A holiday with friends gets this response?

[SunshineSally99]

What are people’s views on this because I for the life of me cannot get my head around this.

I’ve decided to book a day trip abroad with my friend. We havnt done this since pre Covid so will be looking forward to it.

I told my boyfriend who I’ve been with for almost 2 years and he was really annoyed about it.
we’ve started doing those extreme day trips and overnights abroad after seeing a few groups online about it and we’ve had 2 trips and have a few more booked.

I enjoy travelling and me and this friend had been away before for her divorce and years before I met my boyfriend.

he went quiet and what I think was going in a mood over it saying he was bothered because I’m now doing something with someone else when he thought it was “our thing” and “special to us”

he then said he feels really embarrassed by thinking we had something that was special to us and that he held such a sentiment to it and now it’s not something we do that’s special to us as a couple it’s something I do with whoever.

He then said it’s ok if I don’t go you can just ask someone else or someone else so it’s fine. I said would it be any different if I went away in this country and he said yes because it’s all the time we’ve spent planning and talking and discussing different destinations.

he said not many couples do it and he feels stupid to think that way. He said his ego feels bruised and he feels stupid for thinking we had something together and that I don’t think of it the same way.

He also now says he’s realised that if he doesn’t go I can just ask someone else and I’m like yeah… again pretty normal.

I said I wouldn’t have an issue with him going away with a friend because that’s what people do. I could see his point if I stopped asking or planning holidays away and just went with my friends then I could see his point but a one off trip that I havnt done in years?

I said it’s not so much the activity itself but it’s about the people you spend the time with that makes it important. He’s now saying he’s not that bothered about booking anything else anytime soon because it’s not special anymore and refused to book anything else. I said he was cutting his own nose off here.

I said he’s showing protest behaviour and actually this can look really controlling. He said he doesn’t have an issue with me going away if it was for a birthday, hen do or a reason but he’s struggling with the whole extreme day trip idea.

he says I havnt done anything wrong which I know this and that his feelings are his own and he has to deal with them. I won’t stop myself from going because I’ve not got no reason not to go. I’m only going for a day and it shouldnt be this hard!

I don’t know if he’s jealous or envious because he hasn’t got hardly any friends to do things with but that isn’t my issue.

it’s really concerning because any partner should be like that’s amazing hope you have a nice time… but I get this response? I’m trying to see it from his point of view in thinking that we had something for us but to be honest travelling I feel is a pretty ordinary part of life.

his last relationship they both never had much outside of each other and he felt guilty for having a life outside his marriage because she would guilt trip him for going… and yet now he’s behaving in the same way.

He needs to get a grip

Everything you have said here.. he said to me.

He said he feels silly because he’s added sentimate to something and I’m very much blasé about it

he said well I can just find anyone to go with now if he isn’t going.

he said he feels stupid for viewing something and thinking it was special and I don’t seemingly share the same perspective.

he said he has to work through it… our perspectives are different and now that he knows that he will be doing the same. He thought I’d have an issue with him doing it but I wouldn’t. The only time I’d say something was if I were being replaced the whole time in favour of his friend.

it is one to watch and I’ll be definitely aware of it.

Weird and very controlling. I would not indulge this. Tell him you want to spend time with your friend and you do other stuff with him. Seriously though what is an extreme day trip? Do you mean not overnight?

Run for the hills and don’t look back

No, this is not on. You are not his prisoner. He’s creating a problem out of nothing. Him showing you his ‘big emotions’ here is really about controlling you, making you feel guilty for doing something completely normal. I’d get out now.

He is being controlling and manipulative. That you can't see this makes me think he's already subtly manouevred you into a place where you doubt your own perceptions and default to seeing things his way.

He may have overstepped here, been over confident about how much control he has over you. He won't make that mistake again. He is going to make your life miserable and he'll do it inch by inch, day by day, until you don't recognise yourself anymore.

Have you actually told him how unattractive he is making himself?

Does he realise that he’s turning you off with every babyish self centred comment? Does he even care?

It’s ridiculous. Do you go grocery shopping together? If so, tell him you’ll always have Tescos

It can either be going somewhere super early and flying back the same day or it can be an overnight somewhere too but the premise is doing it over a small period of time.

it’s worked well because we both work term time so it’s cheaper doing it this way as opposed to forking out ££££ in the summer for one week away.

but yes it is a completely normal thing to do and I never had an issue with it in my last relationship so this has really caught me off guard as to why be going somewhere for a day would create such a set of feelings.

this has really caught me off guard as to why be going somewhere for a day would create such a set of feelings

Because he's bonkers OP 😞

I had this and it didn't end well. He tried to ruin anything I tried to do with friends in some way and managed it because getting the silent treatment or "off" texts whilst you're away does ruin it!

