A holiday with friends gets this response?

[SunshineSally99]

What are people’s views on this because I for the life of me cannot get my head around this.

I’ve decided to book a day trip abroad with my friend. We havnt done this since pre Covid so will be looking forward to it.

I told my boyfriend who I’ve been with for almost 2 years and he was really annoyed about it.
we’ve started doing those extreme day trips and overnights abroad after seeing a few groups online about it and we’ve had 2 trips and have a few more booked.

I enjoy travelling and me and this friend had been away before for her divorce and years before I met my boyfriend.

he went quiet and what I think was going in a mood over it saying he was bothered because I’m now doing something with someone else when he thought it was “our thing” and “special to us”

he then said he feels really embarrassed by thinking we had something that was special to us and that he held such a sentiment to it and now it’s not something we do that’s special to us as a couple it’s something I do with whoever.

He then said it’s ok if I don’t go you can just ask someone else or someone else so it’s fine. I said would it be any different if I went away in this country and he said yes because it’s all the time we’ve spent planning and talking and discussing different destinations.

he said not many couples do it and he feels stupid to think that way. He said his ego feels bruised and he feels stupid for thinking we had something together and that I don’t think of it the same way.

He also now says he’s realised that if he doesn’t go I can just ask someone else and I’m like yeah… again pretty normal.

I said I wouldn’t have an issue with him going away with a friend because that’s what people do. I could see his point if I stopped asking or planning holidays away and just went with my friends then I could see his point but a one off trip that I havnt done in years?

I said it’s not so much the activity itself but it’s about the people you spend the time with that makes it important. He’s now saying he’s not that bothered about booking anything else anytime soon because it’s not special anymore and refused to book anything else. I said he was cutting his own nose off here.

I said he’s showing protest behaviour and actually this can look really controlling. He said he doesn’t have an issue with me going away if it was for a birthday, hen do or a reason but he’s struggling with the whole extreme day trip idea.

he says I havnt done anything wrong which I know this and that his feelings are his own and he has to deal with them. I won’t stop myself from going because I’ve not got no reason not to go. I’m only going for a day and it shouldnt be this hard!

I don’t know if he’s jealous or envious because he hasn’t got hardly any friends to do things with but that isn’t my issue.

it’s really concerning because any partner should be like that’s amazing hope you have a nice time… but I get this response? I’m trying to see it from his point of view in thinking that we had something for us but to be honest travelling I feel is a pretty ordinary part of life.

his last relationship they both never had much outside of each other and he felt guilty for having a life outside his marriage because she would guilt trip him for going… and yet now he’s behaving in the same way.

He's a knob

That's not true. I went to an all girls school and my first BF was the only one to pick me out at the local disco (this was in about 1817!). He then, because of the jealousy and possessiveness, ruled my life for the next few years. I just thought this was normal.

What is there to get your head round? You've just found out that he's a massive twat.

Time to throw him back and run for the hills. You can do better.

At worst, this is the first sign (if there have truly not been any before) that he's going to be controlling. Which gets worse not better over time.

At best, he's immature and jealous and will manage to spoil every plan you make that doesn't revolve around him.

Either way not great relationship material.

He’s being a bit manipulative here, he know he is being unreasonable and should have just dealt with this weird unwarranted jealousy in his head, and not burdened you with it.

his last relationship they both never had much outside of each other and he felt guilty for having a life outside his marriage because she would guilt trip him for going… and yet now he’s behaving in the same way.

Do you know this for sure? If you haven’t had a chat with his ex about this and you didn’t know him and his wife when they were a couple - you don’t actually know if this is the truth.

He may have been the controlling one for all we know .Or maybe both were controlling - and yet, he’s made out his ex wife was the one responsible for them not having a life outside of marriage.

Coercive control OP. Big, flapping red flags everywhere. And as your relationship progresses so will the areas where he exerts control. Turning it back on you and making you think you’re the problem so that you feel guilty is straight out of the abusers playbook. Save yourself a lot of trouble for the future, and be grateful you found out in time. Dump him now and don’t look back.

Ah, I don’t know OP. You haven’t done anything wrong but I can see how he’s feeling.

By your own admission you haven’t done this with your friend since 2020, but you have been planning these trips with him, so he thought it was a special thing that you guys enjoy together.

He’s feeling humiliated because he thought it was special but you’ve told him you’re happy to do it with anyone. He’s now feeling silly for thinking it had sentimental value.

It also sounds as if he doesn’t have much experience of a relationship where people do separate things.

He’s admitted to you that he knows it’s not fair.

I don’t think it’s a red flag providing he’s not controlling in any other way. A lot depends on how he behaves going forward.

How utterly stifling.

I hope you ignore his whinging and go and have a great time with your friend who it appears has been an important part of your life longer than this boyfriend.

How long do you think it might be before he says the same type of thing about just seeing friends locally, seeing your family, work trips, going out on your own to do something just you want to etc?

The trips abroad aren't exclusive to you and him. They never were and never should be.

I'd be very cautious about this relationship and how it's progressing. He's already made you doubt yourself for doing something with a friend rather than just him.

Run as fast as you can. He's shown you what the future will look like with him.

What a sulky child.

Absolutely this - he is feeling hurt but he needs to get over himself. Any sign of trying to make you feel bad about doing a normal activity with a friend and I'd be running for the hills! If you start to accommodate his feelings, where does it end? Are you never allowed to do anything that you do with him with anyone else?

