Dumped by text. Again.

[ItsHappeningAllOverAgain]

I’m looking for some outside perspective because my head is all over the place and I don’t trust my own judgement right now.

Both mid-40s. Met partner start of 2023.
That period of my life tuned out to be very difficult unfortunately, new job, was a bad move and I was stuck in it for a fixed period. When my mum died in 2024, I really struggled with a very physically and emotionally demanding job and grieving for her. I was a bit of a mess to say the least. He finished things by ghosting me.
I then had therapy for about 5 months which is the best thing I've ever done.
6 months later, he reappeared out of the blue, said he missed me, wanted to try again. I was very, very hesitant but eventually agreed. We’ve been back together for about 5 months. Overall it's been really good. I'd missed him and hadn't stopped loving him.
Last weekend we'd both had a drink. I tried to initiate sex, he didn’t want to. I felt rejected and sulked a bit. No shouting, no aggression, no coercion — just a bit awkward and stroppy. I apologised the next day and thought we’d moved past it.
Throughout the relationship he’s said he doesn’t place a high value on sex within a relationship, yet he does use a fair amount of porn. (This was one of the things that bothered me last time and was a factor in the breakup.)
As our lives allow, we only spend a maximum of 8 nights together anyway, it's not unusual to hope for and think intimacy is likely over those few days? I think?

A few days later, he came to my house saying he’d been feeling anxious and awful since that night. I felt blindsided because up until then his texts had been completely normal and light-hearted. During that conversation he said he finds it very hard when I’m emotional and at one point said “I think you might have a mental disorder” (he later apologised for that comment). We were honestly just having what I would class a conversation. A bit animated st the start because I felt a bit ambushed, but no raised voices, just talking about how we both felt, yes prob lots of expression etc, but just a normal conversation.
I asked him if he found this current conversation difficult and he said it's was almost unbearable for him. We were just talking!

Communication from then on was normal texting etc.
A few days after that, he ended the relationship by text saying he felt “anxious and unsafe” and that he wouldn’t be continuing the conversation.
Really robotic.
Being dumped by text message again is absolute shit.

Must have blocked me because my reply hasn't been delivered.
I just feel like this is just so disproportionate.

I don't know what's going on. I just didn't think I'd have this sort of drama in my 40s. I don't know how this has happened twice.

That may well be the case. Which would merely affirm that he is in fact a coward.

Nonsense. Responsible counsellors don't go around diagnosing people third hand over the internet. The most you can do is suggest that there's a possibility he might fit that profile.

You're two thirds of the way through a psychology degree; that doesn't make you an expert. Just goes to show anyone can call themselves a counsellor and take vulnerable people's money.

Wrong thinker - I have a level 4 theraputic counselling qualification which is needed to become a counsellor, and to be accredited means I have had practical counselling sessions clients, and am taking further study to become a psychologist. I will not be getting into a war of words and be personally attacked by someone that doesn't know me. Ending this now and not jusitfying myself when i was merely offering this woman advice. I don't have social media for this very reason you can't even help someone without someone negative attacking someone offering support.

Dumping by test is horrible. Sulking about sex is horrible.

The relationship is over. Best forget counselling, and forget this relationship.

A good relationship relies on discussion, mutual support and a healthy love life. It should be simple. 🤷‍♀️

My recent ex who is another woman also dumped me with a text, twice. So you’re not alone dealing with this crap in your 40s. Mine is a textbook fearful avoidant. This breakup traumatised me. Five months in and still in the trenches. Text dumping is just so cold and cowardly. I think my mistake was thinking that the first text dump was a gigantic misunderstanding, and chasing, rather than that action telling me a lot about who that person is. No one can be with a person who’s ok to just turn around and write a one-sided dumping text to their alleged partner rather than communicate a problem. Block everything, it’s easier. Not doing that was my other mistake, so I got the pleasure of seeing the woman she dated 8 weeks later on stories 🙄. Godspeed OP, avoidants are up there with cheats for horrendous breakups. I hope his dick falls off.

@Luckyness45 I agree with you having been in a relationship very similar to this, although I don’t have your qualifications I work in a related field. The signs are very clear although being able to articulate that he doesn’t feel psychologically safe isn’t always as common. It took 3 breakups for me to leave for good and I was on this merry go round for a number of years.
OP - it happened because you let him back. Don’t make that mistake again. Time heals and you deserve better.

Thanks for replies.

I totally accept the no sex strop thing is really not good. This was what in the main pushed me to seek therapy after we first split.
I really do get that's it's grim. Honestly.

