Dumped by text. Again.

[ItsHappeningAllOverAgain]

I’m looking for some outside perspective because my head is all over the place and I don’t trust my own judgement right now.

Both mid-40s. Met partner start of 2023.
That period of my life tuned out to be very difficult unfortunately, new job, was a bad move and I was stuck in it for a fixed period. When my mum died in 2024, I really struggled with a very physically and emotionally demanding job and grieving for her. I was a bit of a mess to say the least. He finished things by ghosting me.
I then had therapy for about 5 months which is the best thing I've ever done.
6 months later, he reappeared out of the blue, said he missed me, wanted to try again. I was very, very hesitant but eventually agreed. We’ve been back together for about 5 months. Overall it's been really good. I'd missed him and hadn't stopped loving him.
Last weekend we'd both had a drink. I tried to initiate sex, he didn’t want to. I felt rejected and sulked a bit. No shouting, no aggression, no coercion — just a bit awkward and stroppy. I apologised the next day and thought we’d moved past it.
Throughout the relationship he’s said he doesn’t place a high value on sex within a relationship, yet he does use a fair amount of porn. (This was one of the things that bothered me last time and was a factor in the breakup.)
As our lives allow, we only spend a maximum of 8 nights together anyway, it's not unusual to hope for and think intimacy is likely over those few days? I think?

A few days later, he came to my house saying he’d been feeling anxious and awful since that night. I felt blindsided because up until then his texts had been completely normal and light-hearted. During that conversation he said he finds it very hard when I’m emotional and at one point said “I think you might have a mental disorder” (he later apologised for that comment). We were honestly just having what I would class a conversation. A bit animated st the start because I felt a bit ambushed, but no raised voices, just talking about how we both felt, yes prob lots of expression etc, but just a normal conversation.
I asked him if he found this current conversation difficult and he said it's was almost unbearable for him. We were just talking!

Communication from then on was normal texting etc.
A few days after that, he ended the relationship by text saying he felt “anxious and unsafe” and that he wouldn’t be continuing the conversation.
Really robotic.
Being dumped by text message again is absolute shit.

Must have blocked me because my reply hasn't been delivered.
I just feel like this is just so disproportionate.

I don't know what's going on. I just didn't think I'd have this sort of drama in my 40s. I don't know how this has happened twice.

Honestly, it sounds to me like he was trying to end things with you in your last conversation and it didn't exactly go to plan. Although we always say we want that face to face communication, in reality, it's often better to have things said clearly in writing and then we don't have to hide our tears or produce a reaction, and there's no risk of one person misinterpreting the other. Maybe it was cowardly of him, but maybe he just knew there was nothing to be gained from a discussion.

Plus I do feel you might be underplaying your sulking about him not wanting sex. That would give me the massive ick and tbh I wouldn't feel like I owed that person a face to face explanation.

I think you know you made a mistake getting back with this man and he's done you a favour by ending it again. Take some time to sort your own head out and make yourself happy, then look for someone who you can trust and be yourself with.

Block him so can’t reappear again.

Also, keep in mind emotionally mature decent men don’t discard people via text message. He’s a loser be glad he’s gone. Easier said than done when it’s fresh I know, but in a few months you’ll see him for who he is.

A mid 40s male feeling anxious and unsafe over fuck all then cowardly finishes by text for a second time - what a fucking hero!

I would tear two strips off our mid/late teenage boys if they displayed this wet, rude behaviour.

Don’t be in the slightest bit concerned @ItsHappeningAllOverAgain, celebrate being blocked, block back for goodness sake in case in 5 months time when he has been though all the porn and realised again that a tight young thing doesn’t want to arse fuck him and he comes grovelling back you are tempted to give it another flog of the horse.

He's being weird. A man saying he feels "anxious and unsafe" because you expressed emotion / used words would put me off forever.

Dont sulk when someone doesn't want sex though. Thats pretty grim behaviour.

His final ext text sounds like he generated it through ChatGBT.

Never give a man the opportunity to reject you twice.

The ones who come back second time around looking for another chance are just horny or homeless.

Don't entertain ones like this anymore.

There's a good chance he tried to do it face to face a few days before when you had that conversation, and just couldn't face doing it in the moment.

That's what I suspect, also.

And OP, it's not a 2.5 year long relationship - it's a few months. So I think a text message in that case is understandable.

Again, not saying he's any kind of catch. But I think it would make sense to reflect more on your own behaviour and expectations rather than worrying about what's gone on in his head. He's been clear and didn't ghost and that's probably the best you could have expected of him at this point.

Honestly, I'm really not underplaying it. I know it's ridiculous and harmful. It's something I talked through a lot in therapy. And why I had behaved very differently when we reunited, this was a once in 5 months strop. (Not acceptable, I know this)

It's been an underlying theme for a while that my sex drive is higher than his.
One thing that has stuck in my head was before we split the first time, I raised the porn thing and asked him if his use was compulsive. He said yes. I then said knowing that, and that you don't place sex very highly in relationships, is difficult to hear.
He doesn't seem to get why these two statements combined, don't bode well to healthy intimacy and leaves me not feeling like he has a sex drive, just not so much with me.
He's since said he didn't mean yes and he just 'capitulated'.

So, that's what I go to when he turns down intimacy. Which to be fair this, is this first time I've done this in a year.

Oh my god, I've got too much shit to do, I dont have much more space to give this.
It's a reaction and communication style I just can't deal with.
The language and the ghosting and the flipping in behaviour is ridiculous

This one's not a keeper - be glad you found out now before you wasted any more time with him!

