A holiday with friends gets this response?

[SunshineSally99]

What are people’s views on this because I for the life of me cannot get my head around this.

I’ve decided to book a day trip abroad with my friend. We havnt done this since pre Covid so will be looking forward to it.

I told my boyfriend who I’ve been with for almost 2 years and he was really annoyed about it.
we’ve started doing those extreme day trips and overnights abroad after seeing a few groups online about it and we’ve had 2 trips and have a few more booked.

I enjoy travelling and me and this friend had been away before for her divorce and years before I met my boyfriend.

he went quiet and what I think was going in a mood over it saying he was bothered because I’m now doing something with someone else when he thought it was “our thing” and “special to us”

he then said he feels really embarrassed by thinking we had something that was special to us and that he held such a sentiment to it and now it’s not something we do that’s special to us as a couple it’s something I do with whoever.

He then said it’s ok if I don’t go you can just ask someone else or someone else so it’s fine. I said would it be any different if I went away in this country and he said yes because it’s all the time we’ve spent planning and talking and discussing different destinations.

he said not many couples do it and he feels stupid to think that way. He said his ego feels bruised and he feels stupid for thinking we had something together and that I don’t think of it the same way.

He also now says he’s realised that if he doesn’t go I can just ask someone else and I’m like yeah… again pretty normal.

I said I wouldn’t have an issue with him going away with a friend because that’s what people do. I could see his point if I stopped asking or planning holidays away and just went with my friends then I could see his point but a one off trip that I havnt done in years?

I said it’s not so much the activity itself but it’s about the people you spend the time with that makes it important. He’s now saying he’s not that bothered about booking anything else anytime soon because it’s not special anymore and refused to book anything else. I said he was cutting his own nose off here.

I said he’s showing protest behaviour and actually this can look really controlling. He said he doesn’t have an issue with me going away if it was for a birthday, hen do or a reason but he’s struggling with the whole extreme day trip idea.

he says I havnt done anything wrong which I know this and that his feelings are his own and he has to deal with them. I won’t stop myself from going because I’ve not got no reason not to go. I’m only going for a day and it shouldnt be this hard!

I don’t know if he’s jealous or envious because he hasn’t got hardly any friends to do things with but that isn’t my issue.

it’s really concerning because any partner should be like that’s amazing hope you have a nice time… but I get this response? I’m trying to see it from his point of view in thinking that we had something for us but to be honest travelling I feel is a pretty ordinary part of life.

his last relationship they both never had much outside of each other and he felt guilty for having a life outside his marriage because she would guilt trip him for going… and yet now he’s behaving in the same way.

No clue, I only see it called that on here (and 'extreme' seems a bit of a misnomer for a day trip to another country, especially if you're spending most of it in an airport for a few hours of sightseeing before returning to the airport). I agree it's an environmental disaster.

You're out of the honeymoon period. He's starting to be controlling. Right now, it's this extreme day trip thing (is this just you go to another country and sightsee then fly back that evening?). He's objecting to you going out for the day with a friend is what it is. And there's no reason other than this is "his" thing with you and how dare you make it a normal thing by doing it with someone else?

Possessive and controlling. You're likely just seeing the start of it. He doesn't have other friends to do things with so you're the only person he's got. He's trying to shrink your world.

Yes, going places with other people not just your BF is a normal activity. He shouldn't be trying to limit your social life and hobbies.

I'm going to be a bit judgey about this hobby, it sounds environmentally irresponsible if you're flying short distances frequently.

OP

Look at what you leant about relationships when you were growing up.

You had an abusive father when you were growing up and this man is another version of him. He's abusive as well OP and so your relationship to him is over or it should be. Your father also harmed your boundaries as is this man doing now. More misery lies your way if you at all continue with this relationship.

Do enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.

