What happens if domestic abuse is suspected?

[plsnojudgement]

Anon for obvious reasons.

Ive been going through a difficult time with my husband for a while now and whilst I’ve accepted at some point I need to leave, Im not ready to yet so please do t advise me to do that. I do however have a couple of questions and would appreciate anyone’s expertise. Sorry for how long this is but I think I need to explain why it’s so much of an issue, and I probably need to get this off my chest too. But in short I want to know what would happen if I went to my GP or minor injuries unit etc with visible injuries on me which would pretty obviously be from someone?

The full sad story if you want it: He has a drinking problem - if it was up to him he would come home every night after work and drink 3/4 beers and a wine. Maybe sometimes a small bottle of spirits. Things are particularly bad when he is stressed and he has depression and anxiety. He’s been going through a very difficult time the last few years, which has resulted in his professional body being involved and restrictions put on him around drinking and drugs as part of wider measures around his mental health. He’s managed to hide the extent of the problem to his professional body but they still test him regularly and he adjusts his alcohol consumption near the test dates so it doesn’t come back as high as it normally would. This means he regularly goes for 6 weeks or so without drinking anything.

He is going through a very difficult time at work and looks like he’s about to lose his job (not due to the issues he’s faced), which is going to put us in severe financial difficulty. There aren’t many other jobs around which pay as well. He’s very stressed about it and the last 2 nights he’s been binge drinking. He was sober most of tonight until about 1am when he went to his car and got a bottle of wine. We had a small argument about it -
no shouting or anything - but I tried to just sleep. I woke up an hour or so later to hear him going through all my stuff looking for my car keys, which I keep hidden as I keep spare alcohol in there (eg stuff left over from Christmas and having family over, or just a bottle of wine if I fancy a glass occasionally - I don’t drink often though and max 2 glasses a night once a week or so).

keys were hidden in my bedside table and when I refused to tell him where they were he started screaming at me and throwing my things over the floor, he found them and I tried to grab them off him. What resulted was a bit of a tussle - I was shouting at him and trying to wrestle them off him, he was screaming in my face and pushing me away etc. in the midst of this he pushed me hard several times, twisted my fingers back, bit me in several places, dragged me across the floor, scratched me. I’m certainly no angel - I definitely caught him with my nails as I was trying to push him off me/get my keys back and I could see a couple of small scratches. I also bit him at one point when he was bending my fingers back and he was on top of me to get him to release them.

I know I should probably have just given him my keys when he started screaming at me to avoid this - but I also know what he’s like when he’s in that mood and drinking and it’s awful, so self-destructive. It’s not the first time something like this has happened although probably the worst in terms of injuries.

The problem is, my hand (and other bits like my arm where he bit me in several places) really hurts from being twisted and tbh I’m not entirely sure what else but it’s very painful and looks swollen. I’m wondering if I need to get it checked in the morning. Problem is I have no real reason for it being like this and I’ve got visible marks all up my arms. What happens if someone in the nhs for example suspects your husband has done this? I can’t have it on my notes for multiple reasons, and even a sniff of anything like this and he will instantly be suspended. That will make my situation a million times worse as we wouldn’t have any money to pay for the house etc (I have a decent job but we are joint on an expensive mortgage and he earns 4x more than me - we have some assets but nothing we can easily access so would pretty much immediately default on the mortgage which would be detrimental to us both). Even when I do split up from him, I don’t want him to lose his whole career - he genuinely is good at it and never goes to work drunk or anything like that. It’s also the only thing stopping him becoming a full blown alcoholic who is drunk all day, every day.

I know the easy answer is to leave him and I almost certainly will as I know this is toxic. I know I also haven’t behaved well. The sad thing is that when he’s not drinking he’s a great husband - in fact, 90% of the time when he’s drinking he’s actually still nice to be around - but when work stress kicks in he becomes a monster). Can I get medical care without making this situation worse?

No judgement here. I do want to comment though, that I haven't seen anyone suggest his behaviour is your responsibility. He, and only he, is responsible for his behaviour. Where you have responsibility is in how you respond to his behaviour.

The fact that you're not rushing to leave him after the recent terrifying escalation in his behaviour suggests to me that you have been suffering abuse for a long time. Someone not used to a situation such as you have experienced in the last few days would leave immediately. But when long term abuse has been experienced, it's like the boiled frog analogy, the abused person doesn't notice how bad things are getting. Additionally, they blame themselves.

Please, please, please, if you do nothing else, call Women's Aid and have a chat with them.

It would also be helpful to you to have a look at the book I linked to yesterday, it's a link to the whole book, you don't have to pay anything.

Also, abuse thrives in secrecy. Please tell someone you trust. This is not your fault but it's so important now to look after yourself and your safety.

No-one on here is saying you're responsible for his behaviour. If you stick around though he'll certainly be blaming you for what he does, and he'll also blame you for what he does if you leave. That is what they do.
Your financial security is already wrecked as you're married to a violent drunk. The sooner you act, the sooner you'll be back on your feet.

