What happens if domestic abuse is suspected?

[plsnojudgement]

Anon for obvious reasons.

Ive been going through a difficult time with my husband for a while now and whilst I’ve accepted at some point I need to leave, Im not ready to yet so please do t advise me to do that. I do however have a couple of questions and would appreciate anyone’s expertise. Sorry for how long this is but I think I need to explain why it’s so much of an issue, and I probably need to get this off my chest too. But in short I want to know what would happen if I went to my GP or minor injuries unit etc with visible injuries on me which would pretty obviously be from someone?

The full sad story if you want it: He has a drinking problem - if it was up to him he would come home every night after work and drink 3/4 beers and a wine. Maybe sometimes a small bottle of spirits. Things are particularly bad when he is stressed and he has depression and anxiety. He’s been going through a very difficult time the last few years, which has resulted in his professional body being involved and restrictions put on him around drinking and drugs as part of wider measures around his mental health. He’s managed to hide the extent of the problem to his professional body but they still test him regularly and he adjusts his alcohol consumption near the test dates so it doesn’t come back as high as it normally would. This means he regularly goes for 6 weeks or so without drinking anything.

He is going through a very difficult time at work and looks like he’s about to lose his job (not due to the issues he’s faced), which is going to put us in severe financial difficulty. There aren’t many other jobs around which pay as well. He’s very stressed about it and the last 2 nights he’s been binge drinking. He was sober most of tonight until about 1am when he went to his car and got a bottle of wine. We had a small argument about it -
no shouting or anything - but I tried to just sleep. I woke up an hour or so later to hear him going through all my stuff looking for my car keys, which I keep hidden as I keep spare alcohol in there (eg stuff left over from Christmas and having family over, or just a bottle of wine if I fancy a glass occasionally - I don’t drink often though and max 2 glasses a night once a week or so).

keys were hidden in my bedside table and when I refused to tell him where they were he started screaming at me and throwing my things over the floor, he found them and I tried to grab them off him. What resulted was a bit of a tussle - I was shouting at him and trying to wrestle them off him, he was screaming in my face and pushing me away etc. in the midst of this he pushed me hard several times, twisted my fingers back, bit me in several places, dragged me across the floor, scratched me. I’m certainly no angel - I definitely caught him with my nails as I was trying to push him off me/get my keys back and I could see a couple of small scratches. I also bit him at one point when he was bending my fingers back and he was on top of me to get him to release them.

I know I should probably have just given him my keys when he started screaming at me to avoid this - but I also know what he’s like when he’s in that mood and drinking and it’s awful, so self-destructive. It’s not the first time something like this has happened although probably the worst in terms of injuries.

The problem is, my hand (and other bits like my arm where he bit me in several places) really hurts from being twisted and tbh I’m not entirely sure what else but it’s very painful and looks swollen. I’m wondering if I need to get it checked in the morning. Problem is I have no real reason for it being like this and I’ve got visible marks all up my arms. What happens if someone in the nhs for example suspects your husband has done this? I can’t have it on my notes for multiple reasons, and even a sniff of anything like this and he will instantly be suspended. That will make my situation a million times worse as we wouldn’t have any money to pay for the house etc (I have a decent job but we are joint on an expensive mortgage and he earns 4x more than me - we have some assets but nothing we can easily access so would pretty much immediately default on the mortgage which would be detrimental to us both). Even when I do split up from him, I don’t want him to lose his whole career - he genuinely is good at it and never goes to work drunk or anything like that. It’s also the only thing stopping him becoming a full blown alcoholic who is drunk all day, every day.

I know the easy answer is to leave him and I almost certainly will as I know this is toxic. I know I also haven’t behaved well. The sad thing is that when he’s not drinking he’s a great husband - in fact, 90% of the time when he’s drinking he’s actually still nice to be around - but when work stress kicks in he becomes a monster). Can I get medical care without making this situation worse?

Leaving isn't as easy and it sounds like you know what is happening and you are making plans to leave. You sound really sensible, keep a safety plan in place until that happens. You have got this and sound like a strong woman. I wish you all the luck in the world xx

Lovely you sound so wrapped up in him, your posts are full of excuses defending his behaviour. Please seek help before he seriously hurts or even worse before he kills you. His behaviour is escalating. That's really not a good sign.

The sooner you learn that you don’t get to do anything on your terms with someone like him @plsnojudgement the better.
i am guessing the username is because you already knew what would happen on this thread and you are probably right this very moment working to placate him in some way shape or form whether that’s doing something or doing nothing. Both have their currency in this tinder box scenario. Sadly many of us posting here know and have been there.
none of this is judgement it is lived experience and genuine concern for your safety.

