Dumped by text. Again.

[ItsHappeningAllOverAgain]

I’m looking for some outside perspective because my head is all over the place and I don’t trust my own judgement right now.

Both mid-40s. Met partner start of 2023.
That period of my life tuned out to be very difficult unfortunately, new job, was a bad move and I was stuck in it for a fixed period. When my mum died in 2024, I really struggled with a very physically and emotionally demanding job and grieving for her. I was a bit of a mess to say the least. He finished things by ghosting me.
I then had therapy for about 5 months which is the best thing I've ever done.
6 months later, he reappeared out of the blue, said he missed me, wanted to try again. I was very, very hesitant but eventually agreed. We’ve been back together for about 5 months. Overall it's been really good. I'd missed him and hadn't stopped loving him.
Last weekend we'd both had a drink. I tried to initiate sex, he didn’t want to. I felt rejected and sulked a bit. No shouting, no aggression, no coercion — just a bit awkward and stroppy. I apologised the next day and thought we’d moved past it.
Throughout the relationship he’s said he doesn’t place a high value on sex within a relationship, yet he does use a fair amount of porn. (This was one of the things that bothered me last time and was a factor in the breakup.)
As our lives allow, we only spend a maximum of 8 nights together anyway, it's not unusual to hope for and think intimacy is likely over those few days? I think?

A few days later, he came to my house saying he’d been feeling anxious and awful since that night. I felt blindsided because up until then his texts had been completely normal and light-hearted. During that conversation he said he finds it very hard when I’m emotional and at one point said “I think you might have a mental disorder” (he later apologised for that comment). We were honestly just having what I would class a conversation. A bit animated st the start because I felt a bit ambushed, but no raised voices, just talking about how we both felt, yes prob lots of expression etc, but just a normal conversation.
I asked him if he found this current conversation difficult and he said it's was almost unbearable for him. We were just talking!

Communication from then on was normal texting etc.
A few days after that, he ended the relationship by text saying he felt “anxious and unsafe” and that he wouldn’t be continuing the conversation.
Really robotic.
Being dumped by text message again is absolute shit.

Must have blocked me because my reply hasn't been delivered.
I just feel like this is just so disproportionate.

I don't know what's going on. I just didn't think I'd have this sort of drama in my 40s. I don't know how this has happened twice.

Agree with this. It seems like you’re looking for excuses to contact him - don’t!

Returning his gifts comes across as petty imo. Too late now but you’d have been better selling them on Vinted to reclaim some of the cash.

You need to cut your losses and put it down to experience

I honestly did not see returning them as petty. Not at all. I just wanted to do the right thing and I didn't expect a response.
I'd had the gifts for about a week before he finished things. It just felt not right to hold on to them or sell them. Honestly was trying to do the morally right thing.

Tbh, I'm a single parent and £500 is a lot of money to me. I would have let it go if I'd known we'd go on to have other shared experiences.
I think if the shoe was on the other foot I've had sent the money back to him. It would feel wrong not to.

I returned Christmas gifts when my last relationship ended as well as any of his things that were at my house. I don’t think it was petty, his belongings were his and I didn’t feel right throwing everything out (that would have been petty). And I definitely didn’t want to look at them for a second longer. I made sure I returned them when I knew he’d be out to avoid any communication. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what you did.

I’d ask for the money back or cancel if you can. I had something similar but he’d paid his half and I asked him what he wanted to do. He said it was up to me which was decent of him, let’s hope your ex can be too. If not can you take a friend?

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you have to protect yourself! Especially when dating. You have to have some rules that ensure you retain your self-respect and not let people walk all over you. You never should have given him a second chance after he ghosted you. Ghosting after a year long relationship is fucking horrendous behaviour and shows him up to be a selfish coward. There’s no way I would ever speak to someone again if they did that to me. People (people that age anyway) don’t change, so it’s not surprising he ended the next relationship over text. Also, anyone saying they felt “anxious and unsafe” around me after fairly normal behaviour, would not be the kind of wet loser I’d want to go out with, so I think you dodged a bullet anyway. Get back out there and find someone who deserves you and treats you with respect.

Yeah you should have ended it, if being rejected for sex has you sulking, and trying to make it his fault, when you knew he liked porn and didn’t value sex but chose to be with him isn’t ok. if a man did that he’d get his arse handed to him. For me it’s just icky,He’s done the right thing ending it. The way he did so and all the unsafe stuff is odd. So I don’t think either of you should be in a relationship right now.

He’s a gaslighting dickhead, it’s normal to have sex in a relationship. If you’re not capable because youre a porn addled creep, stick to your browser & tissues and leave actual people alone. Your only mistake was giving him another chance after he already showed you who he is.

@Brightbluesomething We already took the holiday, it was 3 months ago.

Yeah, returning the gifts was literally just a "I can't look at them, it feels a bit mercenary to sell them" and harsh to give them away when I know thought was put into them.
I sent them by post and do not expect a response.

If it's "not ok" to choose to be with him despite i knowing he liked porn and didn't value sex(😬... but ok) , then it's surely " not ok" for him to enter into a commited relationship knowing that most people prefer real life sex and assume their sex life is going to be majority based in reality and not in porn.
Because they really do.

I agree, it is very wet behaviour.
I've been through a few legitimately traumatising things this past 10 years, so to hear him use language like "unsafe" just seems so ridiculous in the context of what actually happened.