Sorry, no. You are making excuses for yourself. Your behaviour was horrible and you shouldn't be surprised you got dumped for it.

That doesn't take away from the fact that he sounds awful. But then you knew that when you got back with him, so again, it seems like it's your behaviour and your choices that you should be focusing on.

Obviously you've got a whole bunch of people to tell you, you go girl, he's a loser, you're better off etc. But actually, you made a series of really awful choices and it isn't going to help to put this all back on him. His behaviour may be 'ridiculous' (although I would argue not really wrong to end the relationship) but your behaviour is what is causing you problems in life.

Really sorry to read about this ,
same thing happened to me last year, had been in a 2.5 yr relationship with a woman who dumped me by text ( turned out she was already seeing someone else)

it’s totally shit and the cowards way out - it’s been about 4 months now and I still think about all the time while she has moved on and with someone else
ive recently started dating again and it’s still hanging over me now

He had one chance too many OP. But I am sure you are able to see that now.

This relationship just sounds like such hard work! Didn't that give you a clue?

Going forward now, block him also. As you can bet your bottom dollar in a few months time he will try to reconnect again. Block him and start to move forward.

🌷

"never give a mediocre relationship another go. If it didn’t work the first time around, it’s highly, highly unlikely it will work the second time around."

Yes, I've found this to be true not only for romantic relationships but also friendships and work situations: if it doesn't work the first time, it is highly unlikely that it will work the second time.

OP, by focusing on this strange person, you're taking time and energy away from healing yourself and developing relationships that WILL work.

Why would you want him? He sounds like a dreadful partner. And it sounds like he is doing no work on himself.

I'm a Counsellor he is a dismissive avoidant. His on-off patterns, including ghosting and then reappearing when hes no longer feeling triggered by things he can't communicate well with in your connection. They often leave relationships abruptly without warning, which can cause trauma to someone with a healthy attachment style. Then you think you'll never hear from them again, and there they are back in your life. You can do two things if you want him in your life: make him aware you understand what his attachment style is like, and try to find out what in his past caused him to become an avoidant (usually a bad past relationship). Secondly, ask him if he would have some relationship therapy so you both understand each other better & the therapist will provide you with more information on avoidant behaviours.

Can a man/person who is a dismissive avoidant ever change? Or adapt and learn from his behaviour? Do they regret how they are?

This. When he did it the first time should have been the time to say see you later for good and to mean it. Know your worth.

With therapy and a williness to want to change. Yet it's not an overnight process, and they can slip back into their old patterns. As they have been used to avoiding and running for so long. It takes a lot of inner work for them to change.

AwfullyGood · Today 13:53
Never give a man the opportunity to reject you twice.
The ones who come back second time around looking for another chance are just horny or homeless.
Don't entertain ones like this anymore.

Thats not always the case, some can have attachement issues or are poor communicators, or they realise what they lost from making a silly life choice. Some even briefly date someone else, and then panic thinking why have I hurt someone who really loved me, for this life which is a million times worse than the life they had. I don't believe in giving people multiple changes, yet second chances can have the opportunity to fix issues that weren't addressed the first time around. Or they were too afraid to mention. Yet now they know running away wasn't the answer and things could have completely changed with communication.

Most woman know the difference between being a booty call or when someone geniunely didn't think through what they were doing. Also depends how much you love that person, and if you think they are worth another chance.

This is nonsense. You can't diagnose or label someone via their ex's words about them on the internet. If you really are a counsellor, you're not a very trustworthy one.

wrongthinker · Today 17:07
Luckyness45 · Today 16:49
I'm a Counsellor he is a dismissive avoidant. His on-off patterns, including ghosting and then reappearing when hes no longer feeling triggered by things he can't communicate well with in your connection. They often leave relationships abruptly without warning, which can cause trauma to someone with a healthy attachment style. Then you think you'll never hear from them again, and there they are back in your life. You can do two things if you want him in your life: make him aware you understand what his attachment style is like, and try to find out what in his past caused him to become an avoidant (usually a bad past relationship). Secondly, ask him if he would have some relationship therapy so you both understand each other better & the therapist will provide you with more information on avoidant behaviours.
Edited
This is nonsense. You can't diagnose or label someone via their ex's words about them on the internet. If you really are a counsellor, you're not a very trustworthy one.

They lady posted for advice and I have stated his behaviour suggests hes an avoidant, and I can assure you I am a counsellor, and you clearly negatively knocking my post, shows how ill-informed you are about relationship patterns which I am trained in. I have been accredited as a counsellor for two years and i'm also on my 3 rd year of study into a psychology degree - I was here to offer the confused lady some advice, and keyboard warriors attacking my advice I do not tolerate. or respect at all. I can also ensure I am a very good counsellor and I don't need you making i'll informed judgements on my abilities. When this lady wanted guidance and clearly was looking for some helpful advice which can help her process what his patterns suggest by the behaviours shes posted.

He sounds like a pointless avoidant. Toss it in the bin

He’s quite dysfunctional sounding. Not cut out for a healthy, normal, fulfilling relationship.

He is responsible for his actions and their consequences. The op is not.

Your desire to defend this man and beat the op over the head is just as unbalanced and unhelpful as anybody telling the op she is perfect. Of course she isn't, nobody is. That doesn't mean this man ceases to be responsible for his own actions.

It is cowardly for him to end a 2.5 year relationship by text - no matter what excuses or minimisation you are determined to come up with. He is responsible for that and he is responsible for the inevitable hurt it causes.

The op has control of her choices and behaviour in future, but I think it is abusive to paint her as responsible for this man's actions and their impact on her in this moment.