Absolutely - I wanted to try and get an answer to this question I asked rather than just get advice of LTB. I absolutely understand what you’re all saying, but I’ve also been deliberately vague on lots of stuff so that it’s not identifying. I assure you I do not placate him but I appreciate you only have your experiences etc to judge this on, whereas I know me and I know him etc. I absolutely understand the concerns you all have and I know they’re very valid and there for a reason and the advice you’ve given is good, however I’m comfortable with my decision - hence the no judgement name! I will leave him, I have a plan etc but I also want to get away in a way which gives me the best opportunity to build a life that I want to build. Thank you though, genuinely for your concerns and taking the time to post.

"none of this is judgement it is lived experience and genuine concern for your safety."

Quoted for emphasis, OP.

I'd report him without a second thought.

I think you’re all right that I need to leave. He’s drunk, again. Absolutely stinks of booze. We crossed paths in the kitchen (I’ve avoided him all day) and he started screaming and shorting again. Accusing me of being the violent aggressive abuser to him apparently. He does have scratches on him - which I know I caused when I was trying to get him off me as he was pinning me down so I was just swiping and unfortunately I have long fingernails. I do feel bad about that. And he’s saying I punched him in the face - I didn’t, no idea where that came from. I did try and grab him multiples times to get my keys off him and his jumper ripped but that’s as far as it went. He genuinely seems to believe that he was acting in self defence - I don’t understand how given he started the entire thing by pinning me down and bending my fingers back to get my keys off me. He’s also saying I wouldn’t leave him alone when he barricaded himself in our bedroom, once he had my keys and wine from the car, which is true… all my stuff was in our bedroom like my phone so I was shouting to let me in and he wouldn’t. Apparently that’s me escalating and therefore it’s all my fault, conveniently forgetting that by that point all I was trying to do was get my stuff and he pushed me out the door and dragged me on the floor. I’m fuming, and genuinely confused that he seems to actually believe what he’s telling himself? it’s so sad when he gets this drunk and angry. I just don’t even recognise him.

I’m still going to sleep downstairs tonight and thinking about trying to find somewhere to stay tomorrow. I thought he would at least be slightly ashamed about the injuries he caused me, and we could have had a constructive conversation, but clearly not. When he’s been this angry and shouting before (minus the violence) it’s usually woken him up and he’s stopped/cut back on the drinking.

if I leave tomorrow, what important things are there i do or take with me?

Couldn’t read and run.
Realising you need to leave now is a massive step in the right direction. Do you have friends/family you could stay with? If not perhaps Women’s Aid could direct you to a refuge.
Bank cards, cash, ID, a few changes of clothes and underwear, phone charger, a few toiletries and anything sentimental you can carry that you don’t want him destroying in your absence. That’s about all I initially took with me.
Good luck OP

Thanks. Thats a helpful start. I’m not sure where I’m going to go yet, I haven’t got any money really and nowhere to go.

it scares me how angry he seems. And I know he’s messing with my head - he’s got me feeling bad about the scratches and doubting myself. I know it wasn’t a good thing to do, but it was an accident when I was swiping at him trying to get him off me when he was pinning me down and bending my fingers back. And I guess maybe I should have let him take my keys. I really don’t know anymore. In my head I know he’s gaslighting but it’s really messing me up and I’m overthinking everything now.

I just feel so… scared? Sad? Confused? Angry? Upset? I’m honestly not sure. Just don’t know how to deal with this.

sorry for the rambling… it’s helping me putting my thoughts down somewhere I think.

I’m sad for you, OP. Your posts are all about protecting him, he doesn’t ‘deserve’ to lose his job, ‘if only his work had been a bit more understanding’ and so on. All about him. You are constantly trying to minimise his behaviour, excuse what he does.

All the while you are choosing to ignore the massive herd of elephants in the room. That he is an alcoholic, an abusive man, someone who does not respect you, is selfish and self-centred and no doubt blames you for pretty much everything.

i know you didn’t ask for advice on leaving him, but really, we’d be negligent if we didn’t offer it! You don’t want to be treated for injuries he has inflicted on you because you don’t want him to lose his job. Can you see how cockeyed this is?

The sooner you leave, set a divorce in motion, the sooner you will be free and safe from his violence. And with a proper 50/50 spilt of all assets which is no doubt what you are entitled to.

You are not responsible for him or for sorting his issues. That’s all for him to do. You are responsible for yourself - so act in your best interests pdq.

Passport, driving licence. Other documents such as birth certificate etc if you have them.

on a more mundane level:

bank cards
phone
phone charger
clothes - work and otherwise.

think of it as packing for a weeks holiday.

I’m sorry OP.
my husband also got drunk and I had a similar situation except he attacked our daughter and then swore blind she had attacked him.

if you stay, try to find a room you can lock to sleep in. Bathroom is probably the most likely.

if you go, just get a hotel for the first night or so. It’s easy and gives you safety. That’s what I did.

please ring women’s aid.

@plsnojudgement He is trying to set the scene with you as the aggressor because he knows how badly things have escalated now where he's seen your injuries. I doubt he actually believes it - he's trying to gaslight you as its the story he's going to go with if anyone sees you.