I’m not sure, as long as the person knows I think it’s ok; and second time you knew.

I think you really need to just let this go now. Returning presents, asking for money back is only losing your dignity and making you look very clingy and desperate to hang onto contact with him. Why prolong it?
It hasn't worked out, he has made it clear he does not want a sexual relationship with you.
Ok dumping you by text wasn't great but it told you all you need to know about him. Don't humiliate yourself yet again with this guy.

I'm not humiliating myself, I tried to do the right thing.
I don't get how returning the presents is losing my dignity.
I was just trying to be a good person. I know he struggles for money, so sending them back was the right thing to do. I haven't made a deal of it, just sent them back, didn't expect a response or anything.
I just know that if I was in his position, I would have returned the money by now.
It's not cool to say you'll repay in kind later in the relationship (leading me to believe everything was ok) and then do a compete 180 in days.
It's a lot of money.

It’s shit but I think you’ll have to write it off
what if you ask for it back and he says no ?

I suppose I can't do anything really. I know what you're saying.
I guess I just feel like a complete twat anyway being dumped by text twice.
The fact that this money has been forgotten about purely on the basis that he's decided to end things seems a bit harsh.
Maybe it's just me.

He didn’t “forget” about the money. He raised it, you told him not to worry about it, and then he made a casual comment about paying next time you went away. His not paying you back was not contingent on that future trip actually happening. You closed the issue at the time and you don’t get to reopen it now purely because he’s cut contact. That may feel unfair to you, but it doesn’t make it unreasonable on his part.

Returning the presents was also your choice. It might have felt principled, but it doesn’t create an obligation for him to mirror your behaviour or refund a past expense.

Stepping back, this is part of a wider pattern you’re not quite facing. You tolerated a relationship where your needs around intimacy were clearly mismatched and then repeatedly tried to rationalise behaviour you already knew didn’t work for you. You’ve practiced poor self-protection and continue to do so if you don’t just draw a line under this. BE DONE. Move on.

I take your point.

I am moving on.

I suppose I tolerated a lot of things because I loved him.

Anyway, it's done. I won't be asking for the money back.
But I do think if he was a stand up man he would have done it anyway.
I know with completely certainty I would have done.

But I do think if he was a stand up man he would have done it anyway.

If he were a standup man this post wouldn’t even exist. He’s demonstrated time and again that he’s not, unfortunately.

Your reactions do seem off OP. Mailing back Christmas gifts is a very immature thing to do. You know he can’t return them or wear them, so what point are you making?

I think you did it for attention, you want to reignite communication which is wrong when he’s ended it. The only acceptable return would be if he had gifted you a family treasure.

It’s over, it wasn’t working anyway so you really do just need to accept the situation, realise the relationship wasn’t a healthy one, and move on.

It was footwear and a watch. Both of which were still boxed and unused. He could easily have sold them at next to new cost.
I was honestly trying to do the right thing.

I am moving on, and I have accepted it. I just wanted opinions as to whether I am entitled to ask for the holiday money back.
I'd rather not think about him at all to be honest, but as I said, it's a lot of money to give away to someone who it turns out doesn't give a shit about you.

Why didnt you sell them? Especially since he owes you £500?

Didn’t spot the date. Sorry

Sending the gifts back was attention seeking and weird. If you didn't want to keep them, you should have sold them and recouped some of the cost of the holiday.

Likewise, you made him a gift of the money for the holiday and can't ask for it back now. He would probably think it weird to return a gift and isn't going to get the 'hint' by you returning his gifts.

Just drop it. You're not compatible and you are only hurting yourself by continuing to obsess over this relationship.

This OP. This man has been very very clear that he doesn’t want to be around you anymore. Doing all of the above is an attempt to get attention, any attention from him.
You have to stop.
Its irrelevant what kind of person he is, you have to completely stop contacting him whatsoever and get yourself back into therapy .
I know that’s harsh but I mean it well. I’ve been there and I wish someone had been blunt with me back then.

OP you keep saying about doing the right thing, what you would have done in his shoes, what a 'stand up' man would have done but that is just how you see the 'right' way of doing things and not everyone will work the same way.

You've already seen several times you're not on the same page in many ways so this latest situation isn't a case of who's right and who's wrong - you're very different people who see things very differently.

You told him not to repay you so he's not wrong for doing exactly what was agreed. You made the choice to return the gifts - he can't have any blame put on him for not seeing this as a reason to repay you. I think you were wrong to return the gifts when he owed you money but that’s just my take.

You say you're a single mum and it's a lot of money to lose - sadly it's a lesson learned not to pay for a man in future without ensuring he pays you his share immediately.

This isn't a healthy dynamic for either of you. Cut your losses and learn from what's happened.

I think it sounds as though he is an avoidant and is in the habit of pushing people away at the slightest sign of confrontation - it is self sabotage and IME a bit bi-polar in the fact they see people in black and white; as soon as you are "bad" there is little chance of changing their opinion. They will bulldoze even the best situations and blame you rather than notice their own pattern and get therapy or help.

You are dodging a huge bullet. You know you have done all you can here, given a second chance and were willing to resolve and talk through issues. Men like this are simply too cowardly to break up properly because they don't want to think about their behavior and you talking about it rationally will make him feel stupid because he can't address his own deeper issues and his reasoning/excuses to you are clearly ridiculous. Just be very glad you are putting this all behind you. The next woman will be getting the exact same treatment as men who do this rarely self-reflect and change.