What happens if domestic abuse is suspected?

[plsnojudgement]

Anon for obvious reasons.

Ive been going through a difficult time with my husband for a while now and whilst I’ve accepted at some point I need to leave, Im not ready to yet so please do t advise me to do that. I do however have a couple of questions and would appreciate anyone’s expertise. Sorry for how long this is but I think I need to explain why it’s so much of an issue, and I probably need to get this off my chest too. But in short I want to know what would happen if I went to my GP or minor injuries unit etc with visible injuries on me which would pretty obviously be from someone?

The full sad story if you want it: He has a drinking problem - if it was up to him he would come home every night after work and drink 3/4 beers and a wine. Maybe sometimes a small bottle of spirits. Things are particularly bad when he is stressed and he has depression and anxiety. He’s been going through a very difficult time the last few years, which has resulted in his professional body being involved and restrictions put on him around drinking and drugs as part of wider measures around his mental health. He’s managed to hide the extent of the problem to his professional body but they still test him regularly and he adjusts his alcohol consumption near the test dates so it doesn’t come back as high as it normally would. This means he regularly goes for 6 weeks or so without drinking anything.

He is going through a very difficult time at work and looks like he’s about to lose his job (not due to the issues he’s faced), which is going to put us in severe financial difficulty. There aren’t many other jobs around which pay as well. He’s very stressed about it and the last 2 nights he’s been binge drinking. He was sober most of tonight until about 1am when he went to his car and got a bottle of wine. We had a small argument about it -
no shouting or anything - but I tried to just sleep. I woke up an hour or so later to hear him going through all my stuff looking for my car keys, which I keep hidden as I keep spare alcohol in there (eg stuff left over from Christmas and having family over, or just a bottle of wine if I fancy a glass occasionally - I don’t drink often though and max 2 glasses a night once a week or so).

keys were hidden in my bedside table and when I refused to tell him where they were he started screaming at me and throwing my things over the floor, he found them and I tried to grab them off him. What resulted was a bit of a tussle - I was shouting at him and trying to wrestle them off him, he was screaming in my face and pushing me away etc. in the midst of this he pushed me hard several times, twisted my fingers back, bit me in several places, dragged me across the floor, scratched me. I’m certainly no angel - I definitely caught him with my nails as I was trying to push him off me/get my keys back and I could see a couple of small scratches. I also bit him at one point when he was bending my fingers back and he was on top of me to get him to release them.

I know I should probably have just given him my keys when he started screaming at me to avoid this - but I also know what he’s like when he’s in that mood and drinking and it’s awful, so self-destructive. It’s not the first time something like this has happened although probably the worst in terms of injuries.

The problem is, my hand (and other bits like my arm where he bit me in several places) really hurts from being twisted and tbh I’m not entirely sure what else but it’s very painful and looks swollen. I’m wondering if I need to get it checked in the morning. Problem is I have no real reason for it being like this and I’ve got visible marks all up my arms. What happens if someone in the nhs for example suspects your husband has done this? I can’t have it on my notes for multiple reasons, and even a sniff of anything like this and he will instantly be suspended. That will make my situation a million times worse as we wouldn’t have any money to pay for the house etc (I have a decent job but we are joint on an expensive mortgage and he earns 4x more than me - we have some assets but nothing we can easily access so would pretty much immediately default on the mortgage which would be detrimental to us both). Even when I do split up from him, I don’t want him to lose his whole career - he genuinely is good at it and never goes to work drunk or anything like that. It’s also the only thing stopping him becoming a full blown alcoholic who is drunk all day, every day.

I know the easy answer is to leave him and I almost certainly will as I know this is toxic. I know I also haven’t behaved well. The sad thing is that when he’s not drinking he’s a great husband - in fact, 90% of the time when he’s drinking he’s actually still nice to be around - but when work stress kicks in he becomes a monster). Can I get medical care without making this situation worse?

There is no excuse for how you have been treated by him. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry and his actions are all about power and control. He wants absolute over you here. In his head you interfere with his drinking time, you spoil
his fun. He’s always been an alcoholic and his behaviour has indeed worsened over the years. But he’s always been volatile. Volatile not terrified.

Please speak to both Dogs Trust and Cats Protection about your animals. They will not be necessarily placed in kennels etc but placed in foster where they will be properly cared for till you can reclaim them.

You could ring your local DA organisation and tell them the situation (anonymously) and see what they advise regarding the reporting process if you go to hospital.

sorry posted too soon.

this is a slippery slope & you need to safeguard yourself here & get out. Perhaps understanding ‘the system’ will help you take the next step?