I think he knows he's being a bit ridiculous but he needs to get over himself. Extreme day trips are a fun activity for a lot of people, not something the two of you have invented. Is he going to feel jealous if you go for a meal to his favourite restaurant without him? If you go to a friend's for dinner and they cook 'his' signature dish? If you wear a dress he really likes when you aren't with him? If you laugh and have fun when he's not there? If he brings joy to your life that isn't lessened because something else makes you happy.

Really? Are you a man? He sounds needy and controlling.

He is being ridiculous.

Don't engage with the childish tantrum he's having.

FWIW, I've come across the "extreme day trip" concept - just meaning it's an international trip where you don't stay overnight - as an outgrowth of (mostly online) "frequent flyer" culture in the 2010s or so. (Obviously more planning and distance involved than routinely crossing an int'l border because you live close to it.) People would take advantage of very cheap flights to get extra air miles to boost their status but wouldn't want to spend extra money for a hotel or other lodging. I thought it had gone away when air miles became so devalued and when the environmental impact of flying became inescapable, but possibly wildly inflated accommodation prices post-COVID have made it attractive again?

Anyway, OP, it sounds like you used to do this type of trip, sometimes with this specific friend, but stopped because of COVID and therefore weren't doing them (or probably much travel at all) when you met your boyfriend? And then the two of you came across people doing international day trips and decided to start, but he thought it was a special, unusual activity and didn't realise you'd routinely done it pre-COVID? Was he previously talking about how special this was and how it was "your" thing as a couple (since he doesn't know others that do similar), or has he only voiced that now that you've made plans with someone else? It seems like a pretty big disconnect conceptually, if he's being honest.

I can see his confusion if he really had no idea you'd done these trips in the past, but he's being over the top with the humiliation stuff, and with telling you that your ability to travel with someone else means you don't "need" him and that's upsetting to him. (Of course you don't "need" him to travel, you could go solo, but if he has no travel experience before he met you perhaps he never thought of this.) I wouldn't necessarily be horrified that he was surprised and wanted to talk through his feelings about it, but he's gone beyond that into a kind of tantrum and punishing you (or perhaps hoping you'll be moved by his pointless self-sacrifice of not booking more trips). Plus his not minding if you go away for a birthday, etc. is disquieting - it's not up to him to make "rules" for how you travel. His insecurity is off the charts and he's right, it's his problem - but he's not handling it constructively. He every well may be actively controlling (in which case, run), but even if not, there's a significant communication problem here.

He is being unfair and it’s concerning if he doesn’t recognise that. The issue is, is this a one off behaviour or is this gonna be the case anytime you go away or do activities with friends. You don’t want to get sucked into it so you find yourself not doing things because you know you will get grief for it.

Gosh, Ick! This is a massive massive red flag and would be enough to end the relationship for me. Don’t waste any more time or energy on this man. It’s a sign of things to come.

I thought you were going to say you were both 17/18 years old!

Be prepared for him to cause problems around the time you travel ..ruining things for you would be typical of this kind of controlling behaviour

'He’s openly said that I should go..' no man gets to tell you what you can and cant do and where you can and cant go..

he said that if I didn't go now it would be more of an issue.. whatever that means

He wants to mess with your head and put you in the wrong. What he actually wants it to make you feel so bad about upsetting him that you decide you'd better not arrange any further holidays with this friend again. He doesn't want to share you with anybody. He wants to coerce you into believing you shouldn't just do things for yourself that you enjoy doing, you should really consider his needs first.

Yes. OP, it's not clear why you're still entertaining staying in a relationship with someone who's showing you who he is -- and who he is seems to be a butthurt, egotistical, controlling drip. I mean, does he actually think that 'abroad' is some couples concept only he and you get access to? Is he confusing 'abroad' with sex in a monogamous set-up?

Surely you can't still find him attractive? Didn't you struggle to keep a straight face, as he explained the wound to his ego by you going to Rome for the day or something?

