Dumped by text. Again.

[ItsHappeningAllOverAgain]

I’m looking for some outside perspective because my head is all over the place and I don’t trust my own judgement right now.

Both mid-40s. Met partner start of 2023.
That period of my life tuned out to be very difficult unfortunately, new job, was a bad move and I was stuck in it for a fixed period. When my mum died in 2024, I really struggled with a very physically and emotionally demanding job and grieving for her. I was a bit of a mess to say the least. He finished things by ghosting me.
I then had therapy for about 5 months which is the best thing I've ever done.
6 months later, he reappeared out of the blue, said he missed me, wanted to try again. I was very, very hesitant but eventually agreed. We’ve been back together for about 5 months. Overall it's been really good. I'd missed him and hadn't stopped loving him.
Last weekend we'd both had a drink. I tried to initiate sex, he didn’t want to. I felt rejected and sulked a bit. No shouting, no aggression, no coercion — just a bit awkward and stroppy. I apologised the next day and thought we’d moved past it.
Throughout the relationship he’s said he doesn’t place a high value on sex within a relationship, yet he does use a fair amount of porn. (This was one of the things that bothered me last time and was a factor in the breakup.)
As our lives allow, we only spend a maximum of 8 nights together anyway, it's not unusual to hope for and think intimacy is likely over those few days? I think?

A few days later, he came to my house saying he’d been feeling anxious and awful since that night. I felt blindsided because up until then his texts had been completely normal and light-hearted. During that conversation he said he finds it very hard when I’m emotional and at one point said “I think you might have a mental disorder” (he later apologised for that comment). We were honestly just having what I would class a conversation. A bit animated st the start because I felt a bit ambushed, but no raised voices, just talking about how we both felt, yes prob lots of expression etc, but just a normal conversation.
I asked him if he found this current conversation difficult and he said it's was almost unbearable for him. We were just talking!

Communication from then on was normal texting etc.
A few days after that, he ended the relationship by text saying he felt “anxious and unsafe” and that he wouldn’t be continuing the conversation.
Really robotic.
Being dumped by text message again is absolute shit.

Must have blocked me because my reply hasn't been delivered.
I just feel like this is just so disproportionate.

I don't know what's going on. I just didn't think I'd have this sort of drama in my 40s. I don't know how this has happened twice.

Sending back the gifts does smack to me of wanting to keep contact with him. You could’ve easily sold them. Also telling him not to worry about the money but you now say you need it is two conflicting views, I think you should write it off.

He hasn't forgotten about the money, he simply has no intention of ever paying you back.

The healthiest thing to do now is to consider the £500 as the price of the hard lessons that men who behave badly will not act in an ethical way, and that when you are treated badly, giving a second chance only allows that person to treat you badly again.

I think it’s clear you’re very hurt op and want to be with him, but accepting it and stopping finding reasons to contact him is in your best interests.

Not sure why you’re getting such a hard time, your reactions are perfectly normal and human, and you don’t need therapy for them, other than if you want to have it so that you don’t end up with losers like this again.
Of course you’re going to be annoyed and upset if your boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with you but wants to wank to porn all the time instead. Why bother to even be in a relationship if that’s the case.
It sounds like he’s messed you around during the whole relationship, and with the way he’s gone about the two break ups.
If anything, you’ve been too nice. I’d have sold the presents and I’d be chasing my money too.
Not even sure why you loved him - porn addict, broke in his 40s and lets a single mum pay for him, can’t communicate.
I can only imagine that the people defending him and having a go at you are either men similar to him or pick me women with no standards.

To be honest, I really couldn't give a monkeys what anyone thinks about me sending the gifts back, including him.
It's the right thing to do according to my moral compass. I couldn't care less what it looks like. I would have felt extremely uncomfortable giving them away due to their value and selling them felt callous and greedy. I'd had them a matter of days and they were still boxed.
I just wanted them gone and that felt to me like the right thing. Absolutely other people may have felt comfortable selling them. I don't. No other reason. And I didn't ask for opinions on the gift return anyway, when I posted up thread.

I asked for opinions on the return of the the money. Yes, I did say "forget about the money" but this was in the context of us still being together. And it wouldn't have ended up being a one sided gift from me, because he assured me he would return the favour at another time. But now apparently doesn't feel he has to honour that.
I'm not in the habit of throwing £500 at people that then cut me out of their life.

After reading some responses, I won't contact him to ask for the money back as the last thing I want is to look like I'm pursuing him. I have no interest now in this man who could treat me so coldly. Evidently our values don't align.