Thanks all, appreciate your advice and I know you’re largely all right and it is why I am putting steps so that I can get away. I just want to do it in a way where I’m in the best position I can be - I know you all don’t agree with that but it’s ultimately up to me!

thanks for confirming my thoughts that it would likely be reported if someone saw my injuries etc. I don’t want this - yes, largely as I want to give him the chance of keeping the one thing which keeps him stable-ish ( losing it I think would probably put him at risk of harming himself - he’s never said that to me, he keeps stuff like that to himself, but I heard him brush over it when asked by a psychiatrist once during his investigation and I knew instantly from his voice it was something he had considered at length). But also, if he loses his job then as we are married financially I’d be in a really difficult position too - I don’t earn enough to even pay mortgage and bills - I’d be short by a couple of thousand a month, minimum, let alone be able to live somewhere else, so I think the best option is to get my ducks in a row, work on my own savings and try and get a clean break.

Thanks for all your support. Appreciate it.

You say you’re staying so you can be in the best position possible when you do leave but The best position you can be in @plsnojudgement is safe which is getting away asap.

You may think it’s important to save up money or wait until X day on the calendar but every day you stay is another day you’re at huge risk.

Yes you may be temporarily uncomfortable with your life if you leave now but safety is worth it.

OP, give your head a wobble. This man has started to physically attack you.

He WILL DO IT AGAIN.

Do you want to end up like that poor woman from Lancashire who is now in a wheelchair because her partner attacked her? She also protected him when he was beating her up.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/my-jekyll-hyde-partner-seemed-36325845

Fgs, get yourself out of there. Your life is LITERALLY in danger.

Do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Protecting him at all from the consequences of his abuse against you does not help him or you for that matter and why is he seemingly more important than you?. He would have behaved the self sane with any woman, these types of men do hate women and all of them.

Althoygh you want to get your ducks in a row this takes time and your safety is of far more importance. You could be both safe away from him and get your ducks in a row at the same time. I do get the concern re your animals but contacting those organisations I mentioned will get them properly looked after.

He will continue to attack you going forward. I have no doubt about that whatsoever sadly.

This is how women die by the hundreds every year. Most believed he wouldn’t escalate. Most prioritised everything but their own safety. You can replace almost everything but you OP.

How long realistically until you get your ducks in a row?

and can you bring it forward. If you have a job you can get to a refuge it’s not the best but it can they can support you to find suitable housing. Unless your debt is unmanageable you just need enough to rent some where or a shared house with another woman?

please don’t delay waiting for the perfect time, once he has crossed the line into violence it will only get worse

Even if it is true that his behaviour is due to mental health, you are not actually helping him by hiding it. If you really believed he cant help it, you would be forcing him to access mental health support...if his MH really is this bad, trust me, keeping his job will not be a cure - at best, it will simply postpone the inevitable crash.

Unfortunately however, in my experience,mental.health as an excuse for violence and other abusive behaviours is almost always the preserve of men. Strange that Women with severe mental health problems almost always manage to not act violently. The truth is that violent men are violent men and mental health is, at best a contributing factor and, at worst, an excuse.

OP you need to get out. If you're the only one he takes out his anger on, as you say, you are in danger of getting killed as his anger and stress increases. As it will when/if he loses the job/house.
The police are very unlikely to prosecute if you don't want to co-operate, even if a doc does report it. Get yourself some medical care and contact Women's Aid. Worry about yourself not him.

OP you asked for advice here and now you're disregarding the very good advice you've been given. You seem to be in denial about the risk this man poses to your safety, even after he's physically attacked and injured you. Your instinct to protect him from the consequences of his actions is dead wrong and will likely result in him feeling he has permission to hurt you again when he feels like it.

I hope you'll reconsider and at least get the injuries recorded by medical professionals. Bite injuries can easily become infected and lead to cellulitis or sepsis, both of which are very serious conditions.

I do appreciate everyone’s advice for sure, but I have been clear at the start and throughout was what I really needed advice on was around whether if I saw a doctor with injuries that were likely caused by someone else, they would have to report it. People have now answered that and I appreciate it. Will just have to be extra careful not to get an infection. I’m afraid that nothings going to be changing my mind as even if I left him today (which I’m not) I wouldn’t want him to lose his whole career - which anything like this would result in, particularly as he’s already being monitored for his mental health and drinking. The fall out of us defaulting on things like mortgages would be huge for both of us and have a lasting impact on me too because we are married so most products are in both our names, which is one of the key reasons I’m not going to do it. So I do appreciate evreryobes advice but it was that question I wanted answering specifically.

anyway, I’ve just spoken to him. Apparently I attacked him first! I definitely did pull his hair and push him off me and my nail did catch his face and make him bleed, but that was in response to him bending my fingers back and being on top of me trying to prise my car keys out of my hands. I guess if I’d just given them over this wouldn’t have happened - but I also refuse to be bullied like that/enable him to drink so of course I’m going to try and stop him getting my stuff. Not ideal behaviour from me I admit but… 🙄

Shock horror, he attacked you and it's YOUR fault.

At the risk of sounding like Ai.... that's not mental health. That's abusive behaviour, gaslighting, and a huge red flag.