Please also stop talking about how you've "behaved" and saying that you did xyz when you should have handed over your keys - to be clear the injuries HE has are defensive wounds from you fighting for your safety. The injuries you have are abuse. It would be absurd if he didn't have some injuries after what you've been through.

Glad you're on your way out - remember to change any passwords he might have (emails etc) and I'd strongly recommend getting to a GP to get checked for any signs of infection and to get your injuries on record. He's clearly on a whole new level of downward spiral and things have escalated beyond functional alcoholic/dickhead.

I know you're worried about police being involved but you don't have children so there is no mandatory process by which police will get involved with you - even if hospital staff do report it the police won't pursue any investigation without your support. I know they technically can but in reality if the victim refuses to support an investigation they don't go anywhere. You also don't have to confirm that your husband was the one who assaulted you.
Domestic abuse support services can and will help you without reporting the abuse to anyone. They will help with safety planning, leaving, guidance around logistics, legal advice if you're lucky, and emotional support. Please call your local service first thing tomorrow. For tonight I hope you're safe and do not avoid your doctor/hospital appointments out of fear.

Do you know what really annoys me about this thread, the fact you’re so hell bent on not ruining this man’s career. If he has a governing body he’s likely a professional and yes he does deserve to lose his job likely working with the general public I hope to god not in the medical field. Do you know how many men get away with domestic violence in the courts? Even with mounts of evidence? When you do want to get away from this man you will have zero help from the courts when you haven’t reported his behaviour. It’s actually selfish to let this man carry on being a so called professional in a complete drink state when he clearly should not be working. The harm he could be doing to others as well as drink driving etc I dread to think. Give your head a wobble

Please do not blame yourself. The bottom line is that this man has physically and emotionally hurt you in order to get what he wanted. He gaslighted you to make you think you are somehow at fault for his behaviour. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It’s instinct to protect yourself from attack, you did nothing wrong. In abusive relationships, it’s very common to want to protect your abuser from consequences, minimize and excuse his abuse and question yourself as to what you did to ‘make’ him behave like this. I know because I’ve been there. After you’ve left you will likely want to return and rose tinted glasses will distort you seeing him for what he really is. No matter how much he promises to change, begs, blames you, pleads or makes any grand gestures - it is vitally important you do not go back to him. This man is a violent, drunken abusive bully who quite frankly, could kill you. Your life is precious, don’t gamble with it. You’re making the first steps towards changing your future for the better. It seems daunting and scary now but I promise you are doing the right thing. Put your own life jacket on first. Keep safe x

Yes he is a professional, but he’s good at his job and if he loses it, it would destroy him as he would never get another job like it. He never drinks before he gets home after work, so no drink driving and he never drinks before work - and less if he’s got work in the morning. He also has very regular monitoring with multiple people involved, so even if he treats me badly, that doesn’t automatically make him bad at his job.

Working out what to do. Thinking of going to my mums place for the weekend - not a long term solution as she lives in the NE and I’m in the SE so doesn’t work for longer than that with work etc.

I think that would be a good start, it will give you time to find a longer term solution. Please contact Women’s Aid, they can advise on next steps.

With the level of drunkeness the night before, he'll still be drunk when he gets in the car in the morning. And he will most certainly be handling a hangover during the day, which sounds bad given that he's in a responsibility role.

I wonder if his colleagues have noticed anything.

Longer term - do you work the kind of place that either has a HR or a notice board where you could say you are looking for a room for a few months as accommodation has fallen through?

I worked in a school and heads of dept etc would often ask around. No need to disclose why “accommodation has fallen through”

Stop excusing men’s poor behaviour. You do not need to cover for him or hide anything. Your priority is you and your safety. He is a grown man who is responsible for his own actions.

If your mum's is a safe place for now, then go. Everything else can be worked out in time.

Unfortunately not, one of the reasons I wanted to stay longer was that if I could save up a bit more then I’d be able to find a house to rent straight away. I earn ok money so with a bit of money behind me I’d be in a much better position than if I leave now.

I can see you’re determined to make me take all responsibility for him being in a job he’s good at and where there’s a lot of support/monitoring around him to check how he’s doing.

He cycles to work so driving is not really an issue. It’s fairly rural, 10 mins cycle and he doesn’t have to go far. He also doesn’t get hangovers generally, which of course is a sign of someone who drinks too much. He’s actually the strongest performer in his workplace and gets very good feedback. His colleagues provide monthly reports to the professional bodies, OH is involved who he speaks to monthly, he meets with a psychiatrist through work every month who has to sign him off as being ok to work, his GP has to meet with him regularly and write reports and confirm he’s taking his meds, and he has drug and alcohol testing - minimum 3 monthly, but often more, plus contact with his supervisor and quarterly appraisals (and that’s not all of the rules around him)… so forgive me if I’m not going to take all the responsibility there.