I just wanted the money back, simple as that. And I don't think it's unusual to think "my way is the right way". Everyone's values are different. If you don't think your own values are the right ones, you wouldn't have them in the first place.

Thank you to those people who have offered constructive advice, it's really appreciated. ☺️

I only read the first page but my guess is another woman has appeared on the scene so he's pulling this bullshit so he can shag her. Might have been the case the first time too.

When things seem disjointed and don't make sense it's often because there's a part you're not seeing.

However, you could be an unreliable narrator and WE maybe aren't being told everything 🤔

Yes. Both seem unable to have any sort of decent relationship. Best both work on themselves first. This will never work. 🤷‍♀️

"Both seem unable to have any sort of decent relationship" fucking hell😂 what a drastic take.

I've done plenty of work on myself through expensive therapy. I know I'm not perfect by any stretch, I had a wobble where I acted unreasonably and I have acknowledged this and owned it several times in this thread.

I don't want it to work!! It's such a weird Mumsnet thing where people reply to something they've decided they've read. So odd.

A little bit like the posters saying "you need to stop contacting him" and the like.
I haven't contacted him 😂 literally sent the gifts back, that's it. I haven't contacted him and nor am I going to (now it's been explained to me it might look like I'm trying to initiate something).

I've actually raised my standards considerably since having therapy. Expecting to be treated with respect is part of that, and knowing that my generosity doesn't extend to people who can suddenly decide I don't exist.

The thought has crossed my mind, told me he cheated on his last long term partner, so I guess there's always a possibility.

I don't really care either way now. I just feel like he's being a cheeky fucker to benefit from my generosity when he's shown me little respect by cutting me out so abruptly.

It’s not you. This man’s got issues and frankly, he sounds weak and pathetic.

You should never have gone back after he ghosted you the first time. It says an awful lot about the coward.

Fuck him, and make sure you do not get hooked back in.

My take on this is fuck it, ask for the money back. Who cares what he thinks of you. It’s your money and he owes you. If he says no, then move on. But seriously why would you not ask for it? Stop worrying about what people think, who cares. Get your money.

Why would returning them be the ‘right’ thing? They were gifts. They belonged to you. You could’ve justified keeping them in your own mind as payment for the holiday (which you’re not entitled to claim any money for btw)even, but instead you’ve engineered two scenarios out of it for more contact/ attention/ push-pull drama. Why do you crave this toxicity so much? Explore it in therapy.

What on earth are you taking about "craving toxicity?" 😂 Jesus Christ, I'm an adult, this Instagram speak is just ridiculous to me.
Honestly, how dramatic.

I haven't "engineered" anything"
I didn't want the gifts anymore, so I returned them I didn't feel comfortable selling them.
Other people might have, that's their choice. I chose not to because it would make me feel uncomfortable. I couldn't care less how it was construed. Selling them would have felt vulgar and grabby. That doesn't mean I "crave toxicity" fgs. How ridiculous.

Nothing has been engineered. I simply wanted my money back which I still maintain would be the decent thing for him to do. I shouldn't have to ask for it.
However as many people have pointed out, this may be construed as attempting to make contact, and as my only concern is getting the money back, I have made the decision not to do it. SO NOTHING HAS BEEN ENGINEERED.
I'll accept this as money I'm not going to see again.

I'm perfectly comfortable with my view that he should pay the money back off his own bat.
I know with complete certainty I would feel like a completely cheeky cow if someone had paid my half to take me away and then I'd dumped them without paying them back. Regardless of what they said. It's the dignified thing to do.

And I've had a extremely helpful therapy, thank you for the suggestion.

It's taught me that it's ok to speak up for yourself and call out shit behaviour, including that of my own.

If my son had behaved like this I'd be telling him the exact same thing.

But if you really just wanted your money back, why not sell the gifts? It doesn't make sense.

And honestly, if you're going to talk about being dignified, it's not very dignified to give someone a gift and then demand it back. I mean, you can if you want, of course. But it just seems like another excuse to make contact and also another way to not take any responsibility for yourself.

Look, he sounds like a shitty guy. But you can't control other people's behaviour. You can control your own behaviour and choices, so why not take responsibility for that, and forget about him. Take the financial loss and the loss of your illusions about this relationship as a lesson and be grateful that it wasn't a lot harder. Next time, it will be a disaster, so take control now.