You have no children. You jointly own the house. Initiate divorce proceedings and aim to get the assets sorted asap.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Free pdf here:
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

This abusive man has seen the extensive damage he has caused and is blaming you for not giving him your car keys - which you were absolutely entitled to hold on to.
He is taking zero responsibility for himself. Surely you know you need to escape this situation asap?
All those women who were killed by their partners thought just like you.
Please at least contact Womens Aid for advice.
As the daughter of an alcoholic I can tell you that he, and only he, is responsible for this situation.
Stop propping him up, he will never learn to fix himself whilst you're making excuses for him.

You can get an infection from bite marks regardless of how careful you are.

You may fell shame and embarrassment at what has happened but those feelings are totally misplaced. the shame and embarrassment are really all his. He is just dragging you down with him.

You seem far more concerned about the mortgage and joint owned finances than your own personal safety here and this is worrying. Finances can be disentangled, even joint ones.

with divorce the house could be sold and you’d go your separate ways. He would not make the divorce process at all straight forward because he wants to win at all costs and punish you for having the gall to leave him, in his head he thinks he has done nothing wrong here. Indeed he attacked you and has made it out to be all your fault.

if he loses his career that is solely his doing. You have never driven him to abuse you, he had done that if his own free will. You are not responsible for his actions here.

Who taught you to put other people like he first at your expense?..

This.

I’m an IDVA. You should absolutely get medical help. Hospital staff should take patient confidentiality seriously and ask for your consent to share information. They do not have an obligation to share information unless there is a safeguarding concern or a risk of immediate harm to another person; this will be judged on a case by case basis anyway.

In the unlikely event they tell the police or social care, then both those agencies should contact you first and ask you if you want to proceed. They shouldn’t just contact your husband or his workplace. If you don’t want to support a prosecution, they are unlikely to move further with an investigation.

To take the decision out of your hands and approach your husband or his employers could massively increase risk which is one of the reasons they don’t do it without your consent. You even have to consent to a referral to domestic abuse organisations.

I would really recommend you get medical help and say yes when they offer to refer you to an IDVA.

Get out. The sooner the better. As someone who was in a coercive controlling relationship where I was raped daily and when I did leave he stalked me I KNOW how HARD it is. If your not ready to leave now then do the most useful thing you can - gather evidence. Write down dates, times incidents, and exactly what happened. Take photos of injuries. Go to see the GP, even if you don't tell them who did it (you don't have to) this will be evidence the police will take seriously. Talk to your friends - the conversations you have with them explaining what he's done can also be used as evidence (if your friend will make a statement). Sadly most of these cases go without prosecution for one reason only - not enough evidence. That way you can build it up and if (and when) you are ready to leave you will be able to get him arrested and hopefully prosecuted. Good luck x

I’ve mostly only read OP posts, and to be frank OP the way you are talking about not wanting this to affect his career etc - this is the reason that women in your situation get killed. What if he’d kept going? What if next time he pushes you and you hit your head and die? Why is his career worth more than your life? You are bruised and injured because of him, why should he face no consequences? I know this sounds harsh and you don’t want to hear it and I am sorry but you need to.

OP, please don't answer this, but I suspect your husband has a profession where he has to make significant decisions involving other people's health and welfare (doctor/emergency services/teacher/social worker etc.).
Does he bite, strike, maul or pin his clients or colleagues to the floor?
Or does he reserve this for you?
He should be the person who loves, cherishes, adores and protects you.Who would sooner die than lay his hands on you.
I understand why you want to compartmentalise this horror.I did the same thing. But it will escalate. It doesn't matter how sensibly and carefully you get your ducks in a row, the safest time for you to leave is now, before he escalates again.
Don't tell him anything, speak to your GP, get them to photo your injuries, tell them you need to leave, accept all the help you are offered.
Housing and finances will be sorted out when you divorce.
Losing his career is down to him, not you.
Please, for the love of God, save yourself.
This man is unstable.
Biting you is just horrific-animalistic, sadistic, terrifying.
If this is how he behaves over a set of keys, imagine what he will do when he loses his job.
Please make sure you are long gone before that happens.

They may report to the local authority safeguarding team however it is unlikely you will meet the threshold under the care act 2014. However they do have an obligation to give you information, advice and guidance such as signposting you to local DV services etc.l and should support you to make a safety plan. They may decide to speak with the police. Depending on your husband's role potentially if he works with vulnerable adults and children he could be reported under PIPOT process which will determine if he poses a risk and if they would need to share concerns with his employer.

I work in adult social care, please go and get your injuries checked over. If the hospital report it (which they shouldn’t do without your consent) then the most that would happen is someone would contact you to offer support. This would be confidential (as they wouldn’t want to risk your husband knowing & put you in danger) and if you declined that would be the end of it as it is your right to choose to leave or not.

Thank you all, and thanks @Louisetopaz21- that absolutely clarifies my thinking.

I appreciate all your views and warnings - I assure you I do understand the risks, my worth etc but you’re not in my position and don’t know all the context/him. I absolutely plan to leave him pretty soon but want to do it on my own terms. Appreciate everyone’s help.

thanks.

Just to clarify they should speak to you before making a safeguarding referral but consent can be overridden especially if there is a public interest element such as your husband is a risk to others x