He knows he’s being unreasonable. He’s shot his bolt before he meant to and he knows he’s alerted you, so now he’s trying to backtrack. He’s openly said you should go ? Why does he think you need his permission ? Telling you now that it would be more of an issue if you don’t go, won’t mean a thing when he’s making your life a misery for having gone, knowing that ‘he didn’t want you to’.

Exactly this.

I'm a fairly quick one to say LTB but I'm not seeing this as a clear cut one.

When he went quiet - was it the silent treatment, or was it a more natural, turned inward to think about it for a bit type of thing? Was it in person, and what happened when you tried to talk to him?

What i suspect has happened is that he's had a reaction as a fallible human being, and he's working his own way through his reaction and coming to his own conclusion that it isn't a reasonable reaction. Being mistaken and being disappointed to find out that somebody else doesn't feel something is sacred to jus you two are perfectly normal and healthy feelings to have, IMO. If he were in any way trying to guilt you into not going, or doubling down and refusing to admit that he isn't being rational or reasonable, I would consider this controlling red flag behaviour, but I'm not too sure that that is what this is.

One to keep an eye on for sure, but not, in and of itself, a dealbreaker, IMO.

Hmm. This is a bit he's dammed if he does and dammed if he doesn't. Do you believe that there is zero chance that he isn't trying to control her? Do you believe that there's no scenario in which he gave his immediate reaction as a fallible human being, then worked out that he wasn't actually being reasonable or rational, and that he's not in fact an abuser just a fallible human?

I give men VERY little leeway and tend to always assume the worst but oddly in this particular scenario I'm inclined to believe the best. He had an initial reaction that he thought about and realised wasn't very fair or reasonable and has adjusted as a result.

he said that if I didn’t go now it would be more of an issue.. whatever that means.

Well what that means is that he's setting you up because now you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't and you'll certainly think twice before you suggest something similar in future.

That's what's going on here. Subtle. Effective. Happening now, not in the future, nothing you need to "keep your eye on" it's under your nose.

She doesn’t need to run. Such an Infantilising response.

She should however, break up with him.

He's a prat but PLEASE think of the environmental damage you are doing by flying for lots of day trips.

Yes, because this is clearly a much more important concern than OP committing to a man who is coercive, controlling and abusive.

His actions so far are straight out of the abusive narcissists playbook.

He’s a cunt. Sorry, but he just is. He’s being controlling, manipulative and jealous. Run.

You really think because I can see a different viewpoint while still acknowledging that the OP has done nothing wrong, I must be a man?!

How very bizarre!

I’m a regular poster on MN and am very much a woman 😂

I think it’s really hard to judge based on this one little snippet.

I can see how it’s possible that OP’s partner feels a bit silly and foolish for thinking that this particular activity was “their thing”. OP has told him that she’s happy to do it with anyone and if he weren’t available she’d happily replace him with a friend.

He feels hurt because he’s now thinking he valued this time together more than she does. He feels humiliated because he’s thought it meant something special but OP views it differently. To her, it’s just something that she enjoys and she doesn’t mind who’s there, whether it’s a friend or her DP.

OP has done nothing wrong but I can see how a partner might have misunderstood and now feels a bit silly, as if they’ve been sentimental about something that OP views more practically.

I really do think it depends if this is an overall pattern of sulking and attempted control, or whether this is an isolated reaction and very much out of character. We can all have moments where our emotions aren’t rational, and I think that’s ok. The fact that he’s admitted he’s in the wrong and is perfectly fine with OP going away in the U.K. for trips suggests this is a one-off and not part of coercive control.

Only OP knows whether this is part of a pattern or whether he has a history of being controlling and jealous.

I previously went away with this friend just before Covid hit. We went for 2 nights and I booked it for her as she was getting divorced!

this was many years before I met him but he knew I went and did this with her as I’ve mentioned wanting to take him there as I enjoyed the place so it’s not new to him he new I’ve travelled… I just havnt had the opportunity since as life happened.. Covid.. baby.. money.. my own separation so only now am I in a place where I can do this again.