@plsnojudgement

I can see you’re determined to make me take all responsibility for him being in a job he’s good at and where there’s a lot of support/monitoring around him to check how he’s doing.

I'm certainly not determined to make you take all responsibility for him being in a job he's good at ... tbh I don't really understand what you mean by that.

I am concerned that you are in a very bad situation right now and that your sense of responsibility for him and his job is rather overdeveloped and you're not looking after yourself properly.

I'm fundamentally concerned for your safety, physical first and mental/emotional second, although you're a stranger. But it's sad and worrying to see another person living in a situation like this. I hope you can leave very soon, plsnojudgement.

OP, the only decision to make is to get out of the house, now.
Just picture yourself making the journey to your mum's, walking through the door, taking your first breath of freedom.
And sleeping in a safe room.
And waking up to a day where you won't have to fight off a man intent on harming, possibly murdering you.
After what he has done to you, strangling is the natural escalation.
You fought him off, you sought help from strangers here, you have come back with questions and possible plans.
You can figure out the rest once you are safely at your mum's.
There is so much help and support in real life-you don't need to sort out the rest of your life tomorrow or next week or even next month.
But you do need to be physically safe, and to see a doctor after you have left.If you ever need to evidence his behaviour, your GP record is perfect.
So is logging his assault with the police, if they arrest him it gives you time to collect more stuff.Even if you don't, you can still ask them to be present when you leave (I would highly recommend this).
Leaving will be the most dangerous time for you, please don't underestimate this. You sound strong and inspirational, but please have someone with you (preferably a couple of big men) if you are in the house-men like him have a tendency to suspect their wife is leaving and turn up/wake up unexpectedly, or have a neighbour on hand to alert them to any comings and goings.
Mine turned up when he should have been on bail 200 miles away (released early, the police didn't inform me in time) and I opened the door to him (I was at the house getting stuff out).
I thought I was going into cardiac arrest-I can only explain it as going from normal to feeling my heart thudding outside my body and absolute terror/dizziness.
And he knew.And smiled.And said in a very kindly voice,"what about the children?"
Unluckily for him, my adult son was upstairs.
But he could so easily not have been.

@plsnojudgement

As the wife of an alcoholic, I totally get how they make us feel responsible for their lives and their 'wellbeing'. That is something you really, really need to understand. He has created this need in you to protect him. This is why you feel that you cannot 'allow' him to lose his job. But you are NOT responsible for him and if he loses his job due to the effects of his drinking (and his violence is a big effect) that is NOT on you! The only one responsible for him is.....HIM. He chooses to drink. He chooses to abuse you. And you know, perhaps if he starts suffering the consequences of his drinking he will get the wake up call he needs. So in a way you holding him responsible for his actions towards you may actually be to his benefit in the long run.

I realized that for all the care I had for my DH, in reality he had none for me. If he did he wouldn't have treated me the way he did before I left, nor would he still be expecting me to be responsible for his life now, when I am gone and trying to build myself a new life. When I look back I see how he was the centre of our marriage and all of us revolved around him. If we didn't, we were 'punished' for it. His was verbal and emotional abuse, but that's no less abuse than hitting or pushing. So you need to realize that your care for him is NOT reciprocated. If he felt it was to his advantage to ruin your career he'd do it in a heartbeat. Never doubt that.

So now, probably for the first time but hopefully not for the last, put yourself first. Get your injuries seen to and if he gets reported, who cares. Because I guarantee that if he thought he could use it to keep you in your place with no detriment to him, he would be on his way to the doctor himself to dump you into the soup.

Get out, even if you have to go to a shelter. Violence escalates, it never goes backward. It will get worse and you could very well end up dead. See a solicitor for legal advice as to what divorce may mean to you.

"As the wife of an alcoholic, I totally get how they make us feel responsible for their lives and their 'wellbeing'. That is something you really, really need to understand. He has created this need in you to protect him. This is why you feel that you cannot 'allow' him to lose his job."

Thank you for explaining this. OP, you've been trained over years to prioritise and defend him, to the point that you still prioritise and defend him when you are at serious risk of him greviously harming you.

OP, he BIT you. He BIT you several times. This is a grown adult man, who is much much stronger than you, who was in NO PHYSICAL DANGER from you at any point in the altercation.

OP: He. BIT. You. Several. Times.

What would you say to a friend who told you her husband bit her all over her arm, OP?

Sorry for sounding a bit abrupt on my last comment but I think you need a wake up call OP. I echo what the other posters are saying about the violence escalating. As for you thinking he deserves to be in a professional position because he’s good at it- he doesn’t. He’s a violent alcoholic. How would you feel if the man teaching your child was actually a raging alcholic and abusing his partner and biting her? Same goes for a surgeon, lawyer, doctor. He does not deserve to be in a professional position. The sooner you realise you aren’t responsible for his actions the better. He will continue to abuse you and see how far he can go with this. He has no respect for you and like others say I’m sure he would have no problem reporting you for any injuries he sustains. You can’t help being married to him now but please go get your injuries checked out and go and stay somewhere safe. Then think about pressing charges and divorce.