at lunch time she then says but don't wait in for me. But of course we do in the hope that will but she doesn't!

I don't now ask for an opinion or tell her good news as it all gets poo pooed. I'm just protecting myself from the knockbacks really and have learned through this site that others have suffered far worse than me. R

Upset i also have a mother from hell.She had an affair when i was 12 and expected me to help hide it from my father,eventually i had to tell him and he left,she then never spoke to me for 3 weeks,which for a 12 year old is rather upsetting.The man she had the affair with she then married and procedeed to cast ouit myself and my brothers and sister,concentrating all her efforts into her new partner.Not long after i was abused by a friends uncle,unable to turn to anyone i took an overdose and was unconcious in my bedroom for 2 whole days and nights and my darling mother never realised that i wasn't around,fortunately i was fine and have suffored no ill effects of the od.This carried on until i met my dp and left home at 17.I had my first child at 19,she was present at his birth and loved playing the doting grandmother but still we suffered lack of her attention.My ds1 has recently been diagnosed as having AS(see other thread)and one of his problems of this disorder is that he is clumsy and as such is a frequent visitor to our local hospital,the first time at 13 mths for a broken leg,my mother took me to hospital and left me alone (dh uncontactable at work)as the doctors scrutinised my baby for other signs of child abuse.She was also present at the birth of ds2 and again played the doting grandmother to outsiders but to us her behaviour continued.Anyway the upshot is that i have visited a solicitor to have a living will written up stating that she should have no guardianship of my boys should anything happen to us.I stopped contacting her after another hospital incident where my sister was babysitting ds1 and he fell out of bunkbed,he was fine at time so she put him back in,15 mins after i came in from work he started vomiting and didn't know where he was or who i was,he was rushed to hospital and eventually docs decided to give him a c.t scan at 2 in the morning,my father contacted my mother but she refused to come to me at the hospital as she didn't think it was so bad,i ask you they brought in an emeergency team to do a hundreds of pounds procedure at 2am and she didn't think it was so bad.so i just didn't speak or phone again i have walked by her in the local shopping centre with ds1 in plaster and have totally ignored her and her me so i just don't care anymore.i suffered depression for 4 years which through counselling i have discovered my problems are my mother full stop so after 4 years suffering i am now strong enough to say i don't need her for anything anymore.All i can say is think about yourself and your kids and remember your not alone.

Reading all of these has certainly brought up a lot of things i haven't felt in awhile. And it seems that having my dd also dredges things up once more that may have been lurking in the background, never quite going away.

I find myself now asking people "what did your parents do right/wrong with you? what would you do different/same?" because I am so determined (terrified?) to not repeat what happened in our family. (Some great responses, BTW)

My parents had six of us in eight years (no twins!). My dad died of cancer when he was 46, and while it had been rough in our house before that, it got much worse as my mother then drank & drank & drank to deal, so we really lost two parents not one. When she did come out of her stupor she yelled, verbally abused and hit. (On a daily basis "Who do you think you are?!? Whack!). My sister and I received the bulk of it - for some reason total resentment of us as we grew into teens and then went off to college. Lots of details not necessary, but my friends were always coming to my rescue, putting me up between school sessions, etc.

The result - six children and only one lives near her. We are spread all over the states, on different coasts I think to keep as much distance as possible. Very sad as my sibling are some of the most wonderful people I have ever known.

The catch is this - you only get one mom -and who could ever truly stop hoping for that unconditional love? Fortunately, therapy did work wonders for me (finally!) My counsellor (sp?) really hit it on the head when she explained "you deserved a mother that loved & cared & protected you. and you didn't have that and nothing will ever change that, and that totally s*s. And you have every right to be sad & angry and you need to grieve that loss, and stop trying to make that relationship be more than it can be." Because for YEARS I would try to please, and the praise never came.

Mom is now on meds (thank you Mom!) and things are much better (only see each other a few times a year - distance is so nice!). Mind you, she still begins every phone conversation with "how is your weight, dear?"

Upset, I think putting space between is a wise idea. And if you can do that without severing all ties, that may be easier as you won't constantly be thinking "should I get in touch? Will she get in touch?" And also be able to keep your bro. in your life, etc.

Finally - all 6 of us put ourselves through college, and most on to masters. Solid careers, friendships, relationships etc. What one would think are the indicators of a "successful" life. Yet, 3 have attempted to take their lives and a few have struggled with alcohol/drug abuse. The incredible damage that abuse by one who should love/protect you is so incredibly deep, I wish that you do whatever you must to protect you and your family...

Whew! So long winded! And yet I feel I could go on forever. Loobie, Upset and everyone else on this thread - you are in my heart and I am pulling for you...

I would appreciate some input for a small survey of grandparents' attitudes towards their grown up children.
Who here, with parents still living in the family home less than an hour's drive away, has to phone in advance to let their parents know they are going to drop by? And who feels free to drop in unannounced?
All contributions gratefully received...

Always phone in advance. Don't know why really, they are 15 minutes away. Probably just to save a wasted journey if they're not in or just going out or if inconvenient in general. R

We always ring my mil, about 30 mins drive away. Partly as a courtesy (she might be waxing her BIG moustache...sorry, don't know where that came from), mainly because I would most certainly not want her dropping in on us unannounced in return. We would also ring my parents if they lived close enough, and I think they would ring us too, so as to save a wasted journey - as Rhiannon suggests.

Sorry to side track a wee bit but I bought the orginal 'miserable mother' a Mothers Day card today and it wasn't till I got home today that I realised that inside it says 'to my best friend' Ha Ha!!

I'm certainly a ring first person! I may invite myself over, but I iwll always call first. But then I would do this with anyone, even if I was driving past. I have a friend who lives about 5 mins walk away, and I think I have only turned up once unannounced, otherwise I call even if it to say I am on my way. For me it's a courtesy thing.

Marina, why can't I stop laughing at that imagine of your MIL !
Mum is 2 streets away and welcome any time, night or day (as are we at hers) but always phones to make sure it's convenient. I have to say it really bugs me when people just drop by unannounced.