I'd become just so much more chilled since we got back together, a big aspect of insecurity changed when I'd had therapy. Over that 6 months he'd obviously said no to intimacy before and I didn't make a thing of it. It's the first time I was a dick. But minor, not a big thing in my mind.

This was a ine off. And it didn't even last long.
We were eating cheese again a bit later (festive period).

It just all feels so dramatic.

OP he sounds like my soon to be ex husband. Avid porn user and disinterested in real intimacy. Would rather peel off his own scalp than discuss it. If I tried, he would disarm me with many of the lines this man used on you; you’re too emotional, too angry, a sex pest, I don’t feel comfortable taking to you. Basically anything to make you the problem. What they mean is they don’t want to be honest and deal with the consequences of being honest including perfectly legitimate emotional reactions. So they speak to you like this to train you to STFU. Getting into a strop isn’t your finest hour but this really struck a cord with the manipulation I came to recognise.

Just feel that this is so harsh! Not ideal behaviour from OP, but not ‘horrible’ and don’t think it was deserving of being dumped by text. No, probably shouldn’t have given him a second chance or sulked when he rejected her but, jeez, are we not all fallible humans! Having self-awareness and the willingness to recognise our flaws and failings is surely the starting point for growth and self improvement.

He sounds like hard work. “Anxious and unsafe” is too dramatic. When people behave erratically with ghosting etc I always think there are things you don’t know about their lives. This is most likely a lucky escape

Stop it. It’s unhelpful behaviour but stop minimising what abuse actually is. Sulking is not abuse.

Ahh that is rubbish OP, break ups are always shit. Don't be embarrassed to tell your friends.

Watching porn now and then isn't an issue for me, but it sounds like he's watching far too much.
What do you mean when you say you only get 8 nights together? Is that monthly? I agree you'd expect to have sex, especially as you've only been back together five months! It's hurtful and embarrassing, but it's not you it's him and his own issues.
Can I ask if in hindsight you think you were ready to get in a relationship after your awful year? Just because you said you were a mess.
Did you tell him you went to therapy? If you did I think he's latched onto that to throw back and excuse any bad behaviour on his part.

His issue. Not yours. Maybe he has some things to process himself, about himself. He could be gay.
Bit of a leap, but I can’t think of any heterosexual man in his 40s that would decline sex and then say they felt “anxious and unsafe”.

Being dumped by text can feel really rubbish, but imagine sitting opposite him listening to this and then having to leave and drive home etc. At least this way he’s said it and it’s done - no going around in circles. Try not to feel rejected because honestly it is easy to slip into that mindset, but it isn’t based on anything real. You weren’t the one for him and vice versa so hold your head high and focus on you.

The sulking and stropping when being told no to sex may not be abusive but it is indeed horrible behaviour. It would be fair enough for anyone to decide they didn't want this in their life.

It sounds like this was a big feature of the relationship the first time around and on seeing this behaviour return, I expect the now-ex bf decided there was no way he was going through all that again.

It may have seemed minor to you, OP, and even an improvement on your previous behaviour. No doubt you've worked on yourself and made progress. But that doesn't mean others have to tolerate your bad behaviour or give you grace, especially if they've already given you a number of chances.

I think you are doing yourself a big disservice by focusing and getting others to focus on what's wrong with him. Think about your own behaviour and choices and accept that whether or not this man should have ditched you over text is kind of irrelevant at this point. Just let him go.

After a few months together, a text message ending things is really not that awful. It's progress from just ghosting you. So by your own metric, he's improved his behaviour and is much better than he was, so why make a big deal of it? Show him the grace you wish he'd shown you.

@wrongthinker I'm not sure why you're so invested in nailing home the point that it is horrible behaviour. I've admitted this several times on this thread.
This behaviour however, didn't come from nowhere. It's a reaction to the knowledge that he doesn't value sex highly in a relationship but used porn regularly. This is magnified to me when I instigate intimacy and it's not reciprocated. I talked about this in therapy extensively.

Probably the right thing to have done the first time around would have been to leave the relationship myself, but I loved him and thought perhaps we'd work through it.

I am letting him go, I can't stop him from leaving, obviously.

I don’t think many women would be happy to have their chance of a sex life totally obliterated by their partner’s porn use. Sadly, this is becoming the reality for many, many women.

Not sure why you think OP should deem any of that acceptable and just passively accept it.

Because you keep making excuses for yourself and focusing on his bad behaviour instead. And that isn't the way to heal and move forward into a healthy loving relationship.