If it is a one off spiralling of his and red flag (unlikely but possible) in the way @SpidersAreShitheads and he describes, it’s still solely HIS issue / weirdness to resolve, with himself.

He feels silly: his problem. He puts sentiment on specific places/activities: his preference.

His feelings and thoughts: his to manage

I do understand why people stay in these situations. You think, 'Well I love him, let's give him the benefit of the doubt. If anything similar happens, I'll end it then.'

Then something else happens and it's kind of like what happened before, but not exactly. And again, there are extenuating circumstances, you can sort of see where they're coming from, well maybe not exactly, but they are just trying to explain their feelings, they can't help having feelings, can they. And you're not perfect either. So it feels a bit harsh to end it over that thing. So you give them another chance. And the next thing happens, and you think, well it's not that clear cut either, is it, and that's kind of on me anyway because I knew he'd be upset if I did or said that thing, he's always been honest with me that he hates me going away with my friends even though he knows he shouldn't mind. And if I didn't leave him over the first two things, which were kind of worse, I can't really leave over this little incident. I need to just try a bit harder not to upset him... And so on.

Then at some point down the line, you're on here again asking why you have no confidence and how you can prove to your partner that he doesn't need to control you. Or worse.

Like the quote goes, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." If we all took that one piece of advice to heart, how much easier would life be.

If you are going to keep seeing him OP, then make your boundaries crystal clear. I.e. "I won't stay with someone who complains about me going away for a day with my friend." "I won't stay with someone who sulks when he doesn't get his own way." "I won't stay with someone who uses his emotions to manipulate me." Etc. Have your own boundaries set out clearly, preferably in writing, and make a promise to yourself that the next time he breaches one of these boundaries, it's over.

Beautifully put, @wrongthinker 🥰

@SunshineSally99 no way would any man say that to me. If he can’t be pleased you have friends or doing things with them, this is a big problem

An extreme day trip is when you fly somewhere on an early flight, spend tge day there then got home same day.

I’ve done a few. Getting a flight about 6/7am having a few hours sightseeing, having lunch and a few drinks then flying home that evening

I had a similar reaction when my then boyfriend traveled to the destination where we took our first couple’s holiday but this time with some male friends (and without me).

It was somewhat irrational but I just kept thinking about how lovely (and romantic) our shared holiday had been and how I wanted to go again (with him).

I won’t be getting an apology I know that much because he doesn’t think he’s in the wrong for his feelings

That in combination with the jealousy is a massive red flag however, to me personally even worse than the jealousy tbh. He doesn’t need to apologise for his feelings but he should still apologise for his actions! I would expect an adult to know and understand that!

This is embarrassingly childish and jealous from him. He should be cringing at even saying this. He wants you to never, ever do a trip like this with a friend as he thinks he has sole right? And he wants you to see how hurt he is that he doesn’t, in fact, have this special monopoly? Tell him to grow up or sling it. Otherwise there’ll be no end to the things you try to do independently that he feels snub and exclude him. Suffocating!

This dude has the energy and entitlement of a stage five clinger and control freak.

This isn’t an issue to work out. This is him letting you know that unless you dedicate every moment and bit of energy into him in some codependent controlling relationship he will use guilt, shame and silent treatment to try and get his way.

Does he live with you or you him ?

He's very insecure, and his automatically defaulting to a tantrum and (attempted) emotional coercion is really concerning. If he's not open to talking about it in a way where he accepts responsibility for his actions/seeing a therapist about his past relationship issues, it's very likely time to move on. It's not your responsibility to alter your normal, healthy life activities and choices because of a senseless fit thrown by a grown man, and personally, this would give me the ick so badly.

Oh dear
you are dating a sulky child.

at least you now know, and can make your adult decisions accordingly...

It's good you are going to watch him with critical eye. Sounds very much like controlling behaviour, trying to push your boundaries while making you think he's not doing it on purpose.

Is this a reverse? There was a post a few days ago virtually exactly the same except the BF wanted to do an extreme day trip with a friend and the GF was upset that he hadn't invited her instead of his friend. Because apparently she thought it was something special between them. And everyone said she was right to be upset and that obviously there was only 1 reason he'd be going without her and to LTB!

God honestly I can’t imagine how a specific kind of travel (which is quite broad really) could be construed as your ‘thing’ as a couple. I could understand if it was the city where you met or a specific place that that was special to both of you in the context of your relationship What next ? Is going out for dinner going to be acceptable for you two only? He sounds very precious and quite hard work