Dumped by text. Again.

[ItsHappeningAllOverAgain]

I’m looking for some outside perspective because my head is all over the place and I don’t trust my own judgement right now.

Both mid-40s. Met partner start of 2023.
That period of my life tuned out to be very difficult unfortunately, new job, was a bad move and I was stuck in it for a fixed period. When my mum died in 2024, I really struggled with a very physically and emotionally demanding job and grieving for her. I was a bit of a mess to say the least. He finished things by ghosting me.
I then had therapy for about 5 months which is the best thing I've ever done.
6 months later, he reappeared out of the blue, said he missed me, wanted to try again. I was very, very hesitant but eventually agreed. We’ve been back together for about 5 months. Overall it's been really good. I'd missed him and hadn't stopped loving him.
Last weekend we'd both had a drink. I tried to initiate sex, he didn’t want to. I felt rejected and sulked a bit. No shouting, no aggression, no coercion — just a bit awkward and stroppy. I apologised the next day and thought we’d moved past it.
Throughout the relationship he’s said he doesn’t place a high value on sex within a relationship, yet he does use a fair amount of porn. (This was one of the things that bothered me last time and was a factor in the breakup.)
As our lives allow, we only spend a maximum of 8 nights together anyway, it's not unusual to hope for and think intimacy is likely over those few days? I think?

A few days later, he came to my house saying he’d been feeling anxious and awful since that night. I felt blindsided because up until then his texts had been completely normal and light-hearted. During that conversation he said he finds it very hard when I’m emotional and at one point said “I think you might have a mental disorder” (he later apologised for that comment). We were honestly just having what I would class a conversation. A bit animated st the start because I felt a bit ambushed, but no raised voices, just talking about how we both felt, yes prob lots of expression etc, but just a normal conversation.
I asked him if he found this current conversation difficult and he said it's was almost unbearable for him. We were just talking!

Communication from then on was normal texting etc.
A few days after that, he ended the relationship by text saying he felt “anxious and unsafe” and that he wouldn’t be continuing the conversation.
Really robotic.
Being dumped by text message again is absolute shit.

Must have blocked me because my reply hasn't been delivered.
I just feel like this is just so disproportionate.

I don't know what's going on. I just didn't think I'd have this sort of drama in my 40s. I don't know how this has happened twice.

I'm sorry.

He didn't deserve the second chance.

To be fair sulking because you didnt get sex is awful and abusive behaviour but so is his behaviour saying you have a mental disorder, neither of you are right for each other.

I’ll be honest, OP, I’d rather put my hand in the toaster than have sex with this wet- wipe. Why are you putting all this effort and thought into him, when he can’t even be bothered to have a conversation with you?

You should never have got back with him op
and he should not be in relationships

@Nosdacariad Thank you x

It all just feels a bit ridiculous.

I've already got enough on my plate

You're completely right. I know this, honestly.
It's been acknowledged,I've apologised for it, and I know it's really grim and not acceptable.

@ItsHappeningAllOverAgainI genuinely believe I am in a relationship with this guys twin. I’d love to offer you some advice but I can’t. I’m sure there will be people along who have their heads screwed on far more than me, but I’m offering you some solidarity because it is, in actual fact, shit.

"Anxious and unsafe" just what did he think you were going to do to him?

Anyway icky block you are not compatible

Sorry to read what has happened. His message is so daft. He feels unsafe? I would be very annoyed by that as presumably you are no threat to him. There is a fabulous thread on here where a guy dumped the OP and said 'no need to reply' so she made sure to never reply again. He got in touch but she was steadfast. Might be a good approach with this absolute melt.

Never give a second chance.

As the saying goes, 'Fool me once'...

People don't change.

If it's this hard to be with him you'd be better off without him.

It sounds like he has really significant issues with intimacy (hence the porn and ghosting instead of a proper conversation to end it) and you’re better off without. Make sure you go back to therapy to work on your responses to difficult issues that come up in your future eg your grumpiness after sex was refused.

Take the time you need to grieve your mum. Do not give this guy any second chance. Take a break and then move forward with positivity.

Yes, I know you're right. It was something I covered a lot in therapy and I have honestly made bags of progress in that area and why I do it.
This was the first time I'd reacted like this since wed got back together.