Ok, I'm the point now where I can't repeat myself any more 😂

I’m not on Instagram.
If you can’t recognise that what you’re doing is looking for ways to prolong needless contact with this guy then you’re deluded. You really do need to break these, yes, toxic games.
About the money: the sensible thing would’ve been to insist on going halves at the time. You didn’t. You then dismissed mention of repayment with a casual ‘you get the next one’. Obviously that prospect has died with the relationship.
If you can’t afford to lose money, don’t spend it
Take financial responsibility for yourself and your children
Write off lost causes as the price paid for life lessons
Finally, don’t judge people by your own standards. Especially people with whom relationships have broken down due to incompatibility. A different man may have insisted on sending you some money. Not this one. But recognise your own part in all this- don’t sit and dwell for however many weeks, then think of reasons to invite contact with a man who causes you pain. It’s bonkers. And a bit ‘look, look I’m still here! I’m the bigger person! And you’re wrong’ was if he’s going to have an epiphany and agree with you.

Good grief.
I want my money back. Not contact. My money.

It's not needless because I'm want my money back and I'm entitled to it.

But. For the final time ( I hope) I have accepted at least twice on this thread that the money has gone and I'm NOT going to ask for it back. And I have said several times that I'm not going to make contact. This doesn't mean I've changed mind over what I think is the right thing to do.

This doesn't seem to be landing for some reason.

Posters still seem intent on repeating themselves and telling me I'm thinking of reasons to contact him when I've said very plainly and clearly that I'm NOT going to do that.
What is game playing about that?

It's a bit weird, this insistence that I'm doing something that I patently am not.

And honestly, the levels of hindsight that some people exercise on these forums is very convenient. I don't have a crystal ball. I, like many other people put trust and faith in people that I love and that love me back. So yes, sometimes I will do kind and generous things for them. I'm glad I'm that person. I'm also glad that I'm the person that wouldn't take advantage of someone doing something nice for me.
Yes, it's bitten me in the arse, but I won't live my life assuming the worst.

And I take excellent financial responsibility for myself and my children. I have been doing so for well over a decade.
So no worries on that front.

It's not really kind and generous if you were only giving on the condition that he stayed in the relationship.

Honestly, I think if this was the other way round, and you were saying your ex was demanding you pay him money for a trip he said was his treat, people would think that was out of order.

I didn't say it was my treat.

I paid for it back in September and the plan was always for him to pay me back gradually.
4 months later I hadn't had a payment.
He brought it up during a conversation literally days before he finished things. It was a tense convo, so I just said " don't worry about it for now"
He then said "no, it's ok I'll get the next one then"

So at that point, he was prepared to repay in kind. And now because he's decided to finish things it's suddenly ok not to square things? So if we were to stay together he'd "pay me back" by returning the trip, but me expecting the equivalent in an actual payment is unreasonable?

I think not.

And for the final fucking time, I am not going to ask for the money back. Not because I think I shouldn't, but because I've been assured it would look like I'm fishing for contact. So I won't.

He's a cheeky fucker for getting a free holiday out of me and then severing all ties.
He had 4 months to start paying me back and didn't pay anything at all. Then brings it up days before he dumps me.
Classy.

And of course I'm only going to offer generosity of that scale to someone I'm in a relationship with!!
The generosity part was me paying for it up front so we could actually go, and him paying me back gradually. He knew that I didn't afford to pay I we a thousand pounds for that trip.
The deal was never that I'd pay for the whole lot as a treat.

Honestly, the entitlement!!

I can understand (not agree) with dumping someone by text after a few dates, but after 2.5 years, this isn't a decent person. You don't sell him well!

Well if you were as clear with him as you have been on this thread, then you could forgive him for being confused! It did really sound from your comments like you'd said you'd pay for the whole thing and he did a casual, I'll get the next one, babe.

But either way, you were unwise to pay money you couldn't afford to lose in order to spend time with a guy who had already treated you so badly. He's a shithead, but he'd already shown you that in so many different ways. It doesn't reflect well on you that you spent money on him if it wasn't money you could really afford. I know you don't want to hear it, OP, but you need to take responsibility for the choices you have made and figure out how to be better to yourself. Let this man go - he's really not worth any of this drama.

I’m in the same boat as you, 2/1/2 year relationship with a woman who dumped me by text after she met another man - I’m so sorry but people are just shitty like this - some people just lie and on without a care in the world.

Yes. But men are generally entitled IME.

I get where you're coming from.
In order for you to move on emotionally, you need to forget about the money. I'm very sorry, because you can't afford it and he owes it to you. But he sounds like a cunt and he's best put into the past @ItsHappeningAllOverAgain

Do your very best to forget about him.
I realise that that is not going to be easy, though.

You have more integrity than he. A lot more. Karma will get him in the end.