But you're right, I've said it a couple of times and you're still blaming others for your choices, so I guess that's what you need to do right now and I'll leave you to it. Wishing you luck.

You are only human and you gave him a second chance, he wasn’t worth it. Often my instincts have been correct when I’ve been hesitant to be with a man, I knew deep down they wasn’t right but it’s human nature to find out anyway!

Throughout the relationship he’s said he doesn’t place a high value on sex within a relationship, yet he does use a fair amount of porn. (This was one of the things that bothered me last time and was a factor in the breakup.)

you definitely don't need this relationship! How many more red flags do you need than being dumped twice and in between being devalued and dehumanised while he's getting it off with porn.

please work on your self-esteem. Never let this man, or anything that even vaguely represents his type, get into your life ever again. See the warning signs, don't ignore things that feel wrong or make you unhappy. It's your intuition telling you to run, run and don't look back >>>> hills that way >>> ⛰️

now is your chance to be free, don't let him back in, ever.

I don’t think he’s really done anything wrong either. He doesn’t sound like someone I’d want a relationship with, but I can’t see that he’s actually behaved badly here.

I think this is one of those where if the OP was one who had ended a relationship with a male partner because his reactions/behaviour made her feel uneasy or were affecting her mental health, and because he sulked and whined when his girlfriend didn’t want sex, everyone would be urging the OP to ‘dump him, then block him on everything’.

For me, it's the two things being true at the same time that I've never been able to square.
"I don't place sex highly in a relationship"
and
"I have a compulsion when it comes to porn"
(He's since said he didn't mean that, why in earth you would say it if you'd didn't mean it, I don't know)
I find it really insulting as it suggests to me, a high sex drive with a screen, but a low one with me.

After we first split that was the driving factor that sent me to therapy (he suggested it) because I really did want to be less sensitive around this issue and more laid-back.

I definitely feel much healthier now.
I had a blip. Yes, I went quiet, a bit withdrawn, but there was no whining or trying to coerce or anything like that. The way I react when I'm 'rejected' for sex is directly linked to how I feel about those two statements above. I can't get over that, which is why I should have finished it myself in the first place really.

I’m not sure why posters are treating you as if you’re an abusive man trying to blackmail your girlfriend into sex.

Clearly it’s not great to sulk after being turned down for intimacy, but a sulk is very different from the kind of behaviour people seem to be conflating it with. A healthy relationship usually entails sex, and it’s completely reasonable to be upset and angry that your partner is happy to look at other women through a screen rather than make love with the real woman they’re in a relationship with. That kind of behaviour smacks of addiction and low effort.

No one has a duty to give their partner sex, but both partners (if they genuinely care about one another) should be concerned if one of them routinely goes unsatisfied sexually.

OP you’re well shot of him. He sounds like a poor communicator and poor partner. If there’s something to take away from this it’s that you need a partner you can communicate clearly and openly with, and who has a similar sexual appetite (without a porn addiction). I hope you enjoy the single life and you find a good relationship when you’re ready.

He suggested you needed therapy to be less sensitive about his porn compulsion? He sounds like a right charmer!

Hi, I know this is 3 weeks on now, but I could do with some outsiders perspective.
Trying to move on as best I can, although still very confused as to all the drama and flip flopping of feelings etc.

Anyway, in the spirit of moving on, I returned the Christmas gifts he gave me as I didn't want them anymore, they were gifts I would wear or use regularly and it would just be a constant reminder. It didn't feel morally right to sell them (quite expensive) or give them away, so I posted them back to him.

We had a city break back in the autumn that I put on my credit card, with the view he'd pay me back for his half gradually. Totally fine with that. The last time I saw him (when I thought everything was ok) he raised the money and I said "don't worry about it now, I've paid it off" and he said "well, I'll get it the next time we go away then".

Ok, sounds good. Indicates to me, we're back on track and that he's seeing future trips.

Then 4 days later, he ends it and seemingly blocks me.
What do I do now? It's over £500.
I absolutely meant it when I said don't worry about it, but that was when in the context of an ongoing relationship, shared future plans, and goodwill.
I'm worried I'll look petty if I ask for it back now, but I do feel a bit pissed off that I've basically paid for him to have a lovely weekend away and now he's just acting like I don't exist. (His choice, I know before anyone jumps on me)

You told him not to worry about the money so you can hardly go back to him now and ask for it, just because he's ended the relationship. You also didn't need to return the gifts - did you do this to try and keep some form of communication or provoke a response? Be honest with yourself if this is the case. The gifts were given to you, they belong to you and you could quite easily have sold them to recoup the money from the weekend away.