What can I say, this used to be me, unable to set the right boundaries and to not waste time being with or thinking about idiots. So I am saying this with a lot of empathy:

• never give a mediocre relationship another go. If it didn’t work the first time around, it’s highly, highly unlikely it will work the second time around.
• I wonder if this guy really found every conversation so difficult or anxiety provoking, or if he used that as an excuse to ‘train’ you to never bring up difficult subjects.
• when men want us, they go through hell to be with us (including engaging in very tricky conversations). When they don’t want us, they suddenly lose the ability to understand or to communicate. You wouldn’t believe the number of times I had guys who’d previously been good communicators tell me ‘I don’t know what to say’ x I00 times, in response to issues I was bringing up so we can improve the relationship, when they were no longer bothered about the relationship.
• once a relationship with a guy like this is over, do not waste any more time ruminating over why he or you said or didn’t say. You’ve already wasted the time you’ve given to the relationship, don’t allow yourself to give them more time.

I have stayed friends with many of my exes (those I had healthy relationships with) and this is what they told me:

• men want an easy life! The moment someone offers them that, they stay with that woman whether or not they are inlove. The moment we make any requests from them (for example for them to meet our needs, if these don’t match exactly what they’re willing to offer) they leave. If they leave a woman, this is rarely because they don’t consider her ‘good enough’, it’s because, even though she may have all the qualities men want, she expects something from them which men are just too lazy to give. This can be communication, empathy, responsibility, etc.

He sounds immature and not up to the emotional ups and downs of an adult relationship (so many men resort to name calling when they’re challenged). You shouldn’t have given him a second chance, as other PPs have said.

He just wants to wank and have a relationship with no stresses for him.

Just block him so he can’t get back in touch with you.

It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and if he ghosted you the first time after your mum died, that shows the type of person he is. I’m glad you’re getting therapy, it can help. The mental disorder comment is really cruel. You deserve so much better and he sounds like a coward.

“I think you might have a mental disorder” This made my blood run cold (even if he did apologise later).

I would not see him again.

Feeling anxious and unsafe when you feel pressured into sex is completely valid. We'd never dismiss a woman feeling that way.
Wanting a partner who is more interested in intimacy with their partner than porn is also valid.
You're not right for each other. I'd not entertain it again.

After the first ghosting incident, that should have been the end. There shouldn't ever have been a second chance. He took the cowardly way out by ghosting you, and just reappeared again, when it took his fancy.

Sulking is childish and it wasn't your finest moment. His feelings are valid, and to him perfectly reasonable. However, I think what is glaringly obvious is that you aren't very compatible. There's going to be no discussion, as he's blocked you. Well, not unless he changes his mind and comes back in a few months time, expecting a third chance!

Leave this man blocked, and if he does contact you again, don't go back for round three! Nothing will change.

On the evening he finished it by text, we had a few exchanges first. He'd said that our previous chat (that he found unbearable) had raised more questions and we need to address them. And that his anxiety had gone back to square one.

I said ok and was happy to talk, but added that if the conversation was actually just going back to me feeling shit about myself and having a mental problem, I'd rather not do that. But that I want to sit with him a d get to the bottom of this anxiety and why he feels this way.

His next message ended it.
Really robotic:
Realised even when there's no urgent to hurt, this dynamic leaves him feeling anxious and unsafe.

"I need to step back and end the relationship.
I'm going to take some space and will not be continuing this conversation"

WTF?!

Draw a line under this relationship and move on. Life doesn't need to be this complicated and there are men out there who will cherish you and not diminish you.

He sounds like a typical "bloke" who would rather eat his own hand than discuss anything emotional.I think you are still grieving for your Mum ,and he isnt able to support you properly.He is annoyed with himself, and is hitting out at you saying have a mental disorder.He would rather run away than face a proper RL with a real woman, and instead pleasures himself with porn .Women who he will never meet in RL and cant ask anything of him.He sounds like a loser to me .I think getting back was a mistake ,However just try to learn from this experience and move on when you are able to

Thank you for all your responses. They're really appreciated ❤️

I've not told anyone in real life this has happend yet. Bit embarrassing really.

I don't think he's actually done anything wrong, OP. He doesn't want to continue the relationship and he has told you that and told you why.

You don't like or agree with his reasons, but that's not really relevant. He has a right to end the relationship for any reason he likes.

I'm not saying he's a great guy - the previous ghosting and the porn use are huge red flags to me - but in this situation, it doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong. On the contrary, I think it sounds like he's behaved fairly and respectfully, has tried to hear you out, and stepped back when he felt that there wasn't anything to gain from continuing the conversation.

I get what you're saying. Obviously he's allowed to finish the relationship for whatever reason.
It's just that after 2.5 years together, a text is a bit shit?
And the sort of language used etc has just felt really weird and unnecessary.