Think this is a bit of a silly
comment. Like people show their behaviours the first day. As you know a lot of behaviour take time to exhibit…

and actually growing up I had an incredibly abusive father so in comparison he looks like an angel. But I’m not stupid to see behaviours hence why I’ve came here to at least get them out of my head!

I know I havnt done anything wrong and I won’t stop doing what I’m doing and will continue to have a life outside of my relationship because I’ve seen first hand that something like this can be a start of a slippery slope.

Yes. This might seem like jumping the gun a bit but its really not. Everything your bf has said is straight out of the covert narc bf handbook. You will def find him in Lundy’s book.

🚩

OP I think people are warning you so strongly because the red flags for the future are right there. Those of us with experience of DV and coercive control recognise how it starts. OK so you’ve been with him for two years and so far so good, but that’s clearly because there’s been nothing to trigger him so far. Everything you said in your OP screams control issues and I think the worry here is that you need to take that on board before you are committed to this man in any way.

He’s openly said that I should go..

I’ve made it clear I won’t be stopped from going and he said it’s not an issue with me going away and doing things with people it’s the extreme day trip part that he’s struggling with.. the going abroad part.

hence why he was like if it was this country it would feel different.

however, I am going to observe what his response would be like when I’m doing other things.

I went to the Cotswolds with my friends in the summer and there wasn’t an issue it was just this that’s came up.

he said that if I didn’t go now it would be more of an issue.. whatever that means.

[This is to the person who said they thought his reaction was understandable. For some reason, the quote didn't show up.]

I think you're being a bit too generous. I'd be very surprised if this is the first or only time he's been controlling and manipulative.

But say you're right, then surely the response is, "Oh I feel a bit jealous that you're going with your friend, but I hope you have a brilliant time. You'll have to send me lots of photos and let me know if it's somewhere that would be fun for us to go together."

You can't claim a whole area of someone's life (e.g. travel/holidays) as your "special thing." That's just controlling.

This. 100%

I am in my 50s and have a good friend in her 60s. Once a year a group of us go away. I am talking a day trip to Bath. An overnighter to Brighton. A cinema trip in the next town over. Her husband of 30 years always, but always sulks beforehand. Then he picks a fight with her during the trip - Every Single Time. She batchs cooks for him beforehand because he moans about how he is expected to feed himself. he ghosts her or picks a fight.

That's her life. She also is the breadwinner and bought the house and pays the mortgage. he is ex-army and his pension is HIS money and she pays for everything else, including Christmas presents for his family from his first marriage.

Over 30 years he has made her feel like she is in the wrong and she flaps around him trying to placate him.

Don't let that be your future.

A serious example of domestic abuse coercive controlling behaviour especially all his reasonings and manipulative conversations trying to make it sound as if you are in the wrong and not taking his feelings into account. Don't discuss it with him any more go on the trip with your friend and ignore him sulking about not booking any more trips with you. Many red flags here

You are mid 30's and you really cannot see how completely messed up this is?
Really?

He's controlling and manipulative and you are now in an abusive relationship.

He's not normal.
He's an abusive man.
He doesn't have friends and wants to control you and what you do.

Coercive control is a crime and YOU are now in a Coercive relationship.

You have a world of pain ahead of you if you don't wake up and educate yourself fast.

Read,
Women who love too much. By Robin Norwood
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft

Two books that every wman should read.

It really does sound straight out of a teenage relationship, which was one of the first comments. I’m trying to get my dd’s friend to understand this. But she ‘loves him’ and would rather be with him than anyone else. One of DD’s other friends is with a similar but worse guy, who controls what she wears. She swore blind she wouldn’t stay with anyone, who raises his hand to her yet she has and they’re now living together. I know these are example of older teen girls. The point is it’s incredibly easy for this stuff to slip up on you. Please be careful…

He's a controlling prick

I’m probably going to get flamed for this, but I can understand your BF believing your extreme day trips (I’d love to know what that actually involves!) were something special that you shared — a you & him ‘thing’ — and therefore being disappointed to learn that’s not the case. You know, some couples have ‘our song’ or whatever it might be; he thought the two of you had ‘our extreme day trips’ — and is now realising that’s not how you see them… Would he mind if you and your friend went away for a week, say, or a long weekend? I’m not suggesting that’s what you should do but if he’d be absolutely fine with that, then I don’t think his initial response here is necessarily a huge red flag. (If, of course, he wouldn’t be happy with that either, or he can’t get over his initial disappointment, then that’s a different matter.)

He doesn't want you to go because he's controlling. The 'special thing for us' is just something he's invented because he thinks it sounds better than 'I'm a controlling arse' and that you might think 'Aw bless him, how sweet' and not go. When you didn't he's using the threat of never doing that again with you to change your mind. Again, he can't admit it, so is pretending it's 'spoiled for him'.
This really is manipulation for beginners. Ignore him or he'll think it works and do it again.

Having an abusive father means you’re more likely to end up with an abusive man. Not less so. It’s also common for victims of abuse to see other men as “ better “ or non abusive because the abuse presents differently, isn’t physical etc.

it is abusive behaviour . His threatening not to do the activities with you any more is controlling. He may not be telling you not to go, but he’s hoping you won’t. It’s coercive, and it’s the start of it ( although if you step back and think there many have been signs before ).

Look at the Freedom Programme online, or look at it again . It should be rolled out in schools. Enjoy your trip with your friend!